Stage IIIa and struggling

dlm217

I was diagnosed with BC in September.  Had surgery in November, have TE in, and have 1 more chemo left.  I will have my exchange surgery in May and 6 weeks of radiation probably starting in June.  For the most part mentally I have been better than I thought I would.  I was home from November until mid February.  Came back to work full time 2/21 right before starting Taxol.  I really haven't thought about not surviving this but lately I have been a crying mess when in the shower or alone.  Should I be more scared that I have stage IIIa BC? I am more upset about how I look and that I feel like no one gets what I am going through.  Sorry for all the rambling. 

diana50

hi dlm

you are only 6 months out from initial diagnosis and still in treatment. crying in the shower sounds like a release of many pent up emotions; i remember not feeling much when i was initially diagnosed and was very strong during treatment.  having cancer is so much to wrap your head around; i found it took me awhile to really understand what i was going through and had to deal with for a long while*

i believe that crying is really good for you.  there are so many levels of dealing with breast cancer; initial diagnosis...treatment...the physical changes....(of which you will heal and recover from but it takes a long time) ..the emotional/psychological challenges...the ongoing follow up treatment and fears around relapse...etc... yeah, crying is a good thing dlm.  you do want to feel your feelings when they show up*

the boards are the best place to come for understand and cyber hugs.  we get it.  there are so many of us at different stages ...newbies...2-3 year peeps out....5 years....8...and 10 years and more.  i just really believe you have to take it one day at a time; be where you are....feel what you feel....do your treatment.....and don't give up even on the bad days.

hugs

diana

diana50

hi dlm

you are only 6 months out from initial diagnosis and still in treatment. crying in the shower sounds like a release of many pent up emotions; i remember not feeling much when i was initially diagnosed and was very strong during treatment.  having cancer is so much to wrap your head around; i found it took me awhile to really understand what i was going through and had to deal with for a long while*

i believe that crying is really good for you.  there are so many levels of dealing with breast cancer; initial diagnosis...treatment...the physical changes....(of which you will heal and recover from but it takes a long time) ..the emotional/psychological challenges...the ongoing follow up treatment and fears around relapse...etc... yeah, crying is a good thing dlm.  you do want to feel your feelings when they show up*

the boards are the best place to come for understand and cyber hugs.  we get it.  there are so many of us at different stages ...newbies...2-3 year peeps out....5 years....8...and 10 years and more.  i just really believe you have to take it one day at a time; be where you are....feel what you feel....do your treatment.....and don't give up even on the bad days.

hugs

diana

Momof2inME

dlm..

Your journey is identical to mine. Diagnosed 11/30/11, BMX with TE 12/21/11. I have 9 more T/H, then surgery early June, with rads to follow late June. There are days when I am a crying mess and terrified that I am stage III. Then there are days I know I will beat this. I went 3 weeks without crying and feeling pretty good. Last week my onc talked to me about tamoxifen and I ended up crying for an hour. It was a completely benign conversation and for whatever reason my mind chose that moment to be overwhelmed. I did feel better and have been fine since.

I too hate the way I look, especially the 15# I have gained so far and the bald head to go along with it. I cannot scream it loud enough some days that this really sucks! You are not alone. I GET everything you are probably feeling. You are also one of the first women I have encountered that is having exchange surgery before radiation like me. I have felt very alone and scared about that as well.

You can PM me anytime. I think what you are feeling is completely normal. We are not that far out from diagnosis and cying can release a lot of pent up feelings like Diana said. There are no right or wrong feelings.

{{{HUGS}}}

Brooke

dlm217

Thanks Ladies. I think I was in denial for awhile.  I still don't sit around thinking I am going to die.  It is more of an emotional thing about how I look which I know sounds vain but I just feel like I have lost myself.  The whole BMX, TE, the scars, the bald head, the weight gain.  People keep telling how strong and great I am handling and don't seem to want to hear when I do just want to vent or complain about what I am going through.  I feel like I have no release.  My husband has been great but he just doesn't get it.  We have so much going on right now.  I just turned 40 in February.  We have 3 sons, 14, 8 and 3.  I went back to work full time 2/21 in the middle of chemo and my husband was put on disability on 2/15.  He is scheduled for a hip replacement on Wednesday, 3/28/12.  I am not sure how things are going to work out the next couple of weeks.  I am just taking it one day at a time and trying to make th most of each day.

Racy

dlm217, have you considered counselling from a therapist experienced in working with cancer patients? I feel this could really help you, as it has helped me. You can tell a therapist things that you can't talk to others about and learn strategies to manage your emotions.



I also suggest talking to your doctor about an antidepressant.



