Circle of trust broken

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jill47
jill47 Member Posts: 351
edited June 2014 in Mental Health: Because Cancer Doesn't Just Affect Your Breasts

Ladies -

I need your help on how to cope with trust that has been broken.  I have been very private about my bc dx, only family and a few friends (8) know.  I found out this morning by one of my very close friends who has been a saint helping me during recovery, that she got an email from one of her friends, an acquaintance of mine, saying she "heard" of my bc and wanted to know if she should call me.  My friend said, "no" that my wish was for my bc to remain private & not to tell anyone about it. My saintly friend did the right thing telling me and I thanked her for that. The acquaintance unfortunately has a big mouth and the local community that we all share a common interest in will soon probably find out.  I was going to fire off an email to the pack of 8 reminding them of my previously expressed request to keep hush but I don't want to piss anyone off or be accusatory (although I pretty sure I know who it is).  Should I just let this go and consider leak as part of this glorious Frown cancer experience.  I'm hurt more than anything else that someone broke my confidence.  Thank you.

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  • sewingnut
    sewingnut Member Posts: 1,129
    edited September 2012

    I would just let it go. I had something similar happen. Only close family members knew until my MIL announced it to everyone on her Christmas card list. I was devastated.....But, it did open conversation about breast cancer and treatment....Sorry

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  • jill47
    jill47 Member Posts: 351
    edited September 2012

    thank you sewingnut, merry christimas to you, unbelievable move MIL! I found out who the person was, makes me even sadder, I trusted him.  time to sweep this day under the carpet and keep my next disease to myself.

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  • SimplyAudrey
    SimplyAudrey Member Posts: 242
    edited September 2012

    Even in places where anonymity is the spiritual foundation....these things do happen.  A friend was dx'd with bc and everyone in 2 entire counties belonging to this group knew of her diagnosis before she was back at meetings.  I hurt for her - she was a VERY private person.

    I hurt for you too - betrayed comes to mind. 

    For me, I guess it's the opposite.  I don't really care who knows.  I discovered a while ago that trying to keep things inside or inside a tight group is harder than being open and honest about my choices.  I work in healthcare....so I'm just another of the gang of "it happens to US too!".  The more I tried to keep it in the worse my anxiety got.  So I started asking.  And I started sharing.  And I found a treatment team right here around me.  Who knew?

    "Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind!"

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  • sewingnut
    sewingnut Member Posts: 1,129
    edited September 2012

    "Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind!"   I love that SimplyAudrey!!  Well said :)

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  • jill47
    jill47 Member Posts: 351
    edited September 2012

    thank you ladies, I love that quote too!

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  • MadisoninMd
    MadisoninMd Member Posts: 87
    edited September 2012

    I had the exact same thing happen to me. I felt completely betrayed by someone I thought was a friend. She knew that I wanted to keep my diagnosis private but chose to share with others against my wishes. We haven't spoken since. I hope it was worth it to her. I've forgiven her as a gift to myself but I will never trust her again. Some people are just clueless. If we ever do speak again I plan on reminding her it wasn't her information to share.

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  • mgdsmc
    mgdsmc Member Posts: 332
    edited September 2012

    I think many of us has experienced something like this. When I found out only told family and few friends. I work at a hospital and only told maybe 4 people until my last day before my surgery.

    Many people don't understand that it takes time to deal with being told you have BC. Every person you tell comes questions, dealing with the look on their face ect. To me the worst thing about people knowing that you didn't tell is they always want to call you and talk about it. People don't understand we will talk about it when we are ready. Once it's out the bag can't put it back. Just have to let it go and concentrate on yourself. Losing trust is hard but battling BC is harder but makes you stronger in the end.

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  • Stormynyte
    Stormynyte Member Posts: 650
    edited September 2012

    I told my hubby, my kids, my sister, my mom and my dad. That is it. My mom took it upon herself to call everyone in the freaking phone book and tell them all about it, or that's how it feels anyway.

