Suicide

Grace2U

I hardly ever post but came accross your post and it brought tears to my eyes because of how you are feeling because of your husbands comments..that was so hurtful. I am a close relative of someone recently diagnosed and I cant even express how much more love I am feeling for her because of this. When I tell strangers of her diagnosis they immeditely want to pray for her and they show so much love for her, this is human nature. Your husband is wrong in saying these things and I know separating would probably be out of the question right now but think of your health and your children who love and need you AT THIS MOMENT. Speak to your doctor about anxiety and anti depressant medication to get you through this and do not let your husband bring you down. Pray and have faith that God will see you through this and once you're there, then decide on your marriage. This is too hard for you to be with an insensitive and not compassionate man, but you can get through it without his support.



I am so sorry that you are in this situation.

steelrose

My2boys,



My blood boiled when I read your post. I won't add any more to what's been said about your very manipulative, very cruel husband. But as a child who lost her mother at the age of 12, I can assure you that your children want you, need you, and must have you with them as long as possible! Losing my Mom devastated me, and I would have given anything for just one more day. Your son is in pain too, remember that, although he probably can't properly express it. So he's a rude teenager!



Please seek help. Don't give up on yourself or your children. Your husband should be ashamed of himself.



Sending love to you!



Rose.

exbrnxgrl

My2boys,

We are here and will continue to be here for you. So glad to hear about your neighbor and hope you get on the phone for assistance first thing tomorrow morning.

Caryn

Moiralf

My2boys,

More support and encouragement coming. I totally agree with the posters above. I  cheered with 1Athena1 comments. That was cruel of your husband(can't call him DH, he isn't)  and now he is giving you the cold shoulder? How rude, well he has nothing nice to say so I guess saying nothing is right. Who suggested the bat up the side of the head? I would keep the mental imagine of that in your mind when he starts talking again.

You boy is just being a teenager like the others have said. If he wants his friends to sleep over he should be looking after them. When is it your job to provide hotel service? maybe you could work out a compromise, only 1 or 2 friends and he looks after their needs. Really only food, so toss fast food and junk down into the basement and leave them to it. Warning, don't go down there. teenage boys get feral really fast. 

If you were not there, who would provide the service for the boys? He would be in a totally worse position and be without you altogether, he would hate that more I think.

Get that help, talk to someone and keep talking to them. You deserve good things in your life. You are worthy of being with your family for everyday you can. 

Moira

P.S. A grown man sulking is not attractive. What a 2 year old. Grow some balls. Ohh, that was naughty.

netty46

Funny when I was in treatment I kinda felt like this. I can understand . My husband never ever said anything hurtful but I felt I was a burden. That my daughters grades would fall cause of me. That my home was falling apart . It was baddddd and I cryed everyday.

lemon68

my2boys- I am so glad you were able to reach out to your neighbor, continue to reach out. Whether here, with a neighbor, hotline, friend, keep reaching out.

I have teen boys too, having them have friends spend the night is a huge undertaking for me, I understand. I bet he understands also, I think your husband is causing the issues not your kids or you. Why cant your husband step in and tend to their needs?

Giving you the cold shoulder? I am so sorry, dont let him do this to you.. he is not worthy of you. Breaks my heart to think in your time of need he would do this to you. Hold your head high and please keep reaching out as you can see we are all here, remember YOU did not do this it happened and your doing all you can to get well. Shame on him. Your kids they love you, I wouldnt doubt that a minute.

((HUGS))

1Athena1

My2boys,

It occurred to me to mention to you that we have some husbands who post here because their wives have bc. They are the most caring, loving individuals. They tell us how beautiful their wives are, how these women are everything to them, how much their lives are made richer by them.

Why do I tell you ths? Because I am getting the impression that you are slightly internalizing what the goon who dares to call himself your husband is saying. Just remember that you are:

--beautiful

--loving

--necessary and NEEDED by your obnoxious teenager

--worthy of caring for with and without cancer.

The only gaping, serious deficiency in your household is the man who dares to be cruel and give you the cold shoulder. You are clearly overwhelmed. Use what little energy you have for yourself. Don't let the goon take you down. He is not worthy of you. The cancer is NOT YOUR FAULT, the treatment is NOT YOUR FAULT but your husband's attitude is entirely his fault.

You HAVE cancer. He IS an asshole. Huge difference. 

RangerMom

My2boys,

Thank God you reached out here and to your neighbor. My husband (at the time) said words to me "do us all a favor and just die," when we were going through a divorce. Words like that cut you to the core but you will heal from them in time. If you pray, pray for God to to protect you from his negativity, heal his fear and anger and  surround you with only love and protection. I will keep you in my prayers tonight.  Linda

geewhiz

You know...I read this post. Then skipped over it. So many people had said so many things PERFECTLY so I felt like there was nothing left to say.

