Losing my mother - how to cope?

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Aniella
Aniella Member Posts: 7
edited June 2014 in Caring for Someone with Breast cancer

Hi,

I'm writing for the first time here; I've been reading this forum almost for 3 years now. Please sorry if my english isn't quite good, I'm from Europe and english isn't my native language.

I'm deadworried about my mother. She first was diagnosed with breastcancer in the early 1990s. She had an operation (don't know the english word for it, but they removed her ill breast), went through chemo and radiation. Everything was fine until 2010, when she was diagnosed stage IV with bone mets to her spine, hip and skull. She started some hormonetherapy and was on X-geva and Faslodex (until recently).

A bit over an year ago she was diagnosed with brainmets and went through whole brain radiation therapy, was on decadron for a while and recovered quite ok. Slowly after last summer/fall I noticed some issues with her memory and her walking seemed to become a bit whobbly. We thought that it was side effects from the WBR.

To cut the long story short, her condition still got worse and she was finally hospitalized and they did some tests and found mets on her liver, kidney and lungs, also new brain mets and those mets on her bones had also progressed a bit. Her memory is bad and she can't enter a conversation as she used to. She has also lost her ability to walk almost completely. The docs said that there's nothing they can do, if they tried some chemo it would just weaken her a lot and her quality of life would suffer. She's in such a bad condition already.

So she started some kind of hospice about 2 weeks ago. She's not at home with my dad, but in a hospital. She's not in pain, which is great. She knows that all the treatments have stopped and she has palliative care if needed (painmedication etc).

I'm around my 30s, living in another city, workinh full time and trying to cope with all this pain and agony. I worry about my mother; what might she be going throug (she's not very talkative person about her feelings), how's my father coping all this,  they have been married over 40 years and are still very much in love. How can I help and support them?  How do I cope with all this? I don't know how much time my mother still has. I try to travel to see her every weekend and spend as much time with her as I can. I call her every day and just talk about the everyday stuff.  I' terrified about loosing my mother even though I knew these times would eventually come.

Any word of advice, support, ways to manage with all this? Any tips, advice or ways to handle the situation? Thank you very much for your help.

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  • Godspeed
    Godspeed Member Posts: 61
    edited February 2013

    Aniella,

    I'm very touched by your story. My wife has stage IV with mets to the spine. We pray for recovery and God's will. I know that what your Mom is going through is a possibility for my wife. It is so hard to see a loved one in pain.

    My wife and I believe in Jesus as Lord, who forgives sin as a free gift, and will take us to heaven to be with Him forever. This short life we have here passes quickly and no one is gaurentyed tomorrow. Heaven is forever.

    Does your Mom have hope for heaven? Does your dad? It is the only comfort my wife and I find in the very difficult times.

    It sounds like you are doing all that you can, visiting your Mom and Dad often. Your Dad will continue to need support in the future. You will need support too. Do you have a close friend to confide in? Is there a Christan from a local church that can help (ask for an elder in the church).

    I am sorry to hear you have to go through this. It must be very difficult. I am praying for peace for your Familly. Please PM me if you want to talk.

    Godspeed

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  • Alicethecat
    Alicethecat Member Posts: 535
    edited February 2013

    Hi Aniella

    I'm so sorry you're going through this.

    You sound like a lovely daughter who does her best. Rest assured, you've come to the right place. There are many awesome members here who may be offer words of advice.

    Just wanted to say that you are not alone and there are people who care, even though we've never met in person.

