how do you look at yourself after mastectomy ?

THank you Brent - I live in a town with a tight knit expat community in a country that is not my own and have seen how they have reacrted to other people who have had cancer - those people become "that´s the woman/man with cancer you know" said in a whispèred tone......and I don´t want to be defined like that!  I also want to be treated the same and not have to talk to people about cancer or being brave (exactly what I do not feel!) or being the subject of gossip but I do know what you mean - for me I hate being like this lop sided and forced to use a prosthetic to look normal I call myself Cyclops in my head and I hate it......

Tim - I have been there.

I too thought about driving the car off the road or into a tree or something like that, but was too afraid that it wouldn't do the trick.  I might survive in worse condition.

God forbid.

Or maybe I could drown myself in the farm pond, or hang myself from the barn rafters.

And speaking of God, you absolutely positively do not offend me with your stream of consciousness. I have been there.

I spoke earlier that I felt abandoned by God. But looking back I cannot tell you how many times the perfect person was put in front of me when I needed them most. Like the PT who goes to my church and had a MX 5 years ago. Or the lady who was in my prayer group years ago who I had not seen in years, literally ran into me in the atrium two days after the fateful call, and consoled me, and said with the wisdom of her seven decades "everyone has something". She brought me a lovely book of daily devotionals on Psalm Sunday and invited me to her Thursday bible study. At said bible study I saw another dear friend from years past, we taught the kindergarten sunday school class together for about five years. I literally had not talked to her since her son was born, and he is driving now. (We have a really big church.) A day or so later she stopped by my house with a prayer shawl, and the story of her 40 something sister who had stage 2 BC about ten years ago, and is thriving now. How about the Stephen Minister who just so happened to be the Cancer Social Worker for the large nearby teaching hospital. Now there's an angel for you.

When I crashed for the second time in late July we were on vacation in Co. I'm telling you, I was ready to be put in the funny farm. My husband took charge and called our PCP to see if they could get me in as soon as I got home. The PCP Doctor X was booked, but I could see the Nurse Practitioner on Friday. Ok. My husband also called my BS who has been our A #1 Go-To-Guy for everything since the beginning, to ask where they should take me - Mayo's or elsewhere. He knows my PCP and said "I know Doctor X and he can do this." When he hung up the phone just a couple minutes later Dr X's office called and said he wanted to see me Friday instead of the NP.  And no, it is not what you're thinking. . . based on later discussion with the BS I don't think the BS called Doctor X that day.

I know this is long and confusing but I am getting to the good part . .  .

That Sunday we went to church. I was still a shaking, weeping mess. It was communion Sunday. As I went to the altar, who was there to serve me the wine but the PT (SEE ABOVE), who also was serving communion - my 70 something prayer group friend (SEE ABOVE), when I looked to the left who was seated and smiling at me, my Stephen Minister (SEE ABOVE). That alone shook me to the core, so after I had taken my turn at the altar I raced to the bathroom to compose myself. One stall was occupied, so I went in the other one, waiting for that other person to leave. No such luck, as the person in the other stall exited the stall another person entered the restroom. They started talking. I was dumbstruck to recognize the voice of our Care Ministries Coordinator (the lady who arranged my Stephen Minister), and the voice of my dear co-Sunday school teacher (SEE ABOVE). I swear on The Bible - this all happened in the span of ten minutes. All I could do was look towards the heavens, smile through my tears, shrug, and think "Ok God, I get it. I get it."

Signs are everywhere.

It is all about faith. If we knew for sure there would be no point in faith. I like to think that I was a little like Job last year. You might want to take a look at his struggle again. Of course, it turns out great in the end. Job is better than ever.

I also like to think of last year's trial as a refining fire. Talk about being stripped to the core, mentally and physically. That was me.

Early on I had what I like to think of as "tumor envy". If only it had been DCIS instead of IDC. If only it had been 1 cm instead of 1.1 cm. That would have put me in a whole other statistical class!

Now I realize that maybe it was what it was for a reason. DCIS might have been easier, perhaps more of a guarantee of survival.  Smaller might have been easier. . .

Now I think it is a good thing that my prognosis is shall we say "open ended"? It makes me appreciate my life and my family and the little things much more than a guarantee would. In a weird, twisted way I am very grateful for the blessing of BC.

It is too early for you to have a very good perspective yet. But that will come. Just give it time. I promise. For someone as bright as you, you can't help but learn so much from this struggle. I promise that too.

In the mean time get some good meds, and talk to someone. It really does help. If you would like me to find a Stephen Minister Program, just PM me and tell me your ZIP Code. A Stephen Minister does not preach, they are not formally trained, they just listen. You meet with them once a week for about an hour. If you'd rather not that is just fine too.

Ok, one more plagarism from Guiliana. Right now you cannot imagine NOT thinking about BC every waking moment. Believe it or not, that is gonna happen, and it will take as long as it takes!

Hang in there my cyber friend.