Keeping myself distracted is the only thing that keeps me sane.

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stellaratovsky
stellaratovsky Member Posts: 618
edited June 2014 in Just Diagnosed With a Recurrence or Metastasis

Its been 3 weeks since I found out I have bone mets.  Some people say it will get easier to deal with this within time.  I dont agree with that.  I try to do normal things but it seems like that is the only thing on my mind.  My little guy distracts me he is 7 in two weeks and my oldest will be 16 in two weeks.  I do my best to deal with it but at times I break out especially when I just sit there and think of my kids.  I think this is so not cool to live like this.  I try to get myself distracted but it works for a little while than I start thinking about this monster who set camp in my body.  I get my second treatment this thursday I am hoping what ever my onc is giving me that it is working.  My question is with reaccurances can I one day be NED?  My onc said I should be ok and he also said that what I have which is bone mets is not life threating but from reading posts hear how could he say that?

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  • Leah_S
    Leah_S Member Posts: 8,458
    edited June 2012

    Stella, 3 weeks is not a long time to adjust to this. You will gradually learn to live your life without fear in your heart all the time.

    My onc says this is a chronic condition. It can be treated and controlled. That's what I tell myself, and that's how I can go on.

    Will you be NED? Who knows? I've been stable on my current treatment (Femara and Aredia) for 2 years, and as long as I'm stable I'm OK.

    One foot in front of the other.

    Leah

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  • stellaratovsky
    stellaratovsky Member Posts: 618
    edited June 2012

    Thank you Leah. I am glad to hear that you have been stable for 2 years.  I take that anytime.  From what I hear stable is good.  As long as this sucker stays in one spot without moving its great.   It does help to hear other peoples thoughts because I really dont have anyone to talk with.  At my job I got the speech of that I make people around me unconfortable.  These people dont have a clue.  They dont understand how this feels.   I just want this nightmare to go away.  I cry all day.  I dont cry for myself I cry because of my children.  I always think of the worse.  It's like I have this thing stuck in my throat. 

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  • bluepearl
    bluepearl Member Posts: 961
    edited June 2012

    I have a friend who has been stage 1V for over 15 years...bone mets.....just think what could be found out in 15 years from now!

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  • stellaratovsky
    stellaratovsky Member Posts: 618
    edited June 2012

    Bluepearl when I hear people live long lives it gives me hope. I want to live long enough to see various mild stones of my kids lives. Hopefully they find a cure during my lifetime.

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  • KeepingFaith69
    KeepingFaith69 Member Posts: 508
    edited June 2012

    You sound like I felt 7 months ago.  It's not easy and I found the more I read, the more uptight I got.  I trawled this sight, looking for hope in any way I could get it.  I don;t know how it happened, but i think of it less nowadays. 

    I focus on what I can control - living in the now with my darling children (14 and 7), and the love of my love (my husband).

    I have moments of eeeek, normally in the middle of the night when I am feeling down, but most of the time I am OK.

    I choose to LIVE and make the most of every moment.  I recall in one of my meltdowns my husband said to me....... whilst worrying about what may or may not happen tommorow, you are missing today. 

    Sending you healing, and love xo

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  • exbrnxgrl
    exbrnxgrl Member Posts: 12,424
    edited June 2012

    I agree with Leah in that 3 weeks is not long to deal with this. I have a single met to my upper femur which became necrotic after rads. I'm on Arimidex and Aredia. I also take Effexor and Ativan, which has been helpful. I am an optimist by nature so that helps too. No one knows what the future holds. Breast cancer puts up challenges most of us never imagined but we really have no choice but to embrace life, regardless of how long or short it is. It will get better and if it continues to be a struggle, talk to someone who can help you. Caryn

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  • stellaratovsky
    stellaratovsky Member Posts: 618
    edited June 2012

    I get what you all are saying it is very tough and complicated espicallu with small kids. I am concerned about how this is effecting them my little guy does not understand yet but my 15 year old gets it and is in total denial. My parents are in denial so it's tough when everyone tells you everything will be fine. It's not fine I am totally screw up about this when you have no one talk to it sucks. One Moran actually told me define treatable? So when I looked at him like what he told me it just extends my life. I think that's what did me in. Some people could be really insensitive. I totally get that what I have is treatable but not curable and that I could be around for a while but just knowing the fact that I have bone mets is really messing me up. When I was diagnosed with BC I don't think I took it as bad as I am talking this know. Thank you ladies for your kind words they really do help.

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  • barsco1963
    barsco1963 Member Posts: 2,119
    edited June 2012

    Your fears are completely understandable. Although a dx of mets is horrible to hear, time will make it easier (lots of time). Honestly, I don't think anyone ever is able to block the fear completely, but one day you will be able to get through the day with more happy thoughts than sad ones.  Perhaps your Dr can prescribe some antidepressants for a while to help you get through this initial shock?

    Take one step at a time and know that there are many, many women/men living for years with mets.

    Hoping for brighter days ahead for you.

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  • stellaratovsky
    stellaratovsky Member Posts: 618
    edited June 2012

    Thank you barsco1963, and everyone else who has reached out to me.  It is truly a blessing to have this website where people who actually understand you and are going through the same thing.  I dont know how I would have handled this without hearing all the amazing stories.  I should be happy since I started my theorpy I actually feel so much better.  I dont have to pop advils like I did before. I dont have back pains as I did before.  It was so bed I could not get out of bed.  So maybe my med are working. Who knows maybe before I know I will be dancing with NED too.  Thanks all for all your kind words and support.  You all are amazing true warriors.

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  • kayrnic
    kayrnic Member Posts: 1,708
    edited June 2012

    I felt the same way you did just 3 months ago......like it was never going to get better. I was diagnosed with bone mets on March 9th. I could barely function for those first weeks. I didn't want to do anything, talk to anyone, etc. But, here I am, weeks later doing soooooo much better. I did go on an anti-depressant and Ativan, and they helped a lot. But the most help came from hearing stories from all of the wonderful women on these boards. There are so many who have lived long and healthy lives with this disease. So, I made up my mind that I can too. It WILL get better.....even if you don't believe it right now. Hang I there!

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  • Denali
    Denali Member Posts: 347
    edited June 2012

    I just wanted to add a few words of encouragement.  I sure know how you feel.  After breast cancer, dbl mastectomies and chemo 3 yrs ago, I was diagnosed with kidney cancer in Feb (new primary, not mets).  It appeared to be contained in my kidney which was removed.  Two mos later I had the back surgery which the MRI showed I needed when also finding the kidney tumor accidentally.

    Just want to say my antidepressants help and so does my Xanex which I take when I'm having a particularly bad day.  That's what these drugs are for--situations like ours.  Can't think of a better time to make use of them.  Also, a counselor might help.  Call your hospital cancer center for a referral to a counselor who specializes in cancer survivors.  I'm seeing one now due to estrangement with my adult daughter (yes, even through my cancer!).  My counselor has had breast cancer twice so can relate to my emotions.

    Use this board to 'talk' it out.  We understand and we care!  Stay strong. 

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  • stellaratovsky
    stellaratovsky Member Posts: 618
    edited June 2012

    Thank you ladies so much. I don't know what I would have done without all you ladies. You all are my rocks besides husband and sister. But they don't get. The only once who understand this is the once that are actually going through it to. I no that the beast is not curable but treatable. I will fight this beast until can't do it no more. Can a person with reassurance become Ned??? I have to say feel alot better hopefully the ness are working.

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