What is my role as a boyfriend?

That's a tough situation to be in.   You don't say how long you've been together, and how well you knew each other prior to her diagnosis, but it sounds like you are in the unenviable position to figure out whether she's pushing you away because she'd rather do that than have you break up with her, or because her feeling have either changed or were never that strong to begin with.  

I don't think anyone can really give you too much advice, since we don't know either of you.  You just have to figure out your feelings, and whether she means what she's saying at face value, or not.  The answer could be any of the options or a combination.  She could be reassessing everyone and everything in her life, or she could be scared.  And you're the only one in the position to try and even take a guess.

I hope re-reading what you wrote helps you make your decision.  Good luck to you.

"Part of me says she does not want this but is afraid of losing me.  The other part says she still wants this and is giving me all she can right now."

I do not have a lot to say, except maybe you should trust your instincts on those two sentences above. She might be feeling both ways--different ways at different times. Somebody could make millions writing a relationship book that tells people how to deal with ambivalent partners, especially those in crisis. Hopefully things will become a little clearer with time.

I don't know that I have advice, but I can tell you when I was diagnosed I felt like I was ruining my husband and son's life.  I told my husband "you didn't sign up for this....you don't have to stick around".  I was so emotionally a mess.  I loved my husband and still do but felt so much guilt for putting him and our young son through my cancer mess.  THere are so many emotions that go on in your head when you are dealing with BC and most of the thoughts are things you keep to yourself because they are too horrible to say outloud.  At least that is what I experienced.   I hope you can give her time so you can both really evaluate if you have a future together.  Right now I am sure she is very unsure of her future and can't even think about it.  You sound like a very supportive boyfriend.  I hope you can work this out since you love her so much.  Good luck!

I, too, was in a long distance relationship -- when my dx came in. We met on E-Harmony, and had been writing for 8 months -- and I had been visiting for about a week of each month from Jan - May. I really liked him -- he is a great guy. But we were going slow... his is a very deliberate/careful person, and didn't want to promise 'love' until he really knew how he felt. (We are both in our mid-fifties).

I was scheduled to go on a trip with him -- to meet his parents (in their 90's) when I had my first troubling mammogram. I told my doc's nurse about my dilemma - and she told me that HER vote was that I should take the trip and postpone the biopsy by 10 days. (The surgeon was pushing me hard to get the biopsy immediately). The nurse was SO right, and I ended up firing that pushy surgeon.

It was a great trip, and when we got me back to Kansas City, Les was there to take me to the biopsy. Then he bundled me up and whisked me off to his ranch in NM to await the pathology. 

It was cancer. I was freaking, because this is the best man I have ever been with. It seems so unfair that I would FINALLY, after all these years, meet a truly wonderful man, and then get cancer. My fear from the dx was losing the man -- not losing my life. (I was deep in denial, but I knew what was important to me -- and it was salvaging the relationship if at all possible). 

Boy -- did he step up to the plate. He said that if I wanted to tackle this out here with him, then he wanted me to come. 

I told him (just like everyone else has said) that I had to go throught this -- but he didn't. He said he knew he didn't have to -- but he wanted to. That he loved me and wanted to help in anyway he could.

Well -- I took him up on his offer -- and he has been SO super. Our relationship has grown exponentially since the dx. Like in a kid's game of Shoots and Ladders -- Cancer catapulted our relationship forward.

My suggestion is that you just love her and see what happens.

Give 100% of what you feel like giving -- and not a drop more. If you expect nothing from her, then you won't be disappointed... and she won't feel pressured.

If it is reasonable for you to move to her town, if you could find work -- if you like the town, and could see yourself there -- then why not move there for 6 months and see what happens? It would certainly show her that you are serious about being there for her... and give you both the chance to get to know each other more deeply.

But you would have to take that leap knowing that you might only end up as friends... and that would have to be OK with you, or you are setting yourself up to be disappointed and that would poision your relationship. 

So -- how does that feel -- to think about making the leap of faith and moving to her town? I'm talking about you getting your own place -- this isn't about you having it easy by moving in with her. That would be pressuring her. You would need to be fully self-sufficient in the new town -- depend on her for NOTHING. 

Whatever your gut is telling you about this suggestion is probably very revealing.

Best of luck -- the one thing I can say for sure is that cancer has brough Les and I much closer. I am more honest with him (as in completely -- right down to letting him help me bathe after the surgery -- something 'modesty' would never have allowed before). He has seen me at my most vulnerable -- and he has sure shown me that I picked the best partner I could have to take the journey with. As odd as it sounds -- Cancer does not have to be a negative in the relationship. It can be a pathway to a much deeper shared human experience. 

Good luck to you both.

Linda

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