When people ask "how is the treatment going?"

Ann,

This question used to total unhinge me. Come to think of it, it still does.  I know folks want to hear that the ordeal is over and that we are fine and that life goes on as usual.  But that question was so loaded for me.  The question would always remind me of the situation and my dx. Then I immediately go to that dark place that we all know so well. My thoughts would fly to "Am I well?" "Will I be well?" "Will I always struggle with living with the unknown?" I actually spent time talking with my therapist about this question.  I learned that depending on the person, I don't have to answer. I'll say things like: Everything looks great. The doctors are pleased. I feel great. I'm hanging in there. I've learned to just live in the moment and right now life is great. Let's not talk about it, I don't like reliving it. And, I choose not to talk about it...let's change the subject. I guess what I'd like to say is ...crap, do any of us know how we REALLY are?

 I have to admit, I find the "is it working" question so offensive.  I would get that question from teary eyed co-workers in the middle of chemo. I got it immediately after chemo when I actually started to breath a little and wham I'd be in fear mode.  And, I get it still -- how was your appt., do they know if you're REALLY okay?  I'm two yrs. out from dx and I'm still so raw...particularly when I see other women on the board, my role models, facing scans and mets -- so that question has the ability to bring everything up.  

I can say that as you move on down the road, fewer and fewer people will ask those questions. It has made me wonder what came out of my mouth before my own dx. I truly hope I wasn't like that.

This is truly a journey.

Best to you.

Rachel

IDC, BRCA2+ , node+, er+ 

My standard response is, "Well I will never know really until I die of something else first, and I am counting on going out in my sleep, with a way too young and good looking guy's cowboy boots under my bed Giddyup!!!!

I love the way you say it, ohio4me. That is so true. Think I'm gonna adopt that as a standard response.

Ann, I know it's difficult when you're going through tx to believe the fear of recurrence will ever go away, but eventually it gets a lot better, so that while it's still there, it's not uppermost or constantly on your mind.  Of course we all know that bc can and does recur, but I honestly don't think that's what our friends, acquaintances and work associates want to hear.  They want reassurance that you're going to be okay, which is the kind of dialogue we and our doctors should be focusing on.  So I honestly think the best thing we can do is to wrap up whatever progress report we offer about our currrent status (like an honest comment on how you're feeling that day, for example) with something like, "... but my doctors say I should be fine after I finish my tx."  Of course, this isn't the whole story, but I personally think it's important for several reasons -- (1) because the odds for most of us with early stage bc (and you say you're Stage II or III) are something like 85% (and I realize that stat will be different for some Stage IIIs) that we won't have a recurrence, so why dwell on what hopefully won't happen?; (2) because unless they've been through bc, they won't understand anyway; and (3) because not knowing your prognosis or not knowing you have a good prognosis makes people very uncomfortable and will probably provoke talk and rumors that may not be true and could affect your job stability.

And as far as your immediate family ...  while you obviously need to share your deepest feelings with them, I think they'll also appreciate a positive outlook as much as possible because they already totally get and are living with the life-long threat and fear that bc has created for you and for them.  

I know sometimes it's really hard to put aside our fears and be really hopeful about the future, especially when you're still going through tx.  But it honestly does get better, and I think a positive, reassuring answer is the better approach to those awkward questions, especially in the workplace.     Deanna 

Momine, thank you reminding me that every family situation is unique.  I didn't mean to suggest that we should be less than genuine with close family members, or that we should always try to put a positive spin on things for them.  I was just thinking about my own DH who reminds me when I've shared with him that someone I know has had a recurrence, for example, or that I'm concerned about an unexplained ache or pain, that he doesn't need to be reminded that my bc could come back -- that it's a fear he lives with too.  I guess I was trying to suggest being aware of that, which I don't think I really was until recently.  I guess I thought I was carrying that burden alone -- because my DH is also a very self-reliant, determined individual,  But I now realize it will always be there for my family, too.     Deanna

Momine...the one person in this world who will refuse to believe the "truth" IS your mother...she cannot imagine her baby being sick, or God forbid, dying before her, so you might want to give her a little break on that.  She's earned her rainbow sparkles...

Ann,

We get to answer those questions with the answer that makes us feel comfortable.  There's no good canned response because how we choose to respond is a reflection of who we are -- and we are all very different people.

If a casual aquaintance asked me then I would keep my answer short with the hope that they get the message that "I'm handling it, it's OK and I don't want to talk about it".  If they tried to ask more I would again give them a short answer.  This worked well for me -- those people didn't pursue it further.

For my friends and family I laid it on the line so they'd know where I was coming from.  If the treatment was bothering me, I let them know.  As for prognosis or the future, I'd make it clear that this get rid of the cancer for now but it's not like other cancers where you get to ring the "all clear" bell after 5 years.  I wanted them to know that this was going to be a part of my life from this point forward and that it would shape my priorities and my plans.

This has worked well for me.  So now that I'm having issues with my elderly parents, my brother is really stepping up and trying to minimize the load for me because he knows that I will keep taking on more and more until the stress makes me take a hard fall.  And when I ask my kids to come visit me, rather than me going there, they understand that it because I don't have the energy and not because I'm just being lazy.

What has really bothered me was the number of people that have asked me "what did you do???" when they see me with my arm wrapped for lymphedema.  Now we're talking total strangers.  I'm so tried of telling them "it's nothing -- it prevents swelling."  Makes me feel very self-concious of all the times I have seen people in casts or bandages and asked what happened.  I've learned to keep my mouth shut unless it's someone close to me.