Newly diagnosed - sick with fear

Thank you everyone.  I actually lost this whole thread and thanks to taxitreesdeb for posting on it because luckily enough I must have checked something that tells me when someone adds on to it.  I've been on so many cancer sites, I can't keep them straight.  Now that I found my way back here, I think I'll just settle in and stop roaming around everywhere else. Lol. 

Let me update my situation.  I had a PET scan and it has not spread, other than the lymph nodes under my arm.  I am so grateful.  I read stories about other women and just sit here and cry for them. 

So I have met and chosen my team.  My oncologist is just incredible.  The nurses tell me she is very smart and extremely good at her job.  She is a whirlwind, like a little hurricane, she talks a million miles an hour, lol.  But when she is with me (and I've seen her about 3 times now), she will sit right next to me, just about touching knees, and look me right in the eye when she talks to me.  I really like that.  She is compassionate, kind and listens to every single thing I tell her.  And she has wonderfully cold hands, lol!  I say that because I'm always warm and cool hands just feel so good.  She and the nurses keep telling me they are going to get me through this and I will be fine.  And I believe them!

I had a port installed. Wait, installed?  Is that the right word?  Surgically implanted, there.  My veins suck except for my one nice donating vein, but that's on the inside of my arm and that won't do for chemo.  So the plan is 20 weeks of chemo, a mastectomy and then radiation.  They haven't done the genetics testing yet, so it could be a double mastectomy.  What worries me is after going through all this, there is such a good chance that it comes back.  But I can't worry about that right now. 

My hair has been long for more than 20 years, halfway down my back.  Over the weekend, I cut it.  That was so much fun, to take a scissors to my hair and not care about the outcome, lol.  I actually did a fairly decent job.  It's all gone, like Mia Farrow short.  I can't think of anyone else, do you guys remember her?  Lol, I'm showing my years here.   I bought some fake bangs to stick under a hat just for the illusion of hair.  I don't want to be looked at with pity, you know?  And besides, I do not have one of those pretty faces that will look good without hair, haha. 

So I had my first chemo last Tuesday, May 1. I felt fine until maybe Thursday evening, then I was wiped out for the next 3 days. Maybe 4. I felt like I just could not move. I could barely get up to use the bathroom. Thank God my Bubs is the way he is, he can hold it for hours and never bothers me to take him out unless he really needs to go. I still try to get him out at least every six hours though. Not good for his little kidneys to hold it that long. Anyway, my biggest problem was not having the right kind of food handy so that when I was hungry, I could grab something or keep it near me. I met with the nutrionist yesterday (an oncology specialist) and she gave me some great suggestions, so I'm going food shopping today to prepare for the next round. These first 4 are the killers, I guess. It's AC for the first 8 weeks, 4 sessions, every other week thankfully. Yesterday I was still feeling tired and my daughter had to come down to bring me to my appointments. But today I'm feeling fairly normal, yippee!

I'm such a weird person when it comes to some things. When I get sick, I feel like I'm dying, lol.  I was just sitting there crying a few days ago.  Wishing my husband was here actually.  He always took such great care of me when I got sick which wasn't very often.  But he doted on me and that's so nice when you don't feel good.  It really and truly sucks to be going through this all alone. 

Well, I'm going to stop here, I need to get my butt up and ready to see my favorite client (a boxer) and then do some food shopping.  I'll check in later.  I hope everyone else is feeling ok.  I"m a good listener if anyone needs a shoulder. 

Thanks everyone.  It's really nice to know that someone is reading what you write.

Jeanne