Love of my dx'd with stage four MBC

Hello Keith,

I don't usually post in the caregivers forum but saw your post and wanted to say you will find so much info and support here. I hoping you know that both you and your wife can come over to the stage 4 forum. Caregivers often post there too to get info on what to do and how to help.

It is a devastating blow to get stage 4 from the get go. I got mine back in 2007. Was as fit and healthy as anyone else and had been told the lump in my breast was benign. That from a mammo and then follow up mammo and ooops maybe not. Still didn't think it had spread but yep mets in L3. Like your wife I had rads but not chemo. That is a choice some oncs make. Using chemo now or holding off for later after hormonals have been used. There is debate about which is "better" but as long as it works killing the cancer I don't think most of us care.

I admire you and your wife for "holding it together" but it is also very normal to be upset and fearful. Your wife may at some point crash. So might you too. Deal with it in the best ways for you. This is not something you glide though and come out the other side without a scratch. It's like riding a bucking bronco. Rough, tough and sweating hard.

Many find using a councillor very helpful, again for both of you. A place where you can talk things though without upsetting anyone else and talk about fears with someone who deals with this and has helped many others though. I used it a lot in the beginning and again when things have changed. My husband found it very helpful for him. Something to consider.

Also, many women find some type of anti-depressant and anti-anxiety drug helps them deal with scan anxiety etc. Something else to hold in the back of your mind if needed. Never think everyone else is coping therefore I am doing something wrong. Whatever works to get you though.

But I have just celebrated my 5 year cancerversay and living a very normal life and doing everything I did before so there is am lot of hope out there. 

I was 44 when this started and like your wife hadn't been in hospital since my babies were born. Know them quite well now and don"t like 'em. But there you go, that's life.

All the very best for treatment and if you haven't already do come over to stage4 they are all a great bunch of women and the occasional man.

Hi Keith,

Peg's situation sounds much like mine. I was diagnosed in Jan. 2010 with Stage IV. Back pain brought me to the ER, and emergency surgery removed a tumor at T4/T5. I went on to rads, Tamoxifen, and chemo. I was also diagnosed with a liver tumor. Things looked bleak, but I'm happy to report that today I have been NED (no evidence of disease) since Jan. 2011. I was 45 at diagnosis, otherwise very healthy, never been in the hospital. It was a huge shock to get this diagnosis... I completely understand your fear and disbelief.



It sounds like Peg is on the right path. Stick around here... there is a wealth of advice and support!



Sending you and Peg my love and best wishes...



Rose.

Keith, 

My heart goes out to you and your wife. I am 57 -- just found out I had BC last May -- I am still in early stages, but spent most of 2010 and 2011 care-taking my Dad and his esophogeal and then (new primary, very-aggressive stage 4) brain cancer -- so find I now have it myself was quite a shock. 

So I speak to you both as care-giver (for Dad) -- and (now) care-recipient. 

What I wanted to share with you is that as scary and sometimes exhausting as all this is -- I also found sharing Dad's cancer journey (and even his eventualy death) was one of the most powerfully positive experiences of my life. While neither of would have chosen it -- Cancer offered us a short-cut through the trivialities of life -- straight to the core of pure love.

You and your wife have an opening in this to grow into new, more-enlightened humans. None of us remain unchanged by this journey. If you look deep inside -- the epiphanies -- and the new appreciation for the simple joys that we all tend to take for granted (pre-cancer) -- this intensely-vibrant new way of living, where we learn to strip out the unimportant busy-work and concentrate on exploring ourselves and our loved ones... seeking joy and new ways to experience life fully-in-the-moment... These treasures will by far outweigh the pain of the experience. 

My lover gave me a pair of new ear rings the morning before my double mastectomy. "So I would feel beautiful in the hospital." I still tear-up appreciating that sweetness, and his impeccable sense of timing.

He had to bathe me for 3 weeks (when I couldn't myself post-surgery) and still massages cream into my scars and rubs my LE-threatening arm. Our relationship has deepened so so much since BC came into our lives... and allowed him the opportunity to show me the incredible and compassionate human being he is.

It has allowed me to lower my facade of 'modesty' and 'vanity' -- and show him not only my strength -- but  my frailty. His tenderness and sense of oddball humor are such a help to jog me out of the occasional fear or self-pity...

Anyway -- I just wanted to remind you to look for the blessings hidden in this experience... (at least for me) there have been many. 

Linda

Keith-one little note of advice to you and Peg-Stay away from statistics. They really have no place in the world of stage 4 cancer. When I was dx with stage 4 back in aug. I read every thing I could get my hands on and it sent me into depression deeper than the dx did. This is the only place I come now. It is such a supportive place. I have been dealing with bc off and on now for five years and just got the news that my tumors are shrinking and my liver panel is almost normal again. I had a nurse back in aug. tell me I had maybe four months left-ha! Things in our lives have changed tremendously, but it has brought my husband and me closer and we dont sweat the little stuff anymore. Im still doing and going anywhere I want (maybe just a little slower) and we are also doing things we never thought about doing. Anyway, my thoughts and prayers are with you and your wife and hope to see her post soon too.