2012 sisters
Comments
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Getting ready for my reconstructive surgery on Wed. any suggestions? I'm guessing this is so much less painful that BMX?? How long did it take you to go back to work and/or recover?? I'm looking forward to getting this over and done with and moving on the next part of my life!! Thanks for any advice!! I love this site!!!
Crystal
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I was told I will need TAMOXIFEN too. I thought it was necessary because I am ER+ and premenopausal? my period stopped aftermy first chemo treatment and has not returned. I am confused after reading where some do not take it even though ER+?? Can someone help me understand? I chose to have chemo before surgery but now am confused by the decisions i have to make... mx or lumpectomy ? rads or no rads?tamox ornot? Sorry but i guess today is my day to vent and cry. I just want it ALL TO GO AWAY!!
ok, that feels a little better to get it out... now some ice cream and I will be better... thanks ans HUGS to all -
Scottiee1, is the UofT mindfulness course a general course in same or is it specifically for fears? I am in B. C. and if I found one here I would take it. Anything to help!
Marian
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It's for anyone who has gone through any type of trauma, I believe.
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Chrissera - I am in the exact same position except I had a bmx as I had not option at the time but when path report came back after surgery it showed complete reaction to chemo? So not sure what this all means for me and I have questions that are not being answer yet. Understand confusion but I wish I would have ask about option for not having all my lymphs removed. Now rads and tamoxifen and I don't want to do either with out someone explain stats to me in detail so I can make an educated decision! I hear you on wanting it all to fucking end! Hugs
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Quick update....rad #1 is finished without any drama or SE's to go along with it! 1 down/32 to go!
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CANCER SUCKS! I HATE CANCER.
AND I HATE THAT PEOPLE ARE HURTING, AND UNCOMFORTABLE, AND ARE SURROUNDED BY SNOTTY NOSES THAT THEY HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT ON TOP OF EVERYTHING ELSE, AND HAVE INSURANCE PROBLEMS, AND LOST THEIR JOBS, AND LOST THEIR HAIR, AND SUFFER FROM SIDE EFFECTS, AND CRY, AND ARE SAD. AND . . . GODDAMMIT TO HELL IT BLOWS! CANCER: WANTED FOR WAR CRIMES. FUCK YOU, CANCER!!!!!!
Have a nice night everyone.
Scorch -
Yeah!, what she said!! Scorch you read my mind! Ugh. Dreading Thursday...round 3.
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Hugs to all. Much love.
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Some (very) small victories today, but victories nonetheless:
Finally I was able to carry my purse in the way I like, with the strap across my body. No port to bump into and irritate, and the incision there is healing very well.
Also, with some minor stretching (shoulder blade squeeze) I was able to drive keeping both hands on the steering wheel the whole time. Until now my left arm hurt too much and I rested that hand in my lap most of the time.
I've still got pain that almost shoots down my inner arm. It hurts most in my forearm right around my elbow, but there's a line of pain in the upper arm if I lightly rub it. Sometimes instead of hurting it feels like it's... buzzing, or almost (but not quite) itching.
I've been obsessively scouring the internet for info and pictures of cording/axillary web syndrome, but I don't have a visible or palpable cord anywhere. Maybe this is the start? Or maybe a nerve was damaged during the surgery? Time will tell, I guess.
I started moisturizing my left 'pit today. As sensitive as the skin is in that whole area, I was pleasantly surprised at the lack of pain directly around the incision.
I think most of my pain at this point is from the damned infection at my drain site. Ugh. It needs to heal already. Tomorrow will be day seven on oral antibiotics, but it's still oozing yellow. So gross. -
Cottontail, I feel for you on the antibiotics. Mine are iv through my port, I have it accessed, and they will change it every week. Yuck. But at least my infection was inside. Don't know how I'd do with oozing.... LOL . Much love
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Go Scorchy! GRRRR!!!!!
