I've hit a wall.

Mirmirpanda, we're so sorry you're feeling this way! Other members will post with their advice and personal experiences, likely including some medications and strategies to help you get through this. You might also want to read the section on Depression at the main Breastcancer.org site.

In the meantime, there's a thread right here on this forum, called Stage III Cancer Survivors...Five+ Years and Out that's filled with inspiring stories!

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I have a similar diagnosis, but am older. I'm two years out. I'm writing even though I don't know what to say because I was in my 40's and my son was in college when this happened to me. I can only say that it is completely horrible and unfair to have had this happen to you at this stage in your life. I can also say that being on the other side of treatment, I feel stronger each and every day. There have been many days where I felt that I could not plan for what I saw as an uncertain future, but as time passes, I'm beginning to feel better about that. I also have worked with a therapist since I finished treatment who specializes in therapy for those living with chronic illness. She has worked with me on mindfulness and meditation to help me to keep my thoughts in the present, and not the past or the future. I also still rely on Ativan that I used a bit during treatment. I find that it really helps me to sleep more soundly, as well as to either not have or not remember the crazy dreams that Femara gives me. I have taken an antidepressant since diagnosis as well.



Concentrate on the fact that you are nearly done with treatment and that you will start to feel better and better every day. You will take your life back from the appointments, doctors, procedures etc. and spend it with your child instead. I hope you can find someone to talk to. I wasn't sure what you meant by "barely anyone knows what's going on." I don't know if that means you can't find anyone to confide in or they don't understand. We get it here.

HI there,

I was diagnosed with stage 3 er/pr positive while pregnant with my 4th child. I was 36 years old. I had 17 out of 26 nodes positive. I was devastated when I was first diagnosed. I was paralyed with fear. I could hardly function. I cried daily, hardly slept, had daily panick attacks. It was horrible.  I started taking xanax and that did help. It wasn't until this past year that I finally got talked into taking celexa and that changed my life. THis crap is HARD. TAKE something to help you! 

I controlled some of my fear with an ultra clean diet, and exercising daily.  That gave me a sense of control over the fear of a reoccurence. 

I am now four years out and doing really good. I feel better then I have ever have! I am happy-truly happy! Kilian my baby is doing amazing. And we have such a special bond.

I know how hard it is to be a mom to a baby while fighting cancer. It basically sucks. It's suppose to be a joyful time and other women are doig playdates, etc and your fighting cancer. Just no it WILL get better. 

It WILL get better for you.. But you HAVE to help yourself. Talk with your doctor, get on something to help you cope..Just for now. Takl to a therapist. I feel like I lost so much of my babies first year of his life b-c I was depressed and scared and my thoughts were always running rampant.

You have hope..a LOT of hope.... BELIEVE you will beat this... You will.. 

If you want to PM me I am happy to give you my email, text, or phone number. I am happy to talk to you or help you in anyway. 

Much Love and Blessings..Go hug your baby:)

The Living Beyond Breast Cancer website has a lot of podcasts that I listen to. Lots of topics from professionals. I find these very helpful and hopeful. There is a young women's support group in my city that I attend, which I enjoy. Try connecting with a social worker at your cancer center. They can guide you toward a therapist, support groups and other resources available to you. Some people can feel finished when active treatment is finished. I am not one of them. The support I've found is not just a group sitting in a circle but include fun and therapeutic activities, lectures, speakers, field trips, yoga, cooking classes. You are your best advocate. No one can take better care of you than you. Make the time to take care of yourself now with some of the suggestions in this thread. Caring for yourself is caring for your baby. It's a tough road you are on. Big hugs.

Im three months out since my last treatment. I remember crying every single moment, thinking that I will never make it. I had to take anti-depressants to help be get back on my feet. I refused for a long time until one day I realized that my emotions are out of control. My brothers and sisters intervened and begged me to get professional help. I stopped taking my anti-depressants one month after my last treatment. I just forgot taking them because life all of a sudden got so busy again and I try to put everything behind me. I still get scared and have panic attacks, but I try to control those moments the best I can.



I have two very young daughters, 8 and 2 years old. They are always on my mind. Im so scared that my time with them is limited that I'm trying to do so much with them. I keep telling myself to slow down because I have plenty of time.



