Boyfriend break up after mastectomy
My boyfriend and I were together for over 9 years. In July I was diagnosed with invasive breast cancer and had a bilateral mastectomy. In Septeber I had a hysterectomy because my breast cancer was highly er and pr positive. I am still in the reconstruction phase. My boyfriend has been so supportive and we were thrilled when we found out they got all the cancer and I didn't need chemo. Today, he shocked me by breaking up with me. I feel so sad and alone. Does anyone have any advise on recovering from such a blow? I can't fully describe how awful this makes me feel. Any comments would be greatly appreciated.
Comments
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(((Hugs))).
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concentrate on your recovery reach out to family and friends
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There are many people like that around. Dont feel alone bec you are not. This disease makes us aware who are really those that are here for us and who arent. You are better off without false friends. Hugs.
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I agree with bcbarbie10. You are not alone and having this disease (even having biopsies w/o positive diagnosis) does bring out and show who is there for you and who isn't, whether it be some friends or even family. We are here for you and glad you found us.
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Thank you all for your support. He was the love of my life. It's so hard to think about starting over, especially after everything I've just been through with the cancer. I really appreciate all of your words of support.
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((Hugs))...so sorry to hear that!. ...... Be strong and you will find that u are stronger than u give urself credit for.
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You are better than he is. What he did is very shallow. You are beatiful no matter what. Be strong and take care of you. This is round 2 for me with breast cancer and each time I have had to weed my garden of negative people, friends who really weren't friends, some family members and yes, dumb boyfriends. Mine wouldn't even take me to chemo. He said I was a big girl and didn't need a babysitter. Asshole. My friend came with me each time and after we always did some sort of retail therapy. We had fun. What is strange is she is my ex-husbands wife and we have become great friends through all of this. You might have to weed your garden, but it will give you room for some real flowers to grow. A true test of love is if your partner in life stays by your side when you are sick. I am sorry for your sorrow.
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My husband of 14 years called me up - told me his company relocated him back to our home state, he met some one else and wanted a divorce and it was in the middle of my reconstruction too. I know how you feel. First, allow yourself to feel what you need to feel. It's okay to not be "okay". Every one wants you to be okay and you may find yourself telling them your okay when you are not.
My doctor gave me Viibryd - it's the newest anti-depressant and it works with 3 to 5 days, no weight gain and no sexual side effects. It was the only thing that kept me going in the beginning.
Two of my doctor's told me to read this book. The book is the Sociopath Next Door. I was standing in the middle of Kohl's on a Sunday afternoon, crying. I was in Atlanta, by myself all my family and friends were in Florida. I had never felt so alone and isolated. That was June 10, I went home and was throwing up all night. I didn't go to work and downloaded the book to my Kindle. June 11th was the last day I cried over my husband. The book changed my life. My mom is reading it and it is changing hers too. It helps you to understand how some one that claims to love you could leave you.
I am happy to say, I had to meet with my husband on Monday evening to exchange some paperwork for the divorce and I didn't feel anything...I wasn't angry, disgusted, hurt...I felt nothing. My mom asked me how did he look and I said I didn't know I actually never even looked him in the face. I am over him and just want him out of my life.
I have turned to my friends. I have rekindled friendships, made new ones and know this is the beginning of my life.
If you want to PM me - I can give you my phone number and I will help you as much as I can. Honey I know it doesn't seem like it now, but you will survive and you will be stronger then you ever knew you were.
Hugs and tissues for your tears.
Dawn
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Wow, you ladies are awesome I am currently single and am starting to wonder how I will even consider the dating thing . Stay strong and know god only puts on you what u can handle , be beautiful you focus on your health and when you least expect it Prince Charming will come along. You want to be a priority and not a option and that good ole for better or worse , sickness and in health is words you want to live by .