    I was so mad. Random friends of my mom's coming up to me in the store asking very personal questions and giving me advice I didn't want was really hard for me to deal with. 

    I did get over it, for the most part. I still get a little pissy when people I don't know ask me about it, but in the big scheme of things, it really doesn't matter, or so I keep telling myself. 

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  • jill47
    jill47 Member Posts: 351
    edited September 2012

    thank you so much madison, mgdsmc and recently stormy for your stories and support, it's nice to hear I'm not alone or crazy. My close friends attempted to support this individual's actions defending him.  I told them to stop making excuses for him,  I'm so tired of people's "intentions" being defended, it's a lame excuse for exercising poor judgement. If I run a red light and I "intended" to stop and hit a car does does that excuse my poor decision? Of course not, fortunately cars can be repaired but making my bc a topic for pubic discussion is not.  I've asked my friends who see this person to no longer discuss anything to do with my bc with him, change the subject, talk about the weather, I don't give a rats ass just leave me out of it, he'll get the message. I'm trying to get through my second surgery post nsbmx and just started PT, so yesterday's news just sucked.  Thank you so much for listening.

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  • SpecialK
    SpecialK Member Posts: 16,486
    edited September 2012

    jill47 - I did not attempt to keep my dx private but had an interesting development.  My BIL is a minister and he and my SIL asked if they could add my name to the prayer list at their church, which is in another state.  I said that of course I would take all the prayers I could get.  I received an email from linkedin some time later asking me to google my name to see how high up the google result my linkedin id would be and I discovered when checking this that the prayer list from BIL's church is online in their monthly newsletter with my whole name and diagnosis for anyone to see on the internet!  I was furious - now if anyone searches for me (like a prospective employer) they will see this information!  I got on the phone and let them know I was not happy - as well as the info that while I would not pursue any breach of privacy legal action, they have opened themselves up for a lawsuit from all the other people on that list. Apparently when their church newsletter went online to save mailing costs the secretary put all the information on it - in church on Sundays they don't disclose anyone's diagnosis, just their names.  Argghhh!

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  • Cindyl
    Cindyl Member Posts: 1,194
    edited September 2012

    SpecialK - now that's appalling.  I live in a small enough community that I knew it was inevitable that'd I'd run into friends, enemies and acquaintances at the MO's office, so I never really considered trying to keep things too private for long, but to have everything published out there on the web?  Horrible.

    jill47 - I was taken aback when the cancer navigator was calling before my doctor officially gave me the news, and when my boss told her boss about my DX before I even had a chance to figure out a tx plan.  It sucks when people don't respect your privacy and your right to share the information you choose to share in your own way.  That said, once the feline was out of the bag I put the information on my facebook.  Saved talking to people one on one.

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  • SpecialK
    SpecialK Member Posts: 16,486
    edited September 2012

    cindyl - I felt badly for the other people on that prayer list that do live in their small community, because so many of them know each other.  In terms of their prayer list I am a stranger to all of them, so no problem there - my exposure would come if someone googles my name for some reason (employment/insurance/reference) exactly as it is on the list.  I google it periodically to see how quickly it comes up, it now takes a couple of pages to get to it, and all the stuff that comes before it is good stuff!  I was pretty angry - but then I thought maybe it happened for a reason - since I brought it to their attention they have changed their policy and corrected how they do the written prayer list in the newsletter, so it is better for their parishioners and local community.

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  • jill47
    jill47 Member Posts: 351
    edited September 2012

    SpecialK...that is appaulling!!  I'd be pissed too.  Kind of similar but no where as bad as yours happened to me, b4 I made my treatment decision my SIL told me her church was praying for me (oh great it's one of those mega churches with thousands of attendees) she never got my permission to tell the masses (sorry no pun intended).  And it's a job thing for me been looking all year, I certainly don't want my medical condition out there.

    Cindyl, oopss in the communication at your cancer center...kinda sucks.  At my cancer center my BS medical assistant, really a nice kid, handed me my BRCA results envelop from Myriad....I've been dying to get my results for weeks...as he hands me the concealed envelope just for me...he said "oh don't worry your results are negitive!" WTF....he's not a doctor, that news wasn't his to give!  You are brave for publishing your dx on FB. 