I'm confident these strategies will make you feel a lot better.

kenyohunt1

dlm217

There is no right or wrong way to feel, it is what it is. I dont consider myself to be a vain person. Meaning I am a jeans and sweats kind of girl but I have been putting off going to see my co workers because I dont want them to see me without eyebrows. It is a hard thing to look in the mirror and not quite recognize yourself. We are all here for you whenever you need to vent or if you need encouragement  when you are scared. ((((Hugs)))) to you and your family.

Momof2inME: Hey there how are you doing? I tried to message you twice not sure if you got them. I hope things are going well for you. I think about you often. Dont feel bad about the 15lbs you gained, I have gained 20 so far. I tried to go jump on the trampoline today with my daughter and ended up lying on it and letting her bounce me around....lol.  I see you have your surgery date for June I will be thinking good thouhgts for you. Three years ago I had my left breast removed If I had to compare it to this round of going through chemo I would say the surgery was easier. I believer you will do fine.

karen1956

dlm...there is no right or wrong way to go down this journey...its a hard road...doable, but hard...and sometimes its just one day at a time.....Honor your feelings....and get help if you feel that it is more than you can do on your own....Hugs.

footprintsangel

When I was having chemo and was alone, I started writing

ten things I was grateful for even on hard days. And in the

back I wrote my worries and left them. I had my good and

bad days, But Your a Survivor and will win. Take care and

you are going to make it. Prayers and Hugs coming your way.

fredntan

I cried like a baby the other night. I just let my dh hold me. We've been through so much. I had to show him, my ugly port scar.its still healing and has the dermabond on it.

We were listening to music and drinking whiskey and cokes. My first big drink in like forever.

Sometimes I get angry looking at other people who have such easy lives.



Good luck on your DH sx tomorow

SpunkyGirl

I, too, spent more time worrying about how I looked going through treatment than I did about surviving it.  Everyone looks at this journey differently.  It sounds like you have a very supportive spouse, and that's awesome.  I also used to look at other people with envy during that time and think, "they have no idea what it's like", but then I realized I really don't know anyone else's story.  I doubt that few of us get through life unscarred and unhurt. 

You keep doing what you're doing.  Cry when you want to cry.  Laugh if you feel like it.  Try to listen to music with a whiskey and coke as often as you can.  Every morning, I look at my full head of hair, and I'm thankful.  I look at my kids, and I'm thankful.  You will get there too!

pupfoster1

While I was in chemo I actually started writing a journal called "Crying in the Shower" because that's where I felt "safe" letting it all out.  We try to be strong for everyone (ourselves included) and it seems bound to come out somewhere!  I actually think it's a good think to get rid of it every once in a while.  I wish I could cry more and it comes now at weird times---watching a sappy commercial, movie, or a song.  Your'e still fresh with all of this so give yourself a break.  Time will make things better.

Take care,

Sharon 

lanagraves

Hi dlm: I'm only a month into this, so certainly no expert, but it's an emotional roller coaster. I went from a routine check-up to BMX in less than a week, then spent an excruciating month waiting for appts with MO and PET scan results, terrified that the BC had spread. Then, on the same day I found out my PET scan was clear (hallelujah!!!), I started A/C treatments. So now, I almost feel guilty for feeling bad after chemo - I mean, I should be on cloud 9 after clear scan results, right? I know that's not logical, but it's just how I feel, and certainly, that can change with a moment's notice lol.

Peacock

Hi -- My timeframe of diagnosis, treatment etc is very much like yours.  I cried too and/or had anxiety attacks after taking showers -- then I realized it's where I confront the "new" body I'm in.  One way I cope with the showers is by turning the lights down, adjusting the mirrored doors (so Ican't see) and using lots of lavish, perfumed body washes etc.  It really helps make that experience not dreadful.

 More broadly, it's good to cry and vent. I see a therapist who specializes in this stuff and it's helpful beyond measure. She helps me understand what's normal at a given phase, and what situations I need to address.  (Sort of like a dr saying that twinge is nothing, this one needs Advil.)

IIIa is not a death sentence, it's not even that informative, really.  Our medical teams have so, so much info about our particular tumors and who we are that old-school stages aren't all that helpful when you're in the mix.  Maybe people on the outside need stages to "get" it, but we don't around here. We know that it's much more subtle than that.

I'm also upset with my appearance and I am hitting it with some retail therapy on the cheap. Lots of CVS makeup, that bath stuff I mentioned, and I need shoes for spring!  Sure, it adds up and I'm not working, but it's NOTHING compared to the cost of my sanity. I'm also buying things to brighten up the house -- again, it makes me feel better when I'm surrounded by order and pretty things. 

Cry, yes, and then take a walk. Zone out a little. Take a tiny car nap, where no phones can reach you. I believe it's going to be okay.

Josiekat

Dim-

I was diagnosed IIIC on Dec. 6th. I have had the calm weeks, where I feel at peace with what's happening and completely sure I am gonna beat this thing. And then usually something random, a song, something I read puts me into a dark and sad place.

