this has been going on too long...

Minxie - I feel for you. I think I can give you some practical advice, based on my life with my spouse, who is addicted to his meds. We have come to the conclusion that there is simply NO way your antidepressants will do their job when you regularly go through withdrawal. it is simple too much, and too hard. Your first step, IMHO, is to either have a trusted person (hubby?) keep and hide your meds for you and give them to you daily. He must hide them well, so you can't find them. My dh has often stolen 25 of my own anti-anxiety meds at once if he finds them. You might give yourself a little "treat" as they say in the addictions world - on one day a few extra to give you an extra-good day. withdrawal is pure hell. My dh has grone through it time after time and we see the only way anything can work at all is to not go trhough it!

So, can you get your drs to fill your prescriptions weekly, NOT monthly. this has been a huge help for us. since they won't give you more, it's because you have been flagged as an addict and they know no matter how much they give, you will use them up in a few days and need more. You must establish tjeir trust by never, ever, trying to get your meds filled ahead, bugging th pharmacy, whatever it takes.

ONLY when you get tht under control can your ant-depressants help, IMHO.

What about a different shrink - is that possible? do you have an actual mood disorder clinic near you you can be referred to - even if it take 6 months or a year. this was the best thing my dh (bipolar, very depressed) did. He's under their care, recently got a different shrink, switched him to cymbalta plus an atypical antipsychotic (that boosts the effect of the antidepressant without having to take too great a dose of the antidepressant so you have fewer ses. the combo - there are many - is called rocket fuel...and it can work, did for me. i went from at the bottom to fairly ok in about 3 weeks of 40 mg prozac PLUS rispardil (antipsychotic). My pharmacist told me to tell my gp that that's what i needed - she complied - boom! up i went after years of struggling on Remeron wich was useless for me. Different shrink, different meds - amazing.

also, my dear, you cannot chase happiness to find it, like chasing a high. Happiness and a high are not the same thing. Happiness simply happens because the conditions in your world are right for you - you can swim, like a fish, in water but not in air.

maybe it has been harder for you, than say, for me, because I took my no nodes despite humungous tumor as a gift from the universe and never looked back. but node positive, and a local recurrence? - to me, scary.

I was always one to be depressed most of my adult life and people figured this would be the end of me - but I knew I COULD NOT go there - depression - it weakens your immune, and every fibre of your being needs to love itself to fight. when you are depressed, you do not love yourself - it is so very, very sad. Been there a ton.

so, what conditions are keeping you in a rut, a state of fear? not feeling loved? not using your own skills and talents? absolutley nothing appeals? why bother? done it all.

but I did find that I've become very happy by being heavily involved in our local grassroots humane society, where i write, and fundraise, and am among amazing giving people who uplift me, and I feel like I am part of something larger than myself - and that brings happiness, for me. Plus, and this is huge fro me, feeling loved by my partner.

I am sorry you are in physical pain - is that from recon? can recon be undone? i don't know enough about that, but constant pain is just too horrible. it wears you down.

All I think I do know for sure is - I do think the very first step is never, ever, going through withdrawal, because until that stops you cannot get on to the next steps.

There is a book called the Realm of Hungry ghosts, which is the book that gave me most insight into addiction - that, plus living with my man. Can you form a team with your husband? a team is way better than trying to do it alone.

Hugs

I am 12 yrs out but the recurrence kinda threw me back where I started. After the first fivecyrs I forgot about cancer. No scans no nothing. If I got a cold it was a cold not lung cancer. If I got a headache it was just that not a brain tumor. Yup 12 long yrs then bang mentally I'm back where I started.

Oh minxie...I, too, feel for you!!

Please get some professional help to manage your pain and safely use pain medication...it is possible.

I agree with the advice above that you will not be able to manage your depressive symptoms while you are challenged with the withdrawal from narcotics.

I do not advocate anyone hiding your meds or giving yourself a 'treat.'  In fact, I think that is a formula for mismanagement and fueling the cycle.  You're worthy of educating yourself...

I wish you comfort and strength to reach out and find the help you need and deserve...xo Lisa

I agree, having someone hide your meds and dole them out and give yourself a "treat" once a month or once a week is not the correct way.

It's a less-than perfect way to keep you from going through withdrawal, which is hell. Eventually, once a regular pattern is established, and you feel better, are on a more even keel and you do not have to race to get your next meds into you, you can do an experiment: see how you handle your meds on your own for, say, 1 week. If you can do it, great! then keep on going. If you fall off the wagon, start again. The book I mentioned had the wrong name - it's called In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts - I think by Dr. Gabor Mate. Very compassionate.