just need to let my feelings out (very long)

lovewins

Hello ladies...thanks in advance for listening, I just need to let my feelings out in a safe place.

Went to my family Dr today...well actually she is on vacation so I saw someone new.  She was very nice...very young.  I waited for an hour for her to come see me and during that time I realized I had a voice mail so I listened and it was my surgeon telling me the found another very small mass is how she described it, very near my primary mass.  She thinks she can still do a lumpectomy or partcial masectomy.  She states she will use a wire....I really don't understand.  Does this mean I will have two holes in my breast?  It is really hard to imagine how something so small...07 cm could have already spread. I remember my prayers were Lord if it's there let them find it in the MRI.  I am thankful it was found but disappointed because I think this means it is at least stage 2.  I wonder if it is possible that my lymph nodes are still clear?

Anyway...the DR filled out my FMLA paperwork and prescibed Chantix and alprazolam which I promised not to take more than two per day.  During the office visit I became overwhelmed with tears a few times...but I am glad one more step is done.  she cleared me for surgery, said my EKG was a little abnormal but didn't think it would be a problem.

I called and told my Mom...I am worried if it is better to keep the bad news from everyone or to tell them what is going on???

I have never been thru anything like this before, I am so concered about becoming a burden to my friends and family I am not quite sure how to handle all this...I feel like I am 53 going on 15.

I know this is going to be a very long journey...any words of wisdom are appreciated.

God bless all you ladies out there.

geewhiz

Love, the first few weeks are the absolute worst part of the journey. I remember literally getting up out of bed one sleepless night and throwing up I was so upset. I held off telling everyone for awhile. And I never really told everyone. So I think it's just important to do whatever YOU are comfortable with.

I am not sure about the lumpectomy. I had several masses and lumpectomy wasnt even an option. Your lymph nodes quite possibly are clear, but most of mine were loaded with cancer...and I am fine 4 years later.

Just wanted to stop by and say "hi"...and you are not alone : )

lovewins

thank you Geewhiz...good for you!  it really helps to know i am not alone.

TarheelMichelle

Lovewins, do not focus on being a burden to family/friends. You seem like such a thoughtful person--I'm sure if one of your friends/family was seriously ill, you would not consider that a burden. In my case, I felt such gratitude that so many people, and often, people whom I barely knew, showed their concern with get-well cards, gifts and helping hands. I do hope you have close friends/relatives who can go with you to dr. appts. It always helped me to have someone by my side to take notes, remind me of questions I wanted to ask, or to keep me company. And plus, you have the wonderful people on these boards who will advise and encourage you.

Blogger

Love wins,



NEVER feel like you are a burden. You have a long journey ahead of you and a good support group is necessary. My advice is don't over think things. It makes the situation much worse and you might be worrying for nothing. I had a 7cc tumor and still no lymph nodes were affected and no chemo or rads. I did have to have a BMX and lots of reconstruction but, almost one year later, I am cancer free, life is getting back to normal and here I am, on this wonderful forum, with positive energy. I depended on my family and friends. They were my strength, there thru my challenges (of which there were several) and I don't know what I would have done without them. Listen and trust your doctor's but be your own advocate. It is a long journey but along the way you will find many blessings. I will pray for all good news. Be strong, my sister, and know you are not on this journey alone.



Suzanne

GlobalGirlyGirl

lovewins - I wouldn't worry about being a burden. I haven't told very many people  (in real life), but I felt the love and support of those I did tell. It feels great knowing that people praying and/or keeping positive thoughts for you. You don't realize how much people love you until you get sick. 

You're definitely not alone. I was so overwhelmed with information, appointments, and it all happens so fast! I didn't even have time to process everything. This community has been a life saver for me. I've learned so much, and the gals on here are so nice. 

Hang in there, mama. Praying for you. 

P.S. I love your User ID

mamasixtaz

Love-So sorry you are here but glad you can feel safe to vent. I had a double lumpectomy with wire guided localization. The wires help the BS locate the small mass and get good margins. Then the pathology can be done for staging. They may do a SNB at that time as well and you will find out after surgery about the nodes. In my case I had 2 kinds of cancer and poor margins on one lumpectomy. I opted for bmx, and recon. No chemo or rads. I know its a lot to handle so take it one step/day at a time. I held back telling people for the first month, due to Christmas, but felt better when I told everyone and could enlist their support. I got support from everywhere. But some were less supportive and this surprised me, but they were few. I learned who my real friends were. Hang in there and come back to all these forums for 24/7 Support. Many ((HUGS!!))

lovewins

Thank you all for your responces.  I have so much more compassion and respect now for anyone going thru this or any serious health issue.

