Next steps for terminal MIL? Advice sought.

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RubiesinCA
RubiesinCA Member Posts: 1
edited June 2014 in Caring for Someone with Breast cancer

Hello all. I'm new here, and looking for some direction or advice. My mother-in-law is 64. She has hidden her disease from her family and loved ones for several years. We think she has fairly advanced breast cancer. She refuses to see any medical doctors, citing only wanting "natural" treatments. She is hoping that her body will flush out all of the "toxins" and cure her. These "treatments" haven't worked, and she's in extreme pain and distress. She lived with my husband and me for awhile and now is on month four with her sister.

Her sister (my husband's aunt) has told my husband and me that MIL is getting worse. She's not able to care for herself very well. There are good days and bad, but the majority are bad. The aunt feels that she's not able to care for MIL properly and wants to find a live-in program that can take her in. 

My question is: how do we go about doing this? MIL has refused to see any "real" doctors, so we don't have any formal diagnosis at this point. Also, MIL insists that wherever she moves to, that it's a place that is "holistic" and will let her live whatever she has left in peace and at her own pace. But she needs a place that can offer her some medical and emotional support as well as cleaning, some bathing, etc. She's based in Southern California. 

Any recommendations or advice would be much appreciated. Next steps, what we need in writing and from whom, etc. I'm so lost in this and am trying to support my in-laws as best as I can. Thanks.

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  • CoolBreeze
    CoolBreeze Member Posts: 4,668
    edited April 2012

    I'm so sorry.  A friend of mine went through this with her mother.  She refused medical treatment for an early stage cancer, instead believing in some sort of saran wrap thing to draw out toxins. She died quite quickly after that, less than two years.  Her breast cancer had ulcerated through her skin and spread everywhere.

    I know they got hospice involved somehow at the end, but mostly it was she and her brother who did the caretaking.  I would call one in your area and explain the situation, they may have suggestions on how you should go about it and what you will need to get support.  If your MIL refuses to see any medical professional - even a family care doctor, it is going to be very hard to care for her with anybody but immediate family, I think.  She might qualify for medi-care services and maybe you can find some in-home care for her?  

    I think your best best is to convince her to go see a real doctor, not for treatment, just for records keeping purposes.  If you can get an official diagnosis, that will smooth your way for support, even if she won't do any treatment.  I think for hospice services, a doctor just needs to certify that she has less than 6 months to live so I think it's important you get her to one who will give a diagnosis without a million tests.  

    I don't know that she's going to find a holistic treatment center where she can spend her last days that will be affordable.  

    I'm sorry you are going through this.  At this point, I think you are going to have to do what is realistic rather than what she wants.  Good luck.

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  • EnglishMajor
    EnglishMajor Member Posts: 2,495
    edited April 2012

    My parents are both long deceased so I am not speaking from experience. My suggestion would be to contact the California Dept of Aging. In IL the office of the Public Guardian advocates for children and the elderly--in some cases due to abuse, but in other cases (with the elderly) due to their inability to care for themselves. Call the Dept of Aging and ask their advice. 

    http://www.cdss.ca.gov/agedblinddisabled/PG1298.htm 

    From the Il Public Guadian site 

    Guardianship is needed when a person is unable to make and communicate responsible decisions regarding his personal care or finances due to a mental, physical or developmental disability. Without more, a mental, physical or developmental disability is not sufficient for the appointment of a guardian. The fact that a person is elderly, mentally ill, developmentally disabled, or physically disabled does not necessarily indicate a need for guardianship. The extent to which a guardian is allowed to make decisions for a ward is determined by the court based on a thorough clinical evaluation and report. 

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