But it's still bugging the absolute crap out of me. So I guess it bears repeating.... DANG girl...what an ASS for your husband to say such CRAP!!! And I thought the same thing said above...that he is poisoning your kids minds. No children want to be without their mom...sick or otherwise. Ignore him. We all feel a little off our rockers occasionally. Talk it through with some qualified folks. And maybe spit in his coffee in the morning ; )

Susie123

((( my2boys )))

I'm so sorry your husband said all those hurtful things to you. Please don't believe that your kids don't love you and need you. I am a mom to 2 teenage boys and they can be a little self adsorbed at times too. I think that's normal for teenagers even when cancer isn't in the picture. You are important to your family, don't ever let anyone make you believe otherwise. Please do seek help locally, you do not have to live with a man who is just downright mean to you. I watched my mother lock herself in the bathroom where she swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills when I was nine years old because of similar treatment by my father. I called my grandpa, he came over and took the door off the hinges to get her out of the bathroom. Her stomach was pumped and she lived, got help, and divorced my father. A few years later she met the man that she has been married to for 40 years now. It's not worth it to hurt yourself. Your kids need you, even if they are typical self absorbed teenagers like mine. Don't ever let your husband make you feel any differently. You are important and loved.

blondiex46

Welll sweetie, this is another time where I wished we all lived near each other....I have a question, what kind of support system do you have other than him....and your kids.....trust me it isn't just your kids I have 19 year old twins that aren't handling this disease very well either....there is no excuse as to what you husband said, he will get his....I had a bf actually the father of the twins say that I really didn't have cancer (in 1996) that I just said it to get attention, ok that is what I could pick....

You are not up to doing certain things and that is ok...don't let anybody make you feel guilty about how you feel....We are here come and talk to us anytime....

chrissyb

My2boys, I'm so glad that your neighbour was there and you were able to talk to her. Do please listen to what the lovely ladies have said to you, you are not at fault in any of this and your so called husband is not worth taking your life over........he is an ASS and needs to learn that the world does not revolve around him.



Your son is just being a normal teenager........as one of the other ladies said, offer him the basement for his sleep over but the deal is he looks after his mates and cleans up when they go home. That will help teach him that the world does not revolve around him, but to be part of this world he needs to learn compromise. Oh yes, his reactions are typically normal for a teenager.......boy or girl.



Keep coming here to talk........you know you can be brutally honest. B telling us about your feelings you have taken the first step to healing.........do the same with a professional, you will not regret the effort.



Love n hugs. Chrissy

LittleMelons

my2boys - How are you today?  I'm so glad that you have a neighbour that you can talk to.  Try to visit with her as often as you can.  A sympathetic ear does wonders when we are down.  I hope you will contact the therapist she recommended or if that doesn't work out, try asking your oncologist for a referral.  A therapist who has had experience with people with cancer would be especially helpful to you, I think.  It sounds like you are depressed and a combination of talk therapy and possibly an anti-depressant could make you feel much, much better and help you find joy in life.  Your husband could be depressed as well and require therapy to cope.  If he continues to say cruel and hurtful things to you, that is emotional abuse, and a separation from him may be the best thing for your family.  I have two boys as well and as teenagers they could be selfish and hurtful.  I believe that come from their wish to become independent combined with immaturity.  I know that they love me, though, as your boys love you.

Hang in there, my2boys.  It is worth the fight.  We are here for you anytime.

Many hugs!

Anonymous

(((((my2boys))))) Don't have anything to add to all the very good advice and comments but wanted to add my voice that we are always here and sending love, hugs, and Light.

1openheart

my2boys...I hope you are feeling better today and I hope that you can feel all of the concern and positive, loving energy that has been flowing your way.

softness1

As someone who lost their mother as a young adult, I will tell you that I would give anything to have just a minute more with her. It would mean the world to me. I couldn't imagine losing my mother as a kid... I agree, the only thing you need to end is your marriage. How dare your husband!!!!

It's that touch, that smile, that laughter, secret jokes, those definitely surpass the bad moments. Don't ever think that you're kids don't need you...When I think about my mother I think of all the great times. I don't concentrate on the negative. It's been 16 years since she died and I'm still not 100%. There is a tinge of sadness to everything. Even in my happiest moment I'm hit with a bit of sadness because she's not there to enjoy it with me.. Mother's are everything to us!!! EVERYTHING!!!!

