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my2boys
my2boys Member Posts: 339
edited June 2014 in Mental Health: Because Cancer Doesn't Just Affect Your Breasts

My husband told me that my cancer is taking away the children's childhood. He also said other things. Then he turned his self righteous back on me. I'm really thinking I should just end it all......I know that I didn't cause this cancer, but I can't change what's been said. five years of fighting is too much and my family hates me.

My kids would be better off....they are tired of treatments according to my husband who said they are all sick of this.
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  • kira1234
    kira1234 Member Posts: 3,091
    edited March 2013

    my2boys,

    I don't really know what to say except it's very obvious your husband said some very hurtful things to you. I have no idea what your childrens ages are, but I will tell you they love you and need you in their lives, there is no way they would ever be better with you gone!!! Do you have other family members you can talk with about your feelings? If you want to talk privately feel welcome to PM me.

    Karen

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  • 1Athena1
    1Athena1 Member Posts: 6,696
    edited March 2013

    If you are going to end anything, make it your marriage. Your husband's attitude is far worse a cancer than you could ever have or be. I am so sorry that you are the recipient of such cruelty. This is not "not knowing how it feels like." This is cruelty. That loser is the only thing your should give the axe to, and the cancer has done you the favor of showing him up. That's the silver lining. Dead serious here.

    Hugs to you.

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  • patti13
    patti13 Member Posts: 89
    edited March 2013

    OMG!!!!!!!  I think that you need some support and hope that you can find that here, and in the med. community.  I think to heal, as I'm sure you know, is trying to get away from negativity.  This post is very sad - and I know there were some days when I felt totally alone and what was the point.  But it passed.  I'm not sure what to say - please get some help in dealing with this. 

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  • chrissyb
    chrissyb Member Posts: 16,818
    edited March 2013

    Oh please don't do that! Have you actually spoken to your children and asked them how they feel? Please don't take you husbands word for how they feel......it sounds like he is the one with the problem.......not you......yes you have cancer but that is no reason to give up! Please, please get some help from the hospital councillor ......this does not need to be this way.

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  • lemon68
    lemon68 Member Posts: 684
    edited March 2013

    my2boys,

    BIG HUG, I am sorry he is saying such hurtful things. Do not let him speak for your kids. Do not let him do this to you or allow him to make you feel this way.They are all tired of treatments, thats fine but THEY ARE NOT the ones getting them, YOU are. Not sure what today is like but a walk might help clear your head, please PM me if you need to talk. You didnt do this to yourself, its not fair and there is some selfishness happening with your hub.

    XO

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  • patti13
    patti13 Member Posts: 89
    edited March 2013

    thank you athena for saying what I couldn't bring myself to say!

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  • LittleMelons
    LittleMelons Member Posts: 273
    edited March 2013

    my2boys - believe me your children do not want you to end it all.  They love you and that would be the most devastating thing for them!  Shame on your husband for saying something so hurtful.  Please call the suicide hotline or seek counselling immediately if your have suicidal thoughts.  If your husband continues in this vein you need to get away from him.

    Keep fighting and get outside help.  You will feel better in time.  Guaranteed!

    We are here for you.  Please keep coming on to discuss your feelings.

    Hugs to you!

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  • exbrnxgrl
    exbrnxgrl Member Posts: 12,424
    edited March 2013

    My2boys,

    Please,please call a crisis hotline and/ or get in touch with your doctor ASAP if you are having suicidal thoughts. Your husband is a cruel and thoughtless man to have said these things to you. Yes, bc and it's treatments are hard on family members but there is help, support groups, counseling, available for all ages. How old are your boys? Please tell us more about yourself. We are women, men, mothers, daughters, grandmothers and wives of all ages and circumstances on this forum. We are here in good times and bad so take advantage of the support we can give in addition to professional support. You can private message me if you want. I grew up in the Bronx and went to Queens College. Living in CA for many years but will never forget my roots.

