My sister has completely abandoned me :(

Oh rosasmommy! I am sure your awesome stage IV sisters will be in shortly but I saw this and I needed to extend the biggest, and gentlest hug I could.

I can't answer anything in relation to your sisters actions mainly because my heart and mind works differently from hers. I can picture one of my sisters doing the same (she has for major medical issues in the past)... Which is why I popped in. I wish there was a way for me to give you that very gentle hug in person.

Is there anyone else who can be there for you instead?

I ask this because I have come to realize that my "sisters of the heart" are more like what I would have ever hoped or envisioned for my "sisters of biology" so I hope you have a "sister of the heart" like I am fortunate to have. We never get to choose our birth family, but some of us are lucky in that our friends are simply the family we were lucky enough to find. I hope that makes sense.

Shell

Rosasmommy

As they say over here, sometimes there is "...now't as strange as folk" It's especialy hard when it's family.

The fact that she sent you an email (as opposed to a visit or phone call) suggests to me she's trying to keep everything at arms length while still trying to appear that she cares - or maybe she's doing it becase she thinks she should. She doesn't strike me as someone who can deal with real, hard-hitting emotions.

At this point, it is worthwhile having a think about how much you want or need to invest in this relationship? If it were a friend, you'd have blown her out by now. I know families are different but at the end of the day, do you just need to be able to focus on the friends and family who are there for you and stop wasting precious energy on your sister who sounds like she's on 'Planet Me'. 

Would it help to email her back and say exactly why you feel she has abandoned you? Sometimes, I find that people are so wrapped up in their own stuff, the things that they do and the effect they have on others doesn't really come onto their radar.  At the end of the day, this really isn't about her and she needs to know that

Big hugs

Laurie x 

I think Alesta said it perfectly:

"she's trying to keep everything at arms length while still trying to appear that she cares"

My older sister didn't even acknowledge my illness for six months or more and then sent me a brief email saying "if there's anything I can do". My other sister has been with me every step of the way. Sorry you feel hurt by your sister. I don't waste energy on what mine does or doesn't do. Sadly, my younger sister does, because I'm sure she would like her sister's support in the potential loss of me!

I hope you have many other supporters to somewhat make up for it. To comfort my younger sister I sometimes say to her...imagine if you were your sister...imagine what it would be like going through life so emotionally crippled! Just be grateful you're not like that.

Rosasmommy, I wish we could pick our relatives, but it's not possible.  Some of them can be so self-centered.  I'm sorry you have to deal with this on top of everything else.  Your Sister isn't worth the effort it would take you to have a relationship if that's the way she's going to treat you.  She probably doesn't know anything about this disease and doesn't care to.  Maybe it scares her.  I know it's not the same, but you have many supporters here.

Peggy

Consider yourself getting a warm and supportive hug from a virtual sister.

I know that some family members simply do not know how to cope with a loved one who has been diagnosed with a terminal disease.  They are so fearful of losing you that they withdraw instead of drawing close.  My advice would be to let her know that you want, need and appreciate whatever support she is able to give.  Let her know how much she and the relationship between you mean to her.  In addition, reach out to your virtual sisters as well as local support groups.  You may find it easier to let out your fears and frustrations with other sisters who are walking in your shoes already.

Virtual hugs,

Carol

I def agree with Carol..I think its the fear..My sister and several friends and family have withdrawn since I was diagnosed.  And looking back I did the same thing to my Beautiful Aunt..I couldn't bear losing her so I slowly drifted away..Bad mistake on my part but at the time it was the only way i knew to deal with it!! How silly was I?

Prayers and Hugs!!

