Are BFFs or friends letting you down when you need them most?

truebff - I totally understand your loss.  My BFF barely recognized my birthday either.  It's a hurt you really didn't expect from all of this.

Truebff....my BFF of 20+ years didn't even bother to call me on my 50th birthday this year-- a milestone in itself, not to mention getting a cancer diagnosis and having a real reason to celebrate life!! 

To give me even more of a slap in the face, she called me on February 27th to tell me "good luck with the surgery tomorrow and call me when you feel up to it."  The insulting thing is that my surgery date was for MARCH 28, not February.  I will bet if she had a vet appointment for one of her dogs, she wouldn't forget the date, but she couldn't even remember my surgery date??  seriously???  Since then I have not called her at ALL.

I went through my exchange surgery on 3/28.  Am I being stubborn by not calling her??  I don't know...all I know is that I don't want her in my life anymore.  She was like a cancer groupie who came around and brought a bunch of meals after my mastectomy, and we spoke often afterward but we have not really connected much in years.  She is actually very selfish and spends all of her time volunteering with a dog rescue that apparently gives her the most satisfaction.  She has driven her family away because she refuses to listen to them BEG her not to keep bringing dogs into their home.  She has 12 dogs! in her house! She has virtually destroyed her house --imagine that many inside.    I  call her selfish because she put her own needs over her family's.  I really believe she enjoys the control versus the rescue part.  She could rescue a few quality dogs but nope...she has to have gzillions...I just don't think this is 'normal'.  I have seen her over the years have very compulsive tendencies and in my opinion, this is just one more compulsion.

I feel like cancer has shown me who my true friends are.  My coworkers were a much better support system than my own family (brother, in laws) and my lifelong friends.  I never even heard from my husband's sisters (3 of them).  Like I said...cancer has taught me alot about who I want in my life. 

Oprah said, "When people show you who they truly are, believe them."  I think that sums up the behavior of alot of people who I always 'thought' were my friends...

Nora....O.M.G....what a weirdo your sister in law is!!  I am shocked that her husband didn't get super upset over it.  Misunderstanding??? no way...it was calculated, deceiptfull and just plain mean. 

I would not waste one precious minute thinking about them at ALL>  You have yourself to take care of! 

I am looking for a new BFF....  :-)  Oh...and I never go to any reunions....

"...the condition of their soul". So true.

I agree about it being a poison Nora, and I am working hard at forgiving and not holding grudges about any of it. It is useful information. It may tell me who my friends really are, or it may tell me who can deal with news like this. I know at least some of it is about me being overly sensitive, which I think is still going on. It seems like any emotion I have is a strong one these days. I am just kind of making note of who I can count on and who I can't and even how I have fallen short in the past and how I can be a better friend in the future.

Oh Denise - I don't know you well but I sure think you're a lot of fun!  I'm so sorry your friend said that.  "Really?  Cuz I've been having the time of my life with this whole cancer thing, I don't know why you think I'm not fun anymore!" (it's one of those things I'd love to say to someone, but would never actually be able to do it).

I work so hard to forgive those for what they say/do - I doubt very many of those in my life are being malicious, but when it hurts my heart and soul it's hard to be kind.

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I recently removed my former BFF's phone number from my phone....and unfriended her and her kids and hubby from my facebook.  Who needs them??  I feel like their poison has been removed from my life...it was cleansing for me.  aaaaahhhhh 

People are strange...my close nephew never called after my BMX in February and I still haven't talked to him...strange how some people react to cancer.  What can you do...sometimes I think they are afraid it is catching!!! ugg!!! 

Nancy, I will PM you - there is a free or low cost retreat in Grass Lake for breast cancer survivors too you should know about.

Just unbelieveable how insensitive people can be!!!  ugg!!!!

I am not a patient or have been diagnosed with BC, but my best friend has.  She has/had DCIS and took 3 surgeries to have it removed and is now on day 4 of radiation therapy.  Family lives across the country and is unable to be there physically for her.  I never want her to be alone, so I have taken her to as many of her appointments as possible and check in with her daily.   

I can only imagine what she is thinking and feeling but she shares with me so I try and grasp her feelings and try to be there for her as much as I can.

Can you please let me know what more or even less I can do to help her. I am trying to find the balance of not smothering her but not ignoring her either.  Are there questions I should ask consistently or questions to not ask at all?

 Thanks for any feedback and many happy healing warms thoughts to you all.

Wow, what a great friend you are! God Bless You!

She needs to be able to cry her way through, to be supported through. It will make her very weak and feel poisoned. She needs good food, even if she cannot eat a lot, kind company, rides to and from, and understanding: this is nothing she has ever been prepared for before, no matter how strong she has been on other things in the past. She needs to be put to bed, given her oils and creams, and loved every day, and to be told, you will be there for her every step of the way, that she WILL see the other side of this, that until she does, she is not alone, she is LOVED.

She may not be able to do anything but go to and come back from radiation treatments. That is as much as anyone can expect at all from her. Her whole life is compromised by this and she, unwittingly gives up her life force for months to a year in this procedure, in her commitment to get well, it's just that no woman knows how much that price will be and it is ALWAYS MORE than any doctor tells her.

Her muscles will contract badly afterwards, starting at abut two months post radiation and she will need physical and occupational therapy. About three to four months afterwards, what she has been through, that has been "on hold" will catch up to her when she is safe enough to feel it: i.e. she will become depressed and overwhelmed and incapable of handling her emotions for a few months. This is an important time for her to be in therapy, and to understand that this is not a weakness of her emotional threshold, but a part of her healing to experiences these emotions that she could not experience while she was in a life or death situation.  And, if supported, all will progress towards her health and she will be be well again, wonderful again, alive again.

God bless everyone who sees her through.

Catbaloo - you are an amazing best friend.  That is great you are taking her to appointments and keeping in touch with her daily.  I have my bffs that some email me often and others call me to check up on me and some drop off food/treats.  One dropped off fresh picked by her strawberries just last Friday.  We also try to all get together for lunch when we can.  I try to keep them updated on my treatment and things via email so they don't get worried about me. 

Does she have other friends and neighbors helping her?  It's also nice to stop by and drop off something that could be for dinner or lunch.  I often make my homemade mac & cheese, homemade soup, or pink sauce with a box of pasta randomly for people after surgeries or who are in treatment too.  They can use it that night or maybe for a lunch in the next few days.  I've also received these random acts of kindness of a meal or some people just drop off a plate of brownies or cookies.  That is if you are a cook.  I've received gift cards from local take out places (five guys, chinese, pizza joint, etc.) that are awesome too!  I read somewhere where someone got paper towels, toilet paper, clothes detergent, foil, baggies one week and orange juice, bread, milk and eggs another week from someone she barely knew.   We also had our friend and his son stack all of our firewood (a cord!) we got delivered on our driveway.  They just came up and did it before we even had a chance to do it ourselves.  My husband and son were most grateful!  

I don't think you Catbaloo could or should do all of these things but I'm just giving suggestions maybe for some of her other friends who may not know what to do.  So many people say "call if you need anything" and we are rarely going to ask anyone to do these things for us.

I'm sure she treasures the car rides and the conversation to appointments! and the daily checking in is awesome too!  She knows you care!