Yesterday, a well meaning mom at the pickup line at my kids' school, came up to the car because she heard I was "going through something". She asked if I caught it early. I said it's "locally advanced". "Is that early? What's the prognosis?" she asked. "I don't know the prognosis" I answered. Then my kids got in the car, and I cried all the way home.

I have found that I have to allow myself these crying times. They are part of the "process". My husband and I have been seeing a therapist who specializes in Onc. patients. He has been incredibly helpful in sorting through the emotions.

You are definitely not alone in all this craziness.

beth1965

dlm217-i was crying quite regularly lately whenever i was alone. I am not much of a crier overall i am usually the type of person that gets over things quite well but can't seem to do that with this. I thought i was dying for sure i was stuffed with cancer i had a 9.2 cm tumor and 17 cancerous nodes. I am working with an oncologist through chemo that says we are not going to just prolong my life we are going to cure me. She seems quite positive so that helps me be positive. Still scared but at least imagining a future now.

I also feel like i lost me-i suppose there will be a new me someday when i am ready to except it.

caaclark

I agree with what everyone is saying.  One thing I thought about was that Taxol was harder on my emotionally.  We figured out that it had to to with the steroids.  My doc called it steroid psychosis but it was not really a mental illness-more like I needed to wean off the steroids more gradually after each Taxol treatment. 

fredntan

What a incredible rude question josiekat by your neighbor.shes obviously never been through anything

katyand4

Having a tough time lately too.  Love my hubby and family but at the end of the day they just don't get it.  Tonight was particularily bad night....treated myself to way more than a few Miller Lites and now I'm mad at myself. Everything in my body screams that more than one drink for you is very bad but I did it anyways.  I just get to the point where i feel like I could do everything right and still have a reoccurence.  How the heck are we supposed to live like this..it just sucks.  Most of the time I'm doing pretty good then bam not so good.   How can I look to future when just making it thru the present is so difficult.

paradiju

katyand4 --

Don't be blue and don't be hard on yourself. Like you, I love my family but at the end of the day they don't get it -- this is mine to deal with and to live with. All we can do is take it one day at a time and know that you WILL get through it. I know it sounds counter intuitive but try going out for a brisk walk -- if you like music, take an ipod. No matter how poorly i felt going out, i was always in a good mood by the time i got home. Treat your self well -- take long baths (with a good book), or buy yourself a treat -- it could be good food like a box of raspberries or dark chocolate or a new top -- whatever turns you on -- you deserve it.

Time does pass and soon this will all be a memory -- a tale to tell your grandchildren -- I still have down days (I think the Tamoxifen does that) but now my hair is about 1 1/2" and today I went out without a hat -- I still felt ugly but -- small steps

HUGS -- remember you have cancer -- it does not have YOU!

Marl5900

Dear Dim,
You are not vain.  It is hard to feel happy when your body is not "right".  Being naked is a challenge for me even now.  What has helped me is (easy) exercise (walking, yoga, pilates, the gym) whenever I have been allowed to do it (I had the exchange 2 months ago and I have just started a routine again).  My body is not in top shape visually but at least I want it to "work".  Every time I can do a move or a pose right and without much pain, I feel better mentally.  OK, I still cry in the shower sometimes and that is OK in my book!  We have to feel a little sorry for ourself once in a while because even the loving people around us think we are back and just like we were before.  And maybe it is good that that is what people believe? Especially our children? Hang in there, it does get easier. 

LisaFro45

This is my first time on this site. I was diagnosed in 11/11. Bilat. Mastectomies in 1/12. Just finished AC (8weeks) Today had my 1st dose of Taxol/Herceptin (12 weeks) then, radiation   (7weeks), then reconstruction and Tamoxifen. It's all crazy and so surreal. Such an emotional rollercoaster. 4 daughters 18, 16, 12, 9. The drugs do such a number on your body and mind. The steroids made me so depressed and crazy on them. Weight gain, body changes. I have NO idea who I am when I look in the mirror. I do NOT like what I see at all. I try to keep smiling, but today my daughter who was away for a week told me that she was sad when she first saw me...that I didn't look well, that I looked sick. That hit me so hard. I feel like I am aging before my eyes. Everyone tells you how "strong" you are. Like you have a choice??? You do what they tell you to do...I don't know what some of the abbreviations mean on here and what is Exchange surgery? I think that I was in denial for a while, or maybe felt too good to be sick. It just doesn't seem possible, you know what I mean? I have started seeing a therapist, trying to be proactive with this somehow. Going for walks with friends and venting is very helpful. Laughter whenever you can get it helps tremendously!!! Keeping a journal when you find something that helps and all that you are grateful for as a reminder of what's good in your life. Bad days and tears are simply unavoidable and completely EXPECTED! And definitely EXPECT people to say unbelievably STUPID things!!!!