You battle on to be here for  your kids, you don't just give up because of what your heartless husband says...Husbands can be changed, not your kids. They get one mother!!!!  Regardless if they know it now, they're seeing you being strong, battling this with all you have, not giving up. That's what you want them to see. because as we all know, when we get older we understand the things our mother told or did for us when we were younger.  

And please My2boys, I have 2 teenage boys who acts snotty from time to time. I think at a certain age they all go through it, sickness or not..Hormones. .So if your son is acting up, trust me when I tell you it's not unusual for his age. Just ask around. Most of us with teens have stories that are similiar. 

Don't give up.  

(((((((hugs)))))

Ann

Lily55

My2boys - your teenager is just being that but your husband is being a total ****. IGNORE him, if I look at him dispassionately (hard to do when he is being so cruel to you) I wonder if he has found an outlet for his hurt and anger and pain at your diganosis as he seems to be taking it out on you and YOU ARE NOT TO BLAME......my guess is you are the strong glue of the family and he is lost without you but he will have to get used to that as he is not worthy of you, you deserve better, my OH has been far from brilliant (oh how i have longed for some of the husbands on forums!!) but he is not this cruel.......

We WANT you alive and your children NEED you alive.........please check in with us regularly and take in our care and support of you.

HUGS.....

liefie

My2boys, sincerely hope you will check in, and tell us you are okay. We are all supporting you, and wishing the best for you. I am also mom of two boys. They are difficult/miserable as teens, but they NEED you ALWAYS, even if they don't realize it at the time. You have so much to live for, and that DH of yours is downright mean and cruel. Don't let it affect you, and please don't believe his LIES. His egocentric selfishness is simply beyond all belief. Big hugs to you!

indenial

Hugs to you... I'm so sorry you are feeling so much pain.

Your husband is being a total jerk. Not everyone knows how to deal with cancer, and everyone reaches their breaking point eventually, so his feelings might be normal but he is being completely inappropriate. He should express those feeling to a friend or counselor who can just listen, NOT to you, that is not right. Can I suggest that you allow yourself to feel angry at him? Right now he seems to deserve your anger and you definitely deserve to feel and express it, to him or someone else. I know that a lot of the times in my life when I felt most self-destructive, I was turning my anger inward. I'm not sure if that's true for you but I encourage you to think about it. Maybe if you can let out the anger in a healthier way, the urge to hurt yourself will subside a bit.

One of my closest friends lost her mother (to BC) around the age of your son. It has affected her so deeply and I know she would give anything to have her mom back, even just for a moment. Your kids are going through a tough time along with you, but I can guarantee they still want & need you in their lives, even if they seem to feel otherwise at the momemt. They are teens and they are irrational (I know I wasn't rational when I was a teen!) and they are moody and selfish and that's just part of growing up, whether they have a mom with BC or not. It's not their fault you have cancer, and it's not your fault either. Please don't take it out on youself.

I hope you are OK, please don't hesitate to ask for help from friends, other family members, crisis line, us, whoever you feel comfortable talking to. It has taken me a long, long time to realize feelings are temporary... that every feeling, no matter how horrible, will eventually subside. You just have to ride it out & get whatever support you can until the feeling passes. One of the only things I really regret in my life is taking permanent actions based on temporary feelings. Wishing you peace & hope & love.

gonegirl

my2boys:

What a sh*t your husband is, a total ass.  I am single with cancer and used to think that this would be easier with a husband. But then i saw women posting who had uncaring and/or abusive husbands, and i thought, cancer is hell enough without someone abusing me. 

Cancer takes it out of all of us.  It just sucks.  Here are some other resources I've fount that might help you too.

CancerCare offers online support groups as well as limited sessions telephone counseling (about 6 sessions).  Their number is 1-800-813-4673

Sharsheret also has telephone support groups and limited sessions telephone counseling.  They support Jewish and non-Jewish women, and this group has literally saved my life.

Imerman Angels will match you up with a cancer angel who has a similar diagnosis who can also provide telephone support.

Also check with your local cancer center for local support groups.  I have found that I need to reach out and find the help I need, and that if I ask, folks do help.

Ignore the whankers, hoser, and doinkers out there, and know that your boys, as idiotic as they may be acting, would dearly miss you.  Besides, you are their only hope in becoming decent human beings since your husband is providing such a horrible example.

Hugs, love, and much identifying with what you're saying.

Susan

Gingerbrew

Dear My2boys, 

I hope today is a better day for you. 

