Reassuring wife's beauty before dbl mastectomy?

http://community.breastcancer.org/forum/82/topic/789067?page=29#top

Here is a link that is an ongoing conversation regarding how we see ourselves and our perception of others' views of us that might help your wife.  My dh has always reassured me that no further amount of recon surgery would change the way he felt and that it was not my boobs that he fell in love with.  But understand, this is a very normal fear that your wife has, given our society today. 

Rob - I got the call a year ago: invasive ductal carcinoma.

After I spent the afternoon crying (with DH just holding me, not trying to "fix" it), I knew I had some decisions to make. After careful consideration, research, and prayer, I knew I wanted a bilateral (double) mastectomy.

I asked DH how attached he was to my boobs. He said "They're nice, but I'd rather have YOU." He went on to say that no matter what happened, we'd face it together, because we were a team.

From the minute I had my surgery last December, DH has been my nurse, my chef, my chauffeur, my valet, my pack mule, my best friend, and yes, my lover.

He never shied away from the less pretty tasks of emptying my drains or checking out the incisions. He set his alarm to get up at 4 a.m. to give me my dose of pain meds so I'd never wait to get them. He held my hand when I cried out of sheer pain, sheer boredom, and sheer helplessness. He just listened.

He was free with his hugs and his kisses. He left cards on my pillow and on my place setting at the dining room table. We kept a photo journal of the whole process, and became quite adept at capturing every aspect of my body as it changed.

Last month I had my exchange surgery, and got my permanent saline implants. Once again, he took care of me, but to a much lesser extent. I've lost some weight and gotten more fit, and I feel better about ME...but he has never waivered in how much he loves me and cherishes me. He admires me because I have gone through the fire, and come out better for it. If anything, that makes me more attractive in his eyes.

I might add that we are in our 60's. Attractiveness has so little to do with physical appearance.....but it took us a long time to figure that out.

I know that some younger women here have said that their husbands say they find them attractive, but that they can't believe them. I think that's a matter of time and persistence. If your actions show what your words are saying, then eventually it becomes very apparent that you are speaking from the heart, not just saying what your wife wants to hear.

Thank you for being one of the good guys.....

Wishing you and your wife the best as you go through this together

I agree with Letlet. My husband's non-reaction made me feel good. He seem unphased and that it wasn't bad. He also did all the reassurances beforehand that he found me attractive for many reasons that didn't involve my chest. He also reminded me that although I considered myself young and attractive at the time I was diagnosed, that eventually both he and I would grow older and not be the 20-somethings we were when we met. He reminded me that when our looks decline as we age that he would hope that our attraction was based more than just purely physical reasons. He also lightened the mood at times by making jokes that I would be the envy of my friends when I was in my 40s or 50s b/c I wouldn't be "sagging." He also would joke that I must find him pretty shallow if all he cared about was my chest.It may take her time after the surgery, but the more reassurances give her that you are in love with her and that there are so many other things that may her attractive. I opted for a BMX though I just needed a lumpectomy and have felt so positive about my decision. I hope she finds peace in hers as well.

Rob,

Just tell her that.  My wife worried about it but you know what it isnt (at least for me) the physical package (it wa nice though dont get me wrong) was never the important thing to her beauty.  I also used humor telling her that she was just jealous of my pecs so she had to go and decide to try and show me up...and I agree with the above just be yourself normal is the best medicine and best thing to overcome the fear.

Bryan