Playing the hand we were dealt!!!

To all my sisters..........pure,  sharon , both sharons,  Jennyyboog, Diana50, celetic, ect.......So many sisters I would love to name you all...............But my Chemo brain is not that sharp!!! Here I go...........I read your post pure, I can assure you 100% you are having panic attacks!!!!  Classic symptoms and rightfully so>>>>>>>>> Dear God, you have been through so much, we all have........This deck of cards we have been dealt........Well,  it sucks!!!  alot!!  With that being said,     I will say this.........In sept 2009,  laying on a cold ultra sound table thinking I had a cyst,  my 4 year old and 8 year old wait at home with grandma and grandpa.........Just waiting to be picked up and go home to life as we new it.......but..........That would never happen............Instead,   a doctor came in and told me she was doing a biopsy for cancer,     things looked really bad.........she could even see that it had traveled..............As my husband of 20 years sat in the waiting room ready to take me to a celebration lunch .........   He was called back to be told I needed a biopsy for cancer.................. You know,    I remember that moment like it was yesterday........The world stopped........I mean cold in its tracks!!!

This feeling we have is a numbing,  leave your body feeling..........we are looking down as we hear the jumbled words .......   The breast surgeon we will go to,  and  of course that inevitable  call we will get in 2 days to confirm this nightmare that has just happened in a matter of maybe an hour is really true..............In 1 hour Our lives were changed forever................the call comes to confirm this by a doctor that must be covered in ice.........coldest man that has ever been on the other end of the phone.....You have cancer..........No shit sherlock!!!!!  Whats the good news ????   I ask this warm careing,   ass of a man..........Well you better pray it has not traveled!!!!  He says......Great.....Thank you so very much...........Fear ......like a  massive wave crushed ever part of me.........everything in my life that had happen prior to this moment,  other then my husband and children was a blurr...........Thats the most unfair moment of this  journey!!!!!!    I  was in my bedroom paralyzed with fear!!   I have 2 small kids and I have cancer...........Being  The good Catholic girl  that I am,  I screamed to God.........are you F....ing kidding me!!!   I tried for  11 years to have my kids and now you are going to take me from them!!!!  The most helpless moment of a cancer patients life!!  So then our journey begins ...........Doctors, surguries,  Ohhhh, have them both off or just one ? Recon , No recon....Chemo no choice there.... before  or after,  or both...Rads or no Rads.........Hormone theropy or herceptin,  and the story goes...........Our armor is well fitted and we fight ,  we fight like hell..........cause this beast will not take us down!!   Not on our watch!!!!  We do it,  and we survive the war,  a long painful war...lots of scars and balding heads ,  weight gain,  or loss.........our souls being challenged ,  why GOD,  why now, why ever..........as our treatment ends we have a scence of relief, like a calm after a storm........  its going to be ok feeling.......... and.......For awhile its just that ,    trying to put the pieces of our life back together...........go back to work,  or stay home with the kids....Lets run for the cure!!!!!  Where pink hats that say surviovor on them......written in diamonds,  a hat that was sent to you by a friend........They thought it would make a statement and it was pretty.........Not their fault,  how could they ever understand,  and why would you want them too......... Kale,  spiniach,  vit D3, vit C........excersise...... we do anything and everything we can do so we will live!!!!!!!!!

Well........The pink hats slowley melt way into the back of the closet.......kale is still around,  just not in massive doeses,  and well we do the best we can to exercise,,,,,,,,,right?  In between going back to what people expect you to be.......They expect you to be ok,  in remission, or cured!!!!  Grateful.......... ohhh how I love that one.......You are so blessed to be alive....Yes , I am,   I am sooooooooooo grateful and I will never complain again!!

There is no room to complain you have made it through the storm,   now get on with your life damn it!!!!  So thats what we do........we get on,     the best we can.....However,   no doctor will tell you that when your treatment ends, that is truley when your journey begins!!!!    I know my sisters who have been through the storm and made it to the other side understand what I am getting at here........It is my hope that  the Newley dx will understand that I am not being negative,  I am speaking the truth.........Now I love God with all my heart , and I do believe he will give us the peace and the strength that passes all understanding.........I know this  because he did.......I am going on my fourth year since my locally advanced stage IIIC dx.........and have I been threw a few scans sistahs!!!!!  I would like to touch on what I like to call the poker face..................in this deck of cards we have been dealt,  we all get really good at poker.......The I am doing greats!!!  and I have never felt better in my life!!!!! Cancer has changed me for the better!!! and my favolrite.......I am so grateful.........and its all true..........But,  thats not how we feel, we feel scared, alone,  sometimes ugly,  and when we look at our babies,  we cry...............and then there are the days when we feel really increadable, like a true warrior...........and those days are so wonderful.........but,  and this is the reality, being dx with a life threatining disease is like being sent to a deserted Island...........You truley have to dig deep,  and I mean real deep.........Pray like Jesus is coming back tommorow!!!!!  Love like you have never loved before.......trust that you have been dealt this hand and will use it to  help another women in need.  or thousends of women!!! Who know!!! I am living ever day,  one single day at a time.........I tell myself in the morning move your legs girl..........wake those kids up... you are here...and you are not being punished,  you have done not one thing to deserve this,  this is not your fault,,,,,,,,,But, it is the hand you were dealt and you will get up and place your bet..............and by the grace of God you will win!!!!!!!!    We can't change it ,  it happened, I take my pills, don't ever be ashamed to get some help ever!!!!! You do what you have to do!! Hey life is hard without BC,  lets face it.....all the crazy BS we dealt with before are dx is still there waiting for us when were done...........That my friends is called life........and life as we know it got a lot more challeging,,,,,,,,,super understatement.....I am not a pestimistic person,   actually,   I have always been really carefree,  maybe to carefree at times...........I miss that feeling,  like anyting is possible,  the world is ours.........endless time and possibilties..................that is what cancer tries to take from us........Yesterday is gone, we can't do a damn thing about it, let yesterday go.........tomorrow, well who knows what will happen, nobody does, don't waikst time trying  to predict that one............huge waste of time..........But, today, yes today we can control...........we can control how we will react to a new ache or pain, we can control how we treat the people  in our life, and we have the power for that day, with the help of God to live our life!!!!! Today, thats all we have to do is today.........I  t that is possible..........I think if we stay in today, thats how we get through this........Some days I feel 80......I was 41 when I was dx..............I am 44 now........I have had some scares along the way........and I am sure I will have more.........But, I can choose to play this hand..........play it well, skillfully.........learn the game and most importantly my beautiful sisters, stay in it!!!!!   The cards were shitty....yes, no doubt.....however,   if played well we will walk away

winning!!!!!!!!!   I love you all so much,   be good to yourself, always .........I lift each and every one of you up in prayer everyday...........You are amazing beautiful warriors............and its ok to be scared,  in fact its a normal feeling....I have not completely lost my mind yet.......or maybe I have ......either way I do what I have to do.........what is my point...........lets all live for that ROYAL FLUSH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! XOXOXOXOX

Steph.......................