The Spiritual Journey Into Breast Cancer: Inspirational sharing

"The Current will carry you - just let go of the oars.

When you are no longer paddling against the Current - when you release your oars and relax into your own natural Well-Being - the Current, which is ever moving in the direction of that which you have become and all that you want, will carry you toward your desires.

Understanding that all you desire is easily attainable by you automatically points you downstream.... and that is the Art of Allowing yourself to become that You that life has caused you to become."

The Astonishing Power of Emotions, book by Esther and Jerry Hicks

We are each one on our own, listening to one another, witness to the process and journey of one another.  If one is struggling, it is all right for them to be there.  If one is letting go of the oars, it is all right for them to be there.  We are witnesses sharing our experience, strength and hope.

"Wherever you go, there you are...."

don't know who said this

......but it has long been one of my life analogies.

The more time presses me, the more I want to know the why of me (the ego mentioned above) and find the peace inside.   That song bops into my brain, "Don't worry, be happy now, do do do do doodoodo doo do dooo do do do, Don't worry be happy now!"  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yv-Fk1PwVeU

There is another saying.   "No one is going to take care of me but me."  And in that I find the need to take this self-care and protocol to heart, making it the priority of each hour, the rest will follow.

"The Earthkeepers live in an environment where the dreamtime has not been pushed into the domain of sleep like it has for the rest of us.  They know that all of creation arises from, and returns to, this creative matrix.  The dreamtime infuses all matter and energy, connecting every creature, every rock, every star, and every ray of light or bit of cosmic dust.  The power called 'dreamtime' or 'infinity' .... the Earthkeepers believe that we can only access the power of this force by raising our level of consciousness.  When we do, we become aware that we're like a drop of water in a vast, divine ocean, distinct yet immersed in something much larger than ourselves.....  It's our sense of separation from infinity that traps us in a nightmare......."

Courageous Dreaming: How Shamans Dream the World Into Being, Alberto Villoldo, Ph.D.

Years ago, a woman wrote to me.  In real life, her young son was dying from disease.  She kept dreaming that he would wander into the ocean and she was at the edge to take him out but the whales were there, taking him away yet keeping him from being consumed by the sea.  She was relieved and saddened. 

Dreams are powerful.  They are healing.  They are infinity.  Dreams are meeting places. 

Night before last, I encountered someone from my past in my dream.... my eldest daughter's father.  Though not a perfect man, I  was reminded of the impact he had on my life, the lessons, the additional journeys I would take because of him, in spite of him... the R&B music that would forever remind me of his singing and way to share and that music became my favorite genre........ How he reached beyond the curtain of life to help our daughter when she needed him and I could not find her........  That it seems after my mother passed over that he and my mother conspired to help me find my daughter..........  He had passed over ten years prior and I didn't even know until I was trying to find him to take our daughter to him......  How he zinged through both of us like a spray of energy when we were together, showing he was there, we could not deny.  

My cancer took my memory of most things for almost two years.  With it, I lost the memory that he ever existed.  Until that dream two nights ago.  

Was he the love of my life?  No.  I think I have not met that person yet. 

But he was more.  He was a journey of spiritual growth and faith that I had forgotten until now.  

Why do I lack faith after what I have encountered in life already?  It is all out there, hand out, helping me along if only I am open for the experience.

Paraphrased from Your Answers Questioned, by Osho

Longing is source-oriented.  The heart is the source.

Vincent can Gogh painted his trees so large that they went beyond the stars.  The stars, small, sun and moon small, trees, HUGE!  When he was asked why when the stars were millions of light years away, why were the trees bigger than the stars and sun and moon.  The artist answered.... The trees are the longings of the earth to transcend the stars.  He was painting the longing, not the trees..... the source of his art, not the goal of perfect art. He said, "I understand the longing of the earth.  This is the longing of the earth expressed through the trees - to go on reaching for the stars."

Osho writes:::: "And for longing everything is possible, nothing impossible because there is no question of reaching anywhere - it is just enjoying the source of longing itself.  Look deep into your heart.  Listen to the still, small voice within.  And remember one thing.... life is fulfilled only through longings, never through ambitions."

Today, I share that yesterday my business came into jeopardy due to a hack attack by some freak (see Bonfire of Goddesses for my story) and I am realizing as I let go of one of several websites that some were ambitions I did not even want to pursue.  Clutter.  But some of the websites are my longings and if they had been the ones affected I could not have chosen to annihilate them as I did the one affected.  My longings is to tell the stories.... my imperfect art.  I am missing my life longings because I am not telling the stories so much any more, since the memory loss from the beginning of the cancer.  But here on bco, I am able to share stories in a simple format that is easy to make it happen for me.  

I used to wake in the early morning and be laughing from a story about life in general tickling my brain.  I miss that.  Perhaps the guilt I sometimes feel over being too long on bco to share and learn and hug others is mistaken guilt.  It is an answer to my longing to connect with others in my own way and to laugh and loving to tell my stories.

Today I am okay.  The freak who hacked my email and wreaked havoc has brought me a trauma that taught me more about me and what are my longings, I am reminded once again what is important.  I am remembering.

From the front of my journal....

may the sun 

bring you new energy by day,

may the moon

softly restore you by night,

may the rain 

wash away your worries,

may the breeze

blow new strength into your being,

may you walk

gently through the world and know

its beauty all the days of your life.

Apache blessing

Now that we are moved here I can again experience the sun, moon, breeze, rain.... the windows are open whenever it is not too hot.  At night the moon crosses over my bed with the window open.  I am outside often.  I want never to leave.

Here the windows all open easily for me.  I am not as strong as I would like to be but I  can open then easily.  At the other house there were windows painted shut forever, for good reason, and here I am able to just open windows and doors.  May I never take that simple action for granted again.

I love the wind to blow everything away.  It is so healing.

Some things one just cannot say.  They are too raw, too real, too much pain for another if what we feel or think comes to face those we do not want to hurt now or again. 

For me, the answer that I read in Courageous Dreaming this morning....

We know that if we have hurt one, we have hurt all, the ripple spreads to each one.  So when we cannot say.... we can atone... and the ripple of healing spreads to all.  

So not everything needs said.  Not always. 

But everything needs healed.  

Us first, then all else will follow, sooner or later.

It's just that I did not know how to heal me first.  

But perhaps I have now come to understand my healing.

Perhaps.

Paraphrasing from Joanne Shenandoah and Lawrence Laughing, passage from their Orenda CD

"we don't come here only to live..... we do not own all the is given to us.  we come to eat, sleep and dream.  and whenever you are ready, o maker of life, i will come home to you.  and whenever you are ready, o maker of life, i will come home to you."