    Warm Regards and a big hug,

    Caryn

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  • 1openheart
    1openheart Member Posts: 765
    edited March 2013

    my2boys...I wish I could reach through my screen and hug you and tell you that your life and struggles have meaning.  I can't say where your  husband's head was at when he said those things to you.  Watching someone you love fight this fight takes a toll.  I cannot imagine any circumstance where your childrens' lives would be better without you in it.  Please reach out to someone who is close and talk to them about your hurt and feelings.  Try to get through today and I am hoping that tomorrow will be better.

    Sending warm wishes for peace and love in your heart and mind.

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  • besa
    besa Member Posts: 1,088
    edited March 2013

    My2boys- It is hard enought to deal with treatment, you shouldn't have to deal with a husband that dishes this kind of stuff.  I can tell you that your kids would absolutely not be better off without you.  They need you.  They do not want you gone and you being "gone" in this particular way would cause them pain that could last a lifetime.   You would also be leaving them with a dad that has huge issues.  The problem is not with you.  If I was in your shoes I would quickly make an appointment with a counselor -someone who has experience deaing with patients facing serious medical issues.  You may be able to get a name from your oncologist.  (Your husband clearly should be talking to someone but I am not sure how to make that happen).  You need an advocate -someone who will support you and someone who will help you deal with your husband. 

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  • 1Athena1
    1Athena1 Member Posts: 6,696
    edited April 2013

    I'd say the manipulative asshole is probably using the children to make his own selfish case. Your little ones want, need, love and couldn't do without you. I am sure their father's attitude is not helping them through this time. Please don't believe anything your ill-meaning husband says. I sound harsh here, but cruelty is much harsher. And no, he is not a good man. He is a coward.

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  • patti13
    patti13 Member Posts: 89
    edited March 2013

    actually - feels like abuse to me.  my2boys - children always need their mother no matter how old - I'd talk to a lawyer - tell him he needs to leave until he gets some counseling.  sorry if i sound a little harsh.

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  • profbee
    profbee Member Posts: 858
    edited March 2013

    1-800-273-TALK is the national hotline for suicide prevention.  Truly, you are not alone.  To say such things is cruel.  Also, I don't know what drugs you're currently on, but they can be the cause of these feelings as well.  AND...I'll tell ya, I needed some anti-depressants at one point.  Cancer treatment is a long haul, and that can affect your brain chemistry.  I'll bet your docs can help you and you'll feel much better.  Please, please, reach out for some help. 

    I grew up on LI as well!  I wish I was nearby to take you out and get your mind off hubby's assy comments. 

    Lots of love

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  • itsjustme10
    itsjustme10 Member Posts: 796
    edited March 2013

    OMG, instead of thinking of ending it all for you, how about thinking of hitting him upside the head with a cast iron frying pan?  I'm sorry, but what a selfish jerk (and a whole bunch of other things I won't say).  Tell him if he's that  tired of it, he knows where the door is.  What an abusive fool he is.

    The ONLY think taking away yoru childrens' childhood is someone telling them their childhood is being taken away.  Your kids love you, and even if you're going through things that are making it less than an ideal situation, so what?  What you are going through is "normal" to them.  Everyone has to deal with all sorts of things, and they not only survive, but thrive.

    He's the one with the problem, not you.  (((hugs)))

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  • melmcbee
    melmcbee Member Posts: 1,119
    edited March 2013

    My2boys, do you have any family or friends that you can stay with just to get a break from that negativity? I hope your pompous jerk of a weasel knows that karma is a b&*ch. What comes around goes around and he is gonna suffer tremendously one day for this.

    Better yet see if you can get some sort of legal advice and get him to leave. If you can get away from this negativity you will start to heal more. Maybe he is what is making you so sick. the jerk.

    Honey, I know how you feel. I feel like crap everyday because I cant do what I want for my family or with my family. It would kill me to hear those words. Please please dont do anything that will cause your children more home. They love you and it would devastate them. Healing hugs.