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I just found out (7 months post diagnoses) that my husband has been having an affair. We've been married for almost 25 years & I’m 53 years old. I confronted him about his affair & he didn't deny it, BUT ... get this, told me that "they" (he & his girlfriend) didn't have sex until "they" knew I was clear of cancer (I had a PET scan that did not reveal any cancer (thank God) on October 30th.) The relationship began while I was going through Chemo. At the same time of my PET scan it was initially thought that I had a brain tumor ... turns out (after numerous scans) it's a neuro fibroma tumor in my sinuses. But, hey … my breast cancer didn’t show up, so they’re cleared for cheating. He said he's been wanting to leave for some time, but I'm certain that's one of the ways for him to justify his conduct. I just found out a couple days ago that the tumor in my sinuses is benign (praise the Lord), and I'm having it surgically removed this Friday. And, b/c of the multiple concerns of brain tumors, sinus tumors and other issues I had to put my continued BC treatment (the radiation therapy) on hold. So here I am 7 months post diagnoses, been through hell & back (actually I haven’t made it back yet ) w/ the AC & Taxol chemo treatments & side affects & I haven't even begun my radiation … and then this bomb is dropped on me. I feel like my heart has been ripped out of my chest & I'm so scared of what my future holds. One thing for sure ... and there's no doubt about it, there will be divorce papers drawn up in a couple of days & I just want to be rid of him. Hopefully I’ll be able to resume my BC treatment in a couple of weeks & move on. I’m going to pick up Sociopath Next Door tomorrow & hope to share the same results after reading it as you did Dawn. I surely don’t understand how someone who claimed to love me for 25 years could do this to me …. especially while still in treatment.
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Whatever real life relationships throw at you, there's always a supportive community here, ready with advice, information, and virtual hugs along the way.
For those looking forward to a healthy future relationship, there's some good basic advice in the Single Women: Finding Your Way section of the main Breastcancer.org site. Also, the Singles with Breast Cancer forum here on the discussion boards has inspiring stories, places to vent, and coping strategies.
• The Mods
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It breaks my heart to read what some of you are going through on top of bc. Just know that there will be brighter days ahead -- that you are each worthy of someone who will cherish you with or without boobs -- and that real mean don't dump girlfriends and wives when they are in the midst of bc tx. Can you imagine doing that to them???
I know it's hard to believe you will be better off without them, but it's pretty hard for me to believe you can't and will do better when you're ready. For now, please try to focus your energy on you and on healing, and remember that God doesn't close a door without opening a window, even if that seems hard to believe at the moment. (((Hugs))) Deanna
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Some men are scum. I have six older sisters and have seen a lot. My love's ex-husband sent her divorce papers out of the blue on their 25th anniversary at her workplace.
It will work out, even though it's like an ice dagger in your heart now, and you are facing such an awful situation. Love comes when you least expect it.
I loved her from afar for two decades and more. The moment I learned she was free, I changed my life to be with her, and her diagnosis doesn't matter - never one regret except the years I missed being with her.
She turned to me the other night and said "I am you are here" rather than her ex - she knows I won't run.
There is someone out there for you too lady. This is just shaking out the low-life that you don't need, and deserve far better instead.
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Thank you for words of comfort & encouragement. I still can't wrap my head around all this, but the last 7 months have made me realize that I have courage & strength & fought (and continue to fight) for my life. Had it not been for my BC, and I'd been confronted w/ the infidelity, I would have likely done everything possible to hold onto him (for sure I would be desperate & weak), and that would have been the worst possible thing for me (the non-stop stress, distrust, etc.), and that could ultimately lead to relapse & death. In essence my BC has probably saved my life & it would have been my husband … my marriage, that would have killed me. I never from the get go ever questioned God when I was diagnosed, but just accepted that my fate was in His hands. I understand now God’s purpose and I know I will someday soon be healthy, happy & finally living life to the fullest.
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I have been recently diagnosed with breast cancer..month ago..I already had a Mastectomy (both) I have 3 children, and have a boyfriend for 12 years...Here it goes, my boyfriend was good to me until the second week of surgery, from here on down hill...today will be my 2 week of surgery, he is already putting me down, calling me names, and today had me against the wall screaming at me for stupid things, so I hit him, he pushed me to the point...I am not that kind of person....He said your lazy, no good piece of junk, and tries to get my kids involed, which are not his...I have said many mean things in return due to anger, for the things he says...he keeps bringing up he works all the time, cause I cant work right now...I am recovering still..been only 2 weeks...and just stresses me out...walks around and gives me order..cook me dinner...just so sad ..he has me to the point of rage..which I should being healing with love, and no stress...cry all the time.....need some advice...never smiles, walks around like I did something wrong all the time....I am always worrying to help him....
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I know you don't what not hear it, but you should never be treated the way you described he is treating you. I was diagnosed July 2nd, with my bilateral mastectomy on July 18th, and I am still not back to work. The most important thing for you now is to concentrate on healing physically AND mentally. Can you afford to leave? I joined local breast cancer support groups which put me in touch with other women, and I go for therapy at the hospital were my oncologist is, with a therapist that deals just with cancer patients. Do you have family that could help you? You are in my prayers.
