Calling all TNs

mitymuffin

Inmate, I'm holding your hand...

mitymuffin

Inmate, What area did they biopsy?

inmate4232010

mitmuffin....they did a plug biopsy of the rash/raised portion on my left chest.  the rash is very near the last biopsy done in november.  the "thickening" i mentioned before feels like my actual ribs have stiffened/thickened.  i† almost feels like a breast plate and now i swear the area above my collar bone looks swollen.  can it all happen so fast?  i just noticed the rash less than 3 weeks ago and the stiff ribs last week and the swollen collar bone today.  can stress make you swell?  if that's the case i should be round as a ball by now.

inmate4232010

Heiditoo and Linda......you are so right.  i did not think about MBJ and her feelings when I posted my update.  in fact, i didn't consider any one's emotions on this very difficult day.  i am so sorry.  Susan and Laurajane were so good at keeping advice and updates on their own journies upbeat and hopeful.  i miss that very much right now!  Once I let this all soak in I will strive to more helpful and hopeful.  just not today.

now i will try to sleep.   

Cocker_Spaniel

Inmate don't feel bad about venting your feelings.  It's good to get it out and not keep it bottled up.  You were going through your own private devastating hell and was freaking out, scared and probably lonely because nobody really knows how you feel we can only imagine and thats bad enough.  You did what you needed to do and Laurajane and Susan would agree if they were here.  All of the positives in the world don't help much if we are scared.  We can't always be upbeat and hopeful, would be nice if we could then we probably wouldn't need this forum because we could cope.  Everyone is different and the nice thing about here is we can all be ourselves and not feel as if we are letting anyone down. You are always helpful to me and I value whatever help you can give me. Two lovely ladies dying and another  going through her own devasting symptoms makes for a bad week. Everyone on here understands.  We all just feel so helpless that we cannot do anthing for you  but we will be there for you just as you have been for us. It's a shit life at times. Wishing you a peaceful nights sleep. Hugs and love Annie  

  

Lovelyface

Inmate - Please don't even think about not updating us, even on the worst day here.  We just don't want you or anyone else to think they can't talk, no matter what is going on.  Each and everyone of our cases is important, on every single day.  Please don't ever think that you disturbed anyone by your update, absolutely not.  I think what Heidi meant was the two deaths that have occurred, might be too much for MBJ to take.  She did not mean your update.  In fact we forgot to ask you for your results, as we got so engrossed by the bad news, one after another.  I think we are all mourning so badly right now as we are all in shock and have so much fear for our own selves.

Lovelyface

We have seen Laurajane's photo on the facebook pic someone posted here.  It was so nice to put a face to a wonderful personality.  Does anyone have a similar picture of our Suze?  I would love to see her.  Thanks.

Painting - I am so glad you got a chance to meet Suze.  I wonder, did Suze an LJ became friends on this board?  Did they know each other before this?  What an incredible story, I am sure they had some sort of destiny together which was fulfilled at their recent deaths and witnessed by us all.

bak94

inmate-even laurajane and susan had their freak out days. you have an amazing personality and please just continue to say how you feel! You are always helpful. And please know I am basically down the street from you, if you need anything! Things are slowing down a bit with my classes as I only have a couple of weeks left and no major finals-yipee-only papers. I have radiation every day at 10:15 so if you are ever at swedish around that time just stop on in! I got a pm from blondelawyer and it sounds like she has some very fun sunny trips planned with her friends, I am excited for her.

I agree lovelyface, did you see lj's work facebook page? It showed more of her amazing work.

I can't seem to stay away from the boards right now. I know we are all hurting. I hope they knew how much they were loved and appreciated. Just like I appreciate everyone of you! Titan, you started such a great thing with this triple neg thread! It's like a cyber home with all our sisters. I know, I am feeling a bit clingy right now.

BernieEllen

Inmate - thinking of you.  You are such a strong lady.

Paintingmywaythru

Inmate up early and thinking of you. Don't apologize...you ned to be free to tell us what is happening. Your worries are our worries.

I never had a picture of Susan but she was a young petite beautiful small short haired ( aren't we all) vivacious woman with a strong but playful voice,who was ready to tackle anything. Even last summer before she had a stage 4 diagnosis, she was making books of memories and pictures for her children. She had a very practical side to  her that said hope for the best but prepare for the worst. When I met her one day she had gotten all her legal paperwork, last wishes and life insurance policies in order. I started crying and she was upset she upset me. I just was amazed that she could do all those things so that her husband would not have to worry about any of unfinished details. So thoughtful and considerate of everyone.

Plus she liked cheesecake!

Sugar77

Paintingmywaythru - thanks so much for "painting" a picture in our minds of Suze. I will never forget how she helped my family navigate our way in Boston last summer. She gave me lists of all the highlights and her favourite places including what restaurants we should visit. We had the pizza ever. She will surely be missed.

Heidi's right....it's probably for the best that MBJ hasn't been on the past couple of days as she will need her strength for the recent news. I hope she's getting stronger and stronger every day. I think of her often.

Inmate ((((((hugs))))))) 

NavyMom

Thanks for sharing that look into Susan's personality, Painting.  I really appreciate it.    Inmate, please keep posting how you are doing.  We care about you and wnat you to find comfort here. To any newbies that have posted or may be lurking,  please come here often.  Our little TN corner of BCO has taken a terrible loss over the past few days....and we are hurting and helping each other to heal.  So, don't be afraid to join us.  You will find information,  compassion and strength for your BC journey from all of the gals here.

Fighter_34

I feel better today. I had to get it out yesterday. I could not help but go there with my own fears yesterday. I haven't had a meltdown like that in awhile.

