Husband disagrees with my surgery decision

jajack, I'm sorry about your diagnosis. Do what feels right. You sound like a very sweet lady who's struggling to make the best medical decision and keep your hubby happy at the same time. Between you and me though, it is YOUR body. I don't mean to sound harsh, but if my husband told me it's his body too, he'd have found his belongings on the lawn. I hope someone else comes along to offer advice about the pros and cons of a bmx to make you feel more comfortable with your decision. Ultimately, all we can do is hope we're making the right decisions based on a professional's advice and then hope like crazy that it never comes back. Best wishes to you.

Edited to add: I had a lumpectomy in 1996. It never recurred in either breast, but that's only one woman's (my)experience.

Jajack, the decision between the different surgical options is mindblowing for all of us early stagers.  The intellectual gymnastics we have to go through just to sort through the pro's and con's is amazing.  Simply because I could schedule a short surgery with my BS quicker than a whole day with him and a plastics guy, I wound up with a lumpectomy, but with a possible future mx or bmx still very much in mind.  And while I absolutely hated everything about radiation, I had no real skin issues.  If I have any, I mean any, future problems, I'm going with a bmx and diep.  So there!  For me, I weighed a six-week recovery from a major surgery in which I felt really lousy in the beginning, then slowly recovered, pretty much equally with radiation where I began feeling well, then got slowly sicker.  As it turns out, I think I would have been back to work and real life more quickly with the DIEP (I went on short term disability with my first rads treatment, then will be out 4 weeks afterwards.  My issues were fatigue and my absolute horror [otherwise known as acute anxiety] of radiation, even more than skin issues.)  And, yes, I still have to deal with the regular mammograms and all.

I'd strongly suggest bringing your husband to the PS appointment, becaue it is your PS who is by far the best equipped to address your husband's concerns, and help him put them in perspective.  Also, I would jump at the chance to have a counselling session or two, because your husband clearly feels he needs it.   I would urge you to use someone your hospital has on staff specializing in breast cancer-related issues, as opposed to a general practitioner.  A specialist will be very much aware of all the risk factors, and all the benefits, involved with whichever treatment/s you choose and can help your husband understand those risks and benefits, and also your reasons for your choice. 

jajack,  I completely understand how you are feeling.  These are huge decisions that we (females) have to make and deal with.  I agree with the other ladies, you need to do what's right for you.  Unfortunately I did not go with my gut feeling and I listened to my husband and doctor.  I did not do the BMX or the DIEP flap and they are the biggest regrets I have ever had.  I wanted a BMX but was talked out of that right away and went with the left mastectomy instead.  I should have known better because I have this issue with symmetry.  I really wanted the DIEP flap reconstruction for two reasons.  The first was to use my own tissue and have a more natural breast and the second one was to have a flatter stomach.  My husband could not understand this reason.  I believe he and the doctor were both thinking I was being conceited when basically I just wanted something 'positive' to come out of this entire nightmare.  Anyway, I have had 4 surgeries and I am still not happy with my results.  I have gained weight recently and I am now completely lopsided because the natural breast has gotten bigger and the mastectomy side is just all implant and doesn't get bigger or smaller!  I am so uncomfortable with this implant that it's all I can think about all day long because every time I move my arm, the muscle pulls and the entire implant moves.  If I could go back and do it all over again I would INSIST on having the DIEP flap surgery.  A few more hours under anesthesia wouldn't have hurt - I ended up have 4 surgeries anyway!  My husband was very concerned and not being mean at all, but he just really didn't understand how important it was to me.  Talk to your husband again and try to get him to understand that you need to feel happy with yourself at the end of this.  Good luck with your decisions!!

Husband here.



It is YOUR body and YOUR life. YOU make the executive decisions. Your husband can help you make the most informed decision. But it's YOUR informed decision to make.



Have you had the BRCA testing done? Do you know if your cancer is multifocal? Answers to even these 2 questions can help guide you.



It's a very personal decision when all things are equal regarding risks between lumpectomy & mastectomy... But there could be factors with your specific case that makes one of those procedures a better option for long term success.
As a husband, I wanted 3 things with this situation: 1) that my wife would understand that I would love her more than ever no matter what and to not please me with her decison... 2) for my wife to survive.... 3) my wife would be happy with her decisions and be able to live with them.

I would encourage you to do a lot of searching online to find pictures of "after" shots for BMX and Diep.



I chose a BMX for many of the recurrence concerns you described above. HUGE family history, many mam callbacks, on my 3rd biopsy, etc. I was not a candidate for any reconstruction involving my own tissue so I had TE's and now implants. They are settling in and feeling more like part of me. BUT they are not perfect. There are scars. They aren't exactly symmetrical. It's a lengthy process to go from start to finish...BMX then wait, exchange then wait again, nipples then wait again, areola tattoos....THEN done. (That's just an example, but it adds up to about a year.)



