Living with mentally ill dh - can't take it anymore

clariceak · January 2013

My husband suffers from depression and I'm sure, other undiagnosed ailments. He has an anger problem, and while he has never hit me, he does make our life miserable. Last weekend he raged for 24 hours. Throwing things around, swearing, and behaving like a crazy person. The look is his eyes during these episodes lets me know he is unreachable.

So, he finally calmed down and apologized and this weekend and I could tell he was in another bad mood. I asked him if he wanted us (my girls are 14 and 11) to leave him alone. He said he couldn't talk about it and instead presented me with a long list of things that were bothering him. Primarily, it was things around the house, kids not doing enough chores etc.

I know that he has a mental illness and I'm supposed to feel compassionate, but it's difficult. I'm worn down from dealing with my own disease, his lack of support and the constant dark cloud that hangs over us. He is seeking professional help, but it seems to have little effect. I have to constantly listen to how miserable he feels, how isolated, yet he doesn't even begin to acknowledge or understand that his behavior drives people away.

I was seriously considering divorce prior to my dx. If I had allowed my onc to state my prognosis, I'm sure that it would have been clear that my chances of surviving this is slim. I would love to hear from someone else who feels trapped because of bc.

Ikari · January 2013

I can relate - my husband has I believe undiagnosed Borderline PD. On diagnosis I asked him to leave as I did not want to be dealing with his issues on top of mine. He refused to leave and said he would be there for me and not cause any issues - he wanted to support me.

Fast forward to today - I am slowly sinking into depression. He thinks he is perfect - does no wrong - and thinks he is the most wonderful husband on the planet. I am unable to address ANYTHING with him that has to do with him.

It is living with someone that is in complete denial of reality - it is twisted and distorted to fit his view of the world. Im am expected to believe and support this. I have co-dependent tendencies and due to the way I was raised have a tendency to "go along". Basically I have allowed my abuse.

The severity of my BC varies in his mind depending on the circumstance - if HE wants attention from others it is severe (the doting husband looking after a sick wife) however if I want attention "You have no idea how long youre going to live so you shouldnt act like your going to die" (to shut me up). Basically everything revolves around or is in relation to him only.

He has been to several therapists but the only thing he takes from the therapist is the validation - he distorts the therapists validation to such an extent that he feels justified in everything he has done, is doing or will do. Ádding to this, to the outside world he is the nicest most caring down to earth person you could meet - Í am seen as the miserable b*tch who does not appreciate what a wonderful person I am married to.

I could go on but enough of my rant. I feel like I am stuck and have limited choices now. I kick myself for not making heathier choices when I was healthy. He has always been like this and I now feel I have dug a huge hole for myself and he is standing there with his hand on my back.

clariceak · January 2013

Shikari - You may have the strength to deal with him when your active treatment is done. I see that you are probably on taxotere now with rads to follow. I'm also Stage III and following treatment I became much tougher and more outspoken. I was trained to be co-dependent as a child and it's hard to break those patterns, but I was determined to show my daughters how to stand up to unacceptable behavior. When mortality is staring you in the face, sometimes it makes you realize you don't want to spend your remaining years in a toxic situation.

I do see that the severity of his mental illness is increasing with age. I see my future whenever I visit my mother-in-law who is obsessed with sterilizing the bathroom at 2:00 am.

I'm a calm, rational person and I just can't cope with the distorted thinking. He expects me to understand, but how can I? In rare moments of understanding, he may acknowledge that he has hurt his family and is continuing to do so, but then says that if he thinks about it too much it will make him suicidal.

From what I understand, borderline personalities are the hardest to treat professionally. My husband shows elements of borderline personality and once had a full on manic episode when given the wrong antidepressants.

I'm worn out from his mood swings, the late night cleaning sessions. Since cancer, I just don't have the same energy.

You need to try and put yourself first. Do you have other support?

hopefour · January 2013

My heart breaks to read your stories. My oldest daughter was in a marraige that reflects some of the things you share and in ways differnet. She has her masters and is in the medical field but there was a darkness that she kept secert for many reasons; shame, fear and the belief that it was her fault. Her husband was abusive...it breaks my heart to even share now, but the sweet ending is she is remarried and just had a baby! She is writting a book and has been asked to be on a board for Domestic Violence...it took 22 months of couseling and lots of love to heal her.

I hope I don't offend by sharing her story or in anyway lessen your pain. Her Ex would rage to gain control, keep her focused on his emotions, needs and desires and to create fear. He'd create a reality that was "crazy" and demand that she accept it. He had total control of all accounts and so on, leaving her always asking for info...again it was all about control. He went to therapists only to create a reality of who he was that was not true and used the therapist to justify himself to her. To the outside world he was charming and very good looking...he was a pastor! When he raged he would deflect this behavior on her by saying he would never behave this way it was becasue of her....she started to beleive this and was always trying to live perfect so the rage would not start again. I really could go on and on...in the end he emptied all accounts, filed for divorce and thankfully she healed. Through the divorce we were finally able to see the accounts and found he had an account to pay for porn, credit cards to pay for hotels and bars and so so much more. To look at him you'd never believe it.

My daughter felt so very alone, overwhelmed and feared no one would ever believe his behavior toward her...in the end all was shown. I am so sorry you are living your stressful situations as well as BC. Again, I hope I didn't offend, but so hurt for you both and wanted you not to feel alone.

Ikari · January 2013

clariceak - I start taxotere on the 22nd - three weekly x 4. Ive become a lot tougher during AC in the sense I can no longer play along with the distorted realities and supply sympathy for his persecution complex - someone posted on another forum that BPD play the victim better than authentic victims. I have zero family support as I have gone No Contact with my FOO (BPD mother and Narcissistic father) and DHs family wont have anything to do with me due to his distortion campaigns (with the exception of his kids who know the truth).

hopefour - thankyou for your response - it does help me feel slightly less "stupid" when I hear of other smart women's accounts falling for these manipulative, emotional tactics that make you doubt yourself and reality. Your daughter must feel very lucky to have a mother like you who can understand and so succinctly recount and understand her story.

As I realise I cannot change him I have to change me - this will be an interesting work in progess

xx

liv- · January 2013

clariceak so sorry that you are suffering.

ive got to rush as im running late so will make it short..

i would say divorce or separate from him asap especially if your not in love with the man anymore, time is all we have, its precious...imo if you still loved him you probably would not have these thoughts.

you dont need abuse and you have already given up much for your dh.

its not that you dont care for him, life is hard and theres no dress rehersal unless your into reincarnation, this is it.

dont worry what anyone thinks or what a book says you should do, its your life and you have enough to deal with, cancer thrives on stress.

do it, get divorced or separate and try and have some peace, joy & quality of life for yourself..

the mental health system will be there for your husband especially if your not.

((hugs))

xx

clariceak · January 2013

Shikari - Thank you for your response. I had the assumption that borderline personality was most common in women, and after doing so more research, I see that it actually fits with husband's behavior. The need for control, fear of abandonment, and the constant playing the victim. I can see how his mother's mental illness and father's rigidity may have had a profound effect on a sensitive little boy. I also see how my own mother's behavior - suicide threats, lack of affection, rages, - may have made me attracted to this type of personality.

Intellectually, I understand that the one way to calm the BP down is to respond with love and empathy. I feel like I've invested so much energy into protecting my daughters and trying to move through bc that I just don't have the emotional resources to go down that path.

hopefour- thank you for sharing your daughter's story. I'm glad she was able to leave her abuser and move on with her life.

Living with mentally ill dh - can't take it anymore

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