    Best wishes

    Alice

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  • ZippyDee
    ZippyDee Member Posts: 7
    edited February 2013

    I am so sorry you are having to go through all of this. I just recently lost my mom to breast cancer and it wasn't, and still isn't, easy. My mom also never liked to talk about her feelings and it would always seem to make it harder because you want to make sure you are supporting her in the right direction. But if I were you, I would keep doing what you are doing. Talk to her, visit her, tell her you love her and tell her that you are going to be okay. All moms are more worried about their children than themselves, even in situations like this. I know you feel like you aren't doing enough, but the fact is that all you can do is support her. Just use the precious time you have left with her, because you don't know how much you have left. I am only 19, and it has now been a month after my mom's death, but I am thankful for the fact that I had at least 19 years of being with her, talking with her, and letting our mother-daughter relationship grow. And some people even get fewer than that. Just think about your 30 years together, and make as many memories as you possibly can in these next few weeks. Losing your mom is never easy, no matter what age, and I hope you can cope with this as best as possible. You all are in my prayers!

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  • Aniella
    Aniella Member Posts: 7
    edited February 2013

    Went to see my mother again yesterday. She looks so small in her hospital bed. She's quite humorous and told me laughing that at least now she's losing the 3 extra kilograms she carried around years trying to loose. She still has that old funny spirit in her. She managed to be up for few hours, then she got tired and fell asleep. I held her hand and just looked at her. I love her so much. Then I went to see my dad in his house, cleaned the house for him and made him dinner for yesterday and for the days to come. I try to make his everyday life as easy as possible, when ever I visit him.

    Godspeed: thank you very much for your words. I'm happy that your wife has you as her support and that you both have the faith in Jesus, it really must give you the hope in difficult times, and the thought of heaven as forever. My parents both never has gone to church but I think they have their own ways of believing. I on the other hand have done some spiritual seeking, so to speak, and at this point I'm quite lost in that way. I'm grateful to have friends and my fiance who I can rely on when need a shoulder to cry on or someone to talk to.

    Alicethecat: I want to thank you for your kind words. It means a lot to me to know that I'm not alone with my thoughts. I wish all the best for you.

    Zippydee: Thank you for your wise words and I'm sorry for your lost. My mother also doesn't want to talk about her deepest emotions but I still know they are there. I hold her hand, brush her short hair, polish her nails, spend time with her, tell her things I see and hear, phone her every day - those are our ways to show we love each others.

    And that was really good point - to tell her that I'm going to be ok after she's gone. I've been worrying about her dying so much and how my dad will cope that I haven't thought about it that way. I know I'm important to my mother and she's always worried about me. That's really a topic I want to talk to her next weekend when I go to see her again.  

    I really feel blessed to find this forum and finally got the courage to write here.

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  • ReneeinOH
    ReneeinOH Member Posts: 511
    edited February 2013

    Hi Aniella, I did not lose my mother to breast cancer, but did live far away when she passed.  It is very difficult when you don't know how much time you have.  From what you've shared, you are doing so much, so you should feel good about that.  Your mother seems to be handling this so well; something to be grateful for.  Your goal should be that she experience minimal pain, have contact family and friends at this time, which it seems to be the case.  Your father is going to be hardest hit from this.  Is there any kind of support group for him? 

    How do you cope--you find a way because you have to.  And you have been. Follow your instincts; they are correctly leading you.  (((((Hugs to you and your family)))))

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  • Alicethecat
    Alicethecat Member Posts: 535
    edited February 2013

    Hi Aniella

    How are you doing?

    Are you managing to have some time for yourself too? I hope you have some lovely friends who are spoiling you.

    When I got diagnosed last year, it was my friends who continually kept me going. Hopefully your new friends on this forum will help you too.

    Best wishes

    Alice

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  • Aniella
    Aniella Member Posts: 7
    edited February 2013

    ReneeinOH: Thank you for your words. You are right - I cope because I have to cope. I spend with my mother all the spare time I have (basicly every weekend), and try to help my dad as much as I can. There isn't any supportgroups that he could go to, but thankfully he has some very good close friends that lives in his neighborhood.

    Alicethecat: I'm doing quite ok. Work keeps me busy during the week and when the weekend comes, I drive to see my mom. I have some close friends plus my fiancee, who I can lean on.

