Bursts of grief and tears

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thatsvanity
thatsvanity Member Posts: 391
edited June 2014 in Caring for Someone with Breast cancer

I have bursts of grief with floods of tears that come on liked without warning. I have a level month or two then wham it hits me. I miss my sister so terribly much that it's like a fist twisting my soul and heart and mind where I am consumed with grief and I just put on an actor's face at work, then when I get home or in my car my tears flood again. I wish I could stay in bed alone for days and days. Sometimes I cry at my job at my desk. I am a special needs teacher and they are so in need of me every hour every minute of the school day. Do any of you who have lost a loved one experience these grief bursts? My sister died 2/14/2011 stage IV IDC in both breasts she lived about a year after her diagnosis. Please share if you feel inclined to share your grief and how you make it or are making it.

Love Amy Lynn

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  • mdg
    mdg Member Posts: 3,571
    edited September 2012

    I am so terribly sorry for your loss.  I personally don't have that situation however my best friend lost her mom to lung cancer and that was 4 years ago.  She describes the same bursts you mention.  I wish I could offer a way of making it better, but I can't.  I just wanted to let you know you are not the only one struggling with this.  Hugs...

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  • KANSAS65
    KANSAS65 Member Posts: 17
    edited September 2012

    Amy Lynn, I'm so sorry for your loss. I lost my mother to cancer 12 years ago in August 16th. I cryed every night when I got home after visiting her in her last days. After she died I made myself think that I needed to let her go, that she was in pain, wasting away there in bed and that it was for the best. I do believe that she didn't want me to mourn and be miserable for ever. I miss her very much every day and wish she could have been her to see my daughter grow up and turn out like she has. But life goes on and we have to make the best of it. People I had talked to at the time of my moms death said "time will help with your loss" and it has. Best wishes to you. :)

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  • Margi1959
    Margi1959 Member Posts: 178
    edited September 2012

    Yep, Amy Lynn - absolutely.  It hits me at the oddest times, too.  Sometimes even just a whiff of cigarette smoke will set me off.  It's sometimes like a flood gate that, for the most part, we have control of but if there is ever a breach and  a little bit leaks out, sometimes it can be a flood.  Others times, just a lump in the throat, full eyes and back to "normal" in a minute.

    This is a pain that I've never been through before and I doubt you have either.  The anniversary of my parents' deaths is coming up and I am absolutely dreading it.

    One thing I've been doing that is bringing me huge comfort is - and this may sound a little "out there" so if you're not into this, just skip ahead - but if I've had a particularly rough day of missing my mum, I ask her to come talk to me just before I go to sleep.  Without fail so far, I get a dream about her.  The last one I got was totally unrelated to her but suddenly, she walked in through a door, dressed to the nines in a business suit, hair and makeup done and she didn't say a word.  I just said "wow!  look at YOU!" and I gave her a big hug.  I literally FELT that hug, felt her arms around me.  Again no words but I heard her speak to me in my brain (told ya this was gonna be out there) and the message was "I'm all better now!".  You know, as much as that was hard to wake up and realize it was only a dream, I still woke up feeling a little better.  

    My task now is to put the In Memoriams notices in the paper for my parents, so I've been reading through some quotes and these are the ones I'm going to put up for my Mum.  The last one, especially, really captures who my Mum was.  She was a feisty girl. 

    • "Perhaps they are not the stars, but rather openings in heaven where the love of our lost ones pours through and shines down upon us to let us know they are happy." - Eskimo legend
    • "They whom we love and lost are no longer where they were before. They are now wherever we are." - St. John Chrystostom
    What we have once enjoyed we can never lose. All that we love deeply becomes a part of us.
    Helen Keller
    I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.
    Winston Churchill
     

    Let those tears come, Amy Lynn - wash out your heart, miss her with every fiber of your being, but find a way to still feel her.  It really does help get through this horrible time.  

    Hugs and love to you,

    Margi

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  • Linda1966
    Linda1966 Member Posts: 633
    edited September 2012

    Amy Lynn. I lost my father 20 years ago to a sudden inoperable brain tumour. The grief you mention is what I went through and to this day when i think of my father, my eyes well up and I get a lump in my throat. But over the years a lot of the horrendous pain faded away so that I can think of all the great times and even think of some of his bad habits fondly and without pain, though the eyes and throat still do their usual. Its a well worn saying, but time DOES help heal.

    When you are feeling down, try to think about how your sister would not want you to be suffering and that she herself is no longer in pain. Also regardless of your religious views, think of one day being able to see her again healthy and happy. I have no clue as to how or why (and Im not religious) but I have faith that one day I will be reunited with my father and all the other loved ones who have passed and who will pass before me and that thought gives me great comfort. 

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  • thatsvanity
    thatsvanity Member Posts: 391
    edited September 2012

    Thank you so much Linda, Margie, and Kansas,

    I knew I would receive some kind words and understanding, of course reading each post made me cry but a little cry. I believe I will be with her again, I believe we still have a purpose after our physical death. A hospice nurse who is also an author told me that my sister would be there for me when I leave this world. I know in my heart it is true. Margie I am going to try reaching out to my sister before I go to sleep, I would love to have a dream about her. It's so cool that your mom looked great in your dream. My sister always said she was coming back after death as Sophia Loren... It never seemed to be the end for her it was like she was taking a real physical journey that was starting anew, in her last days it was more like she was happy to be going on a trip or somewhere else... Intuitively she knew it wasn't over. Thank you Kansas time has helped so much... It does help soften the pain. Love to all of you wonderful women, I am so grateful to have these written conversations that help me immensely. Xoxoxo Amy Lynn

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  • thatsvanity
    thatsvanity Member Posts: 391
    edited September 2012

    Hi Amy,

    Thank you for your kind words, you experienced so much loss too, and we do have a lot in common, how funny! I'm a dog lover too. You are right about finding something for ourselves to get into. I let go of Pilates when my sister was sick then I gained weight but I m getting back into caring for my health. There is Zumba by my house I want to check it out. There is also a great cancer caregiver support group near my house, I just have to do it and the feelings will follow. Thanks again for your positive response and really good helpful solutions.

    Love Amy Lynn

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  • thatsvanity
    thatsvanity Member Posts: 391
    edited September 2012

    Amy,

    I'm very sorry you lost so much family your mom, brother and your dog in such a short time. That is an ocean of sadness and loss that was overwhelming and I know words can't even describe it. I'm glad your walking makes you feel better and that you do it! Grief really unfolds and we do find our path again it's kind of like crawling, stumbling, then falling then getting up and walking.

    Amy Lynn

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  • mandapanda
    mandapanda Member Posts: 105
    edited September 2012

    Im sorry for your loss, I know what you mean! My mom passed August 10 of this year. Sometimes a memory will pop on my head and I'm a mess or ill look at a picture. Or just look at my kids and think how we have been cheated without a mom and grandma and the tears come and can't e stopped. I wish I had words to make you feel better but, I don't right now. I just wanted to let you know you are not alone.

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  • thatsvanity
    thatsvanity Member Posts: 391
    edited September 2012

    Thanks mapanda,

    I know how you feel too we grieve for the past and what we thought we would have in the future with our beloved mothers, sisters, daughters, all of us who have lost someone dear and irreplaceable the grief seeps in and takes hold without warning.

    Love,

    Amy Lynn

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