Hope to make you smile/Christian humor

csp · March 2006

Out of the mouths of God's kids...

A small boy told a Sunday school teacher: "When you die, God takes care of you like your parents did when you were alive only God doesn't yell at you all the time."

via Rev. Dennis R. Fakes

Lodi, CA

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A woman invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to her six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?"

"I wouldn't know what to say," the little girl replied.

"Just say what you hear Mommy say," the mother said.

The little girl bowed her head and said: "Dear Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"

via Charles Laine

Franklin, TN

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A pastor was speaking to a group of second-graders about the resurrection of Jesus when one student asked, "What did Jesus say right after He came out of the grave?"

The pastor explained that the Gospels do not tell us what He said.

The hand of one little girl shot up. "I know what He said: He said, 'Tah-dah!'"

via Andy Fisher

Anyone else have a smile to share

hugs,

Carrie

Sierra · April 2006

LOL...... tks.. Carrie

I like the second one..

Hugs

Boop · April 2006

Thanks Carrie, I needed a good laugh this morning...I am like Sierra, I liked the second one best..

Here is one for you all:

Who Is The Real Virgin?

A ten-year-old, under the tutelage of her grandmother, was becoming knowledgeable about the Bible.
But one day, she surprised her grandmother by asking, "Which virgin was the mother of Jesus? The Virgin Mary or the King James Virgin?"

Hugs and God Bless,
Cherie

beachcottage · April 2006

Thanks Carrie and Cherie
LOL!

xoxo
Patti

csp · April 2006

I'm glad you liked them , my favorite was the last one too!
here's a couple more.....
hugs and love,
Carrie

I had been teaching my three-year old daughter the Lord's Prayer. For several evenings at bedtime, she would repeat after me the lines from the prayer. Finally, she decided to go solo. I listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word, right up to the end of the prayer: "Lead us not into temptation," she prayed, "but deliver us some E-mail. Amen."

And one particular four-year old prayed, "And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets."

Boop · April 2006

Here's one, hope you all enjoy!!

A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day.

Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting,

he looked up and said, "Grandma, how come you don't have a

boyfriend now that Grandpa went ! to heaven?"

Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my

bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me

feel good and the comedies make me laugh.

I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend."

Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible.

She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus.

Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix
the
problem.

The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the
door,

and there stood Grandma's minister.

The minister said, "Hello, son, is your Grandma home?"

The little boy replied,

"Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend."

The minister fainted

Hugs and God Bless,
Cherie

beachcottage · April 2006

Cherie
I am LOL!
thank you

xoxo
Patti

Boop · April 2006

The White Lie Cake

Have you ever told a white lie? You are going to love this.... especially all of the ladies who bake for church events.

Alice Grayson was to bake a cake for the Baptist Church ladies' group bake sale in Tuscaloosa, but she forgot to do it until the last minute. She remembered it the morning of the bake sale and after rummaging through cabinets she found an angel food cake mix and quickly made it while drying her hair, dressing and helping her son Bryan pack up for Scout camp. But when Alice took the cake from the oven, the center had dropped flat and the cake was horribly disfigured. She said, "Oh dear, there's no time to bake another cake." This cake was so important to Alice because she did so want to fit in at her new church, and in her new community of new friends. So, being inventive, she looked around the house for something to build up the center of the cake. Alice found it in the bathroom -- a roll of toilet paper. She plunked it in and then covered it with icing. Not only did the finished product look beautiful, it looked perfect! Before she left the house to drop the cake by the church and head for work, Alice woke her daughter Amanda and gave her some money and specific instructions to be at the bake sale the minute it opened at 9:30, and to buy that cake and bring it home. When the daughter arrived at the sale, she found that the attractive perfect cake had already been sold. Amanda grabbed her cell phone and called her Mom.

Alice was horrified. She was beside herself. Everyone would know,
what would they think? Oh, my she wailed! She would be ostracized, talked about, ridiculed. All night Alice lay awake in bed thinking about people pointing their fingers at her and talking about her behind her back. The next day, Alice promised herself that she would try not to think about the cake and she would attend the fancy luncheon/bridal shower at the home of a friend of a friend and try to have a good time. Alice did not really want to attend because the hostess was a snob who more than once had looked down her nose at the fact that Alice was a single parent and not from the founding families of Tuscaloosa, but having already RSVP'd she could not think of a believable excuse to stay home. The meal was elegant, the company was definitely upper crust old South and to Alice's horror, the CAKE in question was presented for dessert.

Alice felt the blood drain from her body when she saw the cake, she started, out of her chair to rush to tell her hostess all about it, but before she could get to her feet, the Mayor's wife said, "What a beautiful
cake!" Alice, who was still stunned, sat back in her chair when she heard the hostess (who was a prominent church member) say, Thank you, I baked it myself."

