Feeling alone...my husband has disconnected.

I am sorry to hear that you are going through this. Maybe your husband doesn't know how to handle everything going on or feels helpless. In my marriage, I see that my life has slowed down because I am recuperating but my husband has been taking more of the load and doesn't have as much time. Can you sit down and stress to your husband the top 3 things you need and have him tell you his or set aside 30 min a day to discuss what is on your mind. I thought I saw a thread about intimacy. Maybe it would help.

Hi, I've been with my hubby 20 yrs and he is not the best in conversation's to say the least.

My hubby was full on at the start but has tailed off a bit. I think men in general are poor when it comes to listening. If I'm honest I think our men have had enough of this Cancer and want to move on, they don't want to talk like us girls it's not them. I wouldn't be too hard on them they are men haha.



Try talking to them without bringing cancer into it and maybe not slag them off. If I do this with my DH it works.

Oh goodness, this is exactly what has been happening over the past few weeks with my DH and me :-(



Last night in the car on the way home from my 7 out of 10 weekly Taxol (with Herceptin) he for the second week in a row started telling me I'm a terrible passenger (ok - maybe I am but really is this the right time to start telling me) and then tried to start telling me other things wrong with me. I just shut down the onversation - said I wasn't up to it. Then he said we obviously need to do something different - so I guess I'm going to my next treatments alone and driving myself home. It's been obvious for weeks he's "over my drama". We are 47yrs and have been together 24ys married.



Today is my birthday. We usually go out for breakfast together on Saturday mornings. I have a good friend who arrived to stay for the weekend last night (bad timing). Last night when I was inviting her out for breakfast with us my DH came out and said I should just go with her - couldn't really argue with him in front of her so had to act like a girls morning out would be just what I wanted.



Not thinking it's going to be a happy day - so many messages on FB from fiends saying they are sure I'll be spoilt rotten today - not likely at this point... Much sympathy to all of you in the same position :-/



Jenn

Hi Ladies,

Gosh I hate hearing these reports. Frankly, cancer destroyed or accelorated the destruction of my first marriage back in 2000 - ended up divorced by 2002.  My ex and I have 3 children together and have been friends so very long. We have waded through anger, upset, grief etc...and are now back to good friends...he actually told me, once that he was so afraid I might die and he didn't know how to handle it...so it was easier to check out. 

 I have to say, this time, though we are not married anymore, he is being a great support....guess the stakes aren't as high now...(gosh that was rather cynical...sorry).

My 2nd husband (we were married in 2010) is doing pretty well...lets me rant and rave, but I know his patience is probably wearing thin. I think, as others have expressed here, that men don't do well with open gaping wounds as far as feelings are concerned. I believe that most of them really do want to support as much as possible. But face it ladies, people, even the ones who love us most, just don't want to keep hearing about cancer, cancer treatements etc.  We are living it...so it's part of our daily lives...We don't get relief...that's just the way it is. But to continue supporting us effectively, I think our spouses, children, parents, siblings, and friends, need a break once in a while and need to see us smile and need to share  good moments. 

This is coming from someone going through it for the 2nd time. I have had 12 years to trudge through the aftermath of breastcancer. There is a trail of tears and heartbreaks...but there are lots of clues that I am trying to learn from so that I don't have a repeat performance here. 

Sending lots of love to you all. 

Dorrie xo

elimar-- That was so well said!!!!! Jennt28--Happy Birthday!

I am feeling so disconnected emotionally and physically from my husband. Tonight was the celebration of ending treatment as I had my last radiation treatment yesterday. We went to dinner which didn't last very long. I am not drinking much these days due to all the research on alcohol, but I had a drink at dinner and then we stopped at the liquor store. When we came home, he did the same thing he does every single night--turn on the tv. He watched all of the NBC shows from last night. Finally around 9:30 I realized that was going to be it. I probably ought not to drink at all even for special occasions because I do have a harder time controlling my emotions when I drink. We have not been intimate since probably last July. We were having marital problems at the time I was diagnosed which continued through the first half of my chemo. Despite the chemo and Femara, I still seem to have a libido. I know a lot of women here talk about not having it and not wanting sex, but I do. It certainly would be nice to have someone hold me. I feel like I've been completely ruined by this illness, and what's the point of trying to get a divorce as no man will ever want me again. It is very, very hard as you all know when the person who is supposed to be your closest friend, lover and support isn't because how are you going to find that when you're married.

