Aging Parents Anonymous

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  • karen1956
    karen1956 Member Posts: 6,503
    edited March 2012

    Hi Kathy.....I think things are status quo with my folks...they met with an elder attorney a couple weeks ago to finalized all the important documents.....Dad is going to the "day care" 3 times/week...they gave Mom and Dad 3 days for the price of 2.....Mom is struggling with her health issues...nothing major, but she doesn't like not being able to do what she used to....I was hoping to go the end of the month, but with it being spring break air fares are sky high....so it will be at least the latter part of April till I can go.....my DH has a show in N. FL in May and he is thinking about driving the 3 1/2 hours to spend the week-end with my folks....haven't said anything to them yet....will wait till he irons out the detaisl...I know Dad would really like that...Mom too.....Do you leave on your trip next week?

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  • wahine
    wahine Member Posts: 8,231
    edited March 2012

    Hi Karen, Yes my DD gets here on the 22nd, and we leave on the 23rd. Can't wait, but lots to get done before then! Have been doing lots more for my parents, since my moms memory keeps declining. Leaves all the cooking, etc for my dad to do. But I am impressed that she always dresses so nice every day, and looks really classy (much better than me...I just throw anything on). So I have been either taking her shopping to get their huge list of things, or helping do things for my dad, mostly. She hasn't started painting yet. I just hope they will be ok while I am gone, even though my DH will be here, and he loves them and would do anything for them. I know they would not ask for help as quickly prolly, from him, as they would  with me. They both used the treadmill we just bought, already. They have a beautiful lake and neighborhood to walk around, but I am the same....seems quicker to jump on my treadmill.

    Glad your dad is going to "day care" for a few days/week....gives your mom a break! Hope your DH will be able to see them in May! Yes, fares are so high now...and I heard they will not go down for awhile...less competition since so many airlines have merged. I got our VT plane tix, and then the Vegas plane tix (Vegas one yesterday), and I think I will see if they went down today or not. Sometimes midweek is a good time to check.

    Take care! Kathy

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  • althea
    althea Member Posts: 1,595
    edited March 2012

    karen, your parents sounds like they're making some important strides in a good direction.  It will be so beneficial to your mom to have some time for herself while your dad receives care elsewhere 3 times a week.  I hope it's something that they can settle into and feel content for a while.  Sending good vibes your way! 

    Kathy, that is awesome that your parents are using the treadmill!  I hope you can really enjoy your time with them.  They sound adorable.  

    Things with my mom are status quo I guess.  Her cardiologist wants her to increase the digoxin dose.  She did and felt lousy and lost weight.  Her primary care has sent in his new PA the last two visits.  So he's new and getting up to speed.  He's the only one, to my knowledge, who's ordered a lab on her digoxin level.  Mom clocked in with .3 and the range is .6 to 3.0.  ...but since no one ever bothered with this test before, who knows if that's out of the ordinary?  

    The PA also ordered and EKG.  He came in with the results, all concerned that 'she's all over the place.'  So I asked, how does it compare with the previous one?  This time last year, her EKG was nearly identical.  "Oh, well, maybe this is normal for her."  

    So in the meantime, I'm putting mom on the higher dose for a week.  She sees the cardiologist next week.  If she feels like crap again and losing her appetite, they'll be hard pressed to convince me she needs that higher dose.  On the other hand, maybe she'll do better this time with the higher dose.  The saga of daughter dueling with doctors continues....   lol

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  • karen1956
    karen1956 Member Posts: 6,503
    edited March 2012

    Both my folks saw the PCP yesterday....More of less status quo....PCP upped Mom's Ativan....when I asked Mom, she said 3 x day, but she didn't know dose but would tell me when she picked up Rx.....glad she is going to take it....she's been resistive to taking the 1 x day...PCP said told her its not good to walk around in a constant state of anxiety.....PCP also told her she just has to learn to deal/accept things....Mom was complaining about having to open/close the walker for Dad every time they get in and out of the car...PCP said just accept it....Dad doesn't like the day care place (he's been going for several months) and so now Mom is trying to look at other options (and I don't think they are really good, but she has to fiigure it out)...this is after they are giving her a discount....when MOm called to say Dad wasn't going yesterday, they told Mom that all Dad wants to do is sleep and that he was beligerant the other day.....I don't MOm that this is a place for people with dementia that they need to figure it out....Mom also took Dad to the pool and he didn't want to get in the water...this frustrated MOm....she is just worn out.....I'm thinking that in home might be better as Mom would have more flexibility with her schedule and then they could take Dad to the pool or other activitities and Mom wouldn't have to deal with it...BUT no matter what Mom does, she will always second guess the choices and how its going....Dad just really doesn't want to do anything....except he wants to go on vacation!!!  Mom just sounded so down yesterday....I will call her tonight....

