Survivor guilt or just the grieving process..

I hear you!! My Mom passed on Sept .9th of this year and I cried so much when her cancer came back and seeing her in pain. By the time she left us I was numb. Now I can't stop crying and question all that the Drs did. I am heartbroken to see my 6 & 2 yr old girls without their Nana. I will say a prayer for you. Noone understands unless you've lost someone as close as we have

Boy, do I hear that.  My mum passed away Oct. 1, 2011 and we've gotten through the first anniversary of her death.  Kept ourselves busy.  I am a little further along in the process than some of you, but it's still hard.  We've just been blessed to be able to buy an acreage not far from where she lived and there are so many times I catch myself saying how much she would have loved that we were closer, or how she would have been so happy of proud of us for doing this.  I know she is with me in spirit and we've definitely felt her on our shoulders getting us through this very stressful negotiation time of buying and selling houses and although we're really happy to be moving in to this next phase of our lives, it's so damn bittersweet at the same time.   Not sure I'm really liking this new normal.  It's just so lonely and unless you've lost your mum, there is no hope of understanding what it's like walking in our shoes.  My grandfather died when my mum was 51 and she moved to his area when she was 53.  I'm sure she went through what I'm going through now - I was 51 when she died and I just turned 53 last month, moving to her area.  Like I said, bittersweet.  I know they stay with us, but what I wouldn't give just to be able to give her just one more hug, or see that arched eyebrow pointing at me again, giving me "the look".  Time does make it easier, the crying becomes more often just a tight throat and full eyes, but the heart never really does mend, I don't think.