Need advice on Marriage/Separation
Last year was a crazy year filled with surgeries, treatments, and many complications. Through it all, my husband acted like a perfect, caring husband. At the end of the year, I found out it was all an act. He'd been betraying me secretly the whole time. I don't feel like typing all the details, but I know I'm not the only BC survivor in this situation. It turns out, he has a serious problem. Based on what I discovered, he probably was secretly happy that I was sick and hoping I would die so that he would be free.
Here's the problem: He won't leave the house. (I've been sleeping on the sofa.) But, I found out that, if I divorce him, I'll lose the medical insurance. More importantly, I'm very worried about the type of people he might bring around our kids if he had visitation with them without me around. So I can live this way as long as it takes. But I'm also worried that, if the cancer returns and I die, he could bring the wrong people around the kids. I do not have a job with my own income at this time. If there is anyone else here who has been in the same situation, I'm curious to know what you did to resolve the problem. Thank you!
Comments
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Lifeiswonderful- Im so very sorry you are going through this. I myself have not had to deal with this kind of situation, just wanted to reach out to you and give you hugs. Im sure someone in your situation will come along and be able to help with the insurance part of it. Did want to mention though that there are a lot of places that offer help with someone w/o med ins. which is listed on this site. sorry i can't link it but its in the frequently asked questions which list calling the national foundation for cancer instutute, ACS, susan koman foundation. Social security maybe able to help with medicare. Also call your local health care center sometimes they offer free services for women without insurance.
It is too bad you feel like you have to stay in this marriage because you feel you have no resources, sorry but your husband is a jerk for putting you through this and needs to be kicked to the curb. If your husband commited infidelaty then the courts would make him pay you a substantial amount. I dont know what your income situation is but if he has a good job he will have to pay alimony and child support. It never easy to go through things like this especially after being dx with bc, you have enough on your plate as it is. sounds like your hubby wanted to play the good guy who stuck by his sick wife, now show him you are well and are going to live a long healthy life and you arent going nowhere, he is!! Best wishes and i hope things work out for you. we are here for you to help you through this.
Gentle hugs!
Debbie
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Hi, Debbie.
Thank you for your reply. I appreciate the words of support and encouragement.
I am not really as concerned about medical insurance as I am about my kids. If we divorce, I won't be able to "stand guard" full-time. I worry about the type of people he might bring around them if the kids were visiting him without me there to supervise, or if they spent the weekends with him alone.
In reading about other divorces/separations on this forum, it seems the husband usually leaves the picture and doesn't see his kids often. But I have the opposite problem: He won't leave, especially not the kids. I even offered to let him walk without having to pay allimony, child support, or anything - as long as he were willing to give up both custody and unsupervised visitation. He refused.
To be more clear: I'm not talking about a one-night stand or an affair. Apparently, he has been leading a double life, and there probably are multiple women involved - he probably has cheated on me throughout our marriage, and I just never knew.
I'm wondering if anyone here has ever filed for divorce after discovering her husband had multiple "hook ups"? Do the courts award other cheating husbands partial custody? Visitation?
Thanks in advance!
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In response to your questions regarding the family court system - typically they don't care.
If your husband is a good father to the children - that is all the court is concerned about. What he does on the side away from the children (in regards to cheating) doesn't matter.
Unless he is physically abusive or on drugs he will get partial custody and visitation. The courts don't care about mental abuse - there is nothing in the system for parents that PAS their children (Parental Alienation Syndrome). Many parents have fought PAS in the courts but for some reason it is not recognized by most court systems.
What you need to ask yourself is "Is he a good father to the children? Will he neglect their education and physical well being?" Do you think that he will not consider the children's feelings and well being while being with other women? Does he make good choices in women? He obviously chose you and married you so he must have some process of thought regarding women.
I am in no way condoning what he has done - I am just giving you an idea of what you will be up against taking him to court asking for full custody.
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lifeiswonderful- I feel for you and your situation. I was recently asked the same question by a someone who was inquiring about what to do if one discovered her spouse's behavior was less than honorable while she was trying to handle 5 kids under the age of 14 and going through breast cancer treatment. I am a semi-retired bankruptcy attorney and have seen and heard enough family situations needing the right kind of legal help. Before I go any further, be assured that I am not giving you any legal advice here and cannot since I probably don't live where you live. What I am giving you is what I would do if I was faced with the same situation and I would hope if I didn't know what to do, that a good friend would help me figure it out.