    As the days go by, I'm starting to be more and more afraid. I feel like the time for my mother to go is getting closer and closer. I went to see her again this weekend. She doesn't talk a lot, but likes to hear stories we tell her about our everyday life. She has her siblings visiting her almost every day (as they live in the same town) and I know she's in good care. She sleeps a lot. I told her that I'm going to be ok and she doesn't have to worry about me. I don't know if she heard me but I hope she did.

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  • ReneeinOH
    ReneeinOH Member Posts: 511
    edited February 2013

    I am sure she heard you Aniella. This is tough for you. I recommend just being in the moment. Do not be surprised if she slips away when family is gone. I do believe many can choose to when to pass. My mom did so in middle of night, with no family there. They are our mom's and want to protect us. Wishing you all peace.

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  • Aniella
    Aniella Member Posts: 7
    edited March 2013

    ReneeinOH: Thank you for your words. I think that slipping away whe she's alone sounds like something my mom would do. She's always done everything to protect me and my brother.

    Went to see her again yesterday, when I had a day off work. She doesn't speak anymore, maybe answers yes/no if asked but not always. But when I see her looking at me, I know she still recognizes me. She's still my mother, although I feel like she's slowly slipping away and I feel like part of her is not here with us anymore. I miss her already, even though I still can visit her, talk to her and hold her hand.

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  • chrissy_ram
    chrissy_ram Member Posts: 2
    edited March 2013

    Hi,

    I lost my mom on January 9th and she had pretty much the same issues as your mom. It went fast so my words of advice are take off work NOW and be there NOW! You will never get this time back! Hospice is great! I have no realy words to help you with the pain because I am in tears just writing this. Its the most horrible experince I have ever gone through and I have yet to find a way to cope. All i can say is just hold her and be with her and talkt to her! JUST LOVE HER RIGHT NOW!

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  • mandapanda
    mandapanda Member Posts: 105
    edited March 2013

    A suggestion I have for you is to keep a journal during the time. My mom passed in August and I kept a journal starting the week she went into hospice and wrote down things she said. So, I would never forget. So, if your mom has said certain things during her this time I would write it down. I hope you find peace, this will be one of the most difficult times in your life.

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  • sameheart8
    sameheart8 Member Posts: 9
    edited April 2013

    Hi Aniella,

    My mom just passed away on April 4th from breast cancer. She was also in hospice care and thankfully I was there at her bedside when she passed on. I agree with chrissy_ram: PLEASE STOP GOING TO WORK! Be there with your mom. These are precious moments that you will not get back. My mom seemed "fine" and then she broke more bones and it was downhill from there. You will regret it if you are not there spending time with her. Sorry to be so blunt, I hope you are not offended.

    I hope that you and your dad are coping with your very tough situation. God bless you and your family. It is an awful situation to have to go through. I know.

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  • Aniella
    Aniella Member Posts: 7
    edited April 2013

    A lot has happened since I last wrote here. I managed to took time off work (as much as my boss allowed me) and spend the time with my mother. She passed away yesterday, in her sleep. Me and the rest of my family got the change to say goodbye. I'm heartbroken.

    Thank you all for your kind words and support.

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  • ReneeinOH
    ReneeinOH Member Posts: 511
    edited April 2013

    Aniella, so sorry for your loss.  Hoping you find some comfort and peace that your mom is at rest.

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  • Aniella
    Aniella Member Posts: 7
    edited April 2013

    ReneeinOH: Thank you. Even though Im heartbroken and miss her a lot, I know she's at rest now and in peace. I saw the expression on her face - there was no  sorrow, suffering or pain anymore. 

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  • Papillon1
    Papillon1 Member Posts: 308
    edited April 2013

    So sorry for your heartbreak.



    I am in my 30s and my mother will no doubt go through a similar experience in the future. She has a brain met and liver and lung and bone..



    I live in another country to her and have no idea how I will cope.



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