I called my Dr office this am first thing and asked if they can tell if the 2nd spot was cancer and they said no that they are taking it out as a precaution.  My surgery is scheduled for 08/07/2013.

What I am findin uncanny is how I can keep myself together and function and not think about my cancer and then all of a sudden it hits me and I have to remind myself.  I wonder if this is denial?  Sometimes I think it is because I am being lifted up by prayers.  I am hoping it is ok that sometimes I can just forget about things and that reality is not going to slap me in the face too hard.

Once again if you are reading this I am sorry you have had to go through the pain of breast cancer.  God bless you all.

dlb823

lovewins, what you are going through is totally normal.  Our minds do all sorts of self-protective things -- like allowing us to behave as if nothing is wrong -- to shield us from the full impact what's happening while we need the strength to do what needs to be done.  Many of us experience outbursts of anger or bouts of sadness much later in the process, after we've gotten through most or all of our treatment and can only then begin to fully process what's happened and allow those emotions to come out.  It's all normal and okay.  

As far as telling others what's going on, I think it's always best to wait until you know as much as possible and have a game plan in place.  Otherwise their imaginations can run wild. I also think it's helpful to reassure them that your docs anticipate an excellent outcome after your tx, to help them not worry anymore than necessary.    (((Hugs)))  Deanna

christina0001

Welcome lovewins, although I hate that you have a need to be here. This site has been an incredible source of emotional support for me since I was diagnosed in January of last year. I hope you also find that sort of support for you, too. It sounds like you are doing as well as anyone can during this stage of the game. Everything you are feeling is completely normal. Emotions will run high. As far as telling people, I do agree that it might be less stress on you if you waited until you had your treatment plan set up, before telling everyone. But telling your mom or another close relative/friend could be a huge help to you, too. Dealing with all this takes an emotional toll and it is so nice to have someone to talk with.

Best of luck to you!

RMlulu

Lovewins - breathe, so sorry that you must join the club no ones wants to join ugh c:( but you found an amazing club of fierce warriors and an excellent site for info. Check out breastcancer.org understanding your diagnosis. The biopsy just gives your BC team intro info staging info is determine by path report from surgery. Confirm size 7mm or 7cm big difference. Read about lumpectomy and wire localization guides BS to the t.



Breathe, you will be fine. You've just received news that shattered your world you need to share...mom family friends. You will know who and when...once you have path report and talked with your bs you will know more have perspective and a game plan to share. You will not be a burden...they love you and will amaze you with ther support:) learn to ask and accept help...



Determine who will be your appointment buddy...hold your hand make sure your questions are answered...our minds just go blank overload too much to process.



Breathe, you will be fine...you can do this...we will be here for you. Stay focus on today. Don't run ahead of yourself no need to rehearse something that may never happen. Today, focus on today. Sending calm confident thoughts and prayers.



(((Hugs)))

Cindy

lovewins

thank you all for your words of support. 

i am doing much better....i will be glad to get the surgery overwith.  i have never had surgery before.  but i was nervous about the biopsy and it really wasn't that bad. 

i am trying to keep my chin up!

mdg

I am so sorry you have to walk the BC path.  It stinks!  One blessing through this was finding out how much everyone in my life cared about me.   You are not a burden....let people that love you be there for you.  You can return the favor to them and others after you go through this.  It is hard to have people do things for you, but at a time like this you need to be stress free (as much as possible - ha ha!) and take care of yourself as much as you can. 

lovewins

Thank you for the support and wisdom ladies.

Rosesark53

Love and support are the best things. It was hard for me to tell people too. After surgery I just wanted to be alone for a few days to process what I just got done. I even tried looking into the mirror the day before mastectomy and tried to imagine how I will look after. Also I found that sometimes people just dont know what to say. I even had some family members say well, it could be worse.. but my doc told me to tell them that it is worse enough to me. I do try to be positive, even on the days that I dont feel that way. Hope you do well and this is a good place to go to. people really understand at this site.