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  • otter
    otter Member Posts: 6,099
    edited March 2012

    (dusting off a heart-wrenching but valuable thread...)

    I'm afraid it won't be long before we lose my last surviving "parent" -- my dear MIL.

    We were out to visit her 2 wks ago for her 90th birthday party, and she was not feeling well.  Tired, lack of appetite, and a mucousy cough (is that an adjective?).  Her home healthcare folks talked to her PCP and said to increase her "breathing treatments" (albuterol from a nebulizer), so we did; but it really didn't help much.

    She held things together for the birthday party, but that evening she was running a mild fever. The next day was Sunday, and we were going to take her to the Urgent Care Clinic; but her home healthcare folks sent her PCP's physician's assistant to the apartment instead.  She ordered an antibiotic (for possible, though not certain, pneumonia), and more breathing treatments.  Oh, and "drink more fluids!".

    That's the main problem. MIL does not like drinking fluids -- never has. Turns out, she has a prolapsed bladder, which the PA said is like "sitting on a tennis ball" when it fills up (sorry, TMI). And, she has bladder incontinence and wears Depends, which she's loathe to change. Her solution is to not drink fluids.

    We got home from the birthday trip a week ago today, and the very next morning she was taken to the hospital because of her persistent cough. They put her on i.v. fluids for awhile, determined that she did not have pneumonia -- just bronchitis with sticky, tenacious mucus -- and sent her home with a different breathing treatment.  And orders to "drink more fluids." Right.

    With the respiratory illness, her puny appetite has dropped to nothing at all. We could always depend on her nibbling a little from each meal; but now she sets the food aside or stows it in the fridge to turn green (sorry, TMI).  She won't go to the dining hall (retirement home) anymore, so her home health aide fixes her things in her kitchen; but once prepared, they sit on her tray uneaten. "I guess I'm just not hungry."

    Her weight has dropped from 120 lbs. last year to 113 last fall to 106 yesterday. At 5 ft 8 in, that's starvation.

    The hospitalization last week was the 5th time in slightly more than a year that she'd been taken to the hospital because of weakness, dehydration, malnourishment, and either breathing difficulties or a bad UTI.

    Everyone is alarmed, but no one knows what to do.  It's obvious to everybody that she could solve most of her medical problems herself if she would eat a little more and drink some fluids.  But, she refuses, because she's "not hungry" and doesn't want that pesky urine in her bladder.  So, she's wasting away.

    Except for some arthritis in her hip, she's really not unhealthy (aside from the starvation and dehydration, of course).  She has a wonderful apartment in an independent-living retirement center, which she loves and refuses to leave.  She has two children, two grandchildren, one great-grandchild, and another great-grandchild on the way.  So, why is she doing this to herself???

    otter

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  • wahine
    wahine Member Posts: 8,231
    edited March 2012

    Oh Otter, I have tears in my eyes reading your post. So, so sad to hear that your MIL is wasting away, and almost by choice. Wish they could do something about her bladder, so she could drink more and not feel so bad. But I guess that would involve surgery, and not a good thing to do with how frail she is right now. Really breaks my heart. Sounds like her mind is okay, and it is so sad to hear this. How is your DH handling this? And the rest of the family? Must just break everyone's hearts. I haven't written as much lately, but been reading the posts. My parents are here now, and so far are doing really well. Then when I read this, I also realize they could go anytime, and that breaks my heart too. We just can't take any day for granted. I am so glad you shared this with us, and please do write more when you can. And no, none of that was "TMI"...things we all are (or will) be dealing with. When you asked "So, why is she doing this to herself???". I guess there is no answer to that, and I know you said it rhetorically (sp?), but that IS a good question. I almost think that at that age, when you start declining, you probably lose the will to fight it. I know when I am sick, I don't care about anything, so I think maybe it is like that. I had a procedure at the hospital yesterday, and the darn meds I took (lortab on empty tummy) made me feel so sick, that if someone suggested a marvelous trip but I would have to leave right then, I would not have cared to go at all. So I think when we get older, and have lost so many loved ones, and we do not feel good, it might be hard to try to fight it and force yourself to eat, etc. I just hate that she is sick, and that it does not look good. So hard on all that love her. My prayers are with you all, and I pray for her to have comfort and no pain. (((Otter))), big hugs for you. Please post again soon.