You need to know that the life experience of losing ones parent to death by cancer is a universe away from losing ones parent to suicide. The children are surely angry with you for getting sick even if they don't express it, kids are very sensitive to abandonment, real or perceived. A parent having a life threatening illness is very difficult.  Knowing a parent chose suicide is devastating. 

I think some of us here have reacted to your husbands words in a primal and sort of expected way. We want to protect you.  However if your husband was otherwise a reasonable person before your illness I would like to suggest that he may also be depressed and possibly have an agitated depression. This can even be dangerous for your family if he, in desperation, were to act out. 

Please call the suicide helpline today, don't wait to get help. What you have shared with us tells me yur family situation is escalating and intervention is needed to cool things down so you can begin to heal one step at a time, eventually together.   Please make those calls now.  

Love Ginger

Colt45

@ my2boys:

There's a thread called 'Open Letter'...



It was written FOR you without me even knowing.



I will bump it so it's easier to find.



Read it.

Joan811

my2boys,
I am also on Long Island.  The sisters here are real, and caring, and here 24/7. 
I am glad you were able to talk to a friend.  Verbalizing is so important.  It helps to sort out the thoughts.  Writing is good too. Once on paper (or computer), the feeling is there if you need it; but can clear some of the confusion out of the mind.
I hope you will check back...there are so many responses and each is different. 
The common thread, however, is that you deserve love and respect for better or for worse. 
I think you might not realize how much you are already helping others to validate their fears and frustrations.
Hugs and prayers go your way today...
Please feel free to contact me any time.
Joan

farmerlucy

As someone who lost their mom to bc at 5. I tell you that you being there is not stealing their childhood. Teenagers are teenagers. He doesn't mean it. He loves you with all his heart and just doesn't know how to express himself. My heart goes out to you. I too had similar thoughts early in my journey. My counselor set me straight. I decided no matter what I could not leave that legacy for my children. And they are 23 and 29.

Jomama2

When you are feeling less fragile, and, hopefully have built a network of support, I would suggest you pick up a copy of Patrick Ness's beautifully written, and emotionally powerful book "When a Monster Calls".  The story is about a young boy whose mother is undergoing a second round of treatments for breast cancer.  It does not pull any punches, but could be an invitation to some very deep conversations between you and your son...about many things.  Read it first to see what you think.  Your local library may have a copy.  (I am a high school librarian and read it one in-service day.   I was glad no one else was there, because I started crying on page 30..) The idea for the book came from another brilliant young adult author, Siobahn Dowd, who died of breast cancer at a young age.  It blends celtic mythology of The Green Man with dream symbology in a way that invites the reader to think, and to express many conflicting feelings.  That being said, your husband was way out of line and very cruel.  You do not deserve to be treated that way.  You have a lot of cyber-friends here.  Feel free to vent at any time. Please take care of yourself and hug that prickly teen, he needs it even if he won't show it.

chrissyb

Just checking in to see how you are feeling today. I hope you had a chance to speak to some form of councillor in order to get some help in fighting your way out of the pit.



Love n hugs.n. Chrissy

ButterflyLady

Your children need you more than you know.  Teenagers are usually very selfish and self-absorbed.  It's just being a teenager.  They are not sure where they fit in.  They are no longer a child but not yet an adult.  Your husband sounds like he is still being a teenager.  He needs counseling also.  He has no idea the harm he is doing.  I do hope he didin't say any of these hurtful things in front of the children.  Taking your own life, would do more harm than good to your children.  Reaching out and getting help is the best thing you can do, not only for yourself but for your children as well.  I don't know if you are religious or not, but I always turn to God and to the Bible.  I seem to always find words of comfort there.  You did not ask for this cancer and yes it sucks, but it is what it is.  Not only you, but your family needs to learn how to cope with it.  Family counseling would probably be a good thing also.  I will be keeping you in my prayers, hon.

1openheart

My2boys....how are you?  You have been on my heart since I read your first post.  I hope and pray that you are feeling more centered and more at ease.  Please post when you are able and tell us all how you are doing.  Take care.

Moderators

Just so you know, we did email her to check on her. We have not yet heard back, and she hasn't posted here. We'll keep you up to date if we hear something. 

Hugs, 

The Mods

Anonymous

Thank you, Moderators.

My2boys, you are dealing with a devastatingly difficult disease, you DESERVE all the love, nuturing and SUPPORT you can find.

1-800-273-8255. again, in an emergency, this is the HOT LINE for help.  Please come back and let us all know how you are doing, and what more we can do to help.

YOU ARE NOT ALONE.  You didn't choose to have this hideous disease, and please don't let anyone, no matter who they are, ever even try to make you feel guilty because you have breast cancer. 

All the other things Athena said, too.