The Would Have or Should Have Thoughts :-(

Chickadee, it's not working for me :-).  I suppose my brain just had to go though some of these thoughts and get them out.  It would have been better to be thinking all that twisted stuff in perhaps a dream while I sleep... oh wait, I don't sleep well with this chemically induced menopause.  Anyway, today was better.  None of these stories my head was making up truly make any real sense other then just being some form of logic.  When I say logic, I'm not saying true, just saying that each step in my treatment lead to another step and there were always other options.  I picked my treatment based on micromets in 2 nodes that were positive.  After surgery, my BS came in and told me the SN was negative and I was way happy.  When the final path came back everything changed.  I know that is how it is with lots of us.  We expect one thing and get another.  Like I mentioned, my head was trying to make sense of it now that it's a year later.  You are right with the "this too shall pass" comment.  My father used to tell me that often.  Boy do I miss him these days :-(. 

Poppy, my BS was actually a person I knew from a previous social group.  I really did trust him and felt he was looking out for my best interest.  He really did a good job, but when I went from great surgery with SN negative to a 2nd surgery for some complications and then a final path with positive nodes the whole situation took a turn.  I did have choices every step of the way.  I guess I just thought it was going to be quick and easy and not what it became.  The MO came into the picture when I had the positive nodes.  I even got a 2nd opinion on both the MO treatment plan and my final pathology.  Maybe I had too my say in my treatment and that is why I was blaming myself for awhile.

So far I don't see any permanent physical damage (other then chemically induced menopause), but emotionally I'm toast.   I have some good days, but it's been 6 months since I've really been what I could call happy.  A lot of this is the aftermath feelings and the fact that my sleep is messed up and I can't correct it.  I've tried a lot of sleep aids and even became physically dependent for awhile.  Fortunately, I was able to see what the drugs were doing and went off them almost entirely.  I had a few weeks of awful withdrawals from the anxiety meds, but now I'm back to more of a as needed basis and I am very careful.  I suppose not having good sleep and the fact that I had to deal with the anxiety situation made things worse.  Who knows... maybe that is way my thoughts went off the deep end for a bit.  You are so right in that it only takes 1 cell to escape.  I will keep that in my mind often and remind myself that the treatment fried that cell.  Maybe if I can convince myself that the chemo saved me rather than messed me up, I can start to look at the better side of life.

It stinks to go though all this to stay alive and then not be enjoying life.

Elizabeth, thanks for the post.  Did you end up doing chemo too?  I had a very "delicate" emotional chemical balance before cancer and now that these treatments are finished, I am way off emotionally.  I found a doctor to talk about meds, but she was all about "what do I want to take."  The ups and downs of this are hitting hard some days.  This morning I went to look at the date of my final pathology just to let my head know that the slides were prepared on the surgery date and the results were 3 days later.  Somehow seeing the dates on the paper helped with my "what ifs."  What is hurting is that even though I understand the grief and loss situation, I have a tendency to obsess about things when they are out of my control.

My husband was pretty good during my treatment time when I was in a good mental state, but now he tells me to go talk to my friends, get a job, find a life.  I know he can't be my "girlfriend" but he isn't supportive of the mental health situation.  He wants me to find a new shrink who I can trust.  I have days when I can barely get to the store to fill our fridge let alone choose a new doctor.  Okay... now I'm rambling.  Here's to hoping that life gets better soon.

Elizabeth, chemo was much easier than rads for me too.  For whatever reason, I had little fatigue and my emotional strength was greater then it had been in years.  Rads was wearing on me.  Driving everyday for a 10 minute appointment and then the fatigue that set in was tremendous.  I've never had that feeling before.  The fatigue eventually turned into some form of depression to the point where I could hardly get out of bed.  I had to push myself to do everything.  That is where the guilt gets tied into my children.  I don't feel much joy now and I think that is very rough on my children.  I'm not real good at pretending either.  Talking to my therapist helps a little, but I also think it's because it's an appointment I have to be at.  If I am constantly distracted from my thoughts that also helps.  Of course I don't have enough people to keep that distraction going.

I'ts frustrating to have gone though all of this treatment, etc. and then wake up in the morning with such dark thoughts.  We've spent all this time working to live and now my mind doesn't want to.  I hate the way I look.  I used to feel young and attractive before this crap.  I didn't mind my periods which are now gone.  I was going though a slow peri-menopause and was fine with the fact that menopause would soon come... just not this way :-(.

I look at tampons and pads in the store and I'm pissed off.  Sounds funny, but it's true.  I don't feel like it's only me in any way, but it hurts so much.  Anyway, I think I'll take a walk now and try to get my head in a better place.

Whatashocker, what your MO and BS said would have really ticked me off.  Our dx are kinda similar, but at 46 at the time everything pointed toward chemo as "insurance" as others have put it.  I think you are right in that the chemo messes with your head.  I think everything to do with cancer messes with our heads.  It's been a year since my dx and I envisioned things to be so different.  It is very difficult to go from being a strong and confident women to someone different.

I try to look in the mirror and smile and every so often I even recognize myself.  I used to have long beautiful hair, nice breasts and a pretty happy household.  Now I have 3" of wavy hair that just isn't me (you'd think I'd be happy now that some hair is around), my breast on my cancer side is now larger and our family life isn't going well.  My husband doesn't get it or if he does, he still wants to run and hide.  Our communication together is now worse then it's ever been.  Okay, I can see this post is going downhill, so I'm signing off for now :-).  Sorry ladies :-(.