Are BFFs or friends letting you down when you need them most?

For the most part, I was overwhelmed with the wonderful support I had from my girlfriends, and two male friends of the family. I could not have asked for better.And my husband and adult children were wonderful. So I was very lucky!

But there were surprises, the person who said, "Call me when you feel better, I don't do well with sick people". My neighbors, who we frequently visited with before bc, never visited once during my 5 months of chemo, but asked me over for tea in the winter, even though my husband had told them that I could barely make it to the kitchen or make my own breakfast.

My girlfriend is a psychologist, and tells me to harbour no guilt for not interacting with such folks again. I am polite when I see them, but I am much more picky re how I spend my time now. Most of the time, if I don't feel like it, I don't do it....

My immediate family(brothers, sisters, mom, dad(12 of them) treat me like I am cautagious or something.  I realize that people cope with things in their own way but why can't a phone call or text be done.  Now, I am not expecting anything from them b/c I will not be disappointed.  But I am the one who always was there in a family crisis(death or illness).  I feel very deserted and betrayed.  And when all this treatment is said and done, then what?  It will be all rosey-posey again.  I do try to call and leave messages(every now and then) but nothing is returned.  Frustration City here!!  I am college educated and here I am ranting like a spoiled child.  Sorry.

That totally sucks

Akcrazykat,

Your body will heal, you can grow new boobs, if you lose your hair it will just grow back. You are not a freak. Your boobs just tried to kill you.

Since its family, you may just have to call them up and tell them how you feel. My sister felt depressed about my shit. I just walked over and told her I needed her. Your family may be frozen in fear. They may not know what to say.

Some of my friends did this too me. I finally just letthem go. My kids are still friendswith there kids.

But you are going to have to deal with your family. Call them, tell them what you need

I was relieved to find this topic. I do not feel the need for pity party as I have the best support system in my husband & children. I do feel very sad for the surprising lack of communication from a couple of girlfriends I have known for years.

I guess it's time for me to realize relationships change over time & I need to put the negativity I feel behind me & move on.

Softness1 - so sorry your sister is treating you this way. Ah,family what to do with them. My husband and kids have been great to me, they have been with me every step of the way. As for my parents and good friend, not so much. After my surgery my mother took off a week from work to come and stay with me while my husband was at work, well out of the 5 days she came to my house twice and stayed for maybe 3 hours each day. One day she called and said her dog was sick and she had to take him to the vet, but come to find out she had a 3 hour lunch with her best friend. My parents have done nothing but tease me, after surgery when I couldn't shave my underarm for a month, my mother called me a hairy monkey and now they are calling me "Dolly", after Dolly Parton. I hate to tell them I am no where near "Dolly Parton", I'm just trying to get to somewhat normal and this TE is not much fun! Oh and as for my good friend who lives right across the street, I haven't spoken or seen her in over a month. Maybe I scare her?

Fredntan, not sure if I can let it go. I held her hands thru it all. Called doctors, cooked, cleaned. Helped her get around. I spent money I didn't have to get to her & uses vacay days I now need. I get 12 100% paid weeks std at work but the first week before it kicks in u have to use ur own time. I'm going to be shorted because I only had 3 days left after using 10 on her.



It's not even a regret but I feel used. I would be on the phone with her for hours when she was hoing thru the worse. Left my teen son with my bf ( who my son doesnt listsn to) he basically ran free for 2 weeks thank God he doesnt do much but football. lol.



I figured she understand cancer, my fears, my anger etc. It really hurts me because we were particularly close so I feel rejected. I feel to many times I put other people's feelings ahead of mine or gave excuses. But as I lay here 6 days after having both breasts amputated in pain & scheduling for chemo it's hard for me too once again be thoughtful of HER feelings. Sorry to sound harsh

Hi Sotfness1, unfortunately, I think that some people just aren't strong enough to deal with it. I had an issue with a close friend, who more or less dumped me when I was diagnosed. I was always the one who texted, and thought she was worth the effort. Now that I am "well" again, she has re-entered my life. She is the kind of friend ("Fair weather friend" I suppose) who can only be friendly when things are going well for me. However, she ALWAYS calls me when she has issues with her partner, and expects me to be full of good advice and support (which I try to give). She did text me when she needed to use my washing machine/dryer for a couple of weeks, and then....nothing! I texted her again last week and mentioned that our family dog (who we had had for 14 years, and she knew well) had died. Didi she text back?? NO. Seriously?? I really can't be bothered anymore. I have many other good friends who are "there" for me. I know that this doesn't compare to your sister's behaviour, or the hurt that you feel, but you get the drift. Big big hug to you xx

Gosh - it's been more than a year since my dx and BMX.....

So the long term friend who dumped me right after my BC dx has never surfaced, and I have not gone looking for her. I saw her name on my Christmas card list, and I told DH, just delete it.

In my heart, I know this is not a friendship worth saving. It's always been about HER needs, not mine. I've always known she's angry and bitter about just about everything under the sun, and I've taken more abuse from her than I care to remember. It was just time to stop the illusion of being BFFs, and her disappearing act made it possible. In the grand scheme of the universe, I lucked out!

