The Hermit Club

curveball, isn't an open book!

Hi ladies:

Curveball- I think you are honoring your needs as an introvert, and as a cancer patient. I am an extrovert, but very private when it comes to certain things (especially health issues). I get totally depleted by managing other people's feelings about my situation, dealing with too many questions (that I often don't have the answers for), hearing unsolicited advice, and the worst of all, hearing about other people who are dying from cancer. Often people are well meaning, but there are some out there that are not thinking through what they are saying and whether it might be helpful to you.

It has taken me a good six months to figure out who can be present with what is going on my way. I have taken some of my conversations "up a level" with a few folks to just let them know I am getting through what I need to do, and taking good care of myself. I just made an adjustment to what I am willing to share very recently after something that happened that made me realize, I am beholden to no one. 

We are all here on this thread as Hermits who need some level of keeping to ourselves to be able to get through what we need to do to get well, and with the support of other women doing the same. You keep honoring your needs and like Bobo says, you are just not willing to be an open book!

Wishing you all a good day!

Hi all, know I sort of dropped off for a few days.  Had to move my oldest, who had been living at home while on a work placement, to a town in the north.  1000 mile round trip.  Kind of exhausted ... don't find driving for 8 hours at a time so easy anymore.  House quiet this morning ... all my babies are away at university.

Jazzy, glad you are done ... remember to take it easy ... rads continue to work on your body for a couple of weeks post treatment.

Curvy ... yep ... come from a large family and I still get so tired of all the questions, except from a few people who are more than casually interested.  No real answers at this point. Done, but not done.  Still dealing will SEs and as for the other treatment .. well its has/is working or not ... but how do be know ... when we die of something else?  People don't really get it.  They think we are dying of cancer or we are cured ... don't understand all the grey in between.  I hope you have a least one person who gets it and can support you.

Cami ... hope new week finds you well.

Curveball I think we are all on the same thouht on this...I'l talk like crazy but not about cancer unless it's my very close people around me--but like was said who the hell know that much about what we go thru, unless u;ve been thru it and srill we all go thru it differently--different chemo, meds-rads so we just pray our Drs. know what they're doing cuz we really have no control once eerything is in place and planned. See what gets me when other people have given me so much GOOD advice on what to do--they know as much as I do about this but someone's sister best friend's cousins stepsister had all this done and they died right away. Don't want to hear all that. but they seem to think they are on a research team. So that's why we all tend to keep alot to ourselves. Here I don't cuz we get it, but outside of this computer I'm fine and thst's it. After all which i have heard it's been a few years now soI should be fine. OK, then I'm just dramatic. that's all. LOL

And Jazzy u know this stays in u'r body so just let u'r body guide u in how much u do.

Jazzy I knew u'd be tired so rest up---but I want to hear the other things too cuz the first one was so true. The first woman who gave me advice told me not to listen to the drx and just do what I thought I shoul or want to do. (she had cancer) like she did.  well she died so it lwft me very confused, she was about my age too. but I want to hear all of them.

Me too Congratulations Jazzy!



Hi and hugs everyone!

Good morning ladies! Another day begins.

#2-You may be the one comforting friends and family. The woman in section said "alot of the time, I was the one doing the reassurring. I wanted people to understand the gravity of the situation, but to also see the bright side."

The article then says most people who have not been on either side of cancer simply do not know how to help. This calls for a clear communication of needs. Call me if you need something from others does just not cut it. It does not add up to bringing over a meal, running an errand for you, etc.

I like what this section had to say. We don't need to spend our time making other people understand this. We just need to say "hey, can you give me a ride, come visit, get me out for lunch?" I have friends that are great with just offering things up that do help. Sometimes I am not sure what I want or need help with too, and let folks know that sort of opens up another conversation of ideas of how they can help. I find asking for help difficult, always have, but bc is teaching me I need to be okay with asking as many really do want to find a way to help you.

Heading in to the client site for awhile, and leaving to come home early today. Taking care of Jazzy.

del

Welcome CC! I love your signature line about the trade offs. I hope you feel comfortable here with us. Nice group of women and we all try to be present with one another, good days and not so good days.

