When to quit or push on?

It's a tough call to decide to leave work or not. I hear you on that. I guess the question I have is this: if you were to continue to take time off of work, how would you be spending your days? Will you be filling them with things that bring you healing and closer to health or will you fall deeper into depression with nothing to occupy your time? I ended up leaving my job just to focus on treatment for the next 6 months or so. I was, like you said, scared to work and scared not to work. I made a deal with myself that I would do all that I could to make my time off of work a time of healing. I've joined the cancer support community, I've gone to a few yoga classes when I'm feeling good, I meet with friends for lunch, etc. I was out for three weeks after my lumpectomy, returned to work for about two months and then I left again 3 weeks ago to start chemo. So far I've had a few down days but I force myself to live up to that promise I made to myself and keep as active as possible. On those days when I'm not well enough to be active outdoors I'm taking some free online courses at Coursera, binge watching TV series on Netflix, reading the Game of Thrones series, working on knitting projects, started journaling - anything that nourishes, entertains and heals me. I hope I can sustain it for the next 5 months and hold on to that commitment I made to myself. Maybe you can work with your therapist to develop a "healing plan" of sorts. This will make it easier to transition back onto the hormone therapy as well. Good luck to you, erinm. 

Erin - So sorry you a going through such a hard time. About two months after my mx, I had a complete emotional breakdown. I had NO idea what was going on. Only later did I find out that many many women suffer from PTSD after active treatment. My dark period coincided with me beginning tamoxifen and I blamed every thing on the drug. Counseling, meds and time pulled me out of the dark well. About a year later I tried tamoxifen again and this time I had few side effects.



There is an article on the main pages of BCO that says 23% of women have symptoms of PTSD early on. I'd link it, but don't know how on my iPad.



My PCP is convinced that there is something going on hormonally for women who have mx. He believes the loss of the breast tissue triggers something in the brain. Who knows? I am so very glad you have a therapist.



Honestly I think if I had been working full time it may have been a good thing. It would have given me something to do instead of sitting around dwelling on BC. Also, since my main job now is taking care of our 15 acres, I was even more depressed during the recon because I couldn't get out and do the physical things I was used to doing.



Be easy on yourself. You've been through a lot. Try to separate what is going on with the Arimidex from other stress related symptoms, even if you have to delay it a tad bit.



My counselor would always say "You know how long it is going to take for you to feel better?As long as it takes!". Hugs

I've been able to take time off through all of my treatments. At first, I had a hard time with it, it felt like a weakness to not be able to just 'tough it out'. In retrospect, time off to recollect, to heal, to grieve, and to have a bit of privacy and down time as I've been on this journey has been so beneficial, and essential. I am so very blessed to have been in a position where I could get disability through my job, and still maintain my health insurance. It's been financially scary, and I've had weeks where I thought working would be better, but I think if I were working I'd be using it as a distraction for the emotions and I'd have ignored fatigue and probably pushed myself too hard and had a melt down in a few months and wonder why I felt so imbalanced.

Instead I reached out to a naturopath, and focused on complementary healing practices. I started reading, writing, meditating, preparing healthy meals when I felt well, went for walks, cried for days, crafted, watched TV, caught up with friends, sent thank you cards that I crafted to friends and family and coworkers who've helped us out, slept, recited daily affirmations, and learned a lot!



As I approach the end of radiation, and come to the next part of this journey with follow up tests, its time to know if I'm headed back to work in a few weeks, or back for more chemo...I'm really hoping for the back to work option! I'll be starting tamoxifen around the same time, and going back will probably feel overwhelming, but I feel more centered and ready to move on after having a fulfilling sabbatical to move through BC with rest, healing, and quiet solitude to be with and work through the big feelings. And having a therapist helped too.

Erin, I'm wondering if in addition to everything you have mentioned, that you might be depressed.  You have been through a lot and you just may need time to heal and recover.  Yes, you are in trauma, but if you have underlying depression that is not addressed, it will be very hard to go forward.  Many women on this board have,  at some time during treatment, found a great deal of help with meds for depression. If it is depression, meds can get you out of the place where its so painful.  I know things will get better and I am thinking good thoughts for you.

Liz

Hang in there Erin! Do what works for you and do not feel guilty - I had double mx in May & going thru chemo now, I chose to take leave of abscence, it was too hard for me to keep it together at work & weekly chemo & my husband & son - I look at it as a time to re-charge & heal - sending you hugs!!!

Thank you for sharing this post.  I have been on Tamoxifen for only 3 weeks now and absolutely hate it!!  I'm a single mom of 3 kids and have been the strong rock everyone needs until now.  I just want to cry for no reason at all, I'm tired all the time and depressed!!

Erin, so glad you checked in.  I think its wonderful that everyone met...and that you get to see your therapist 2x week.  As for being off work, there is no way I could have worked while going thru treatment.  Your plan sounds Excellent!

Take care.

Liz

omg I'm in the same boat but with taxotere after my bilateral mastectomy it was 4 weeks that i started my first dose and it was awful. I lost all energy completely and sadly i ended up in the ER because i came down with a fever and a throat infection. Now I'm stuck here and they want to bring up my white blood count. Today they poked me 3 times and they couldn't find no good vein. Im struggling to fight the infection and now gave me those neopogen shots to build up the white blood cells and that also has its own side effects. Why would i want 3 more rounds of chemo. Surgery is done. Pathologist report came back with no more cancer cells. So why push my body.??

Thanks Annie. My slump is only on the day before my tx . I am 1/2 way through it now. I don't think the weather helps. It has been 4 days of dark cloudy weather. Nice outside, just dark & dreary. It helps to have a place to write all the emotions out. Thanks again.

Thanks Annie. When does a person get their taste buds back?. I am making a list of places I want to go eat at for when I get them back. REALLY miss the taste of a good meal.