    Hugs, Kathy

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  • althea
    althea Member Posts: 1,595
    edited March 2012

    So sorry to hear about your mil's current state otter.  Does she have that thing... .... ... failure to thrive I think it's called.  I know what a challenge it is when there's lack of appetite and a person needs to gain weight.  Story of my life with mom for the last 18 months.  Is there anyone she can eats meals with?  Eating alone is just going to make her appetite diminish even more imo. 

    I just got back from taking mom to the cardiologist.  Over the last week she went back on the higher dose of digoxin that was recommended and this time she's been having dizzy spells.  Last time it was feeling lousy and loss of appetite.  Her heart activity is in a 'grey' area.  Her heart rate is too fast, but clearly more meds to correct it are not bringing a benefit to outweigh the side effects.  So she's back on the lower dose and no more dueling with the doctors on this topic.  

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  • karen1956
    karen1956 Member Posts: 6,503
    edited March 2012

    Jo....I have POA....My folks just did all the legal stuff necessary....but right now my Mom can really still make the decisions....She is sending Dad 3 x week to the program...I keep reminding Mom that its not just for Dad but for her too.....I think sometimes she just needs to vent.....Some days are better for Mom than others.....Yesterday she sounded good...

    Otter...I'm so sorry to hear about your MIL...its never easy....

    Althea.....sorry that your Mom can't get her meds stabilized to feel good

    So glad that we have this thread....who ever thought our bc support group would also become a "parent" support group....Love you all

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  • wahine
    wahine Member Posts: 8,231
    edited April 2012

    How is everyone (and parents and in-laws) doing? Want to keep this thread going, and hoping it has been quiet here because everyone is doing alright. My parents are doing fine, my mom knows she is very forgetful now, but is ok with it (Thank God!). I am very grateful that my Dad (95) can still do all the cooking, finances, and repairs, etc. They have been in their home nearby since the 3rd week of Feb, and will leave the 3rd wk of May. We all are going to Vermont just for a fun trip to see that area, in a couple of wks. REALLY hoping you all are doing well.

    Hugssssssss,

    Kathy

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  • karen1956
    karen1956 Member Posts: 6,503
    edited April 2012

    Hi Kathy....I also want to keep this thread going....Mom was having a hard day today....Dad had a bowel accident for the 2nd time in a week after none in over a month...Dad has been really cranky the past week....Mom called today, but really didn't want to talk....I probably won't be going to FL till early June....too hard this month and DH is going to visit them for 1 1/2 days the beginning of May....DD#2 and I will go together and hopefully mom will go away for a couple days with my DD and I'll stay with Dad....But I'm worried about Mom....she is stressed to the max...her counselor has been sick and this week is on vacation so Mom hasn't been able to talk with her and Mom misses that....Kathy...glad that your folks are having a good visit.

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  • wahine
    wahine Member Posts: 8,231
    edited April 2012

    Oh Karen, that is SO hard, esp when you are far away. The good thing is that your mom knows how much you care and love them,. So when she calls but doesn't want to talk, it probably reassures her that you will listen; even if nothing is settled, she knows you are there for her, and will give her all the support you can. Glad that your DH will get to see them soon, and you will be there in June. Poor dear, she is so stressed and can't even talk to her counselor. Like you mentioned to me earlier, she may be extra-stressed since she couldn't be there for Passover with you, and she knows how hard it would be to try to go anywhere. Just be there for her, and support her and give her your undying love. I can imagine it is hard for her to clean up after her spouse, like he is a child. I hope she gives herself a pat on the back, because she is doing a LOT, and under a lot of stress.