I had many of the same feelings and circumstances. While I was in the initial phase of diagnosis, mastectomy, and chemotherapy, my husband rose to the occasion and truly held us all together. Six months later, when I was back at work full time and going through radiation and continuing Herceptin plus Avastin,both he and the rest of the world were relieved that life was returning to normal even though I felt the opposite.



I came to realize that my husband and teenaged sons had been living in a world that was totally controlled by my cancer, which surely must have been the scariest tunnel they could imagine. When I started going back to work, growing my hair, etc. I can only imagine the emotional relief it was for them to believe we had dodged the bullet and life would return to normal - no matter that I felt worse than ever and was more scared than ever.



I personally believed that the best thing to do at this point was to give my husband and sons this sense of normalcy and compartmentalize my cancer talk to this forum. I am certain that, although he is too sweet to say so, didn't want to hear my aches and pains and issues after he had spent months struggling with the "what ifs?". This readjustment of my mindset also helped me to move beyond the crap I was still going through.



Since then, I have finished the Herceptin-Avastin year, had four surgeries with my DIEP procedure, and struggle with Tamoxifin. Once I moved the focus off of me and fed his needs emotionally and physically, he naturally became more attentive to me and what I was going through.



Cancer has been quite a sh@tstorm for me, but I do believe it was much harder for my family to watch me go through all that I have faced.

DH and i went out last night for a meal then went to see a horror film. No talk of Cancer we had a great time very relaxed and I got popcorn. This morning he is in a good mood, so far so good.

I am finding this thread very helpful and supportive.

Hi everyone just putting my 2 cents in. I totally agree with elimar--I am not married now and went thru this alone--which was fine with me. I would think that it is harder in a woman with a husband and family to be together thru this horrific time aand u feel like u need to hold everyone together. But most men are different--At the beginning they're supportive and as time oes on it really gets to much fo them--they are more afraid than u in some ways and don't vent like women to feel better.They go into a hide in the closet mode and want to come out when u will be u'r-self again. It's much longer than they thought and they can't handle the truth. and they don't want to hear about this everyday.This must be a great strain on u'r marriages and if u'r husbands are strange about all of this I feel bad about it for u. I'm not giving u advice cuz I never went thru this exact thing, but sometimes too they r being selfish cuz they don't want to look at reality??????

Not so easy when you still feel like ####.LeeAnn Ive sent you a PM.

I have been married to my best friend for 11 years.  He is also a counselor, so talking about "feelings" is something he gets paid to do every day.

Unless, of course, they're his feelings - then, well, we just really don't talk about that.

Lately, I have been getting my bitch on - I don't know if it's related to chemopause, or the cumulative effects of chemo, or the fact that I'm simply done with being a cancer patient - whatever it is, I'm not necessarily a nice person to be around these days.  We don't talk about cancer anymore - it's just that freaking elephant in the room that keeps trying to sit on his lap.  We have had exactly two serious conversations about my cancer:  The first was the night of our 11th wedding anniversary, the day before we got the official diagnosis, when I turned to him and said, "I have cancer," and he nodded in agreement.  The second was about two months ago over dinner, when I looked at him and said, "This is what's going to kill me," and he, again, nodded in agreement.  Fini.

And yet, my DH is with me every step of the way, attending appointments, taking notes, running errands, cooking dinner, tucking me in at night.  He has yet to complain a bit that we are...um...taking an intimacy break, if you will.  He always speaks respectfully and lovingly of me to others.

But I feel so disconnected, our lives have changed so much, our relationship is strong and looks good but it's just...so different.  It feels like any little disagreement goes from 0-60 instanstly - there's no in-between, we're just tense and angry and it's over before it begins.  We are "together" but farther apart than I ever expected we could be.  And I know part of this is because of the cancer, because I am not the person I was before my diagnosis, because I will never again be the person I was.  He won't stop loving me, but our relationship will be forever changed.

I understand what you mean, dogeyed, when you talk of "flailing around in cancer that is no longer knocking on your door."  But the reality for me - for many of us - is that we now know that cancer can come knocking on our door again any moment of any day. 

Instead, I look forward to the day when "cancer" is not the first thought I have in the morning, nor the last thought when I close my eyes at night.  I look forward to the day when I forget about cancer.  I look forward to reconnecting with my DH.  I just don't know when that day will come.