Marl5900

Dear Lisa,
Yes, the drugs do a terrible number on your body and your mind!  It's chemically induced depression for sure.
I went from being a "young" 52 year old (good looking enough people thought I was getting botox and spent too much time at the gym) to looking and feeling like an 80 years old puffy bald and often crazy or depressed.  I saw my 19 year old son cry the first time he saw me after being gone for the first 4 months of treatment.  My other children did not cry but would look at me in disbelief sometimes.  I saw the look of pity in many people's eyes (while telling me I was strong and a fighter)...
and then a full year after radiation (that had followed surgery and chemo,) my hair is growing, I feel my fingers and feet again, I have had step 1 of reconstruction (the "exchange" of expanders with silicone implants), I can exercise, wear lipstick, stay up for a movie...everyday gets better now but I will remember how it was always getting worse with more treatments and more bad news and more bad side effects.  I am almost a year after heceptin (not much in side effect for me) and I am taking Tamoxifen only (Side effects or SE quite minimal).  It's do-able. But I agree some very tough 2 years to live the rest of your life.
Venting helps!

dlm217

Thanks everyone.  I think it may be the Taxol. I didn't feel as down on A/C as I do on the Taxol.  Thankfully tomorrow should be my last Taxol. 

financegirl

I am stage IIIc and my cancer was very aggressive.  It will all get better.  I was going to say normal but it's a "new normal". I had 4 DD A/C and 4 Taxotere, 35 rads and now on Arimidex.  As of February 1, I was thru chemo/rads but the drug causes a lot of bone/joint pain - I've decided that since it's one of the most common of SE for the pill, I must choose to believe that pain just means it's working.   

Cancer is the absolute worst thing that can happen to any of us but I will admit - I see life so differently now.  Your thoughts will be all over the place.  I don't think there is any right or wrong thing with any of this.  I do know that the old saying - "don't sweat the small stuff", is so true.  Most of life these days it is all small stuff. 

Two things put this into perspective for me -  1) I had a friend, when dx with stomach cancer and  given a 15% chance of living just 6 months by 2 different oncs, switched to a third and lived 10.5 years before succumbing to the disease and chose to do a LOT of living life during those years.  2) An old boss who felt lousy, went to the doctor and was dx with some very rare cancer and while they were formulating a treatment plan, died within 2 weeks.  It's funny - my onc told me similar examples like that are exactly why he does not like "cancer staging".  He said he can give just as many examples - late stage 3 and 4 still around years later and still to this day remembers a particularly sad case - one very early stage dropped out of sight for a few years and never did follow up testing,etc and died b/c of those actions. 

Sadly in my case, it's my family that doesn't "get" it.  They were not the ones around when I was sicker than a dog, when my hands swelled twice their size, during neuropathy, neutropenia, etc, but my friends were, and are a godsend.  My sister recently remarked about how lucky I am b/c it appears like I got thru this relatively unscathed - I guess it's all about whatever makes them feel good about not being around.   I truly admire those of you going thru this while still working, took early retirement a few years back but cannot imagine this while still working. 

lkc

Hi Dear ones,

The only thing I can add is when I was dxed 6 yrs and 11 months ago with a stage III C  " Bad  *ss Tumor  ( so said my surgeon) I had crying and wailing jags that would peel off the wall paper ( if i had any  Wall paper ) I would wait in the shower like an injured wild animal

.I  evenatully had to take down the mirrors as I did not reconize myself. I was bloated , lopsided,  bald, dark rings under both eyes, red rimmed eyes, lovely gray pallor,  running and bloody nose and lost ALL my finger nails and toe nails. Iooked exactly like Uncle Fester from the Adams family. Scary!

I never for a second believed Iwould get back to me. Guess what? I am even better. My joy is back in my life and I feel and look pretty darn good ( if I can so so myself!)

Anyway, dear ladies. You will all get htrough this incredibly difficult time. It will not dfeine you forever. You will get  to a much much better place>

lkc

I meant to say " wail in the shower"

dlm217

I am sorry there are so many of us going through this.  It does make me feel better to know that someone out there understands how I feel and get its.  It is so hard that the people around you just don't get it and never will because I am the one living it.

mauralyn

Ikc and financegirl - Thanks for your posts.  I'm new here.  Homebound right now from mastectomy.  Slammed with path. report so different from what they anticipated.  Worked during all of my chemo, have always been so active.  Now my thoughts vary wildly from deep gratitude for every little thing to tears and anger. You have all given me much hope - thanks!  Maura

Josiekat

Thank you Ikc. It's encouraging to think about the possibility of looking like me again. I love thinking about the idea of 6yrs 11 months from now. I do believe that it keeps getting easier.