Terry

It's always much more hurtful when it's family who behave like this because, well, family should be close and united and supportive.  But they often aren't.  Maybe it's because they know they should be that the inadequate ones feel the pressure and stay away.  Friends are the same but we don't feel so bad about the 'missing' ones because we perhaps don't have the same expectations of them.  Although I live in Germany and my sister lives in England, we Skype often, she has come out for short stays and the cancer has added another level of bonding (there is an eight year age gap but we have always got on well).  Whereas my brother, five years younger than me, seems to have an odd problem; he's okay about talking on the phone (although won't initiate a call) but he will not Skype - my sister and I think he doesn't want to look at me but I look the same as I always did.  Weird.

I think in the end we all know who can be relied upon to stick with us and they are the ones we should stick with.  I wouldn't waste any more time or energy on your 'lost' sister.

Barbara 

banjobanjo, we made a little edit to fix the out-of-place avatar. Should be okay now.

I have found a lot of people pull away from me.  I think they are afraid of getting more attached, or just of dealing with cancer.  Or they are afraid of 'catching' it.  I know that is ridiculous, but the only way that I understand is that I have been pulling away from people too.  Not all, just some.  It is one of the horrific things about cancer.  Stay strong and don't take anything personally.  It is her, not you, and maybe she'll come around.  I found a number of people in my family who didn't want to face what is happening to me.  Like if they ignore it, it will go away.  I really hope things turn around for you and her. 

My brother has not spoken to me since my diagnosis.  I saw him at my mother's memorial, then once at a gathering of the family.  He has never, in the three years I've been dealing with cancer, called to see how I am.    His loss.  My parents never came to see me when I was sick, doing chemo, in the hospital.  I spoke to my mother maybe three times in a year - she was an alcoholic and only cared about herself.  

My sister has been great.  So, she is the one I speak to and focus on.

You can't worry about the people who can't be there for you.  They haven't in them to give.  Just be grateful for those who can be there.

That said, it does sound to me like your sister is trying to reconnect.  Yes, she abandoned you but she's back now.  She wants to know your problems so she can pray for them which I guess is meaningful to her, if it isn't to you. (It isn't to me).  She's at least trying, it sounds like to me.  And, isn't she a little bit right?  Is it helpful to hang on to your anger right now?  If she is trying to reconnect and you are still responding with anger, that connection won't happen.   She may not want to tell you where she went for her own reasons but now that's she's back, you can take it or leave it.  You can't make it go away like it never happened.  I agree, it would be better if she said, "I'm really sorry I hurt you, I had something going on emotionally and I couldn't handle it and I'm back now" but maybe she's not that articulate.

Just playing Devil's Advocate but it sounds to me like she's trying to reconnect.   

I have a loving husband, 2 wonderful daughters, and a precious grandson.  Those are all I need physically (excluding the housekeeper. nurse,. therapist and doctor that comes to my home - I need them too)  emotionally they all contribute with hugs and staying with me at the hospital for minor operations, etc.  Its not always perfect but they are in tune with me almost every day. 

I have a half sister who calls me Monday nights.  I have an adopted sister I havent spoke to in 26 yrs.  Im not pulling the pity card for her.

To my knowledge both my adopted parents have passed away.  My birth mother passed away.  I have no interest in meeting my birth father - he didnt have the ability to care for my brother and me when we were young (something about horses and booze).

I often laugh it all off as a three dimentional family tree - with some rather spoiled fruit and a few keepers.

I do have a lot of friends collected from high school, college..... I seem to love teachers.... lol

I take the loving of all of those that count and ignore the rest.  What a waste of time trying to get someone into your space.   Either they are there for you like the posters on the boards and in the chat rooms, or they're in another space - say hello and leave it alone.  I know it hurts but its better than hoping for what isnt gonna happen. 

CoolBreeze, your devil's advocate musings do seem to make sense.  My DH and I don't tend to argue much like we used to, but one thing I would occasionally say to him while fighting is "you might not agree with everything I say, but if you're honest with yourself and think about it, you will find there is at least some element of truth in what I say."  Hope that makes sense.  In other words, it does help to try to see things from a different perspective, as you have pointed out.  

Please give me an update on this situation please!