I don't need to think about "forgiveness" or anything so noble and charitable. It sucks to be her, and I'm sorry for that, but what goes around comes around. Now she is free to find new friends to alienate.

I did have an "AHA" moment at a family Thanksgiving last month....in September 2012 it had been a year since my dx, and in December 2012, a year since my BMX.

We'd gone over to my nephew's house for dessert, and the whole extended family was there, telling me how great I looked, since they hadn't seen me in over a year.

I had a brief "What's wrong with this picture?" moment...

Then I realized that everyone there lived in town, and not ONE person had come to the hospital to sit with DH during my surgery (my sister just didn't feel up to it, and my brother thought he might be coming down with a cold); nor did anyone call, come over, make a meal, send a card, or otherwise reach out in any way.

If I had made a specific request, I know they would have come through, but these are not what you'd call real touchy-feely people. They are who they are. There if you need them, but you have to make the request first.

So in that regard, I forgive them. I didn't ask, and they didn't read my mind. They did keep us in their prayers, which turned out to be the important part!

Its unfortunately comforting to see these posts. Amazing how a good friend you thought was a bff run when its no longer about them. Like you said blessings20, time to stop the illusion!



Fredntan, you in nothern Va?

I am so thankful to have found this topic, I am going through this right now - 

fedntan - I give you so much credit for asking your friend straight up if she no longer wanted to be friends?  I have 2 "bff"s" that disappeared on my 2nd bc journey and both sent me a Happy New Year email... like... are you all better? let's do lunch!  I don't know where to go with them...from here....  

I am sitting here eating a slice of humble pie.

The friend who dropped me last year called a few days ago, and we caught up.

I wasn't angry or mean; I just listened. Turns out she was going through her own trauma - two deaths - her boyfriend and her mom - in a very short amount of time.

She said she had no excuse for not calling me. She said she knew she'd been a bad friend. She said she just didn't know where her head had been.

Someone has this quote on their siggie line here on BCO and I need to put it somewhere where I can read it every day:

Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.

Lesson learned.

I've recently had my Dad act awful to me and it's actually made me sick. Less than a year post treatments -while I'm still getting my energy back up and have no "energy cushion" if I overdo it- he offered me some personal stuff and furniture from a house up north. But in addition, he also wanted me to go up north and close down and sell and donate stuff and clean out his and Mom's summer home that they sold. They live in the south now.

So right after Thanksgiving I went up there for three weeks, came home and then went up again right after Christmas and finished. It was six weeks of hard work. I took a few pieces for myself, but the bulk of their furniture could not be sold in winter (it is a summer community) in the time frame. I did the best to defray costs. I even priced my expenses over commercial outfits that would have done the same for a price. I cleaned out all the personal stufff too. In the end I came out close, but lower than a commercial price for the job.

This was a LOT to do whiile still recovering my energy and spirit.

In response, my father hates me. He'd left behind all ten of the major gifts I'd given both to my mother as well as to both of them. He expected me to do the job, pay his expenses myself (I am still paying for cancer expenses and am actually desperately worried about that.) and make him a profit. And all my labor was free.The message: You are too poor to even serve your parents and too poor to even go get free things. A shaming, blaming message like it's my fault that this economy has been tough and then I had cancer costs, something my husband and I are still desperately trying to recoop from.

And then he dissed me entirely for Christmas. Nado,noda, zip. Wow, did I feel set up to fail no matter what in his eyes. And cancer, in his eyes, was just a bad cold: no card, no flowers, no financial help.

Kindness for others is what held me up through this past cancer ordeal.

His criticalness just crushed me. I have collapsed in exhaustion. What at first seemed like a good thing to do for my folks turned back to bite me. He's even rewritten history to suit his views. I've come home with nightmares over it and feeling very existential. Not what I needed.

I want to ask: how can someone be so mean and blaming and no thanks at all or even kindness, cancer or not?

But what I really want to ask: How do I recover myself?

Oh Blessings, Thank you so very, very much for your kind words. And for your wisdom and consul.

I learned long, long ago that my Dad (a retired MD himself) was in a lose-win relationship with me and toxic for me.

But I made this mistake of thinking I could do this especially daughter-type service for him and my Mom. And, to the best of my ability and knowledge, I did. But what I also did was to put myself back in a very old pattern of being vulnerable to his massive disapproval and criticism. And it is not something I can defend or argue because not even the opinions of industry pros (people who do this for a living or for real estate sales or estate sales, etc.) could persuade him.

I also made the mistake of thinking, because I was at 80% of my old energy levels, that I could "muscle through" and found out -hard- that I can't do that anymore. Enough is enough. When I reach my limit, going further sets me way back. I've since seen one of my doctors who says that might just be the way it remains too and armed with that information, I will know better than to take on monumental tasks in the future.

The existential angst I feel from completing this thankless task in the face of my Dad's blatant and abusive treatment of me, telling me that I was the one who was wronging him, did leave me very confused. These nightmares have been hideous. My heart started fluttering out of control towards the end. I just can't handle the stress of it, emotionally or physically.

I am sad because -of course- I wished I could have a good ending. I may never get to see my parents again and that is something hard to realize too.

Again, thank you for your kindness. There is no way I could have gotten through this time without the kindness of others. It is a deeply felt gift. Thank  you for yours.