Stage IIIa and struggling

hi dlm

you are only 6 months out from initial diagnosis and still in treatment. crying in the shower sounds like a release of many pent up emotions; i remember not feeling much when i was initially diagnosed and was very strong during treatment.  having cancer is so much to wrap your head around; i found it took me awhile to really understand what i was going through and had to deal with for a long while*

i believe that crying is really good for you.  there are so many levels of dealing with breast cancer; initial diagnosis...treatment...the physical changes....(of which you will heal and recover from but it takes a long time) ..the emotional/psychological challenges...the ongoing follow up treatment and fears around relapse...etc... yeah, crying is a good thing dlm.  you do want to feel your feelings when they show up*

the boards are the best place to come for understand and cyber hugs.  we get it.  there are so many of us at different stages ...newbies...2-3 year peeps out....5 years....8...and 10 years and more.  i just really believe you have to take it one day at a time; be where you are....feel what you feel....do your treatment.....and don't give up even on the bad days.

hugs

diana

dlm..

Your journey is identical to mine. Diagnosed 11/30/11, BMX with TE 12/21/11. I have 9 more T/H, then surgery early June, with rads to follow late June. There are days when I am a crying mess and terrified that I am stage III. Then there are days I know I will beat this. I went 3 weeks without crying and feeling pretty good. Last week my onc talked to me about tamoxifen and I ended up crying for an hour. It was a completely benign conversation and for whatever reason my mind chose that moment to be overwhelmed. I did feel better and have been fine since.

I too hate the way I look, especially the 15# I have gained so far and the bald head to go along with it. I cannot scream it loud enough some days that this really sucks! You are not alone. I GET everything you are probably feeling. You are also one of the first women I have encountered that is having exchange surgery before radiation like me. I have felt very alone and scared about that as well.

You can PM me anytime. I think what you are feeling is completely normal. We are not that far out from diagnosis and cying can release a lot of pent up feelings like Diana said. There are no right or wrong feelings.

{{{HUGS}}}

Brooke

dlm217, have you considered counselling from a therapist experienced in working with cancer patients? I feel this could really help you, as it has helped me. You can tell a therapist things that you can't talk to others about and learn strategies to manage your emotions.



I also suggest talking to your doctor about an antidepressant.



I'm confident these strategies will make you feel a lot better.

dlm...there is no right or wrong way to go down this journey...its a hard road...doable, but hard...and sometimes its just one day at a time.....Honor your feelings....and get help if you feel that it is more than you can do on your own....Hugs.

I cried like a baby the other night. I just let my dh hold me. We've been through so much. I had to show him, my ugly port scar.its still healing and has the dermabond on it.

We were listening to music and drinking whiskey and cokes. My first big drink in like forever.

Sometimes I get angry looking at other people who have such easy lives.



Good luck on your DH sx tomorow

While I was in chemo I actually started writing a journal called "Crying in the Shower" because that's where I felt "safe" letting it all out.  We try to be strong for everyone (ourselves included) and it seems bound to come out somewhere!  I actually think it's a good think to get rid of it every once in a while.  I wish I could cry more and it comes now at weird times---watching a sappy commercial, movie, or a song.  Your'e still fresh with all of this so give yourself a break.  Time will make things better.

Take care,

Sharon 

Hi -- My timeframe of diagnosis, treatment etc is very much like yours.  I cried too and/or had anxiety attacks after taking showers -- then I realized it's where I confront the "new" body I'm in.  One way I cope with the showers is by turning the lights down, adjusting the mirrored doors (so Ican't see) and using lots of lavish, perfumed body washes etc.  It really helps make that experience not dreadful.

 More broadly, it's good to cry and vent. I see a therapist who specializes in this stuff and it's helpful beyond measure. She helps me understand what's normal at a given phase, and what situations I need to address.  (Sort of like a dr saying that twinge is nothing, this one needs Advil.)

IIIa is not a death sentence, it's not even that informative, really.  Our medical teams have so, so much info about our particular tumors and who we are that old-school stages aren't all that helpful when you're in the mix.  Maybe people on the outside need stages to "get" it, but we don't around here. We know that it's much more subtle than that.

