Friends... I'm not sure what to think.

I understand where you are coming from. I experienced some of the same things. BC certainly taught me some lessons in care giving. I think many people don't know what to say and do and so they do nothing. It is not that they don't care. I had some shining examples of caregiving during my journey last year. Hopefully you have some of those. It does feel funny to have all this life moving around you, when your's is temporarily in slow motion. You might want to pick up a copy of Kenneth Hauck's book, Don't Sing Songs to a Heavy Heart - How to Relate to Those Who are Suffering. It helped me understand why some people disappeared and why others were solid as rocks.

It helped me immensely to talk to a Stephen Minister from my church for several months. Many large churches of all denominations offer this program to anyone. There is no cost and you generally meet with your Stephen Minister once a week for about a hour.

Blessings and Hugs to you.

Everything you are feeling sounds about par for the course.  I have read over and over on these threads how some friends (and family) seem to withdraw once they hear of our diagnosis, and that many times women here talk about cutting the friend out of their lives because they weren't better at making it through the crucible of our cancer.  The thing is, your friends will comprise the whole spectrum of reactions, therefore, some will be much better at relating to you than others, and that is not cause to dump the seemingly negligent ones.  Why not try some "training?"  By that, I mean think about what you need.  Then think about your friends and match up accordingly.  Got one that likes to cook?  Bet that one would prepare a dinner.  Someone good with kids?  Maybe they would pick yours up for an afternoon.  Someone not working?  Tell them you would love company and moral support at an appointment.

You know the people who are giving you the "pitying looks?"  These are your helpers-in-waiting.  Try using some sentences on them starting with the words, "I really could use..." or  "I would really appreciate..." and the response might be like having your own personal genie.  Is that using friends?  Yes, it is.  Will you both feel good afterward?  Yes, you will.

We see our friends as changing, except we have too and in an even more pronounced way.  After Dx, all I did was read, read, read about my cancer, and then talk, talk, talk about my cancer.  I hated that but could not seem to stop because my brain was so chock full of it (figuratively speaking) and I could not turn that off.  I am sure I gave them info. overload on all things cancer, and even while I was doing it I could just feel the narcissism spilling out of me.  Like you, I couldn't muster too much concern about their "sprained toes" at that time, but that was a change in me.  I had no trouble listening to that stuff previously, bantering about it.  Luckily, I moved thru' that phase soon enough.

In the post you wrote, you have written openly about your feelings.  Do you just open up like that to your friends?  It is wonderful if you can.  My friends know that I do need to talk about my cancer.  They know that I talk my way thru' many of my decisions regarding treatment, so if they let me go on about it, they are assisting me greatly.  They know this because I told them so.  I have also, flat out, uttered the words, "O.K., that's enough about cancer.  Let's talk about some non-cancer things now."  The significance of other things in life tend to get suspended as we deal with cancer, but don't let it.  I know others will say, "Now that we have cancer, we don't have time for all that trivial crap," but I say try to make time for some of it and you will be surprised at how your life will feel just a hair closer to old normal. 

I guess what I am saying is that having B/C doesn't have to make us reactionary to our friends.  Sometimes we have to lead them to the right behavior that we need from them.  You can be as blunt or as subtle as is your own personal style.  As much as we would like them to read our minds and know all this without it being spoken, I have found that real honest communication is the key to everyone getting thru this with friendships intact.

Don't forget, B/C does come with quite the mental battle.  Do not despair.  Don't give cancer that power over you.  Thrive on, sister.

@elimar:

What a great post.

I am merely a husband in all of this, but I "represent" the victim in my house and do so with my heart on the line every minute of every day. I know that I am sensitive on behalf of my wife to all of the actions, reactions and inaction by everyone in our world. I realize that my wife and I are existing in a world now for which there is no 'simulator'. No one could possibly know what we're going through---unless they're in it themselves. It's weird. You WANT support, but you (we) can make it so difficult for these people in our lives who cannot possibly understand the emotional and psychological meat grinder we live in. Someone pities us? They're too negative. Someone tries to treat us normally? They're too cavalier or callous to what we're going through. There's this very small window of 'acceptable' behavior. If you can't walk that thin line between caring enough without depressing me-----you fail me. Who can possibly live up to that? What poor, oblivious (to what we're living) soul---who might mean well---would feel comfortable with us? We can't expect folks to keep us company when you can cut the tension with a chainsaw. My poor dad just asked me if my wife (whom he loves dearly) was "excited" about having only 1 Taxol left-----and I gave him a monologue about 'survivor' being a misnomer and how 'excited' isn't a good way to characterize the relief that she was able to complete a recommended treatment that guarantees nothing and the fear that still exists... will always exist (albeit hopefully in lesser doses as time passes). I'm a jackass. I didn't snap at my dad. But I also certainly didn't encourage him to ask me anymore questions. A lesser person would probably avoid me from this point on. He won't, he's my dad... and a great man-----but I just cut him up, figuratively. A friend, even a good one, might seek to escape interactions with me if I did that to them.

