Both my parents have cancer- my best friend isn't supporting

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Kawbaby
Kawbaby Member Posts: 2
edited June 2014 in Caring for Someone with Breast cancer

My dad was diagnosed with prostate cancer 2 years ago, and about one month ago my mother was diagnosed with breast cancer. I wasn't able to really talk about my moms diagnosis right away- because I was so filled with anger and upset (felt like with both parents having cancer- I was hit by lightening twice).



My best friend of ten years sent flowers to my mom the day after her first surgery- but really only spoke to me about everything once-- afterwards she would only contact me about all the good things going on in her life. I then told her I am having trouble being/acting happy for her, while I'm in such a miserable place. I tried to explain that I feel I have lost my ability to find happiness in anything- like the air has been taken out of my lungs. All I wanted was my best friends support as I tried so hard to be strong for my parents. Her response to my cry for help was to give me space. She said "me being unhappy wont fix anything". She still seems to think her actions are helping- but everyday I want to scream and tell her that when I needed her most she left me.



I understand it might be hard to find the best way to comfort me- but it's coming across like talking to me is a burden.



Please help me understand why this might be happening, and how to move forward. I desperately need to find a way to cope with my anger in a way that I can still channel support to both parents battling their own cancers.



Hit by lightening twice- hurts.

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  • Chickadee
    Chickadee Member Posts: 4,467
    edited September 2013

    Im so sorry that your mom and dad have been devastated by this damn disease. My first thought is that you should seek counseling, either spiritual or secular, to help you get a perspective on your life at this time and your parents. Your admitted anger may be building a wall between you and others who could provide support and I would imagine it could also affect any support you could provide your parents. Anger is part of the grieving process.

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  • GoldenGirls
    GoldenGirls Member Posts: 608
    edited September 2013

    I understand what you're going through. My dad died very unexpectedly from brain cancer that was only discovered a month or so before he died and then not too long after my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer. The third whammy came a few months ago when her cancer returned after 11 years clear. It's hard for friends to relate because they haven't gone through it. Part of what has helped me has been turning to family since we're all dealing with the anger and upset about this happening to someone we all mutually love even if in different ways. I seem to find more comfort in talking to them then my closest friends these days.

    Another thing that I think about when I find myself getting upset or overwhelmed with all of this is thinking of what good we have had instead of focusing only on the negative. Yes, cancer has taken my dad from us and will likely take my mom at some point (though now she is doing well with treatment), but the time we have had with them has been better than most can say about theirs with their own parents. Our family has always been very close and tightknit. It's gut-wreching to have had cancer cut that short, but we've still had it better than so many other people. As for my mom's double-strike with the cancer; she remained cancer free for over a decade after her original Stage 3 diagnosis --that's longer than we even dared pray for back then! She is responding well to treatment at the moment and lives her life like she always has so we are especially grateful for that since many aren't so lucky. I also can't help but to think back to someone I dated years ago. He and his brother lost their dad to prostate cancer when they were only 20 and at 21 lost their mom to colon cancer leaving them to work full-time while also finishing school and looking after their grandmother who couldn't see or walk well and ultimately fell and died while they were at work. They lost everyone close to them in a matter of a couple of years at such a young age. It's not always easy to see what there is to be grateful for when cancer comes into your family, but finding those things can bring comfort, especially when you realize just how much worse some others have it.

    Don't be afraid to tell your friend what you need from her. If she doesn't understand or can't give it to you, then turn to family or a support group. I can lend an ear as well. 