    Yeah, my parents are having a good visit. They just love their place here so much. Tomorrow I will go paint with her, and HOPE she can get started on another big painting, like she wants to. Well that is, she wants to UNTIL she tries to start! Then it doesn't come naturally, as it used to. We had fun at the ballet yesterday, and were in "lower balcony" which meant walking up 2 flights of stairs to the top balcony, then down to the front of the balcony.Quite steep.  I am always amazed that she can do that by herself. She looks at things with wonder, like she has never done that before. Very thankful they are still healthy.

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  • Cindyl
    Cindyl Member Posts: 1,194
    edited April 2012

    Sometimes, I honestly don't know what I'm going to do.  I've been Mom's caregiver for the last 5 years or so.  She has MS and is confined to a wheelchair.  Not able to transfer on her own, or really anything else.  She goes to an adult daycare while I work my "real" job.  Then in the evenings and on weekends I take over.  Or I did before cancer.  I'm no supposed to lift her (she weighs about 100 lbs) so we need to have a caregiver come in whenever she needs to go to the bathroom or to get her into or out of bed.  All the extra care hours are getting expensive and I must admit the other stuff (meals and laundry and all those things I can still do are getting old too) 

    She doesn't want to go into a nursing home and I understand that, but argh... I don't know how those of you who have kids and aging parents do it.

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  • wahine
    wahine Member Posts: 8,231
    edited April 2012

    (((((Cindyl))))). My heart goes out to you, that is a tough job to do, along with all your other responsibilities. I don't know how they do it either, but someone may pop in here that has some tips. I know its hard to do, but I hope you are making time to take care of yourself too! You are giving your mother a gift that is priceless.....your time and caretaking. But you can only do so much.

    Hugsssssss,

    Kathy

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  • otter
    otter Member Posts: 6,099
    edited April 2012

    This thread really helped me, so I'd like to keep it going, too.

    Cindyl, what you're trying to do is enormously difficult. Nobody "wants" to go into a nursing home, but for most people, there comes a point where family members just can't provide the at-home care anymore.  That point comes earlier or later depending on so many variables. Things like emotions -- loyalty, guilt, commitment -- and money, of course -- keep people out of nursing homes.  But, sometimes it's love that puts them in a nursing home after all. 

    I know how hard it was for my mom to accept that she could no longer care for my dad at home. To me, though, it was a huge relief when Mom finally agreed that Dad should not come home after his 2nd hospitalization in 3 weeks for dehydration and malnourishment.  I no longer had to worry that Mom didn't have the strength to help him get out of bed or stand up from the commode, or that she would be unable to convince him to eat or drink anything.  She was spending much of their time together scolding him out of frustration, and I was sure the nursing home staff would know better how to deal with dementia patients (which they did).  The quitting point is something each family has to decide on its own, and nobody should be made to feel guilty if they have to pull back and let others take over the care. 

    Money is the key for so many families, even once they decide skilled care is needed.  My husband and I are fortunate that our parents planned ahead and saved enough or invested in long term care plans "just in case."  That "just in case" happened for my dad, and for both my husband's parents. Our families weren't wealthy at all -- just school teachers, accountants, etc., but they were able to pay for their own care as long as it was needed (given that they all had good healthcare coverage in addition).

    Anyway, I guess I'm rambling.  I haven't been here for awhile, and I apologize.  My mother-in-law is doing pretty well.  Things have stabilized.  I think she had a terrible cold/flu virus that took several weeks to overcome.  (I had it, too; and it was 2 weeks before I felt halfway normal.)  We switched her at-home assistance to a different company that isn't quite so expensive but will still provide the help she needs (some assistance with meals, help catching up with laundry, rides to doctor appointments). She is also getting physical therapy and a visiting nurse once or twice a week, covered by Medicare and her insurance.  She seems happy again, so we're happy again.

    Karen, it's so hard to know what to do for someone like your mom. She probably does call to hear your voice or to let go of her frustrations.  My mom did that a lot -- she would call and tell me all the bad things that had happened to her or her siblings or my sister, and I would think, "ENOUGH already!"; but I suspect (now, in retrospect) that she really just wanted to vent. So many times I hung up the phone angry with her, rather than sympathetic, and thinking her call (or mine to her) hadn't done either of us any good.  I still wonder if talking to me ever helped her.