Alice smiled and thought to herself, "GOD is good."

Hugs and God Bless,
Cherie

csp · April 2006

Cherie I loved that too funny!!
here's one........

There was a group of scientists and they were all sitting around discussing which one of them was going to go to God and tell Him that they didn't need him anymore.

One of the scientists volunteered and went to go tell God he was no longer needed.

The scientist says to God - "God, you know, a bunch of us have been thinking and I've come to tell you that we really don't need you anymore. I mean, we've been coming up with great theories and ideas, we've cloned sheep, and we're on the verge of cloning humans. So as you can see, we really don't need you."

God nods understandingly and says. "I see. Well, no hard feelings.
But before you go let's have a contest. What do you think?"

The scientist says, "Sure. What kind of contest?"
God: "A man-making contest."

The scientist: "Sure! No problem".
The scientist bends down and picks up a handful of dirt and says, "Okay, I'm ready!"

God replies, "No, no, no... You go get your own dirt."

hugs,
Carrie

csp · April 2006

okay another ,

The Pope, Billy Graham, and Oral Roberts were in a three-way plane crash over the Pacific Ocean. They all died and went to heaven together.

"Oh, this is terrible," exclaims St. Peter, "I know you guys think we summoned you here, but this is just one of those coincidences that happen. Since we weren't expecting you, your quarters just aren't ready... We can't take you in and we can't send you back."

Then he got an idea. He picked up the phone, "Lucifer, this is Pete. Hey, I got these three guys up here. They're ours, but we weren't expecting them, and we gotta fix the place up for 'em. I was hoping you could put them up for a while. It'll only be a couple of days. What d'ya say?"

Reluctantly, the Devil agreed.

However, Two days later St. Peter got a call. "Pete, this is Lucifer. Hey you gotta come get these three clowns. This Pope fellow is forgiving everybody, the Graham guy is saving everybody, and that Oral Roberts has raised enough money to buy air conditioning!"

hugs,
Carrie

lexi4 · April 2006

You girls made me smile!! I love the humor!!

Love,
Lexi

Boop · April 2006

Say Cheese

It was almost time for school to dismiss and a mother noticed it looked like rain. So she drove toward school to pick up her eight-year-old daughter.

She turned down the street to see her daughter running toward her down the sidewalk. A lightning bolt flashed and the little girl looked up towards the sky,
smiled and then began running toward her mother's van. Another lightning bolt flashed and again the little girl looked towards the sky, smiled and resumed running.
This happened several more times until the little girl finally arrived at where her mother was parked.

Her mom immediately inquired as to the strange behavior.
"Why did you keep stopping and smiling at the sky?" she asked her daughtter. "I had to, Mommy. God was taking my picture."

Hugs and God Bless,
Cherie

csp · April 2006

That is so cute Cherie, I liked that one, reminds me when mine were little.

A Sunday school teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."

The preacher was wired for sound with a lapel microphone, & as he preached, he moved briskly about the platform, jerking the mike cord as he went. Then he moved to one side, getting wound up in the cord & nearly tripping before jerking it again. After several circles & jerks, a little girl in the third pew leaned toward her mother & whispered, "If he gets loose, will he hurt us?"

Six-year old Angie & her four-year old brother Joel were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang & talked out loud. Finally, his big sister had had enough. "You're not supposed to talk out loud in church." "Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked. Angie pointed to the back of the church & said, "See those two men standing by the door? They're hushers."

A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5, and Ryan, 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. "If Jesus were sitting here, He would say 'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait'". Kevin turned to his younger brother & said, "Ryan, you be Jesus!"

A father was at the beach with his children when his four-year old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, & led him to the shore, where a seagull lay dead in the sand. "Daddy, what happened to him?" the son asked. "He died & went to Heaven," the dad replied. The boy thought a moment & then said, "Did God throw him back down?"

A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments. They were ready to discuss the last one. The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was. Susie raised her hand, stood tall, & shouted, "Thou shall not take the covers off thy neighbor's wife."

At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny, a child in the kindergarten class, seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying as though he was ill, & asked, "Johnny what is the matter?" Little Johnny responded, "I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife!"

This last one is out of the mouth of my co-workers 3-year old son Reese: "Our father, who does art in heaven, Howard is his name...."

Hugs,
Carrie

csp · April 2006

A lady on an airliner was reading her bible. The man sitting next to her gave a little chuckle and asked, "You don't really believe all that stuff in there do you?"

"Of course I do. It is the Bible." the lady replies!

"Well, what about that guy that was swallowed by that whale?" he asked.

"Oh, Jonah ... Yes, I believe that, it is in the Bible." she replied.

"Well, how do you suppose he survived all that time inside the whale?" he asked.

