Calling all TNs

well ill try to make this short and to the point. she loved all of you gals from the TNBC blog site. you were often times the only folks she could feel like who really understood what she was going thru. i know you all have probly heard from her most of the details up until a couple weeks ago. about 3 1/2 weeks ago, her doc said 6-9 months, then two weeks ago she said more like 6- 8 weeks, we were devastated. it turned out she only had a few days at the time of that statement. she became extremely short of breath starting around sunday march 4th. by tuesday it was so bad they admitted her and put her on 6 liters of oxygen, what a shock! just the saturday before that we were hanging out, watching " hugo" the movie, and playing with my son, eating popcorn, telling stories, having a great time..... it all just happened so fast. they figured the cancer spread" like a spider web" in her lungs, really fast, and also said she had had a small stroke without knowing it, probly sometime around the first weekend in march. apparently the cancer spread into her spine too... well after a bunch of procedures, pokes, and my mom getting very upset with the medical personel at the hospital( not her doc, of course) we finally got it thru their heads that we needed to go home asap, bc it really wasnt looking good, and we wanted to be togehter, in peace, at home.... did she tell you all about the deck on the back of her house that was built for a her last week by a friend? he finished it on wedsday, the night we got home, her by ambulance ( bc of the oxygen, etc..) the deck was finished, she insited on going out there and " having a cigarette on her new deck , damnit" :)well, it was scary. she sat down on the stoop and couldnt get up, after that i hated to say it but , no more smokes mom... she could barely breathe off her oxygen....... thursday, hospice started and her local girlfriends came over, we opened a bottle of wine, my mom in her chair and them all around, giving her love and support, while she huffed her ox... and mostly sleeping, not talking too much, she was getting so anxietal, too, when she would wake she would apologize to all of us for not being much fun( that was my mom!)

friday was the last time she spoke to me, just a few words, i took a picture of some outdoor furniture that her half sisiter sent as a bday present... brought it in and showed her, it was so hard for me and sad, and just crazy insane at how fast this happened, yall....
friday she slept all day, we called emts to come carry her into the living room from her bedroom, which is tiny, and into a hospital bed. we couldnt do it ourselves ( me and the nurse) they started her morphine into her port, bc we could tell she was still in a lot of pain, it took the pain away wonderfully, no more furrowed brow.....she was sleeping all day, her nurse told us she was in " transition" no food no water, we tried but she just wouldnt take it.... i sponged tiny bits of water into her mouth to help with dryness, but eventually she just would close her mouth tight and i couldnt get it in there... a bunch of people were here, just talking to her, listening to music, telling great stories about her, wine drinking, and eating food.... it was in a way, like a two day long birthday party....

saturday march 10 was moms bday. i enjoyed waking early and it was just me and her. a beautiful spring day here. i got out her drum and did some drumming to her, and her tibetan singing bowl that she loved! and did some chiming, and i love to sing so i sang her a few songs, and just told her how much i loved her, and how i wouldnt ever leave her side.... as the day progressed her breathing got worse and worse, you could tell it was a struggle by then... i cut her some daffodils. her bday party happened her at her house....

a bunch of her friends were here again, and more of the same as the night before... we all knew, well, i especially knew that she could hear us... i played her fave cd's, etc...

a little after 9:30 pm, i was feeling like my mom was going to die, and didnt want to in front of everyone, i told a friend that, and just as the words came out of my mouth, her other friend came and got me, and said " its time" i ran in, and it was over within a minute, it was the saddest thing i have ever experienced in my whole life. i love my mom so much, i miss her so much... she was litteraly my best friend, we were so close, we told eachother almost everything, and really she is the best mom i couldve ever asked for. i am so sad about my son thuja, he is 2 1/2 years old, and hi and my mom were best buddies. i have been telling him that grandma flies with the stars now, and that she always loves him.... etc... but its hard. my husband, and my son and i were here at her death time.... and i just cant leave her house now. i went home yesterday and i had lost all inspriation to be there, right now, at least for the time being, i jsut have to be surrounded with her beautiful gardens, and plants, and all her things. well, this has been extremely detailed, and i really hope it wasnt " too much"" for anybody, a rabbit appeared in the yard the other night, and no dogs chased. i know it was my mom, it made me feel a little better. she was the rabbit in chinese astrology..... also her time of death and date of death all add up in numerology to #9 which isthe number that symbolizes completeion.... i feel glad that my mom is not in any pain anymore, but there is such a huge void. she has been such a wonderful inspiration to me, she was so strong..... well i could go on and on and on.... but thank you for reading... she told me it was very important to her that i get on her blog site and post to all of you... i lost her login info, so im glad i met heidi here on FB so she can forward this to you all. my email is rootcycle@yahoo.com if you wanna write. peace to you, love sarah