    But, you have to try, yes?  Even if your mom doesn't sound like she wants to talk, maybe she called just to check in and hear your voice.  Sometimes that's all it takes.

    Hugs to everyone here...

    otter

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  • karen1956
    karen1956 Member Posts: 6,503
    edited April 2012

    Otter...thanks....I know often Mom calls to vent and that is really okay with me...the other day was the first time that she said she really didn't want to talk and the funny thing is she is the one who called me....I have talked to her every day this week....today and yesterday were better days.....I know Mom is hurting...so I try to call several times a week....I am okay with mom venting....I try to be there for her the best I can....today she made a comment like I'll see you whenver...can't remember the exact thing and it wasn't mean, it just told me that she misses me...its been 2 months since I was there....I probably won't get there till early June.....my DH has a trade show in FL in early May and he is going 1 1/2 days early so he can spend time with my parents...I know Mom is happy that he is coming, but its not the same as me....I want my DD#2 to come with me (she ususally goes by herself to visit grandma and papa) and I'll stay with Dad for a couple days and let Mom go way for a couple days with her granddaughter...I think that would do Mom a world of good.....I just worry down the road when MOm needs more help what the right thing to do will be...Mom loves the community she lives in....but I don't spend much time worrying about it.....I need to stay in the present....and take care of me as well as my folks....Never imagined being a part of the sandwich generation!!!!  I'm still raising kids and now helping take care of my parents (even though its long distance).....oh welll....I can't complain as I feel lucky to still have my parents...my DH lost his father over 28 years ago.....

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  • karen1956
    karen1956 Member Posts: 6,503
    edited April 2012

    Called my parents today to wish them a happy anniversary....was taking to Mom and she was telling me about her visit with the neurologist yesterday....he asked Mom what she would do if something happened to Dad....and Mom said find another man (now that surprised the heck out of me)....and neurologist said you don't want that...you don't want to be a caretaker again...move to Denver and have lunch once a week with your DD!!!!  I would like Mom to move here when she couldn't live in her apt anymore...it would be so much easier to help her in town...but thats a ways off for now!!!

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  • wahine
    wahine Member Posts: 8,231
    edited April 2012

    Awwww Karen, that shows that your mom has not lost her spunk! What a cute answer.....but smart of the dr to suggest she should move to be by you. I hope your dad is doing okay! Nice that your DH will be there soon and get to see them, and see how they are doing. Are you still going in June? I keep making travel plans with my parents going with us, and am very thankful they can still do that. RIght now we will take them to Vermont in a few days for a week, then the end of Aug we'll go on a cruise to Bermuda, from Baltimore, then to FL in Sept.  They used to buy the insurance, but don't do that anymore, so I'm just hoping they will be ok for all these trips.

    Otter, Such a good post, with good advice!

    I meant to write more about the posts above, but am quite busy tonight. Just wanted to mostly pop in and say hi to everyone!

    Hugsssssss,

    Kathy

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  • karen1956
    karen1956 Member Posts: 6,503
    edited April 2012

    Mom called today to say that Dad had a lot of diarrhea today and the "day care" place he goes says that dad has been "peeing alot"...so Mom has an appt at the PCP for Dad tomorrow.....Dad says he hasn't been peeing that much but Mom figures with his memory she will trust the worker who called her....Will let you know what the PCP says tomorrow.....My Mom's favorite comment lately is either, its just one day at a time, or its always something!!!

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  • wahine
    wahine Member Posts: 8,231
    edited April 2012

    Karen, I'm so glad your mom was able to get an appt with the PCP so quickly. Hope your dad is ok, and that is not a sign of an illness. YES, your mom is wise to believe what the worker said. Since your dad's memory is not so good, it is hard for him to remember things like that. My mom confuses me a lot. Like today we were shopping and I found a beautiful LARGE frame for an oil painting, but it was an odd size, so would have to make the stretched canvas for it. I decided I didn't want to go to all that trouble, and asked my mom if she wanted to buy it (it was a great price)...she said "yes!". A few minutes later I wanted to make sure, and then she said "No, I don't want that". So I still kept it in my cart and asked her again, on the way to the checkout, and this time she really wanted it. (I'm glad she still wants to paint). SHEESH! So I just have to hope she keeps receipts in case she later thinks she didn't want whatever it was that she bought! I am not complaining though....I always tell cashiers, etc how old she is (after she is out of hearing range), and they cannot believe it. She looks and acts much younger. Only problem is the failing memory.