    I appreciate the stories...this topic almost flows into the "stupid things people say" discussion or renamed "stupid things people say and do". 

    hugs,

    Jill 

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  • SpecialK
    SpecialK Member Posts: 16,486
    edited September 2012

    jill47 - I did feel vulnerable but was fortunate that most reading the newsletter specifically didn't know me from Adam.  I think I might feel worse in your shoes, knowing I was being discussed by people who actually know me, especially when I asked them NOT to!  Any way this happens it always feels wrong - but I have found that you just have to figure it is part of the master plan in some way and release the anger - it doesn't do me any good to hold on to it.  Letting it go means I don't give it any power over me.  LOL, do you feel zen yet?

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  • Anonymous
    Anonymous Member Posts: 1,376
    edited September 2012

    Jill - don't sweat the small stuff. If this situation has taught us anything it is that life is too short and some things just don't matter in the scheme of things.

    I live in a small town and tried to keep it private but it didn't work - ironically a local who now lives in QLD (over 20 hours drive away) was the one who told the local shop keeper !! (How he found out I will never know). There are a few benefits to people knowing which I have only just discovered and wouldn't have had it remained a secret so that is one thing. I'm not saying that you should focus on the positives (as I friggin' hate that saying) but some things are better to just let go. I'm surrounded by morons with 'good intentions', it used to irritate me - now I just blissfully ignore them. 

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  • jill47
    jill47 Member Posts: 351
    edited September 2012
    thank you Kelpie68 and SpecialK.....I feel the zen Cool I've done the best I know how to with this situation and talking with you bc girls was my best therapy of all....thank you to all!  
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  • Anonymous
    Anonymous Member Posts: 1,376
    edited September 2012

    "I've done the best I know how to with this situation and talking with you bc girls was my best therapy of all"

    The best we can do is ALL we can do but I agree with you 100% Jill - this site IS the best therapy !!

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  • 1Athena1
    1Athena1 Member Posts: 6,696
    edited September 2012

    jill47:

    As a privacy freak, I can understand your mortification and even your feeling of betrayal. My sense, from reading your post, is that the person may not have shared that privacy concern. It is sometimes hard to understand, when one is private, how for some people privacy matters less in this case.

    Love/caring can entail possessiveness. Sometimes friends or acquaintances can be caring but do the opposite of what we want. They may feel we are not telling others about bc because of modesty, and have a desire to grow our support system by informing others or our plight....or maybe the acquaintance is just a big mouth....I don't know.

    At this point, the cat is out of the bag, so you cannot do anything. Going forward it would be a good idea to share information sparingly and let whoever you tell know about your wish for privacy.

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  • bluedolphin
    bluedolphin Member Posts: 11
    edited September 2012

    I can honestly say I know the feeling as this happened to me. I told someone about my dx and then multiple people knew (most of them my coworkers as we worked at the same place). I had expressed my wishes for it to remain between me and my friend and felt so betrayed when I found out other people knew. I did eventually say something to my friend and she explained to me why she told other people. She explained that she needed to get support from others in handling my dx as she cared about me and she needed someone to talk to. She also explained that even if I didn't want to admit it, I needed more support than just her (I don't have any family). I was still angry and hurt, but it helped to know why she broke my trust. Maybe your friend felt the same way? I have to admit, I received cards from several of the people my friend told that I still have today. Those cards helped me so much when I was ready to just give up. I do have to say though as much as I understand why she told others, it does still bother me a little bit today. Sorry this happened to you.

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  • jill47
    jill47 Member Posts: 351
    edited September 2012

    Thank you Athena and Bluedolphin for understanding and sharing your experiences with me.  Originally when I sent my message I needed to know that my feelings were warranted from the bc community and found out they were.  You gals are the best, I don't ever feel condemmed or alone on this forum.

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