Are BFFs or friends letting you down when you need them most?

Thanks Ladies . . . I actually kinda wished she would have said something that was even a little bit more genuine . . . something that would have opened a door. The card was just so impersonal as if she were writing to her next-door-neighbour's sister's friend's aunt (ha ha). There was also no offer of a call, or anything else . . . so, I think I'm just gonna let it go and move on. This sister also doesn't talk to my other sister (whom I am very close to) . . . she is really an odd duck (even my mother admits that) . . . so, the card, in some ways, was a shocker . . . at this point I need to keep just surrounding myself with loving people . . . and she ain't one them!

We really can't pick our family . . . .

Hugs to All . . . .

It is so painful to realize we can't depend on the support and love of someone we thought we could.  Some days, it feels like working in my garden:  there are beautiful and strong flowers and plants that I tend with love and care.  There are also beautiful weeds that, if left unchecked, will choke out and destroy the rest of my garden, so they have to go.  I often apologize to my weeds as I pull them, telling them they are beautiful but they have no place in my garden.  It's the same thing with friends and family who have let me down:  I am sorry they cannot be supportive and understanding, but I love them as I let them go.  I refuse to believe their issues are about me, rather I just uncovered something they now have to deal with - without me taking on their negative energy. 

My circle of supportive and loving friends and family becomes smaller with every day, unfortunately.  I was diagnosed in November of last year; some people seem to think I should be done with everything now and are surprised (almost as if I'm lying) to learn that my chemo won't end for another two months, and then I'm facing 6 weeks of radiation.  I have to keep telling myself I just hope they never have to endure this kind of illness to learn, first-hand, what treatment is really like.

Nancy

I hung up on my friend of 25 years for the first time ever.

She was telling me about some life problems she was having like man,finances etc...which is fine i do not mind talking about these things at all. But then she says i was so tempted to do it and i said do what and she said you know things seemed so bad i am thinking of killing myself. Her reasoning for this was because boyfriend broke up with her and she is broke. I know her well enough after all these years she is just wanting attention but i could not handle listening to her go on about this. I just said you realize my doctor says i have very advanced stage of cancer and am being checked for mets as well. In other words my prognosis is not good. And then i proceeded to yell how could you say such a stupid thing to me in this situation when i feel like i am fighting for my life and then told her to grow up and that i cannot talk to her anymore and hung up.

I am the kind of person that feels bad if i am mean in anyway. And a part of me did feel bad but another part of me did not. So i have not called to apologise but she has not either. I kinda thought it should be her.

I am venting away here-i was just so surprised. I thought she would be someone whom would be there with me through this i guess not.

As i read so many stories written here i realize its the same for most of us we are feeling let down by the people we probly thought would stand by us. It is hard enough dealing with the emotions from being DX from BC let alone having to deal with this

Shelia, prayers for you and hugs too. Please let us know how you are.

Sas--hugs for you, you're in thougths and prayers.

beth, i have a friend of long standing--she never wants to talk about my condition or how i feel or what i'm going thru.  whenever she calls, it's me,me,me and my, my my.  i have listened to this for so long.  she is just not able to face reality.  and i wonder, how much of a friend she is, even tho i've known her for years.  she was at my side before and now, with grand kids and all, the drift is getting bigger.  i just leave her to enjoy life.  and am thankful she can.  i'm the one that has to be stronger, tho, it's not that easy--everyday.

Hugs, Hope

Sheila - Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers!!! 

 Beth1965 - My SIL tried to kill herself two days after Christmas.   After we found out she was going to be okay, all I could think was you dumb **** - I'm worried about recurrence, mets, etc, and she makes the choice to do that to herself.  SO completely selfish!!!  Especially when you have to hear how hard their lives are....kids, work, etc....blah blah blah.  Not that their lives aren't hard but they need to put it in perspective.  These kind of people take too much energy - Not worth it!!!

Hope, I'm sorry you perceived it that way but I can't tell you how wrong you are.  There's a long history with this SIL - I know she was reaching out, she always is, but when you have a family member fighting cancer, it seems a little self-centered to keep going on about how hard life is - Who doesn't have a hard time at one time or another? - but if anyone else in the family has attention focused on them, she is the first to say she knows how hard it is because she had a cancer scare or her dog had cancer - or someone's aunt's cousin's niece had cancer....or one of the kids has been sick with allergies so she can relate what it's like sitting in chemo because she's had to sit in the doctor's office for allergy medicine.  And, I am NOT exaggerating.  She's constantly looking for attention.  Luckily, she is seeking help now but I think anyone who would say they've considered suicide or even tried when they're talking to a CA patient or survivor, needs to realize while they're looking to get out, so many other people are in a battle for their lives.  I know so many, many people have it so much harder than I do but I don't much patience for people my SIL who can only focus on herself and not see what is going on with other people around her because she's so wrapped up in herself.  I'm not just talking about her reaction to me and my diagnosis.  For example, her sister, my other SIL, tragically lost her 19-year-old daughter in 2010, our niece.  She knows how hard that must be for her sister because she was so devastated when she lost her cat of 19 years.  No joke.  This is the kind of person I don't need to spend my energy on right now - Her kids, definitely.  Her, no.