I'm also upset with my appearance and I am hitting it with some retail therapy on the cheap. Lots of CVS makeup, that bath stuff I mentioned, and I need shoes for spring!  Sure, it adds up and I'm not working, but it's NOTHING compared to the cost of my sanity. I'm also buying things to brighten up the house -- again, it makes me feel better when I'm surrounded by order and pretty things. 

Cry, yes, and then take a walk. Zone out a little. Take a tiny car nap, where no phones can reach you. I believe it's going to be okay.

dlm217-i was crying quite regularly lately whenever i was alone. I am not much of a crier overall i am usually the type of person that gets over things quite well but can't seem to do that with this. I thought i was dying for sure i was stuffed with cancer i had a 9.2 cm tumor and 17 cancerous nodes. I am working with an oncologist through chemo that says we are not going to just prolong my life we are going to cure me. She seems quite positive so that helps me be positive. Still scared but at least imagining a future now.

I also feel like i lost me-i suppose there will be a new me someday when i am ready to except it.

What a incredible rude question josiekat by your neighbor.shes obviously never been through anything

katyand4 --

Don't be blue and don't be hard on yourself. Like you, I love my family but at the end of the day they don't get it -- this is mine to deal with and to live with. All we can do is take it one day at a time and know that you WILL get through it. I know it sounds counter intuitive but try going out for a brisk walk -- if you like music, take an ipod. No matter how poorly i felt going out, i was always in a good mood by the time i got home. Treat your self well -- take long baths (with a good book), or buy yourself a treat -- it could be good food like a box of raspberries or dark chocolate or a new top -- whatever turns you on -- you deserve it.

Time does pass and soon this will all be a memory -- a tale to tell your grandchildren -- I still have down days (I think the Tamoxifen does that) but now my hair is about 1 1/2" and today I went out without a hat -- I still felt ugly but -- small steps

HUGS -- remember you have cancer -- it does not have YOU!

This is my first time on this site. I was diagnosed in 11/11. Bilat. Mastectomies in 1/12. Just finished AC (8weeks) Today had my 1st dose of Taxol/Herceptin (12 weeks) then, radiation   (7weeks), then reconstruction and Tamoxifen. It's all crazy and so surreal. Such an emotional rollercoaster. 4 daughters 18, 16, 12, 9. The drugs do such a number on your body and mind. The steroids made me so depressed and crazy on them. Weight gain, body changes. I have NO idea who I am when I look in the mirror. I do NOT like what I see at all. I try to keep smiling, but today my daughter who was away for a week told me that she was sad when she first saw me...that I didn't look well, that I looked sick. That hit me so hard. I feel like I am aging before my eyes. Everyone tells you how "strong" you are. Like you have a choice??? You do what they tell you to do...I don't know what some of the abbreviations mean on here and what is Exchange surgery? I think that I was in denial for a while, or maybe felt too good to be sick. It just doesn't seem possible, you know what I mean? I have started seeing a therapist, trying to be proactive with this somehow. Going for walks with friends and venting is very helpful. Laughter whenever you can get it helps tremendously!!! Keeping a journal when you find something that helps and all that you are grateful for as a reminder of what's good in your life. Bad days and tears are simply unavoidable and completely EXPECTED! And definitely EXPECT people to say unbelievably STUPID things!!!!

Hi Dear ones,

The only thing I can add is when I was dxed 6 yrs and 11 months ago with a stage III C  " Bad  *ss Tumor  ( so said my surgeon) I had crying and wailing jags that would peel off the wall paper ( if i had any  Wall paper ) I would wait in the shower like an injured wild animal

.I  evenatully had to take down the mirrors as I did not reconize myself. I was bloated , lopsided,  bald, dark rings under both eyes, red rimmed eyes, lovely gray pallor,  running and bloody nose and lost ALL my finger nails and toe nails. Iooked exactly like Uncle Fester from the Adams family. Scary!

I never for a second believed Iwould get back to me. Guess what? I am even better. My joy is back in my life and I feel and look pretty darn good ( if I can so so myself!)

Anyway, dear ladies. You will all get htrough this incredibly difficult time. It will not dfeine you forever. You will get  to a much much better place>

Thank you Ikc. It's encouraging to think about the possibility of looking like me again. I love thinking about the idea of 6yrs 11 months from now. I do believe that it keeps getting easier.