So as a friend to you, I would ask every close friend I had that I had a close confidence with if they knew of a good divorce attorney. The mere act of having a consult with a divorce attorney will perhaps give you basic information and facts you need to decide what practical and legal steps you want to take. I would probably gather up whatever information I had to the financial/business side of my marriage and also have written down the incidences/ dates of incidences of my spouse's behavior that lead me to that point. I'd probably prepare a list of questions to help me remember what I wanted to ask the lawyer during the consult and inquire about attorney fees. I would also want a good friend go with me to the appointment to provide you some moral support and help take notes. What I've told you is just logical sense as what I would do and should not be construed as legal advice. Hope this helps. Good luck to you!!!
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With regard to health insurance, it's not uncommon for your divorce settlement to mandate that he continue health insurance for both you and the kids until you remarry. At least it's common in Massachusetts. Also in this state they don't care what caused the divorce when determining custody unless he is an abuser of some sort.
So sorry your dealing with this. Best of luck to you. -
Thank you, Jancie, Melrosemelrose, and Mardibra, for your responses, too. I appreciate all of the feedback.
I researched the topic and talked with other people who have personal experience with divorce in my state. But I guess I should talk with a divorce lawyer myself. As for being a good father, I always believed he was, but I also believed he was a good husband. I was completely wrong about the husband part. I don't trust him at all now with the kids, either, because I discovered that, whenever I was in the hospital and he was with the kids alone, he was busy trying to hook up with multiple women.
I found some of the conversations he was having via e-mail. These people are not at all like me, and I sure wouldn't trust them around my kids, either.I probably am stuck being married - legally, that is - just as I figured. Thanks for the advice.
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I'm so sorry you're going through this...
not sure about your divorce issues with your kids being younger, many divorce attorneys provide free consultations.
my kids were over 18 at the time of my leaving then divorcing my husband, we were married 30 years, he lead a double life as well, his last affair lasted a few years off and on...
my breast cancer was nine years ago...it made me strong...I feel for you and I wish you well...it's really hard to deal with on top of the cancer
be strong!
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Oh honey....how long have you known about these indiscretions? You have to step back and make sure you are thinking clearly. Your babies are #1....I can see that. Depending on their age, its only a matter of time before they see him for who he is. You are alive and will be for a long time. That said, what is most important to you....insurance or health and happiness? A healthy home? What is the first step toward what you really want? Take one step. I am looking at being uninsured myself...for different reasons but similar in truth....but I waited too long...now I have mental health problems because I thought other things were more important.
Ok. So lets say insurance IS that important...can You separate yourself to live happy and raise the babies right? If so, what's the first step?
My point is...go forward and make it work to be what you and your children need. Keep the emotions of being deceived and all that nastiness out (as soon as you can).
You can PM me anytime if you need....its a shitty shitty thing and it crushes me to see this happen to a sister...I am so sorry. -
I went through a similar situation several years before my bc. One of my children was over 18 and the other 16 at the time.Please consult an attorney ASAP so you can be clear about custody, property and insurance coverage issues in your state. Do not offer to give up child support or spousal support. That may still not guarantee you sole custody. You need to proceed within the bounds of the law to protect both yourself and your children. I wish you the best. I'm six years past that point and even with bc, couldn't be happier. Caryn
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Just read your Bio....you children will understand...one of the great things about the internet...they know more than they should!
I didn't see What state you live in...I was going to do some research for you....but you Should seek counsel...100% protect yourself at all times.... -
These ladies are giving you very right-on advice. You are in a very tough situation, and whatever direction you choose to go in you probably should know your legal situation..
Plus hope your health and healing continues to improve! -
A good site to visit regarding custodial rights is www.deltabravo.net
Go to the articles area first and then move on from there. Yes, the site leans more towards helping fathers get custody (partial or full) with their children but at least this will help you see what you might be up against.
I do also agree that you need to see a divorce attorney to see what your legal rights are but more important you need to see a family law attorney that deals with child custody. Do know that if you file for divorce you will be paying a hefty fee to have the custody papers drawn up, etc. if this is going to be a contentious battle between the two of you.
IMHO - please do not let what he has done to you impact how the children are going to be treated in this divorce situation if that is what you decide to do. In other words right now you probably hate his guts and you are really ticked off but remember the children are a separate issue and should be treated as such. He may have been a horrible husband but that doesn't mean he is a horrible father necessarily. The two issues don't go hand in hand in most cases. If your children love their father and he is a good dad to them then they need to have that relationship with him.
I say this because in many situations one parent is so angry at the other parent that they use the children as pawns and the children do end up hating that parent that used them to get back at the other parent.