    Karen, Let us know how your dad's appt goes, tomorrow. Hoping all is good!

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  • karen1956
    karen1956 Member Posts: 6,503
    edited April 2012

    Called Mom today to see how the doctor appt went for Dad...Mom sounded so helpless!!!!  She did not see their PCP, but the partner who used to be Mom's doc, but she switched to who Dad sees as Mom doesn't like this doc....Doc took an UA to check for infection....no B/P or anything else....said that Dad looked good and he wasn't in any pain....no mention of the diarrhea....Mom just said what can I do, I had no choice!!!!!   ugh!!!!  She has no clue how often Dad is going, but she is giving lomotil (think thats what it is)....Right now she is just feeling sooooo overwhelmed...Mom is having continuing gait issues which is really getting her down...she goes to PT, but no overall improvement...Mom says that when she is stressed the gait is worse....Mom saw her counselor today...said that the counselor makes her feel better, but the counselor is saying to send Dad to the "day care" 5 days a week so Mom can have time for herself...this is stressing Mom and Mom feels that 3 days/week is good, that they need time to do things together and time for medical appts......I'm glad that my DH will be there on the 6th for 1 1/2 day but yet feeling like I need to be there.....definitely going to go for a week as soon as school gets out....going to write Mom's counselor tonight and see how she is seeing Mom now.....ITs so hard and I don't know where to push with MOm and where to trust her judgement......

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  • wahine
    wahine Member Posts: 8,231
    edited April 2012

    Oh Karen, big HUGS (((((KAREN))))) for you, dear. It is so hard being far away and trying to help. I hate what happened today with the dr your mom doesn't like, and how he didn't really check much on your dad. VERY stressful, I can understand why your mom feels so stressed out. I am sure they don't want to move, but wouldn't it be a big help to them if they were closer to you. Glad you are going to write to her counselor. Also, is there any way that you can call their regular PCP, tell him the symptoms your dad has, and ask if there should be further tests? Tell him what the other dr checked. The GOOD thing, is that your mom trusts you, and lets you know what is going on (to the best of her interpretation). Maybe someone on this thread  will think of something that could help!

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  • karen1956
    karen1956 Member Posts: 6,503
    edited April 2012

    Mom sounded better today....Dad is getting to go to the senior day care 5 days/week for free....Mom was feeling more optimistic about it...not sure that Dad will go 5 days, but atleast that is one less financial burden.....I talked to Mom about how she was feeling about the doctor visit yesterday and told her to tell her PCP...she didn't have the UA results back and she will call again Monday....Mom is also frustrated with her continuing gait problems....she has always been active and having  trouble walking really gets her down....But she sounded better today....my anniversary card arrived late today and she was happy to have the pictures...I'll talk to Mom on Sunday....I'm going to go for a week in June as soon as school gets out,...I want to be there on week days...hopefully I can meet her counselor...and btw I didn't write the counselor...might do it on Sunday.....DH will be with my folks next Sunday and Monday and then Tuesday he leaves for his show...so he will get a handle on whats going on.....

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  • susan_02143
    susan_02143 Member Posts: 7,209
    edited June 2012

    Reviving this thread to moan. Forget my MIL's Alzheimers, or even my husbands, this is about my parents.

    My mother has fallen. She fell down her stairs. Her doctor today [three days after the fall] says she has a surface fracture of her tibia. Within two hours of the fall my sister arrived at the house and took my Dad, returning him today. On her way back, with my Dad, they did her weekly errands including buying food at Walmart. As they travelled the aisles, my father explained that this was an airline hanger, and he was going to be called back in service since WW2 had just begun. This is a man who was about 8 when that war ended.

    For some reason, okay, I know the reason, SHEAR stubbornness, she told me not to come today. For the first time in 53 years, I heard "I made a mistake."

    So I will head north at 6am tomorrow morning, pick them up, go to the brace fitting guy who only comes to the area for one hour per week, and then stay with them until we can figure out a plan. Then I will try to figure out what I can do to help. In a place where help means failure.