So sorry to those who are still in the midst of treatment or have not yet climbed out of cancer world.  Truly and sincerely, it did not occur to me that I was being waaaaay too harsh.  So, obviously I am most apologetic and respectful to you women who simply cannot do as I suggested!  I think in the end, tho, it is good advice for so many who struggle with this issue.  I got part of my advice waaaay back last summer thru this very website, about letting go of the cancer card, which is how I was able to try this out and I found it works. 

Now, I must say this, tho, in response to you kind ladies who pointed out that essentially I'm acting like I'm little miss perfect and a know-it-all!  HA!!  I AM!!  But plez, I had three cancers in one boob, two of them amongst the most lethal you can have, talk about some fear!  Also, I am in my 60s, I'm disabled by a crushed spine from a car wreck, so recovery took some time, and six months out of treatment I still do an awful lot of laying around, chemo-induced neuropathy, crappy hair, and still some downers and doubt... I'm the same as we all are.  But ladies, it truly is a mind game, don't you know?

So, I am so sorry I came across as expecting so much when we have so little to give.  Mine is just another point of view.  Love to my cancer sisters for always, and they ALWAYS come first... well, except dog first, then hubby, then... SMILE).  Always, Gail

NancyHB,  You aren't that far out from your Dx, so I just wanted to tell you that I think you WILL get to the point where B/C is not the first thing on your mind.  It just takes time.  The moments of anxiety get fewer and fewer.  I don't see anything in your Dx that indicates that B/C is going to kill you.  It's a possibility, but not a probability.  You have taken all the measures to get the B/C gone for good, so just let it join all the other possibile fatalites like car crash, eating Mad Cow beef, an escaped prisoner uses you as a human shield, etc.  (There's a good chance that no one but you understands my last reference.  )   Had a chuckle that your husband, a mental health professional, is the same as almost every other guy out there. 

dogeyed, I know what you are saying, that sometimes a woman has to just force herself out of the "cancer mentality" if there is any hope for her "new normal" to even have a passing acquaintance with her old normal.  That advice is more suitable for the early stages though; that is a lot harder for Stage IV's.  They can't "get outta this cancer world."

Your post tells women to quit being selfish (about the focus on their cancer) but gives the o.k. to the husband to be as selfish as he wants (as "Number One," his needs should come first.)  I can't agree on that.

Mumito,  I talked about my cancer much more at the beginning, to limited male responses.  Once I went to a check-up and no one even inquired how it went, so I had to say, "Anyone interested in whether I had any cancer in me?" to jog their memories.  An appropriate amount of shrieking was involved.  Now they know that if I mention an appt. date, they better ask how it went.  On the other hand, my scientist husband, still emails me any pertinent articles on B/C from medical journals, with commentary.  He told me he does it for my own knowledge and so I can be more informed when I post on this site.  Isn't that cute?  (Asked with a somewhat snickery laugh.)

lwarstler,  Where are you and how's it going?

elimar:  You're so right - even as a professional counselor my DH is just like "every other" guy.  It's one thing to help someone else work through their feelings and emotions; it's another to try and deal with your own.  And he's been very open and honest that his biggest concern in all of this is his fear of losing me - it's overwhelming and so he shuts down, he ignores it, he tries to forget about it, he does what alot of us do as a coping mechanism.  Denial is a beautiful thing.

My diagnosis doesn't look bad, but my recurrence rates are fairly icky.  I've shared the story about how my MO was *excited* when she called me because she'd never seen an Onco score as high as mine before (meant I got to be part of a clinical trial) - she sounded like she had just opened a Christmas present.  Even with tx my metastatic recurrence rate is 20% and my MO says my local recurrence rate is around 40%.  My tumor was especially aggressive and fast-growing.  So DH and I had "The Conversation," and it was a good one to have.  I'm not a fatalist, just trying to be a realist I guess.  It's another reason why he/we disconnect; that distance provides us each a little safety from our emotions.

But thank you for pointing out that yes, one day, cancer won't be the first thing we think about, it won't be what we talk about or live for.  I look forward to the day a pink ribbon is just something I put in my grand-daughter's hair, and that my DH and I will be able to argue about money and sex and housework NOT in relation to treatment or medication.  

(And I have to laugh about the "human shield" comment, simply because we live in the city that is home to the "world's largest walled prison" so we're overly aware of escaped prisoners - except that they don't stay here, they go to other cities).  :-)