I understand minimizing risk, wanting the best shot at symmetry, etc, but I want YOU to have a very realistic understanding of what your process will be AND what you can expect afterward. Mine are perkier I suppose, and I am grateful for what my PS was able to do. But bras, swimsuits, etc are much more expensive and harder for me to find now and the clothing styles that I used to know would fit me best no longer do. It is a big adjustment mentally. Also, my pec muscles don't work quite the way they used to. They work! But sometimes they move (implants and all) when I yawn. Be ready to find humor in these things... Ask very specific questions about how your surgeries may affect muscle function, etc.



Now I sure don't want that to sound like a downer. My BS and PS did a great job. My cancer is gone. I look great in clothes and the new girls feel pretty good. I look forward to nipples, etc and moving on. But even a BMX does not eliminate all fear for the future. The cancer shadow is still hovering out there. If my body allowed it once...what if???? So I have made other health choices to try to fight it from coming back elsewhere.



If I had to do it over again I would make the exact same choice. I know it was the right one for me. But it most definitely was not worth it all for a "free boob job." Don't let that at all be a factor in your decision. Base your decision on what you've researched will give you the best chance for many many happy, strong, healthy years with your family.



A decision nobody should have to make.....

Hugs to you!!!

Your body, your decision.

Your reasons for doing it, basically mirrored my own reasons. I don't regret it. I lost my boyfriend I believe because of it.. But I can get another one of those.. You have one life to live.. I was terrified and didn't want that back and forth situation with a lumpectomy. I read a lot of women's treatments and saw a lot had the lumpectomy & the biopsy didn't have clear margins, so they had to go back in etc..  Had I been 18 with perfect boobs, maybe I would have done the lumpectomy, but I figured at 42, my boobies wouldn't be improving and hell I got a boob job paid for mostly by insurance.. recon isn't finished but I can see where it's going and I like it.. Hopefully he will come onboard

jajack, your husband sounds engaged and invested in helping you with decisions, so that is great!  It's also great that he is listening to what you want.  Deciding on reconstruction is a very overwhelming process.  My husband was so surprised that I wanted to have a BMX instead of a UMX after my 2nd lumpectomy was unsuccessful.  After suspicious spots were found in the other breast during the MRI, it never occurred to me not to have BMX. Eventually he came around. Nothing was found on the other side, but I have no regrets about it.  My breasts were very large after nursing, and having a reduction on the good side did not appeal to me.  I did not want to have any surgery that wasn't going to reduce my risk of recurrence.  I had a SGAP and one side will need further work due to necrosis, but I have no regrets about that either.  My breasts are soft but firm, warm, and a little bouncy. The scars are starting to fade.  I haven't worn a bra in 2 days!  Not bad for someone who was wearing a 32F last year at this time.  BC stinks so we take the silver linings where we can find them.  Recovery from a flap procedure is long but when it is done, it is done.  Best wishes to you!

jajack1921: My husband had a very similar reaction to my decision to have BMX.  But unfortunately, the way he handled it reflected the way he has handled everything in our marriage for many years.  Tons of pressure before, (I did have him come to the PS appt., probably his idea because he was so suspicious of me making decisions about my life on my own.  It was helpful, a little, and at least I had the satisfaction of having someone tell him, "It's her body, it's her decision."   And since then, on and off when he is angry about any other random thing (which is often), he blames me for doing it, for lots of reasons, some of the same as your husband.   But because I just spent a year in therapy learning to untether myself from his approval, and learning that if he can't accept me as I am he can leave, and I will survive, I just went ahead and followed my heart.   I haven't regretted it for a moment (partly because my mother had BC, at the same age I am now, and UMX, and died of it - although the recurrence was not in the other breast).  I just went on this "Emotions, Relationships..." thread because I wanted to vent and print the really very lousy texts I've been getting from him.  But then I thought, "he knows my screen name, he's stalked me here before, because it angers him that I would share my feelings with "strangers" more than with him.  (Hmm, maybe because you "strangers" are so much more supportive, and don't accuse/prosecute/blame me constantly! Specifically, he found a question I asked the Surgery thread, "How do you make the decision between UMX and BMX?" and used that to prove to me that I really wasn't sure, and should just listen to him already.  And was probably just doing this to spite him.  So I made a new screen name, and didn't put on my medical info.  I was surprised to find that others have had a similar issue with their husbands.  

Wow, as I read this I feel like I sound like some co-dependent complainer. Yuk.  But the things he is saying to me (like "God gave you BC to punish you for not respecting me") are so over the top, I felt that I needed to vent.  I am forever grateful that I have extremely supportive friends, kids who have been great, and that I finally realized this crazy talk (and the rest of his crazy behavior that isn't directly relevant to this)  is his illness, not mine.  So I'm not as bad a co-dependent as I sound.    Right?..  right?  

Husband here. I love my wife. Your husband's opinion in all of this is only as valuable as it's contribution to your survival plan. If his ideas about what you should do don't offer a compelling argument for a protocol whose lone objective is to keep you healthy-----then his ideas/ opinion is worthless. He should be championing your healthy, long, life treatment plan.



You're not worth any less than that.



Just my 2 cents.

@ablydec:

Your husband needn't be concerned with how well he's portrayed to virtual strangers through this. but rather whether or not your needs are being met.



His parental duties to your loving daughter are another matter. I would HOPE he is nothing short of great in that area. He's her FATHER.



Bless you all.