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  • patti13
    patti13 Member Posts: 89
    edited March 2013

    I'd sure as hell make sure that HE was the one that left....put some distance and get some perspective.  and don't let the door hit you in the ass on your way out dude.

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  • my2boys
    my2boys Member Posts: 339
    edited March 2013

    Thank you so much for responding. I went and sat with a sympathetic neighbor and over tea, she gave me the name of a psychiatric professional in our area who she thinks might be able to help. There is nothing worse than the feeling that you are somehow responsible for your children's unhappiness.



    One of my boys is a teen and he is very demanding and a bit selfish. He never used to be this way and I don't know why it is starting now. He complains that he can't have his friends over because I am sick.



    I have been fighting this for five years.......I am at the end of my rope. Was going to take a bottle of sleeping pills last night and then I read that if they don't kill you, they can leave you in a coma.....with my luck I would end up a vegetable and then he would taunt me forever about what a burden I am.

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  • Lily55
    Lily55 Member Posts: 3,534
    edited March 2013

    Your husband is añ un feeling selfish arse - please get some support from a womans group and a divorce attorney and get rid of him - you are worth a lot moré......

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  • profbee
    profbee Member Posts: 858
    edited March 2013

    I'm glad you spoke with a friend, and got the number of a counselor to call.  I adore my child, but children ARE selfish.  It's because they are totally taken care of....by US!  I'm sick of cancer.  You're sick of cancer.  Of course, your family is sick of it too.  I would have loved to twitch my nose and not have any of the people I love have to go through this with me...for all of us. But hon, just because all of you are sick of it doesn't mean it would be better if you weren't here.  I'm not apologizing for hubby's rant, but you take care of YOU.  Tell your son you'd like to have your friends over too.  Tell him you're tired of being sick as well. 

    What's going on with you right now?  Are you in active treatment still?  How can we help?  :)

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  • kira1234
    kira1234 Member Posts: 3,091
    edited March 2013

    my2boys, I'm so glad you have a neighbor you can talk to. As far as your son being demanding I hate to say it that is part of being a teenager. Kids can be very selfish and say things that hurt more than you can imagine.. I remember very well my own son during those teen years, but I will say it does get better. He needs you now even if he acts like he doesn't.

    I agree with all the others you are the one who needs support that your husband seems unable or unwilling to give. I don't know about you but I know I went through some very low periods, and turned to a variety of people to get the help I needed. Is there an active BC group in your area? I have been lucky where I live a group of us here on this site have formed a very strong bond of support. If you are anywhere near the Tampa Florida area we would love you to become a part of our group!

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  • patti13
    patti13 Member Posts: 89
    edited March 2013

    my2boys - you are not responsible for your childrens unhappiness.  Having raised 2 children - teens are trying.  How about some counseling with your children - might raise some awareness concerning what YOU are going thru.  glad you are going to get some help with this. Meantime - while waiting for appt. hope you call crisis hot line when things seem unbearable...hugs

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  • Moderators
    Moderators Member Posts: 25,912
    edited March 2013

    Like all the wonderful women have said already, this is the time to get professional therapy/help and ideally, family/marital therapy. Please do also call the hotline if you find yourself feeling desperate.

    Your children need you, regardless of what your husband or kids say. Teens will be teens, which includes often being self-centered and blaming parents/adults for things.

    Please call today for help- and listen to us all here.

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  • Moderators
    Moderators Member Posts: 25,912
    edited March 2013

    Hotline in the US: 1-800-273-8255. You are not alone, and you are not responsible. Please get help this week.

    We are thinking about you!

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  • 1openheart
    1openheart Member Posts: 765
    edited March 2013

    My2boys...so relieved that you reached out to your neighbor today.  I have to agree with what some of the others have said.  Your husband is being a inconsiderate jerk by saying what he did.  Your son, well, it sounds like he is just being a teenager.  They have a hard time seeing beyond their own noses sometimes.  I can hear in your words just how tired you are of being sick and tired.  It sounds like you feel that you are a burden.  I bet if your family knew what you were feeling today they would be so ashamed of their words and actions and so afraid of losing you.  