    My mother has let herself get totally out of shape. She works about 60 hrs a week while being a fulltime caretaker for a man who thinks the second world war is underway, and imagines that his wife is his mother. Oh, this rant only scratches the surface of what is happening.

    This feels like the beginning of the downward spiral. Just needed to rant,

    *susan* 

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  • wahine
    wahine Member Posts: 8,231
    edited June 2012

    Susan, I feel like crying....my heart goes out to you. Rant all you want to. My parents are not that bad yet (although they are 91 and 95), but I know that day may come. When my mom falls (which she did when we all flew up to VT for a trip, in May)....she somehow "rolls". I mean she fell flat on her back from coming out of a business, and she just did not get hurt. I have seen her fall so often, and it scares the dickens out of me. But she has not broken any bones. Right now they are actually selling their house in HI, and will prolly  move here (they have a home here too, for visiting us). I know if something happens to my mom first, that my dad will prolly want to move back to HI, but we'll face that, if/when the time comes. RIght now, I have no plan in place, and no ideas other than doing whatever I can to help them.

    I hope your mom's fracture will heal totally!!! My 97 yo aunt fell again a month ago (first fall was last Nov), and after getting out of the hospital, she is doing therapy right now. She broke her leg the first time, and I can't remember if they said she broke her leg again, or her hip....but I was amazed at how she healed and was still able to get around. So I have big hopes for your mom's recovery too!

    OH my, I am praying that you will come up with a good plan for your parents, and they will be in agreement to whatever you come up with. No way could she care for your dad by herself, now, after her fall. And it must have been so hard on her, even before this. Caretaking is such a full time job, and when he thinks she is his mother, that makes it even harder. Oh dear. And you have your MIL and your husband to take care of too. I know you are strong, but I also hope you will find time to take care of yourself through all this.  WIsh I could do something. But I will keep your parents in my prayers. BE safe driving tomorrow. How far away do they live? Best of everything to you, and please let us know what you come up with, and how they are doing when you get there.

    Big HUGS ((((( Susan))))),

    Kathy

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  • althea
    althea Member Posts: 1,595
    edited June 2012

    Susan, I hope your mom makes a good recovery from her fall.  Does she live near you? 

    Wahine, I hope your parents settle in nicely after their move.  It must be very hard on them to let go of their home, but I imagine you'll rest easier having them nearby.  

    My mom got a pretty good report from the cardiologist yesterday.  She continues to have frequent 'episodes'.  Heart beats too fast, or too slow.  The pacemaker prevents it from going too slow.  The meds keep it from going too fast.  He told her to come back in a year.  And he even made some inquiries about how good is her memory, does she ever feel lost. 

    Her mental clarity was of great concern to me two years ago when a round of cipro for a uti had her nearly bedridden.  Her memory is better now.  Her last uti was almost 11 months ago.  She tends to get one in July, and I'd be so happy if we can crack a whole year infection free.  Cognition is sort of shaky, but even that is better as the gap since her last round of antibiotics gets longer and longer.  I continue to be her chauffeur and personal chef, and for now that's enough. 

    I don't spend much time here these days as I continue my education in integrative nutrition and launch my new career.  I'm glad to see this thread still bubbling to the top every now and then.  

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  • susan_02143
    susan_02143 Member Posts: 7,209
    edited June 2012

    There is some irony here you know. The metastic cancer girl is the one taking care of a Mother who has become totally helpless. No more than 10 minutes between calls to help, keep my father from wandering off or invading the kitchen, making three meals a day, plus doing all the driving to appointments. After two full days, I am completely and totally exhausted.

    Sister No 3 will arrive next week. She is between jobs and since my parents pay all her living expenses, she is the logical person to camp out here for the 7-8 weeks recovery will take.

    My father is in bed with several layers of clothing under his PJ's just in case the Navy calls him tonight and activates his papers. The man is 81. I think the phone will be quiet tonight. And did I mention the outside air tonight is 91º and we are on the Canadian border? There is no AC?

    Maybe it could be worse, but if so, I might not be strong enough to manage it.