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Laura24,
Just remember that having this kind of environment is not good for people with cancer. I bet the stress played a big role with your 1st diagnosis. I remember my life was going downhill for sometimes where rage and anger were part of my daily life. I do not remember anyday I was at peace. The next thing was breast cancer. I was not even surprized when I heard the news. I was expecting cancer to come and knock on my door. You need to reduce stress to help yourself and your children.
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It just happened to me too.
I knew things were different 2 yrs ago, the first time he 'looked" at me. After a 13 yr relationship.) I cant change who he is or how people react. Now is the time for MY healing to begin, and just worry about me. However the tears are endless.Some how I don't think the tears are for him alone. I am considering it a cleansing. I am trying to stand tall. I am 52 yrs old. My last recon. surgery was last sept. 2012. geting there!! Keep strong! Long Live 
xoxox -
My live in boyfriend of three years left Monday. Or better yet was told to by me. I have had it. I can't believe how he turned on me during my recovery from bilateral mastectomy 12/12/12. First off my aunt took me to the hospital the day of surgery. He showed up before I went in. But when I came out he left. Didn't feel like it. Although he did come back an hr later & said he felt bad for leaving. I was shocked that he actually left. I woke and asked from him & was told he left.. Fresh out of surgery, groggy and angry.
The day of my release he showed up late. I waited & waited. I came on Friday & sat & sun he worked. Mon. He left me to hang out with his friend until 11pm. He worked tues & Wed. Then Thursday he went back out until 3:30 am. Oh and called at 6pm checking on me. So 9 hrs nothing. Good thing my kids r 16 & 19. My recovery was difficult I was in a lot of pain. He wasn't around & when I pointed that out he got loud. I was just like Goodbye!!!! I cried and cried & wanted to talk it out. He shrugged Now I'm over 4 months out of recovery & I miss him but F him He treated me horribly. When he was home he did shit. My oldest went to the pharmacy for my meds becuz to ask him. He bitch & moan. Now. Oh the Friday after he hung out until 3:30. I had an appt at the PS & he didn't feel like taking me. My aunt did thank God. He goes. "Urrgghh u need a ride today??! " sighed and was like I guess. He was reluctant . I said Forget it have family. That's when I knew it was over. I'm heartbroken but still in shocked. I can do bad by myself. I don't need him if he's not going to help.
He has a boatload of vacay days to take. I was so shock he didn't take a day. He's an RN!!!! Hello. But it is what it is. I'm getting used to his absence. Back to work soon to preoccupy my mind from thinking about him -
Softness
Its not a bad thing that we figure out what these assholes are all about during the tough stuff. Mine was such a goof during my chemo TX. We're in the process of selling our house we own together and have someone coming today to have a look. I asked him to take care of a particular area before they come. He has a cold poor darling and says "you have to be patient with me, I'm sick". Oh I said, like you were with me? F.U. Its very hurtfull to think that the sig other in your life really cares about no one but themselves. At least you didn't waste 16 years like I did.
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Myleftboob,
U are so right. I knew him for 12 yrs & we were best friends. So it's weird going thru this w/o calling. I've been having the worse day. I look in the mirror at my foobs and just can't stop crying. This damn cancer is trying to take everything away. My breast, my relationship, my happiness. I go in and out of these moods. Sometimes I am take charge, conquering the world. But then there are days like this. I just can't believe he would turn on me at this point.
I felt so vulnerable. There was nothing I could do but take it until I felt stronger. I had to basically beg him to get me from the hospital and he was so smug. Showed up late. It was so embarrassing. The nurses kept asking "do u have a ride?" I wouldn't treat my enemy like that if they were down. This too shall pass. -
Softness
Brutal that you had to beg him to pick you up. My soon to be ex was great throught the surgery part, he was a total rock. It was once I started chemo he became an asshole LOl! In reality that's about the time the money started running out. I'm self employed and he couldn't understand why I couldn't perform at the same level. I made too much to qualify for any kind of disability even still. And at the end of the year I still made as much as he did.. I didn't end up having to do RADS but he didn't want me to regardless so I could get back to work. I told him that I would risk losing everything if I needed to continue with that course of TX. I didn't have to thankfully.
I now have a salaried job in the same field which is great and I can work from home. So the timing of that was fantastic. I've always been the breadwinner and never cared that he earned less but boy did the tide shift when he was. Like he was lording it over me. Quite frankly I'm almost glad all of this BC shit happened to me because it's opened my eyes so wide and am so looking forward to my new life ALONE! I can concentrate on me and be selfishly single!