I too hope MBJ isn't reading these post it would only bring her down. I pray that she can continue to get her strength back and just be at peace.

Inmate we are here for you. I am praying that it is only local. Hopefully your Docs can get a game plan going quickly and get you into treatment. To help keep progression at bay.

This living in fear SUCKS ladies, it just SUCKS!

mitymuffin

Inmate, I'm thinking of you as you go through your scan this morning. We all know how scary scans are, and you will probably have to wait for results, which is terribly hard. I hope someone goes with you to the scan.

LRM216

Inmate:

OMG, Heidi and never meant to imply, and I'm so sorry that you read it that way, that you shouldn't have posted.  Dear God, never, never - we just meant with everyone asking about Mary and wondering how she was, that we were kind of glad that she wasn't here in the middle of all the sadness with Suze and LJ, while just beginning to get some of her own strength back with the Tamoxifen. 

Never feel you can't (or anyone else) can't post the good, the bady or the ugly at any time.  That is why we are all here still thriving and still coming back, for the shared support and wisdom and that extra set of arms to hold us up when needed.

As Mity said - I too wish you the best today.  We are all here for 24/7 - and always will be.

Hugs,

Linda

mccrimmon324

Inmate - Please don't stop posting, and don't curb anything you want to say.  Just as everyone else has said we are here for you.  The only thing you have to strive to do is kick this F**KIN C's A**!!!! 

Sending you lots of prayers and positive vibes, your going to get thru this!! 

christina1961

Inmate, we love you and are hoping it is localized. 

Luah

Inmate: Thinking of you today, and hoping for the best. Always love reading your posts. 

Anonymous

LJ's daughter contacted me via facebook and I will be posting further info on her passing. I will also be contacting the children's museum today about a memorial bench. Others from facebook are going to request the garden be renamed in her honor.

I'm headed off for a mammo now. Needless to say, I'm a bit more nervous than usual after all this recent upsetment in here. I'm sure everything will be fine though, just my somewhat superstitious nature tickling my conscience.

Anonymous

Inmate- ALWAYS post what you are feeling! That's what we are here for; to support as best we can in this somewhat limited online venue.

In fact, being somewhat obtuse at times, I didn't even *think* about the impact of your posts on MBJ until I saw LRM's post with my name in it. 

I was referring to the recent deaths, and how emotionally devastating they could potentially be to MBJ.

Gotta run... time to get the old boobs crushed.

mccrimmon324

Heidi, Thank you for checking into the memorial bench and good luck at your mammo. 

TifJ

Good morning ladies. I had a rough time sleeping last night. I thought alot about LJ and Suze and I too wondered what dear Susan looked like. Thanks Painting for your description.

 I know it sounds selfish, but when I hear about another sister lost, I immediately go to my dark place and think "what if it was me...", but I think we probably all have that fear and it is very normal and that is why we are all here- to help ease the anxiety.

Inmate- I will be thinking of you today. Sending you a big hug!

Good thing for the day- the kids are on Spring Break this week and today we are going shopping for my DH's birthday tomorrow- will probably get some ice cream along the way!

Sorry for the rambling- is it too early for a nap?? LOL!!

TifJ

Hoping all goes well today Heidi!

MicheleS

{{Inmate}} Good luck today!

LRM216

Best of luck, Heidi - I hate those dang things - they hurt so much!  The bench sounds wonderful and I would definitely like to contribute. 

Linda

LRM216

Tif:

It's not selfish at all.  We all do it.  "There but for the grace of God......" is the mantra of each of us on this board.  Comes with the diagnose.

L.

swiftbird

TifJ,

I agree w L. I hardly slept a wink last night. Thinking of LJs and Susan's families. My husband would be so devestated; I worry more for him than myself to be honest. The randomness of it all just sucks.



I too thank Titan for starting this thread. Such a great outlet. I share everyghing with my DH but it's so great to also have peers who know exactly what you're thinking, without even having to spell it out. Or sometimes we cathartically (is that a word?) do... FC! lol

mccrimmon324

Honestly, I didn't sleep very well either.  I had some dreams revolving around LJ and Susan.  In the light of day I can see them both zipping around in expensive heels and little sports cars. 

Swiftbird, hubby and I don't have children, sadly it took BC for me to realize I am hubby's entire life, I do worry more about him, my main goal in life is to get us moved back up to Pennsylvania where we can be near family.  I do try to share everything with him but sharing our loss this week and some of my fears is so hard on him that I don't want him to make himself sick worrying.  It's why I choose to stay on this board, so I can be with all of you, we all just "get it" and I don't have to explain myself. 

Tifj, I don't think your being selfish at all, I think it's very normal for us too.  BC has changed us and now we are all a little different, not only do we grieve hard but now we worry just as hard too.

Thank you Titan for this thread!

TifJ

Thanks ladies! As usual you all make me feel better. I tell my husband everything too, but he just doesn't understand how I can be so upset about someone I've never "met". Now to get out of the dark place and into the light- the kids want to go shopping!!

gillyone

Checking in from my trip to England - visiting with my Mum at the moment. So sad and shocked to hear about LJ and Susan. Inmate - hoping for the best of news for you.

As we all know, we have other TNs who are now stage IV who will continue to need our support - Jenn from my chemo thread, MJB, Becca and blondelawyer immediately spring to mind.

In keeping with LJ, the best thing that happened today was to go shopping with my mother and buy her a new coat for mothers day which is Sunday here. We have talked and talked since I arrived. I generally only see her once a year so it's good to be able to make the most of family time. With the deaths of LJ and Susan, we are reminded to enjoy the time we have with our families.