I am in no way, shape, or form saying that you will do this or that this is your plan. I am strictly here to try to help you get through this emotional devastating situation but trying to help you keep your eyes open on the big picture which is very difficult when you are dealing with all of this.
If you could tell us what state you are in then I could send some more links your way.
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Do you think he is being adament about not moving out and keeping the children in order to keep you in the relationship? Is he asking you to stay or playing a game with you so that he won't look like the bad guy?
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Thanks again, everyone, for the advice and the food for thought.
Battling cancer (and all the other medical events I had last year) made me stronger. I know you all can relate to that statement. I'm far stronger than he is, that's for sure. I'm just in a difficult spot.
In answer to some questions: Yes, on the one hand, he surely does not want to lose the facade of the "good family man" and the "all-around nice guy". But, mostly, his concern is all about himself and, by extension, his kids. If I were gone, he'd be happier, as long as he has his kids. I can see clearly now that I have been useful to him and nothing more. (For the record, although I'm using the word "kids," the oldest two are in their teens.)
It's not about revenge for me. It's all about protection. If the kids were grown, I would've filed for divorce immediately, walked away, and never looked back. (How I wish I could do that!) Because they're still young and living under our roof, I'm concerned for their well-being. I now know for sure that I'm married to a sociopath. Knowing what I know now, I can never trust him fully again, even as a father. I cannot trust that he won't go further off the deep end and bring strangers into our house - and around our kids - if I'm not around. The kids adore him, but they don't know the real him, and I don't want them to ever know. Their whole world would come crashing down. Then again, I also don't want them to turn out like him. So, I find myself protecting them - and everyone else in the family - just like with the breast cancer - I know you all can relate.
I had suspicions for a long, long time that he was unfaithful, but I never could find solid, undeniable evidence until 7 months ago. I was shocked at the double life he was leading and am completely disgusted by his behavior. I told him the marriage is over, but he needs to think about the kids. He agreed to go to counseling, but he stopped going after a short time.
I'm glad to have been able to vent here and receive your feedback! Lots of thinking to do...
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I can imagine how angry you are at your husband (ex) and you should. I don't believe though by staying in this marriage you are protecting your children. If he is a good father and they adore him that is what is important to them. I think you are going to drive yourself crazy by staying in the marriage with all this hate and disgust. At the end of the day, the children are his children too.
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Life- Only you know your husband and what he is capable of, so if you are worried about there well being, then im sure there is a good enough reason for this. I agree with others though that you should get an attorney that way you know what the laws are in your state. I am glad to see that while your husband is up to no good that your not bad mouthing him in front of them and dont want them to know what a real jerk he is. In time im sure they will figure that out on there own. Hugs!
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I too had a husband leading a double life and then lying about it when he was finally caught ( I found out the day after his latest mistress had his baby). Due to his lies of it having been a one night stand, we "tried" to work it out for a year, before I finally realised he was still lying and still sleeping with his mistress. Best thing I ever did was kick him out of my house and my life. Admittedly I didnt have kids (I had several miscarriages) but living in the same house as him over that year caused me to suffer hugely from depression, life was literally hell and I only got some sort of peace once I kicked him out for good. I no longer speak to him or any member of his family and the thought of him fills me with disgust, though the hatred isnt there anymore which is probably because I dont have to deal with him on any issue anymore.
Life isnt easy that first year or two of being single again and even now (4 years later) Im still not interested in finding someone else, but you do have your childrens love and Im sure their respect and so long as you can get medical insurance arranged, I think its safe to say your life will be alot less stressful if you give him the boot.
As a side note when I found out about his double life, I spent 3 days completely shut down, not eating or sleeping, just crying. Then 6 months after he left for good, I was dx with BC. Rightly or wrongly my mother blames my ex for the BC lolz.
I really hope you can work things out so that you can get on with living your own life. Life is too short for anyone to be living in misery and with such a constant reminder of the pain and disillusionment and I would have said that even if we werent all here in BCO for a reason.
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I left four years ago this coming fall, it was a tough time, today I am happy living on my own, I have peace in my life...
a good site for you to check out is www.divorce360.com
Sending you good vibes
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Although I am sad that anyone else has had to go through this same ordeal, I am glad to hear everything worked out for you (Lyndal and Natee) in the long run and that you're happy now.
I've been reading the posts over on that divorce forum, and it's so sad to see what other people are going through.
Well, my first step has to be to secure some source of income for myself. That is what I've been looking into recently. (I still need more surgery, too.) While I work on those steps, I'll be thinking about my next move.
Thank you again to all of you!
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It'll work out for you as well
Take your time if you can and do what you need to do, you're a strong lady
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