Bonski68

Lovewins,

I told everyone when I found out....we live in a small community so I didn't want rumors to start up and I wanted my kids to be able to communicate as freely as they wanted to. Looking back (and its only been a few days) I was so overwhelmed (maybe too much) by the outreach from the community. Yesterday was my first day by myself and I had a meltdown...I think it finally hit me!

SewStrong

lovewins, I had a wire localization done before surgery. Your breast will be numbed (it really doesn't hurt when they do that) then a thin wire will be inserted to point to the tumor or tumors for the surgeon so he/she does not have to remove any more tissue than necessary.  I was shaking like a leaf when I had it done because my biopsy had hurt so much and I expected the same. No pain. Got through it with flying colors. I can't say whether nodes would be involved with two tumors. Someone else might know. God bless you. I hope this helps. I was a basket case the first week I was diagnosed, but after people started to pray and I prayed myself, I got a peace about the whole situation. I am 68, so my perspective is from an older viewpoint, but just the same, none of us want to have cancer. I wish you well. Stay positive.

Camillia

It will be a journey, but it will get better, I promise. It will take time... but one day at a time, you will get through this. I remember the day I lost my hair to chemo; I was crying  like I hadn't before because that meant that everyone would now know that something was going on. I was worried that people would walk away or look at me with a sorry look. What I found instead is tons of love and admiration. Your loved ones will admire your strenght and they will all want to be there for you. You are not a burden and they will not see see you as such.

The other thing I wanted to tell you is that I had 2 tumors (the biggest one at 1.9cm) and many little ones around those 2. I was told by my dr and found through reading that it was really the case; they stage you according your largest tumor, so I was still considered stage 1 even with the many lumps. Survival statistic do not change even with multipls tumors in the same breast, what matters is the size of the larger one and the lymph nodes. My nodes all came back negative. I am 1 year post mastectomy, 10 moths past my last chemo, and healthier and more active than ever before.

Sending you prayers and a warm hug!

lovewins

Thank you so much for your words of encouragement....Good for you!  Did you change your eating habits?

Camillia

You're welcome This is all new and scary, but just as everyone was telling me when I was where you are at right now, it's the scariest part. It will get better, it will. It's a big thing to have to deal with, you have been traumatised. It's normal to be scared and confused. I hope you do lean on your loved ones for some support and lots of love. It actually is the wonderful part about all of this; realising how much that can make a difference.

I was already eating good when I found out about bc; I had abeen a vegetarian for a year and had started running. I dont drink as much wine as I used to I try to eat as much fruit and veggies as I can. I make my own bread, pizza sauce, etc... but I already had "granola" tendencies before all of this, lol!

How have you been since your last post?

lovewins

Hi Camilla,

Thanks for asking.  Yesterday I had my lumpectomy.  It went much smoother and less painful than I could ever imagine.  I had never had surgery before so I did not know what to expect.  I have so much respect for the medical staff.  I had two small tumors .07 cm about and inch and a half apart.  She said she removed about a kwiwi size of tissue.  I am in hardy any pain but my boyfriend wouldn't let me go back to work today.

I have never been a fruit or veggie lover but I have been trying to eat more.  I want to educate myself on the benifits in hopes that I can prevent a reocurance.  I also wonder now about all the chemicals in food to.

Have a wonderful day...God bless you and keep you healthy.

christina0001

So glad your surgery went smoothly, and that you are not having much discomfort. That is wonderful news!

lovewins

thank you Christina...God bless you.

Camillia

I am glad to read that surgery went well and that you are recovering well. Seems like your tumors were very small, that is great news!!!

You'll have to eat your peas and carrots from now on

lovewins

Here I am again ladies...this is my place to vent.  Today I went back to work after my surgery and I was so proud of myself.  I had 3 people ask me today when is my chemo...it really depressed me for some reason.  These people are close to me I know they mean well but i am so afraid to get that call from the surgeon about my pathology report because I know will break down again...I know everyone wants me to be positive and upbeat but it is very hard...you ladies are so strong.  I hope I am just tired and tomorrow I will feel stronger.  Thanks for lsitening.

maria62

hi i was diagonoised back in april after routine mammogram, like you it was very small but biopsy showed it was cancer, because it was so small when i went to have a lumpectomy they had to insert a wire first into the skin to help the surgeon pinpoint the exact spot, its fine nothing to worry about the wire insertion is over very quick.  Like you i was devastated at hearing i had cancer and i am still in shock even though i have just started treatment, decided against chemotherapy and i am having radiation and tamoxifen drug hormones.  I fine it hard to talk to my family about how i feel because you dont like to worry them so its good to have somewhere like this to be able to say how you are feeling without being judged.  I,m still trying to come to terms with it but trying my best to stay positive so chin up and take one day at a time thats all you can do.

lovewins

Hi Maria...I wish you the very best with your treatment plan.  I agree this place is awesome...such a lifesaver.  It is easier now to talk with my family because I am feeling a bit more stable now...I like calling them with good news.  Funny that you should say chin up because one of my co-workers said that to me any it really helps me to remind myself of that.  I am doing chemo in about a month.  Getting my port in on Friday. 