    Please take advantage of the offers of help and don't hesitate to use the hotline if you need it.  Take care.

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  • itsjustme10
    itsjustme10 Member Posts: 796
    edited March 2013

    My2boys...your teenager is acting the way he is because, well, because he's a teenager.  That's what teenagers do..that's what we did, that's what our parents did (no matter how many times they tell you about walking uphill in the snow for 10 miles to go to school), it's what our children do, and it's what their children will do.  He won't stop acting selfish until he leaves his teen years behind.

    If you were 100% perfectly fine, he would still be selfish, find something to blame your for, and find something to complain about - that's his job - to be a pain in the tushy.

    Why not talk to him?  Maybe there can be some sort of compromise?  Can he and his friends hang out in your basement, where they won't bother you?  Sometimes just acknowledging his pain will make him have a little empathy for you - otherwise, he just hears his dad complain, and you're kind of automatically at fault.  But whatever you do, don't apologize - none of this is your fault, and don't let any of them twist it to make it that way.

    I'm glad your neighbor was there for you.  Hope you get this all worked out. :)

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  • LibraryLynn
    LibraryLynn Member Posts: 83
    edited March 2013

    As a high school librarian for 28 years, I can say that every teenager is selfish at one time or another. It's in their nature, and I think ItsJust has a good idea. Talk with him about formulating a compromise of some sort.

    Your husband, on the other hand, should not be given any sort of compromise. I think talking with a counselor is the best idea, and s/he can give you some strategies for dealing with his feelings and his hurtful, unnecessary words to you. 

    You definitely need a hug, even if it is only a virtual one. We are all sending you healing and calming white light to get you through this time. Absolutely DO NOT hesitate to call the number above to get in touch with a counselor immediately, if you feel a compelling urge to harm yourself. 

    Please take care of yourself and stay here for support. We are all right here with you.

    Lynn

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  • my2boys
    my2boys Member Posts: 339
    edited March 2013

    Thank you again for your concern and caring responses. I am sitting here alone and sad because my husband is giving me the cold shoulder, since I am doing this to all of them? I always thought he was a little unreasonable, but overlooked it. I have offered my finished basement to my son and his friends, but he wants them to sleep here for a day or two during the school break. I am not up to serving and cleaning up after several teenage boys. I keep thinking that everyone would just be happy if I wasn't here....they would be free of this burden....including me.



    I will reach out to the social worker at the cancer center tomorrow, but for the rest of today, I will try to stay alone and read a book or do something else. Life is hard. Cancer makes it so much harder.



    Thank you again...you are very caring and kind to me.

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  • Moderators
    Moderators Member Posts: 25,912
    edited March 2013

    Or, get out, take a walk, get air. Treat yourself kindly!

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  • snowday
    snowday Member Posts: 7
    edited March 2013

    Oh my dear one. I am thinking of you, my2boys. Take a deep breath....and then another...and another. Do not worry about tomorrow or next week. Just get through the next hour...and the next. One hour, one day at a time. Tomorrow, you can call the counselor and help will be on its way for you. If things get hard tonight, go see your friend again that you talked with today. If things feel very hard, call your friend and ask her to take you to the hospital. You can rest there, and can be given something to help your sleep and feel less depressed. They are there to help you. The doctors and nurses completely understand. 

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  • Alicethecat
    Alicethecat Member Posts: 535
    edited March 2013

    Sweetie

    You are not alone. You are a member of an interconnected community and we're here for you.

    You must be a lovely person re having a sympathetic neighbour because so many people don't even know their neighbours nowadays!

    The people on the end of the helplines the Mods suggested are there because they want to help you too. Please don't feel too shy to ring them if you would like to.

    Love

    Alice


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