just need to let my feelings out (very long)

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  • RMlulu
    RMlulu Member Posts: 1,989
    edited November 2013


    Lovewins - yes, BC sucks! Not fair! Not in our plans for our life! Vent, yell, scream...it is scary, it is frustrating, it is a journey none of us wants to take. It leaves so many unanswered questions ...we thought we had our life/ plans in order and then a bomb went off...now we tip toe...until we come to terms/acceptance with our new normal. No answers, but I have watched other warriors who give me strength...sat with my now state 4 BFF during chemo, tes, implants...she is real and inspires...yes there are moments...but nothing is stealing her joy...I refuse.


    Praying for brighter days and strength for you.


    (((Hugs)))


    Cindy

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  • lovewins
    lovewins Member Posts: 881
    edited November 2013


    thank you cindy...I agree I don't want it to steal my joy and for now it has. hugs back to you!

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  • lovewins
    lovewins Member Posts: 881
    edited December 2013

    Back again.  Feeling very alone and I know it is my own fault because I am isolating myself.  I know I am grieving my best friend who died 5 weeks ago. I miss her a lot.  We spent a lot of time together.  Almost talked everyday and spent most of our weekends together.  My Mom is great, she has really come through for me during this time.  We have always been close, but I know she would do anything for me to make my life easier right now.  I don't want her to know how sad I am right now.  I am hoping I will snap out of this soon.  I think I was really disappointed because I wasn't able to have my 5th chemo which puts me behind schedule for rads and my plan to return to work.  I only have until 1-2-2014 and then I no longer get paid to be off work.  My heart goes out to anyone who has had to work or is working through chemo...my nerves are shot, I think I would have been fired for my performance and that is what scares me that I will go back too soon and not be able to hack it.  I do not have a clue how many radiation treatments I will need with my dx, if anyone has an understanding I would like to know...my stats are below.  The hospital is only open until 5 so I know I would have to leave work early everyday and my fmla is all gone now.  I thought it rolled over at the start of the new year but to work 3 months I believe before I can get it again.  What if they don't give me time off?  Beside I have to still get Heceptin infusions every 3 weeks for a year.  Time to speak with my social worker...I had such a positive attitude in the beginning...I am praying about it but it seems I feel lost.   Thanks for listening...I just needed to vent.

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  • ICanDoThis
    ICanDoThis Member Posts: 1,473
    edited December 2013

    Standard rads are 36 treatments
    See if you can get Canadian plan rads - 15 or 20 treatments, or 3D conformal - 10 treatments

    My RO explained that radiation departments are structured for 6.5-7 weeks for BC treatment - it's their financial backbone, but that the other treatment modalities are testing to be as effective as the current method. Shortened rads is a selling feature for an up-to-date rads dept

     

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  • lovewins
    lovewins Member Posts: 881
    edited December 2013

    thank you I can do this I have heard about it...I hope they will let me do it.

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  • lovewins
    lovewins Member Posts: 881
    edited January 2014

    very disappointed today I got the call and I was not able to get the shorter treatments in the trial.  Very bummed because this means I will have to get up at 6:30 to be there by 7:30 and work a full 8 hour day.  I don't understand how some people could work during chemo...I so admire them but no way could I have done it.  Now that I have been off work since Sept.  I do not have enough hours for fmla.  At my job because I belong to a union they will not approve time off if it is closed for any reason.  I had a very hard time wrapping my brain around this but I have accepted it.  I just hope and pray I have enough energy to get thru this next 7 weeks.  I am 3 weeks out my last chemo and have more energy but not back 100%.  I feel bad too because I live in Michigan and this Winter has been so bad...this mean my bf will have to make sure I can get out the driveway every morning as well.  I need to get prayed up and get my warrior spirit up for battle because I think the next month and a half will be very difficult and I am just tired of having to fight.  I know some people have it harder than me and that makes me feel even more guilty.  Thanks for listening...I just needed to once again get my feeling out.

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  • lovewins
    lovewins Member Posts: 881
    edited January 2014

    Well I have a small ray of hope...I called and spoke with the nurse on Monday after rereading the post by Icandothis, thanks again.  She called and left me a message and told me she would speak with the RO about a shorter treatment...she said sometimes they make exceptions.  I have noticed for some reason I get tired more easily now than I did during active chemo treatments after 3 weeks.  I really want to stress to them that it will be very difficult for me physically to handle getting up every morning at 6 am....getting radiation at 7:30 and then working all day.  I will really have to dig deep...I pray the DR will not be greedy and allow me to have the shorter treatment.

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  • lovewins
    lovewins Member Posts: 881
    edited January 2014

    I have been so happy for the last few days...maybe it is because I have finally accepted that I will be doing 7 weeks of radiation....maybe I am so happy because my head is becoming clearer after having chemo brain for 5 months?  Also feeling very grateful for the small stuff that really add up.

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  • ziggypop
    ziggypop Member Posts: 1,071
    edited January 2014

    lovewins - Glad to hear that you are feeling happy - chemo really does do a number on us (there is no way that I could have worked through it either - could barely get up the stairs). If you do start getting really tired with the rads maybe you can talk to your boss about giving you a little downtime in the afternoon. I had to miss about 5 (nonconsecutive) days of rads & they just tacked them onto the end - so if it gets bad, you could also consider taking day off & sleeping in a bit.

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  • lovewins
    lovewins Member Posts: 881
    edited January 2014

    thanks Ziggy....I did make it clear to my RO that this schedule would be hard for me so if the driveway is not cleared or I am too tired I am going to miss.  Thank you for telling me you missed 5 because I was kinda worried about it, a person can only do their best.  I hope all is going well for you.

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  • lovewins
    lovewins Member Posts: 881
    edited September 2014

    Hello ladies I guess it's been awhile....I am going to whine and complain a bit because I want to try and get it out of my system....so thank you for reading and I understand if you don't.

    Through out this whole journey I have been for the most part pretty positive.  I have had my down moments and melt downs of course but over all I would say I have done pretty good at keeping my chin up so to speak.  Every once in awhile I think it takes waaaay to much energy and want to just allow myself to sink.  I wallowed for two days now going on 3.  Little things are getting on my nerves and people too.  Usually I am pretty easy going and forgiving but I am annoyed with almost everybody right now.  Part of it is because I don't think they understand how I feel going thru Lumpectomy, chemo, rads and now Tamoxifen and they think I should be all over it by now.  It has been about 8 months since final chemo.I wonder if the Tamoxifen is messing with my hormones?  I just feel weird these days...bloated, tired and numb.  At this point I am monitoring myself and wonder how long before I should reach out for help?  I am hoping by getting some of these feelings out I will feel better soon. 

    I think a part of me was so elated to be done with chemo and rads I rode a pretty high wave from that and now I am coming down.

     


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  • 70charger
    70charger Member Posts: 963
    edited September 2014

    Lovewins, I just found this thread.  It is possible you are going through some form of ptsd & or chemo flashback.  Just know that you are new normal.  Sorry you are having to deal with this. Vent all you want. Hugs

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  • lovewins
    lovewins Member Posts: 881
    edited September 2014

    Just checking in..thanks for your kind words charger Smile

    I am feeling better....I had a few negitive things happen...minor things really but enough of them to get me down.  You want to know something really silly?  I took a stool softener and felt a lot better!

    I think it is normal to go through these down times....I will only worry when I don't bounce back.

     

    Hang in there anyone who is going through a rough time and want to let your feelings out....feel free to post here.

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