Let me know how things are going for you...I will pray for your peace of mind.

M

lovewins

Wasn't quite sure where to post this, decided to come here because I need to vent.  Just wanted to write about my day but didn't want to talk to friends or family.  A lot going on...both my best friends are going through such hard timesl.  My best friend at work got hit by a truck on her motorcycle a couple of weeks ago.  It is very serious but she is lucky to be alive...I am very grateful.  My other best friend is having bleeding issues at 65 well after menopause for quite a few days...I finally talked her into going to the DR and she is having an ultra sound Wed.  Life is hard right now.  I feel ashamed because I really haven't had to deal with a lot of pain in my life.  I realize their is a lot of suffering out there and in here too.  It has changed me and I will never be the same.  I am just adjusting to my new self and writing helps.  God is in control...I know He is.  Tonight I just think it is best to feel the sadness and then allow it to be released.  Tomorrow I go see my oncologist for the first time...I am nervous and yet I want to know what he has to say.  I want to get this over with.  I know once chemo starts I won't be working and my normal life I loved will be gone.  Truth is my normal life is already gone and I am just facing it bit by bit. After this past month I never thought I would have the strength to go through everything I have...but it is true you never know what you are made of until you face it.  So many brave and courageous and compassionate women here.  It really is mind blowing to me....blowing my mind so that it can be renewed.  I know all of your minds were blown too...and I am begining to see what you all write about...I am begining to understand just a little about this journey. 

ndroby

All,

I can relate to how difficult it is to talk with family and friends who just don't/can't understand what it's like to endure the breast cancer treatment. I am headed into surgery on Tuesday to exchange my tissue expanders for implants--this makes 4 surgeries in 16 months. I have kept my fears and concerns to myself about this last surgery, as when I expressed my feelings before prior surgeries, they were dismissed as trivial. Anesthesia and surgery scares me--I'm a nurse--sometimes that's a bad thing!

I am carrying all in prayer, as I have done most of my communicating with God this go-round. Remember: with God, all things are possible. 

Below is a beautiful prayer that I have found both comforting and empowering.

Prayer: O Lord, even as I suffer from my illness, I believe in your might.  Even as I am besieged by armies of pain, I seek refuge in you.  Help me to feel your presence even more firmly in my life.  Give me courage to face anything, to endure everything with you by my side, that I may bless your Holy Name; through Jesus Christ our Lord.  Heal me, O LORD, and I shall be healed; Save me, and I shall be saved, for You are my praise (Jeremiah 17:13-15)   Amen.[/b]
Compiled by Carolyn Corthell, MSW           January 2009 Breast cancer survivor

Nancy

 

lovewins

Nancy...I pray all goes well with your surgery, 4 in a liitle over a year is a lot.  For sure this journey is making my faith stronger.  Thank you for the beautiful prayer.

God be with you during your surgery and may calm your fears and place His peace in your spirit.

lovewins

Need to vent decided to come here...day 4 after chemo and I am just tired of feeling like crap. I am tired of having a positive attitude. I am upset when I read places how most people work thru chemo and feel just fine! I really wonder if that is true. I feel like BC has been sugar coated and people do not realize how awful it is. Sometimes I feel like it is my mission in life to say BC sucks! I guess I am going through the stages of grief here because I am feeling more angry now, I started out coming from a completely different place and it was a nicer place but I just can't go back there right now. I am so scared that when I get done with chemo I will not feel good enough to go back to work and work everyday and do radiation 5 days a week. I have to get back to work I will be gone 4 months once my chemo is over. I can't imagine feeling strong enough 2.5 weeks after my last chemo and starting radiation that I can do a good job. I really feel for anyone who has to work that doesn't want to. I am so frustrated right now...feeling scared. I know this will pass I just needed to vent.