This is hard. But we can make it impossible for others to try and make it easier. Just my 2 cents.

It sounds like someone is lucky to have Colt around.

Yes it is hard. Sometimes I dont even know what I want. Sometimes,I feel like my so called friends should call and check on me. When they do,I feel angry that they waited so long. I feel angry and hurt that some of them virtually disappeared. I feel annoyed that my kids who are grown still feel like they are the center of the universe and my being sick is an inconvenience to them! My fiance has been great. He took care of me after the BMx,he took care of my dog. He babied me for the longest time until I could scream and now I am better and its all back to normal. I have been very lucky to have him. Lucky the folks at work treat me just normal. Lucky I caught it very early and didnt have to go thru chemo. What I have been thru was hard enough. I cant begin to imagine how the rest of you ladies cope. I guess when it comes right down to it we have to search ourselves and find the survival instinct deep inside ourselves. Hugs to you all. Good friends are hard to find, one of my best friends moved out of state to take another job,she had an augmentation for beauty but was able to tell me a few thgs about surg. Whenever we do talk we always end the phone call with i love you because in a world of random violence and uncertain diseases you never know if you will be able to talk again...take very good care of the people who do prove to be a good friend.

indenial,  Yes, you certainly can blame crankiness on chemo, as well as moody tears that spring out of nowhere.  Not to get preachy, but in these situations, the Golden Rule applies.  Try (as best you can) to treat your friends in the manner that you would like them to be treating you.  Lead by your own example when you can.  (I actually trained my oldest friend in this way.  She was bad and never called me once during rads.  Then, she got Dx'd and I called her once a week during her rads and checked on her chemo progress.  When I got a second cancer, darn if she hasn't been calling me weekly.)

Colt45,  You seem to really be going thru' this side by side with your wife, in the emotional sense.  A lot of guys seem to grasp the "science" of cancer, but fall a little short on the emotional end, but you have a good understanding, and yes, it has an impact on all family members.  Sometimes we (the B/C patient) feel guilty about that too.  If you explain to your Dad as well as you wrote your feelings here, I'm sure he'll accept your "apology."  After all, you probably got the communication gene from him.  Wink, wink!  p.s.  I am so jealous of your using the Dreyfuss/mashed potato analogy.  Now why didn't I think of that!!!!!

Layla2525,  My youngest was a h.s. senior when I got my Dx.  I was of two minds.  I wanted him to acknowledge my cancer and behave accordingly (you know, not crush me with the usual teen stress.)  But, I also wanted him to have a great senior year, just like he would normally have if I never got breast cancer.  So, I had to check myself from being too needy.  It ended up working out o.k.  Sorry your kids are not there for you.  I still say asking for help in specific ways makes it easier for them to get involved.

Thanks to you all for this thread. It is quite lonely out here in my physical world, no longer feeling anyone around me wants to hear that I am not over it all yet. It's not pity I want. Just to be able to say I still feel scared. I don't get as much pleasure in the things I used to. I don't want to waste time in small talk. I think you are right that we are the ones who have changed and though its a painful process sometimes letting go of friends, being honest in relating is more important to me than being other than who I am right now. Spiritually I have traveled so far in the three plus year since diagnosis. In many ways I am in such a good place but the dark clouds follow me around and sometimes overcome me. I think we lash out at those around us, or not around us, because we are hurt and alone. It's best to admit its not really about them. Nothing they do will take us back to the care free pre-Dx days, which is what part of us mourns the loss of. I want them to call, but then want to be left alone. Really I think I just want them to know that when I smile, I smile despite the sadness. I want friends who know that each day is a struggle without having to tell them. But our family and friends are not mind readers and don't know what we need. Let's give them a chance to be there for us and reach out when we need to. God bless you all.

Elimar. Yes it was my first post. I think I missed an Effexor dose the night before, and was out of sorts. Really is a blessing to have this community to turn to on a bad day ;-) Feel myself again today. Thanks again!

@indenial:

I hope you are doing better at letting the people in your life help you. I have a conversation planned with my dad to explain to him that it was my fear talking to him.



My fear will help no one. I have to pull it together.

Thx Elimar, you sound like a wise soul.

I remember when my mom was going thru terminal ovarian & endometrial cancer. I really didnt know what to do. So what I did was try to treat her as normally as possible. We brushed her hair when it grew back after chemo because she was so weak. I fed her what she wanted, cereal. I encouraged her to get up and walk around. I told her she needed to keep her muscle strength up so she could brush her own hair when she got better. However, we both knew she was not going to get better. I think I just wanted to pray and hope anyway against all odds. Because after all, miracles have been know to happen.

Happy Mother's Day everyone.