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My Leftboob,
I love "selfishly single". Lol. I too, was the main breadwinner. He worked a full time & pt and made less. I am on short term disability but going back to work next week (thank God). I'm getting 100% pay but he thought I wasn't and that's when he appeared to puff his chest out and get arrogant. I think he thought I needed him financially & he showed his a$$.
I'm comfortable with him being gone. I think I'm lonely & feel sorry for myself. The "why me" factor. This is why I can't wait to go back to work. Too much time to think. Lol -
It will get better especially when you get back to work.
What gets to me the most is knowing other's here and personally that have gone through BC, all spectrums and how there's spouses dealt with it. Most are so happy that their loved one is alive you know? I would have done anything for him if the tables were turned. Its just so douchey! Very few people know that we're splitting and I can tell you that the fallout is going to be huge for him from a social standing viewpoint. Not that I'll go around badmouthing him because that's not my style but people will draw their own conclusions. The same will happen to your ex, karma's a bitch as they say.
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Myleftboob,
We are in such similar situations. I hadn't bashed either and people are really squinty at what happened. A few friends & relatives are like "what do u mean he's not there anymore? Hunh? On the heels of ur dx ?" Wow!!! How can u not look at him crazy?
But as you said had this been him I would definitely have been there for him. And in knowing that, I really feel some kind of solace. Knowing I did my best with him, was his biggest cheerleader and supporter I have no guilt and that makes it easier for me to accept the end. I feel like Whoopi Goldberg when she pointed at Danny Glover on the porch in the movie "Color Purple" when she said "Until u do right by me, everything you even think about is gonna fail". Lol karma is truly a bitch & u don't treat even an enemy as badly as he treated me. I feel sorry for him in a way. Daily I'm getting stronger & feel better not communicating with him. Every time I had a "miss him moment, I thought of how he did me in the last few weeks. The rolling eyes & sighing loudly when I asked him to do something for me. Thank God my boys are 16 & 19 otherwise I would have been truly fucked!
But as it were, It happened during my oldest Xmas break from college so he could pick up meds and run my errands. God is good like that. -
Softness
We definatley have to stay in touch now so we know how eachother is getting on. BTW The Color Purple is one of my all time fav's as is that line! Sometimes I wonder if it an attention thing. With him and his family, they all have an incessant need to be the centre of attention, Mom, sister, neice, brother. I truly had some fantastic support from alot of great friends and family. Meals, rides if needed, visits, gifts. I really think it bugged him LOL! I think it bugs him more though that when he tells me that he can't wait to get rid of me that I say "ditto", no tears, no snots.
Those miss him moments will become fewer and fewer especially when you remember some of the not so nice things he said or did.
Thankfully he's on shift work so I at least get some peace for most of the day where I don't have to deal with him at all. Once this house is sold I'll feel so much better!
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Myleftboob,
We definitely must stay in touch. I can't believe how more empowered I feel with him gone. I am truly concentrating on myself. I go back to work next Wednesday and I have taken on 2 online classes. Moving forward and feeling great. I think the negative energy, that was he, is slowly being removed from my apartment. Freedom and no more explaining and arguing. "Where you been, why you didn't answer your phone" I don't have to argue over tv. I have the bed to myself. I'm really getting into your "Selfishly Single" motto.
This Friday I'm meeting my friends and going out for lunch after my Onco appt. I feel like I've been giving a new lease on life. I don't have to do Chemo or Radiation!!!!!!!!!! Just Tamoxifen for now. It's a new year, new life.. I'm so focus..
I'm so happy you have a great support team.
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That's awesome no chemo or Rads! If you can beieve it I was just chanell surfing and low and behold The Color Purple is on! That scene we were talking about! Surreal! My realtor's coming tomorrow and we're listing the house. Fingers crossed for a quick sale and the money I want.
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Myleftboob,
I spoke too soon. Because of Lymphovascular invasion my onc is pushing for 4 rounds of chemo.. Bah hum bug!!! But at least it's during the winter when I'm covered up and in the house more. By summer my implants should have fallen & fluffed & my hair situation will be improved.
Omg if I see The Color Purple now I would giggle. I hope your able to sell, get what you want and get on with you selfishly single life ASAP. Lol -
Softness
Rats on the chemo. You're pretty much where I was this time last year with that issue so I get it and since no herceptin you're hair will be a cute pixie by summer. My hair's still pretty short, kind of Halle Berryish. Now if I could just have her face and figure LOL! One more Herceptin to go and I'm hoping for some speedier growth. There's a really good thread here called Hair, Hair, Hair. Lot's of ladies have posted pics and its very encouraging, you should check it out. BTW I was totally chuckling at that scene!
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