I like your comment about tapping into the people who have either gone through cancer or helped someone through it. I guess it is like everything else in life, the people who really get it have been there before. 

How to open the social gates, good question! I do think people are fearful of the whole thing. I am a planner/organizer so everyone always expects me to initiate things no matter what. Today someone mentioned in passing about a get together after work next wed for birthday stuff (his and mine). I said "can I come?" and his response was "I hoped you might like to." This friend does not know I have bc, but does know I have had some health issues so he treads lightly. Sometimes good to just say "hey, I am going for coffee at such and such time, this place" and then see who shows up. 

Good to have you here with us!

Cami- thanks for your continued insightful comments. 

Bobo, Markat, Skittle, Curveball, Teka, Fl Warrior, Jinkala, Shambles and everyone else, hope you are doing well.

When I was going through chemo, a few people at work remarked about what a good attitude I had.  My usual response was that they are only seeing me during my good days and not the bad ones. Heheh

I don't feel like I am comforting people but I do try to only give as much info as they seem able to handle.  When I'm visiting with family, I only talk about the health stuff if they ask me about it.  I try to balance the seriousness of what I'm dealing with with the fact that I have a good prognosis and doing well.  While there are a lot of bumps and hassles to deal with, staying focused on the big picture and long term seems to help me keep a calm attitude - which in turn seems to keep those around me from worrying too much.

Jazzy... glad to hear your shared insights.  So true.  

Feeling beyond hermity lately.

DH has colonoscopy tomorrow, so tonight will not be fun. 

Hugs to all. 

del

FL I'm loling at u---cuz if u remember or people remind u of when all this started it is funny cuz most don't know a thing and say the goffiest things that we can all laugh about now or someone will remind us how silly it was.

Good morning ladies- happy hump day!

#3- You will envy others. The woman in the article says "I am jealous of women who don't have to go through chemo." Or "I am jealous of people who don't have to think twice about doing something fun with their kids." 

What to Do: Don't compare yourselves to others. Focus instead on what you can do to meet your emotional needs.  Remind yourself you will be able to return to more normal activities with time. 

I had a good friend of mine (who is also a physician) that was helping me with some of my surgeries last year say this very thing to me. You are going to look at other people going on with their lives, and feel upset, left out, jealous that your life is now about cancer treatment and other things go on hold. That was so helpful to have someone say to me right from the get go, because when some of those times did follow when I had people sharing their stories of celebration, fun outings, vacations, I did feel envious. 

I have had the flip side of this too where some people think I am supposed to be doing all the same things I normally do during cancer treatment. I have had to tell them very bluntly some times that I am just trying to survive all this, get through what I need to do, and some of those things I really want to be doing just have to wait awhile. The article is right too, things do come back to normal with time (or the new normal as I call it). I have also really learned to value the simple joys of life.

Getting ready to head into my client site. Will send the fourth and final point from the article tomorrow. Hope you find these helpful. BTW, it is from a free publication called Living with Cancer from Health Monitor. You may see it around at your doctors office or treatment centers yourself. 

Wishing you all a good day!

I definitely was jealous of people who could just run around without a care in the world. People who didn't have to worry about pain,fatigue and nausea. Heck,I'm still jealous!



And of course all those people who know people that have breezed through treatments without any difficult side effects make those of us who don't, look like weak minions. "Joe had prostate cancer and he worked the entire time!" My answer was,"Geeze I bet Joe needed those benefits to get through treatments. Poor Joe, bet he was tired!" Some are so much better at putting up a strong front. I have no poker face.



Also, people who don't understand than any cancer changes your life, no matter the type or stage. Some people turn into advocates,raising money and running 5ks. Others hide at home waiting for the bloat to go away, the hair to grow back, the mood swings and fatigue to disappear, and the memories to fade. Maybe I'm just projecting my own experiences, but they are the only ones that I know



Hope all are doing well! We have a snow day! I don't get paid, but we are having fun. Stupid boss and State will be in tomorrow and Friday to monitor the new program...joy!



Skittle, I thought about you yesterday at school. The teachers caught some 6th graders drinking alcohol out of their backpacks and someone cried bomb threat. The cops came and arrested 3 6th graders. I'm sure the staff is thrilled with a day off,lol!