    Sending you hugs from Canada xo

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  • SpecialK
    SpecialK Member Posts: 16,486
    edited September 2013

    I have walked in your shoes in terms of having simultaneously ill parents - my mom was diagnosed with a degenerative neuromuscular disorder (in the muscular dystrophy group of diseases) which limited her ability to be mobile.  She was quite ill initially and spent 6 months in the hospital, had to learn to walk again.  My dad took care of her during his retirement years, she had several concurrent problems too - sleep apnea, hypertension and a seizure disorder, so this became his full time job.  Then he was diagnosed with stage IV lung cancer and died within the year.  My mom followed him within several years after requiring 24 hour care and being unable to move from the waist down.  I am a military spouse and at this time I had two middle-school age children, lived on the other side of the country, and my husband was gone for 10 months.  Both of my parents were naturalized citizens, so that left my brother and I with no other family.  Two years after my mom passed away my brother was diagnosed with a rare cancer of the bile duct.  He died within 60 days.  Two years after that I was diagnosed with breast cancer.  What I have learned through this process is that people don't know what to do when confronted with situations like this, there is no rule book for this.  Your friend may not feel equipped to deal with your anger, or may simply not be sure what you want or need.  Has your friend had life experiences that would shape her reponse to your need for support?  I think it might be helpful for you to be very specific about what it is that you want from her, while also seeking counseling or pastoral assistance for your anger and hurt.  It is a challenge to come to the realization that it is useless to be angry about what you can't control and it is sapping your energy - it will be difficult for you to be supportive and helpful to your parents if you are consumed by your own emotions.  I don't know how seriously ill your parents are - but trust me when I tell you that trying to set aside your anger is important so that you can fully appreciate the time you have with them right now.

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  • RichCPAman
    RichCPAman Member Posts: 21
    edited September 2013

    Kaw:

    That is really terrible news about your parents.  How are they doing today?

    Seems that all you wanted was your friend to listen to your fears.

    There was nothing she could do about any of this.  You know that.  So does she.

    So, just ask her to listen.  It took me a long time to learn that about my wife.  Sometimes, all she wanted was me to listen. 

    Also, you have to listen to her also.  She may only tell you "good" things.  Things may be "good" for her right now, and bad for you.  What happened when the roles were reversed?  And remember, you can't compare "pain and anguish".  Your parents cancer is horrible, but you can not say that it is "worse" than some event in your friends life. 

    Rich

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  • Kawbaby
    Kawbaby Member Posts: 2
    edited September 2013

    First- I want to thank you all for taking the time to reply. Honestly, I wrote this late one night feeling low, and checked back once not finding any response, and then forgot. Tonight, I refreshed this page and feel truly blessed and heart warmed to see all of the replies.



    I know that most of my frustrations are that I am just angry, this selfish feeling of "why me". I say selfish because I know in my situation there could be better use of my emotions- but I also know there is no sense in pretending I'm not just plain angry. Again- why me. Yet there is so much to be thankful for at this point. I hear horror stories that remind me how blessed I am to have my dad responding well to treatment, and that my moms breast cancer was caught relatively early where she was quickly able to go into surgery.



    Looking at this from another perspective, I ask myself what response would I like from my friend. It's hard to answer that- unreasonably, I wish she would fall to her knees and travel the 3 hour commute to console me. For I feel I have done that for her- hell, I have crawled into bed with her and force fed her ice cream after a bad breakup. For something so life changing, I guess I'm disappointed with her form of support or lack there of.



    Then I go back to where I started and think- perhaps she doesn't know where to begin to support me, but I feel she is copping out by giving me "space". Space she claims to think I need because of our most recent interaction (me saying I was having trouble being happy for her). Honestly though, does she expect me to pretend to be happy for her new job/flowers from boyfriend etc when I'm so obviously miserable. To me I think it comes down to being frustrated with her alleged choosing to play nieve to what I'm going through. Worse, it to me appears she doesn't care to ask or know how badly I'm feeling.



    At the end of the day- I am trying to put a happy face on for my parents but still need a shoulder to cry on.



    It seems that me no longer being the happy-go-lucky friend she is used to, or dotting on her menial lows translates to a friendship she can't be bothered with.



    Wow- long reply, I guess this has been more therapeutic to say these things once and for all, as loneliness has sort of taken over me.



    For a little context- I am 23 years old, living away from my family where I just finished my degree - I am moving back to vancouver, where my family is soon- but since living away, most of my support has come from my family and that best friend I've been referring to.



    Thank you all for the support, sorry for the long-winded reply!



    Love,



    K

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