My Mum doesn't want to try???? What should I do???

Helena79, Please let your mother do whatever she wants and on her own terms. I know it's hard to know that she might die without treatment but it is her body. Remember she didn't ask to have cancer and we all have the right to decide what we will and will not do in the face of having such a terrible desease. No matter what she decides to do or not do it's the right choice for her. I don't think any of us want to have someone interfere with what we decide. it's probably the most important chioce we will ever have to make so please respect her wishes. She isn't trying to hurt anyone by not chosing to fight this she only wants to deal with it in her own terms. i know because I'm not doing treatments eather and the last thing I want is to hurt my children by dieing. Nothing in your life can prepare you or your mom for this but if she has made a decision and is ok with it then please, please let her go on her own terms. Sometimes we just won't live through cancer no matter what we do, so having treatment may not help her at all. It's really all up to her now. I'm so sorry that you have to ask this question but the fact that your asking it means that you love her very much and only want to help her. Just hear her when she talks and be there for her...sometimes that's the best we can do. I hope you can find peace with her decisions no matter what they are. Because they are hers.

All my love, cin

Helena,

I can't say it any better than the ladies before me have. I am very close to both of my daughters. We have had some discussion, painful as it is to them, on this subject. I have been very clear that honoring my wishes is about me, not them nor is it a measure of ones love. The most loving and compassionate thing they can do is to let me live and die as I choose. My thoughts are with you, your mom and family. Caryn

Helena, I don't know if you're still reading, but thought I'd add in some thoughts. If she has already had treatment for her first cancer, she knows what is ahead of her. Quality of life becomes more important at some point than quantity. My Dad was diganosed with lung cancer and all of us 4 kids and the grandchildren urged him to put up the fight of his life. He went through multiple surgeries, chemo and rads and looking back at it all, he didn't gain that time living, it just took him 2 1/2 years to die!!! I asked him, when he was near the end, if he was glad he had gone through the treatments he had so that he got those extra years. He said NO! Not if he was going to just die in the end, anyway!!

Your Mom is now stage iv. She will die of breast cancer. Let her die with dignity and grace. That's what we all hope for ourselves when our time comes. 

Hi Helena. I understand how you feel and I hope what I write will help you in some way.  My mom, Grace, was diagnosed in 2005 with breast cancer. She had both breast removed and had her lymph nodes removed. She went through a hard time going through chemo and radiation. She beat it but she told me she would never go through chemo ever again. I was very angry that she said that because I was being selfish and truly only thinking about myself. However, the cancer returned and I found out in September 2010 as we were called to a family meeting that it was back and it wasn't good. My mom developed bone cancer which was in her phemor and on two of her rib cages. She had signs that something wasn't right and went to the doctors and they told her she was just fatigued and having pain because she was getting older. The cancer spread to her liver and it was a stage 4 right from the beginning. My mom decided to get chemo and take medication because she chose it.  Every time we got news though it wasn't any better and has continued to get worse. I had a different outlook this time because I went through a different form of hell and I knew I had to respect whatever decisions my mother made. It is her body and who am I to tell her what she has to do for my own reasons of trying to keep her here longer. The last thing I want is for my mom to be in pain because she is the best woman i know and she doesn't deserve to die in any kind of pain..I want her to go peacefully but that isn't going to happen. One of my biggest obstacles is that I would ask a question and she wouldn't awnser me or if she did I knew she was not telling me the whole truth because she wanted to protect me. I would assume the worst and I was a complete wreck. through the two years, I have had to learn to look at things in a different way..I try to stay optimistic that just maybe we will get our miracle. I also had to respect the fact that if she wanted to tell me something she would. Even though I am 35, she still wants to protect me and most importantly..she wants to remain in control of her own life. She is stubborn as well.  Just spend time with her and enjoy the moments you have. My mom just turned 55 on July 11th and we had a big celebration for her. I am taking her away on labor day weekend. Also understand that if she needs her rest, she needs to be able to rest. It is hard because I want to spend time with her but she still continues to work, even though I feel she shouldn't be, and when she gets home she sleeps. She wants as much normalcy as she can possibly get and once again..i have to respect that. I am alot like her and I like to fix things and make them better. I can't fix this but the one thing i can do is be there for her. I did research alot of things and what I would do is copy and paste it or print it off and email it to her.. we wouldn't discuss it unless she would bring it up. the one other thing i will recommend for you is to get a book called 'Death and Dying'. I hate the title but my counselor told me to read it. the first two chapters are a little hard to get into but after that it has alot of great information that will assist you and even your mom if she wants the info. It is on the stages that one goes through and has actual stories of cancer patients. It also helps you through other things in your life as well. I am not a big reader but I literally couldn't put the book down. I wanted to give the book to my mom but the title alone..I just couldn't so I am going to copy certain pages out of the book and give to her to read. If she chooses to..its her choice. I asked my mom on Thursday how her cell count was since she goes every week. She didn't really awnser my question and I knew it wasn't good. I saw my dad this morning and he told me that we are going to have a family meeting tonight and I am dreading it. I know she doesn't have long and the news that I so much wanted her to tell me is coming and i am horrified. She is my best friend..she is the one person i know that will always be there for me. What am I going to do without her here? I ask myself that alot. I don't delete any of my messages or emails I get from her. I can't. If you were to ask me if I have accepted the fact she is dying the awnser would be no.  haven't accepted the fact she is dying because I try to fool myself some times. Its the only way I can go through my day.   My mom has brought up conversations on what am I goig to wear on her and I couldn't awnser her. I bawled and walked away. After I talked to my counselor, I knew what I had to do..even if I didn't want to.  I talked to her about it and asked her what she wanted. My mom wants to be in control even when she is in heaven. It is her life and she does have the right to make her decisions. All I can do as her daughter is to be there when she needs me and to do what she asks. Respect when she wants to talk about things and when she doesn't want to talk about things. I normally start out the conversation on..How are you feeling? If she gives me a one sentence explanation - it ends there. If she continues to talk..we talk. This is with everything. Just know you are not alone and I truly do understand how you feel. I will pray for your mom and pray for mine. Embrace the time you have with her.