Hi all

Update on friend i hung up on-

she informed another friend of mine she does not want to ever talk to me again. WOW never expected that after 25 years of no argueing getting along great friendship. This is so backwards i should be saying this not her. I would never had said that to her had she been in my situation.

goforhope-it is sad when it has to happen this way. I am sorry you's started to drift apart as i am sure me and my friend are too. Your friend sounds quite self centered and like she just does not understand the big picture again similar to mine. I am glad she is enjoying life and never wish anything bad upon her but it would have been nice to have a long time friend near at this time.

Julielynn-after reading your comment its like we are talking about the same person. I agree i probly cannot spare the extra energy it would take to figure this out. Its a shame people are so selfish sometimes. That must have been horrible on her family and friends doing that to herself during holiday season.

truebff-i no a few people that crave attention in the worst ways its like my husband describes them he says- they would love to trade places with you to get all the attention but they just don't want the cancer that goes with it they will let you keep that. I have always hated attention and always felt better just blending in a crowd.  And yes like you said truebff scared,lonely,afraid and sick and wanting to live

hi beth, i understand her, we have been through soo much together.  we spoke yesterday, i mentioned the possibility of another operation this summer--nothing else was said, not why, not what for, so--just continued on about the kids, grand kids etc.  she can't face it.  she gets too upset, she lost her mom to cancer.  some friends, people are just afraid of life. i look at life as a stepping stone to a 'great retirement' when it comes.  and, i try my best each day to make the most of it and love those who understand me or not.

hi sheila,  courage and prayers for you.

hi julie, as i am not in the situation -- i am not judging.   guess the best thing to do is pray for her and try to take care of yourself.

my best to you all, Hope

To All BFF's. Today is Easter for Christians and Passover for the Jewish. Whatever your belief system is, may today bring strength and health to your heart and soul, that you may feel for the rest of your life.

Thank you all that kept me in your prayers. Surgery was very successful and it was B9. It wasn't till some medication wore off that the words B9 came to be understood-------very good drugs.LOL Moffitt in Tampa is a phenomenal center. Only one negative person in uncountable number contacted over the visits pre-op then sx.

 Special K came and stayed with me for about 3 hours post op after DS left. We talked and talked. Then she came the discharge day and stayed with me until in the car going home with DS. She is indeed a Special person.

This is perhaps one thing that has made BC so hard for me. Thank god for my wonderful DH. We've been together 25 years. Its never been easy. He was always difficult. I cant remember how many times i have cried in his arms.

He cant really cook me food, or vacuum. But he makes my tears go away

Mardibra - I lost my dad in 2010 also.  My mom is 73 and she was having a terrible time.  In a strange way, I think my BC has helped her.  It gives her something to do and she has been such a huge help to me!  She likes going to my appointments and chemo with me...she said it gives her a purpose and a "job" instead of feeling sorry for herself (her words, not mine).  Maybe it would help your mom if she could help you?  I know don't know how close she lives to you or what kind of health she's in but it may be something to think about.  ((hugs))

I'm glad you told her - It's too much to carry by yourself!  My siblings have been great.  Unfortunately, my MIL and one SIL have not.  It's very hurtful and so hard not to be bitter.  I keep telling myself not to waste my energy being hurt by them - I need that energy for the BC...easier said than done but I'm getting better at that.  But, just because I'm working on forgiving, doesn't mean I will forget.  Hope you can find some peace with it....I know it can be a struggle!

This is a great place to vent our disappointment about how special people in our lives have reacted in the face of our illness. I know I still keep thinking about the one who let me down, although fortunately much less often than I used to. It feels much better to think about those who stepped up to the plate, people I didn't expect that from. Yay for them!

I think it still is shocking to have lost my childhood BFF. My birthday came and went and I really thought she'd come around at least for that. My husband is beside himself about her ill-treatment because it has been a deep loss for me.

Again and again, I need to remind myself that I chose that friend when I was a little girl without qualification and how could I have known she would (though not her fault) become too damaged in life to give back if I (or anyone else in her life)  was ever in need. But you don't expect people to get angry and leave you when you are scared and sick.

I also realize that friends I have chosen as an adult are really amazing people and they have had my back. I am so glad for them and love them ever deeper.

It's nice to start feeling better again too.I love beginning to genuinely be able to laugh and enjoy things again.

But through the dark days of treatment and worry and exhaustion and the shock of this disease, it has been the kindness and love and care that has carried me through.