Almost said "You'll be sorry when I'm gone" to my kids.

I think about those words every day! Thank God that our kids are coping with our illness well enough to still drive us crazy!! Hugs...

One love, Jackie

Hi Peacock,

I think we have good days and bad days. There is always that metaphorical "elephant in the room" once you have had cancer. Somedays he inflates up so large. For me this happens especially when I walk into my doctors surgery for something minor like a sprained muscle and the doctor says "oh, I see you have an elephant with you, I'm going to have to take that elephant very seriously" and I end up being sent for scans for possible blood clots because it could be a side effect of the hormone therapy. All I had was a sprained muscle. Other days the elephant is pretty small, something like a child's toy in the corner of the room. The thing is you can never completely get rid of the elephant. You can put it in a picture frame and pay a lot of attention to it or you can try to neglect it, but it is hard trying to figure out day-to-day where to put it. Don't feel guilty about it. It's real. You got cancer. There is always a chance it could come back. You hope to God it won't. In the mean time you carry on taking out the trash and doing the laundry. Life goes on. ;-) Please do know that I sympathise and understand. I have children too. (16 and 7). In truth I have had a bad case of "elephantitis" this month. On March 5, my lovely, funny and yes sometimes drive-ya-crazy mother-in-law died after a 2 year struggle with colon cancer. She was 73. We are heartbroken that she could not have been spared to us longer, but she had had a very hard time of it these last two years and had become so very tired and ill, she had to let go of this life. She lived in South FL, and was buried in her home state NC yesterday. (I'm Irish but my husband is from NC.) I had only just about got over walking around the house crying about my mother-in-law when I got the truly appalling news that a friend of mine, 4.5 years out from her mastectomy and lymph node removal has had a recurrence, very bad, stage 4. I'm 45. She is 39. She has 4 daughters, all still children. So woosh, up goes that elephant. I can't give you an easy answer for how to deal with it. There is none. But I do think positive thinking, staying around positive people and being kinder to oneself all help. I know since my diagnosis I have got SO much better at accepting offers of help and kindness, and at saying NO to the things I don't want to do. We none of us know how much time we have, even those who have never had an illness, maybe there are some positive strengths in being more aware of our mortality, as well as the difficulties that it causes. Much Love to you and yours. XX

I agree with Kathleen, we are in kind of a weird stage, not early not terminal.  For me I had to come to terms with my mortality.  I don't like it, I try not to think about it, but I had to accept it was a possiblility one that I only had so much control over.  When I have my bad days I literally tell myself to put on your big girl panties and put one foot in front of the other.   I feel like it maybe it wasn't an insult to your kids but a fear that you are still dealing with.  Just because the posibility of progression is there doesn't mean that that person will be you.   You are still "young" in this journey, like anything greiving and adjusting takes time.  Sorry if this is confusing, but I hope things get better for you, BIG HUGS.  From some things I have read on hear, your kids are in a hard age to be walking this path with you.  I have a toddler and though it was hard to watch his life change they are probably a little more resiliant.  Everything about your situation in tricky but I soo hope it gets better.