I hardly participate on the boards, but your message reminded me of my situation a year ago.

Oh my gosh!  Do I get it!  Although our dx are slightly different, I too have had severe bouts like you where I go to that dark place.  It truly can be debilitating! And you DO have someone to turn to-----US!   We "get" it.  You are still in active tx and have a new baby too.  Your hormones are all wacked out and you've been to war and back.  PLEASE take some of the others suggestions.  It's OK if you need to ask for help and if you need an antidepressant or anxiety med.  Try to think of them as supplements for your health.  You are getting the Herceptin, why not another med to help you in your recovery??? 

There's a lady down the road from me with that was in the Herceptin trial at Johns Hopkins many years ago whom they said would probably die without it.  She's still here today and doing great!  I know she's at least 2 to 3 years further than me (I'm at 4 now) so, there's proof it CAN be done. 

Come here anytime you feel down, we'll be here for you!!!

(((Hugs)))

Sharon

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I'm sorry your feeling down Mpanda and my hope is you're feeling better today.  My stats are similar other than the Her+.  I was 34 at dx, had a 3 yr old and 18 mth old.  Although I'm not 5+ yet, I was 3 years in July and I'm doing great.  It's not been easy but it can be done.  I can relate to your feelings of ups and downs, it happened to me too.  The further from dx you get things will get better, until then you may want to take something.  I took Paxil after tx ended, I was in a horrible place and needed it, it helped me so much and now I'm on Effexor.   Tx can add to those emotions too and you're still in the trenches right now, so take it for what it is.  Before you know it you'll be feeling better and the days will turn to weeks, the weeks to months, months to years.  As far as future children, I've heard of it happening, if you take steps for that now.  Just a couple weeks ago the news had a report about a lady in the UK who had froze her eggs during ovarian cancer tx.  They implanted the fertilized egg into her abdomen and now she is pregnant with twins.  We are making so much progress, so never lose hope.  Sending you hugs.

Mirmirpanda, how are you doing today?

When I was closing in on the end of active treatment, I was, perversely, sort of, looking forward to "hitting the wall."  Hopefour described this pretty well.  I wanted to be able to be with all of those emotions and spend some time in those dark places, in order to process the experiences - something we don't get to do when we're dealing with the immediacy of a looooong slog of scary, painful treatments and the sense of privacy and autonomy that we lose as we go through them.  About halfway through, I came up with an image for those emotions:  a file cabinet, with drawers marked "Later." 

There's only so much we can handle in a given day.  You know what?  There are still a few things in those drawers. 

I am three years out from Stage IIIc, diagnosed at age 50, no children.  Our lives are different, but also the same.  Hug that little one for all of us, and yourself, too.

I feel the same way. Scared, etc.  I'm not stage III but was close.  Last year on my one year anniv. of dx I felt great, on top of the world, etc. 

Now this anniversary I'm down as down can be. Scared, fearful, every little pain makes me think....you know. Onc. appt day after tomorrow has me so anxious I can't concentrate.  I'm wondering if this is some kind of delayed reaction to the whole experience? 

I had surgery July 3 for bmx and immediate one step recon, and the next month I was back to work so I wonder if I'm just not processing all of this. it feels like I don't have enough time to breathe and look at everything I went through.

I have a counseling appt on Oct 1 to talk to a counselor who has helped me before, but I'm so sad and feeling so gloomy right now. 

Claire

Hi there! I'm not 5+ years out and really don't have any words of wisdom, but I just wanted to let you know you're not alone. My story is almost indentical to yours. I was 32 and my baby was one and a half with I was diagnosed. Mommy being sick and going to the doctor's is his norm and that breaks my heart. We wanted another baby but I know that's not likely now. What helps me is keeping busy. I spend as much time as I can with my hubby and little man. I work full time. Try to spend time with friends, etc. And there will be entire days where cancer doesn't even enter my mind! Also, when I was at my worst I got put on meds. I think they helped. We are all different and I know drugs aren't for everybody, but they did help me. Feel free to message me if you need someone to talk to. I don't have much advice, but I am dealing with the same shitty situation...Best of luck! Kelly