Mcook301, I had a "day" today as well. Can't believe this is my life, and can't believe it will never really be over. I think even if I live 20 years (which is statistically unlikely) I'll still have that fear sitting right there in my brain, and be dealing with it to some degree every single day. Mindfulness, shmindfulness, it's what they tell us to do since there's no cure and there's no medication for FEAR. They can medicate anxiety and pain and depression somewhat, but there's really nothing that directly goes after fear.
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Ladies
I adore all of you and I hope I can turn my mindset around and some how continue to gain some positive prospective about this dam situation.
Scorch - yell! Scream!
Juneau- thinking of you today! Kill those dam cells with round three!
Ann- agreed I wish I had the cure for fear as well!
So I as I let my mind settle last night I try tried to think of some positives about all this for me! have a few but I guess I can say these diease has helped me to be strong! I had never had an IV in my life was was terrified of needles, I never could muster up the nerve to say something or reach out to someone suffering with a diease like this and now I make sure to repay the support I have received. I am more of a risk taker and also realize that life to short and I need to continue to find out what makes me happy and act on those things. I go see my friends more often and family. My friends and family have went in and got exams because of my BC. I have a special group of 2012 sisters I get support from and understand how I feel! I want to try hard to not spend my days being angry or sad! It is going to be a struggle but I woke up this morning and told myself I am going to try and not let days slip by being angry, at least for today! Tomorrow I will see:) I am sending big fat Hugs to all of you! Don't forget how freaking strong we all are today! Today let share some positives in our lives! Remember you are all beautiful regardless of hair, boobs, and fucking cancer! -
I'll be in your pocket on Thursday, Juneau--and every day thereafter. You can do this! Go Juneau! Go Juneau!
Feel better, Cottontail. Hope that infection clears real soon.
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Mcook, I'm trying to think positive today but sheesh.
My PS's office called yesterday. They swabbed my nip when I was in his office Thursday because a spot was iffy looking. I seem to have an infection. Blah. He called in an antibiotic.
Also, Im so damn aggravated with my kids. I have 4. My oldest (my only son, 15) was at first very understanding about my diagnosis. Now he's a lazy ass. My kids have chores. His happen to be folding and putting away laundry and keeping the floors picked up. He chose these chores. Lately it takes him 3 hours to fold and hang one load of laundry and it's done half ass. I think he sees me home all day (since my DMX) and expects me to do it all for him. Ive tried to explain to him that it's hard for me to reach into the washer and raise my arms to hang. He doesnt seem to care. Im quite upset that my kids don't seem to care. -
Mccook - love your post. You are strong and that strength has been revealed by all you have gone through. Yesterday I realized that physically I may not be strong but this is what a co-worker said to me when I popped into work for a couple of meetings I wanted to keep on on - 'if your outward appearance is any indication of your inner strength, you are one amazing woman'. That and the look of pride and delight on my managers face when he saw me made my day, even though I found myself exhausted fairly early on in it.
Have a great day everyone, you are all amazing women! -
Dear sister warriors,
I have read through all the rants, and I hear you, oh, how I hear you! This bc (I refuse to write it in capital letters, thus giving it more power) must be the single most devastating illness there is. Little by little, it takes so much.
1. If you are lucky, you are early stage when diagnosed. If not, you have to come to grips with the fact that your life may suddenly now be much shorter than you ever anticipated. If you have young children, it is too heartbreaking for words.
2. Decisions, decisions: Lumpectomy? Mastectomy? One or both breasts although one is healthy? Reconstruction or not? Which form of reconstruction? TE, implants, flap surgery? Chemotherapy or not if you're borderline? Node removal which leads to LE or the lifelong threat thereof. Radiation which will cause irreparable damage to skin and underlying tissue. Losing your job. Losing your health insurance. Canadians, you are so fortunate in this respect.
3. Chemotherapy, the dreaded poison cocktail treatment, which leaves you so weak and exhausted, with all kinds of weird, debilitating effects that you have to manage. Oh, I almost forgot - it also takes all your hair, making you scurry for hats, scarves, caps, wigs. For months you are left to wonder if you will ever have hair again, and some have to discover that their hair will never grow again.
