I went to a divorce lawyer yesterday

Druanne, only you know what youve been through and whether divorce is right for you and your situation so Im not advocating for or against your taking that step. Just make sure you can live with your decision and I hope that you gain the happiness and peace of mind that you seek.

I do want to pass on from my experience that if your intending to announce that you wish for a divorce, it may well be best for either you or him to find other accomodation immediately. It is very very hard to continue living with someone when there is so much hurt, especially in the first few months. Continuing to work together for the benefit of both of your finances may be possible depending on the personalities of the two of you and your ability to keep your staff from taking sides etc. But that too may well be very difficult as divorce and the thoughts of settlement can make a huge impact on peoples thought processes and their instinct is to protect what they consider to be theirs, regardless of who earned what and who deserves what.

My ex ( I had to sign the divorce papers during chemo) pressed for me to sign the settlement during that time as well and wanted no lawyers involved and thought he had worked out a most generous settlement. I had enough wits at the time to know I had to see a lawyer first and put him off for months till my chemo brain had receded. Turns out he was doing his very best to rip me off financially, so I have found that all bets on partners behaving decently are off when divorce is involved.

I wish you every success in gaining happiness.

Sometimes a thing such as bc can give you a new way of viewing things.  You are not content to go along with way things were and your wants and needs are more important now.  Kids are grown, your time now.  Good luck with all decisions you make, they will be right for you.  Also like you have spent life avoiding conflict  but now bring it on.  Husband makes a wide path for me when I am angry, like the power.  kidding

I saw this pop up in the active topics and had to respond. I was there, years ago, and not going through half of what you're going through. You are one strong lady! I think you'll do just fine.

Druanne,

I'm glad you've seen a lawyer. If you are sure about the divorce, please make sure your lawyer clarifies your state's laws for you regarding community property, leaving/staying in the primary residence etc. This very important so that you protect your financial position and any rights to property and possessions. I hope you get through this difficult time and find peace.

Caryn

Good luck Dru, I went thru 2 divorces before I found my fiance which i realized after him staying with me after surg for 2 wks that I dont need to be married. We two do better when we can go back to our separate houses. He wants to change my house around and had me hysterical when he dropped me off for surg crying cause he wanted to re do my living room floor like he did his and I told him I didnt want mine that way (his looks stupid and he cant get the house sold! but cant tell him that cause it would really throw gas on a fire) anyways my surgeons went out and told him there would be no remodeling before during or after surgery Period! End of discussion! Needless to say my dirt bag carpet with the dog hair is still there and I let him put in an antique dresser to keep his clothes in and an entertainment center for my TV and the post surg plants from friends and he threw out my dining room table on its last leg and bought me a really cute cottage type dining room table and chairs so thats how we get along buts its better than marriage.

Storms will pass and there will be calm water. Hang in there.

Someday you will be able to look back on this and know that you did the right thing, handled with grace.

Druanne,

Just remember it is alway darkest before the dawn. You need to do what is best for you and never allow anyone to make you feel bad. I understand where you are coming from as I was there many years ago with my first husband. I have since remarried to my soulmate. Keep the faith and never settle for less than you deserve. Feel free to PM me if you need a shoulder or friend ........

Druanne,

The hardest part is done now!  Even you said you felt so much better!  You just need to remember why you are doing this becuase he sounds like the type to make some changes that make you happy so you drop the divorce.  Once you do that everything will go back to the way it was.  So anytime you are questioning your decision, come back and read your post.

I would suggest finding a counselor to work with while going thru this process.  It will give you that outlet to vent and they will also help you come to good decisions and not feel guilty for what you are doing.  In the end it sounds like the divorce is the best thing for you.  Stress is very bad for your health, it suppresses your immune system and opens you up for the possilibility of letting any disease try to take over your body.  Good luck and please come here to vent anytime you need

Ask yourself: Do I really need these waves of mood swings.  It sounds like alot of what I have read in the book "Stop walking on egg shells"  If you are having to tip toe  around him to keep things peaceable it would be wise to seriously consider a relationship like this.  Especially if you get burned every time. First, it's I'm sorry, then it's abuse, then it's I'm sorry again,and it goes on and on for years.

 There are no excuses for this behaviour. After all we don't let our kids get away with it and a adult should know better. This spells ABUSE and it is a game they play with you. Move your pawns carefully.They know all the right moves and the buttons to push.

I live with a wonderful man that would never dare act like this and then I see my sister who has your relatiionship. It kills me to see women like you hurt.

I'm sorry you are having to go through this complication when you should be devoting your time to your healing. However, your post has made me feel so much better. Know that from your frustration and pain you have helped someone else. I am nearly halfway through chemo, with my only child moving out in two weeks and I too am planning to divorce my husband as soon as I can get my ducks in a row. He sounds so much like yours, except I know the cause of the "walking on egg shells", moodiness, and emotional abuse - alcohol. You end up in a cycle of blowups, make ups, and breaking apart. Then it repeats until you leave. Telling him is the thing I fear worse - I don't know how he will react - tears, anger, or worse. I feel my cancer may be a response from my immune system finally breaking down after so many years of stress. Time to get unstuck and discover what good things come next.

I give u ladies loads of crdit---I too had a horrible marriage but I was already divorced when  I went thru chemo and i was so glad he wasn't there. He would have put so much stress on me it would have been a disaster. So that's why I thibk u have made good choices. U shouldn't have to come home to a confused and unhealthy home--it's so much better for u'r piece of mind.Good luck in u choices and I think there will be less stress in that way for u. 

Druanne,

We must be leading some kind of parallel lives except my dog died in January, and I was diagnosed less than a month later. When my only daughter moves out next week, she's taking one of the two cats, so again another loss. The other cat is old and infirm. That will leave me here with the calico and the alcoholic who is saying (not so sincerely) the right things but has not tried ANYTHING to really change his long term problems. This thread show me that even though I have a medical burden to work through, I can make it through to the other side -  a life without criticism, unpredictable moods and negativity. Hard to imagine! I did make an appt. with a therapist, so hopefully, she will have some ideas and offer some objective support. Thanks again to all of you for giving me a little extra courage to hang in there and free myself from the craziness and get on with my life. BTW: Over 1/2 way through chemo!