Stuck in the Middle

Hi dmlennon1,

There's no better place than here to get this out of your system! Please feel free to rant and rave all you want -- we are here for you and in complete support!

I'm sure your fellow members here will have lots of great advice for you soon! Hang in there, take a deep breath and focus on taking care of yourself for now. Everything else will fall into place.

((((HUGS))))

--Your Mods

dm,

Oh my goodness. Your life, both now and through childhood, has not been an easy path. And you have found a long term partner in spite of being brought up by a series of relationships. I do hope that you take a moment to congratulate yourself on doing so well against all odds.

Though many will disagree, I don't actually believe we owe our parents anything. Especially parents who just weren't good at all this child-rearing stuff. Clearly, your siblings have decided it isn't in their best interests to be in your mother's life. For whatever reason, you haven't been able to do the same. But, that doesn't mean you have to allow yourself to be abused or let your partner be abused.

If you read my posting history, you will see that am pragmatic and practical. My suggestions for you are given with care. I have dealt with bi-polar [without the addiction] people over the years and lived in NC for 7 years.

The fact that you have given your mother a safe and reliable house is an amazing gift. The fact that your will ensures that she will be able to keep it is also very generous. [Gosh this is hard to present in an organized manner.] This is more than you owe her for sure. The fact that it isn't enough for whatever reason, is NOT your problem. I don't really understand why this Aunt has stuck her nose into all of this, but maybe she should take over managing your mother's finances? I really think you need to be disengaging from this drama. We both understand what our mets mean, and there will be a time when we are alive but not capable of managing more than our own lives.

Furthermore, I would cut off all contact by phone and in person. Since she is an addict, does she have a case manager? Is there someone who can verify that she is taking her meds daily and sign-off on a sheet? The deal could be without this verification, you won't allow her in your life at all. When bi-polar people go off their meds all bets are off [but of course you know that all too well.]

The other thing that I know about bi-polar and addicted people is that they are extremely manipulative. You can not trust them for a moment. If she has a key to your house, you should either get it back [and trust they haven't made a copy] or change the locks on your house.

When I lived in NC, the state was not kind to people with partners. Maybe things have changed since I left in 1991. Maybe they haven't. You need to protect your partner. A will may not be enough. One conservative judge could throw the will out leaving your partner completely unprotected. Make sure your partner has your power of attorney and a hospital form declaring her next of kin with your medical proxy. She needs to be listed as an owner on all your joint owned property such as a car, house, etc. If she is on the house deed, family members can't challenge her ownership in court as easily. Sadly, I speak from experience watching helplessly while the partner was banned from the hospital and her possessions were absconded by her family after her partner died.]

If there is anyway you can do this, consider taking a four-day vacation out to the mountains to re-connect with your partner. It sounds like your relationship has been assaulted lately and maybe a little fun together will help you find some joy.

Sorry this is so long, but just maybe something in here will resonate.

All the best,

*susan* 

I am a child of addiction too.  So, I understand the emotions involved.

I really do think you should disentangle yourself from your mother.  I understand that it is hard, but you are very co-dependant, with all of the things you have done for her.  She should have been taking care of you all these years and yet she expects you to take care of her.  It is a very sick relationship yet quite typical in addictive relationships.

First, I would suggest you find an Adult Children of Alcoholics group, or perhaps they have one that has to do with narcotics. It doesn't matter really because the situation is the same.  You have to draw boundaries between yourself and your mother, and you have to disengage for your own mental health.  You owe that to your partner.  

Her mental health is a bludgeon she is using to keep you near.  She may be bi-polar and she may not be.  She is definitely an addict.  But, until she stops using she cannot take care of the mental health issues, and it is not your responsibility to do it for her. 

You will have to learn to make rules, such as how your mother treats your partner and what she is allowed to say to her, what time she is allowed to call and come over, and exactly how much you will give her financially.  (I would recommend nothing but I know that it isn't that easy when you have been so entangled for so long).

You have to learn to put your partner first, set rules and boundaries, and then enforce them. Adult Children groups can help you do that, or perhaps there is some counseling you can do.  They will help you see how you are not really helping your mother by doing the things you are doing - you are enabling her to live a drug-addicted lifestyle and not get the help she really needs.

And, you need to be kind to yourself.  If you decide to cut your mother out of your life, there is NOTHING wrong with that.  She chose her addiction over you.  My mother chose her addiction over me too.  I know it hurts to think that way but it's true.  My mother wouldn't put down her glass for me or anybody. She loved alcohol more than anything.  These addicts don't behave like mothers, they behave like addicts and addicts are manipulators and users.  And, you have to learn to be on your own and not needing a mother's love, which you will never get.  If that means cutting your mother off of money and attention to take care of yourself, that's what you must do - without guilt.

You have to find the line you can live with.  For me, I talked to my mother on the phone twice a year and went to see her once a year, for about 3 hours at a time.  I saw her less than the time it took to get to her, but she was always drunk so there was no point in spending time with her.

You might want more involvement than that but if you don't, that's okay too.  What you need to do is what is best for YOU and your partner - not your mother.  If you have the strength to say to your mother, "I can't talk to you again and I am not going to support you again" and mean it, than by all means, do that.  If the phone calls and pressure from other relatives gets to be too much though, maybe you can find a different line.  A few hundred a month, one visit a month, one phone call a week, stuff like that.  You decide. 

You sound like a smart woman so I know you have protected your partner legally.  I think that it isn't your mother who needs to be worried about what happens after you die - it is your partner.

I'm really sorry that on top of everything else you have to go through, you have to go through this.  I am Stage IV too and my parents were not there for me either.  Too busy drinking, too busy being selfish.  That's just the way it is and the sooner you can accept it and disentangle, the better off you'll be.

Big hugs. 

>When I lived in NC, the state was not kind to people with partners.

And yesterday's vote proves that the state has changed; for the worse. A sad day in North Carolina.

*susan*