    *susan* 

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  • wahine
    wahine Member Posts: 8,231
    edited June 2012

    Ohhhh, that is sad your father is so confused, but I also find it sweet that he cares so much for his country, that he thinks he needs to be "ready" to be called up. I cannot comprehend what you are doing right now, as I just know it would be so overwhelming. GLAD your other sis will be there in a few days, but you gotta keep up YOUR health till then, too. I wish you at least had a/c!  I think someday you will look back at this time, and be so thankful you were able to be there for your parents. Right now, well, thats another story! I am learning from what you are going through, and my heart goes out to you.

    edit: I forgot to ask how your mom is doing. Is she healing well?

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  • susan_02143
    susan_02143 Member Posts: 7,209
    edited June 2012

    We are settling into a routine here and things are looking a bit brighter. In spite of the vast cost, my father will go to a 'nursing home' tomorrow where he will stay for at least the short term. He is totally unaware of my mother's broken leg. The walker, crutches and brace just don't register at all. Of course he also thinks my Mother is his Mother, a woman who died when I was 10. At least, today he isn't seeing fighter jets going overhead. And he isn't wearing his long underwear under his pants. The fact of the matter is, his needs are too great right now and he needs to be in a safe place where people will take care of him. He has been to this facility after surgery once, but has no memory of those 6 months.

    The living room is set up as a studio apartment. My mother is back to her work [journalist] and though she isn't able to take pictures out in the world, she is conducting interviews over the phone.

    Still a lot of decluttering to do before Sister No 3 arrives on Wednesday. Sister No 3 is pretty lazy, so I need to get things organized before she comes. Plus she is bringing her 4 bunnies and two cats. And the two pens of bunnies have to be separated. [Kill me now!]

    *susan* 

    p.s. Hard to tell about healing. She is not allowed to have ANY weight on that leg for 8 weeks. The doctor doesn't want to see her before then which I find very odd. 

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  • wahine
    wahine Member Posts: 8,231
    edited June 2012

    Thank God that things are settling down, Susan! I have been so worried about you! (As have others!). Very smart to put your Dad in a nursing home for awhile, till things settle down. AND I am so impressed that your mom is a journalist and is BACK to interviewing people. Awesome! Glad she still has her drive and can do that. Sounds like you have done a world of good since you got there! Funny about the bunnies, though! YOU are a real trooper!!!!

    I may not have mentioned, but I FINALLY convinced my dad to sell their home in HI, and move into their home here in AL, even if temporary. They have only been back in HI for a month, today. BUT he had his surgery, got a handyman to do some repairs (even had to have the front of house re-leveled), go everything so neat, got truckfuls of stuff taken to Salvation Army. Got the house listed, and SOLD IT the first day!!!! It is by one of the most awesome, semi-private beaches in the world, so it was really LOCATION, LOCATION, LOCATION. This has been very stressful for him, since my mom is so forgetful, that he ends up doing all the cooking, cleaning, etc. SO, he is 95, she is 91. I asked if they wanted me to come and help out, and YES they do. I was thinking of a wk or two, they want me there a month. SO, even though this was my time to TRY to get things done at our house before they come here, looks like I will be going to HI in a few days. They close the end of July, so not sure if they want me there past closing, or till just before. This weekend they went to their beach condo on the other side of the island, which they will keep. I think  they needed to RELAX!!!! But, I am thankful for their health, and how well they are doing. I know my dad WILL NOT want to say he is living in AL, since he has always lived in HI, so that will be good that they still have their condo there.

    OK, thats my news! SO glad things are looking up, Susan! Still very hard, and I know its hard to see how your dad doesn't know whats going on, but you are doing the right thing, and he will be taken care of, and your mom can heal! How long will you be there?

    Hugs to all of you galz!

    Kathy

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  • mumito
    mumito Member Posts: 4,562
    edited June 2012

    My mother has Alzheimers and my 86 year old father still takes care of herin their own house.She seems to be stable at this level no shortterm memory but can still remember who everyone in her family is.Just not the recent additions.My father is always asking about my health and I am reluctant to tell him because he is already dealing with enough stress in his life.Told him to stop worrying about  his children because they are all Adults capable of handling their own problems.

    Here they have homecare nurses comming in daily and a housecleaner who pops in weekly but my dad refuses to give up his cooking responsibilities.So I always bring him new easy healthy recipies whenever I fly in to visit.

    The first sign that my mom had which is common for Alzheimers was a personality change that was quite odvious.My calm trusting mother started accusing everyone of doing things behind her back.

    I have probably yacked on long enough.Foot in mouth

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