4. All of these issues just come into your life unexpected and uninvited, and totally disrupt it majorly for a year or so, and after that bc is your invisible companion for the rest of your life. You are joined at the hip (sometimes quite literally when it spreads there) so to speak. When you look at your body, you are reminded every single day. It is an awareness and a reality you can never again get away from. You are changed for ever. Physically, mentally, spiritually. FOR EVER.
So, ladies: Rant, rave, whine, complain and cry. What you are experiencing is (almost) too much for flesh and blood to bear. Somehow, somewhere we need an escape valve where we can blow off steam, where we can decompress, and, most importantly, where we can be fully understood. This is the place. You are so welcome!
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Liefie I wish there was a "like" button for that! Thank you for putting it out there for all of us...
Mrscich I too have teenage girls who have chores and at the initial dx were more than happy to help. Now 5 months later not so much. I have learned to just leave it as much as I can and they figure it out when they have no clothes to wear.
Feeling very sad and emotional today. Just went for a repeat echocardiogram (Damn Herceptin!) ANC now have to go to work which is no fun at all. I am exhausted cuz I am not sleeping again worrying about surgery and issues at work. My hubby says I should go out again now... Not sure what to do... -
I agree with the "like" button. There are plenty of posts I'd like to "like".
I get new posts emailed to me and as soon as I read your post Liefie, I forwarded it to my husband. It's about as true as it gets. I'm 33 and now I have to worry about this and possibly other ailments/cancers for the rest of my life. I'm early stage but I'm also young. Damn it cancer!!!!!!!! -
When I was having chemo, my nurse used to work at Vancouver Children's hospital in the chemo suite and we were talking about kids and cancer and how they react. She said they are absolutely amazing because, unlike adults, if they are sick with it, they just move on and start playing again. She said that she was blown away by their resilience and wished that as adults we could have the same mindset as children... not to dwell on things and move on. Positive thoughts and hugs to Maiya and her family.
Well, there I was happily responding to you all.. and I read your post liefie and decided to delete my original post... you have it summed up and yes, wish there was a like button. Thank you.
I got my date for rads - October 4. My new RO (original one on sabbatical) is wonderful and kind and gentle and I got my tatts yesterday too.
Sending you all virtual hugs and positive thoughts for today. However small it may be, lets all try and find some sunshine and happiness in our lives today.
I am so happy I have you all. -
Sorry... welcome chemochar as you can likely tell, you have landed in a wonderful place.
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Chrissera and MrsCich,
Go to the thread 'My wife and the battle we did not want to fight'. Towards the bottom there is a post by Curlylocks which is truly one of the most inspiring I have read here.
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liefie... I just read Curlylocks post... truly wonderful and one we should all read... brought tears to my eyes. So inspiring. Thanks for directing us there.
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*celine finds a spot on the floor..puts down her big purple pillow.. sits and starts to blow bubbles*
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chemochar: I had lumpectomy & 12 nodes removed(underarm) 2 with microcells 1 node with macrocells. My radiologist said that because the underarm nodes had cancer there was a possiblity that the ones at my collarbone could have too. My radiation (25 shots just finished) were aimed there along with my breast & underarm which he said would kill any possible cells. The node removal caused the most discomfort...arm still bothers me & onc. says it may always be that way.
I am also on Femara for the next 5 years. Opted not to have chemo although it was presented as an option. My oncs have told me that in my particular case (given my age & general health) I have almost 90% chance of non reoccurance(in the next 10 yrs.) with this course of treatment. The chemo was not going to add much to this & I am happy with 90%. Time will tell.
I hope this information helps a little as your situation seems to be similar to mine although I am considerably older than you. Maybe 10 more years is all I have to worry about.
Everytime I read these "sadness" posts I cry again....I do understand how unfair it is to all of us and I don't think anyone that hasn't been here can completely get it.
chris,Mrs.Cich, I remember being 15 (the eldest of 11 children) & I wasn't always nice to my mother. If we could only go back.
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mcook301, great post, I will play "silver lining" today too. Let's see I also had to get over some fears... of needles, dealing with doctors, insurance companies, customer service lines and keeping up with mail. I was practically phobic about opening mail and now I keep up. My dx prodded me to get married after nearly 2 years of being engaged, and what a great decision that was! I have had to really finally use some techniques to manage worry after just tolerating a lot of it most of my life. It's made me set a goal to live in the moment and appreciate the life I have now. Still struggling at times but I usually do achieve goals I set. I'm also staying more connected with friends and family than before. So that's a lot of silver lining!
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I didn't feel particularly "immortal" but, short of an accident, I thought I would live another 20+ years. I led a super healthy life. Now I am mortal for sure with a few years to maybe many if I am lucky. People who don't have cancer say things like " we all die sometime". " we shouldn't feel immortal, we could go anytime" etc. but, I don't think they really "know" as we do, what they are saying.
I am more sensitive now, and try to get out of my reserved personality and say something of comfort and help to those who are scared or needy. I want to be a generous person ( without needing gold stars for it) and work on being less judgmental of myself and others.
Be your own kind generous friend. -
Liefie nicely put and Curlylocks post does bring tears to the eyes. Appreciate the link.
so sorry for those of you who are feeling so low or not feeling well. It's weird because it seems to me that when it's dreary outside, I get kind of down-when it's sunny I feel I can take on anything include BC.
MrsCich and Chrissera I'm sorry that you have that feeling of "let down" from your older kids right now. I'm sure they aren't thinking right now of how there behavior is making you feel and it sure as heck doesn't mean they don't care about you. The reason I say this is because your comments really hit home. I went through that myself only it was back in the 60's and I was the young teen and my mom had the breast cancer. At first I felt horrible and scared for my mom and I was as helpful as could be, but as time passed after surgery I started slacking even though I loved my mom to death. I think for me it was like a young teens way of acting out, trying to wish Mom's cancer away and wanting things to get back to normal. As we know the treatments etc can all really drag out and I think time even goes slower when you are young. Cancer affects our family members all in different ways and as we know "teens" are a whole different bundle of emotions and hormones. I think subconsciously I was mad not only with what it did to my mom but I resented what it did to our daily family life. My friends were all having PJ parties and their "healthy" moms were up making us breakfast etc like my mom would have been had she not gotten sick but PJ parties at my house that summer had to be nixed. My friends families were all taking summer vacations etc. but for us it was "well, maybe we can go somewhere next summer" which seemed like an eternity; a whole year of school would have to go by. I know now that my mom probably cried and felt at times like I didn't care or she wished that she felt up to me having a bunch of giddy girls spend the night and bake and do all the things she used to love to do before bc too like throw huge summer bbq's. Those things weren't really important in and of themselves but were just very symbolic of the idealic "normal" life we had before moms BC. Do I wish now that I would have had the maturity to handle it in a more caring way, you bet ya. unfortunately I was a young teen that had never been through it before nor had the rest of the family so I guess you could say we all just winged it the best we could while resenting the cancer to our core. For those with "older kids" don't forget too that they may seem like they don't care but deep inside they may also have a fear of losing you that they don't know how to confront- I know I did. As far as not helping to make life any easier Mom. if you can see/hear me now- I'm so sorry .
Interesting the silverlining conversations on our thread today because I saw this other thread this morning and marked it as a favorite. http://community.breastcancer.org/forum/135/topic/786929?page=1 so when I signed on to our 2012 thread here I thought maybe I accidentally hit the wrong one. Seems like alot of us are in the state of mind right now to search for our silver lining.
Thinking of you all and praying we can find some happy and a silver lining somewhere in everyday.
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Ok ladies
Got a funny question since I live in MN the winter tundra! Will these dam TE freeze if I am outside too long:) holy shit that would suck! -
McCook Not if you pull your BGP up over them and keep them warm LOL YOu are too funny
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