"Well, I don't really know. I guess when I get to heaven, I will ask him." said the lady.

"What if he isn't in heaven?" the man asked sarcastically.

"Then YOU can ask him." replied the lady!

Carrie

sharon68 · April 2006

Cherie & Carrie ....you guys could fill up a book....thanks for the smiles

P.S Carrie ...love your saying below all your posts....that's the best place for our hurts.....Sharon F

takingcare · April 2006

These are all terrific, thank you for sharing such fun-loving warmth.

Here's another...

Sunday Best

A little boy opened the big family Bible with fascination, and looked at the old pages as he turned them. Suddenly something fell out of the Bible.

He picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that had been pressed between the pages.

"Mama, look what I found!" the boy called out.

"What do you have dear?" she asked.

With astonishment in his voice, the young boy replied, "I think it's Adam's suit!"

Boop · April 2006

A little girl: was talking to her teacher about whales.

The teacher: said it was physically impossible for a whale
to swallow a human because even though it was a very large
mammal its throat was very small.

The little girl: stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher: reiterated that a whale could not
swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl: said, "When I get to heaven I will ask
Jonah".

The teacher: asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"

The little girl: replied, "Then you ask him".

_____________________________________________________________

A Kindergarten teacher: was observing her classroom of
children while they were drawing. She would occasionally
walk around to see each child's work.

As she got to one little girl who was working diligently,
she asked what the drawing was.

The girl: replied, "I'm drawing God."

The teacher: paused and said, "But no one knows what God
looks like."

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the
girl: replied, "They will in a minute."

____________________________________________________________

A Sunday school teacher: was discussing the Ten Commandments
with her five and six year olds.

After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and
thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches
us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"

Without missing a beat one little boy: (the oldest of a
family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."
____________________________________________________________

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do
the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that
her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in
contrast on her brunette head.

She looked at her m other and inquisitively asked, "Why are>some of your hairs white, Mom?"

Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something
wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns
white."

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while
and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are
white?"
_____________________________________________________________

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was
trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group
picture.

"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are
all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,'
or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'

A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's
the teacher, she's dead."
_____________________________________________________________

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the
blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now,
class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would
run into it, and I would turn red in the face..."

"Yes," the class said.

"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the
ordinary positions the blood doesn't run into my feet?"
A little fellow shouted,

"Cause your feet aint empty."
_____________________________________________________________

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic
elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a
large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the
apple tray:

"Take only ONE. God is watching"

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the
table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.

A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is
watching the apples.

Hugs and God Bless,
Cherie

csp · April 2006

Mr. Johnson, a businessman from Wisconsin, went on a business trip to
Louisiana. He immediately sent an e-mail back home to his wife, Jennifer (JenJohnson@AOL.com).

Unfortunately, he forgot his wife's exact email address and the e-mail ended up going to a Mrs. Joan Johnson (JJohnson@AOL.com) of New Jersey, the wife of a preacher who had just passed away.

The preacher's wife took one look at the e-mail and promptly fainted.

When she was finally revived by her daughter, she nervously pointed to the message, which read: "Arrived safely, but it sure is hot down here."

Carrie

Boop · April 2006

Carrie, I liked that one, it was cute...

Church Bulletins They're Back! Church Bulletins. Thank God for church
ladies with typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in church
bulletins or were announced in church services.

The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.

The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight
"Searching for Jesus."

Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the
recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.

Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those
things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands.

The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due toa conflict.

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community.

Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't
care much about you.

Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.

Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving
obvious pleasure to the congregation.

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery
downstairs.

Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the
help they can get.

Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more
transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of
Pastor Jack's sermons.

The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will
sing "Break Forth Into Joy."

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the
church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music
will follow.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?"
Come early and listen to our choir practice.

Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of
several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled.
Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased
person you want remembered.

The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and
gracious hostility. Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and
medication to follow.

The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may
be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across
from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies
are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.

The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would
lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the
back door.

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the
Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend
this tragedy.

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church.
Please use large double door at the side entrance.

The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan
last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours

Hugs and God Bless,
Cherie

Boop · April 2006

A man and wife attended church one evening,
and the wife decided that it was time to stop her
husband from sleeping in Church. So, she took
her hat pin and decided she would poke him
every time he fell asleep. Right about the first time he falls asleep,
the preacher asks, "And who created the
Universe?" The wife poked her husband
and he awakes and yells, "My God!"

The second time he falls asleep,
the preacher asks, "And who died on the
cross for you?" She pokes her husband
and he screams, "Jesus Christ!"

The third time, the Preacher asks,
" And what did Eve say to Adam after she
bore him his 99th son?"

The wife pokes her husband and he jumps
up and yells, "By God, if you poke me
with that thing one more time,
I am going to break it OFF!"

Hugs and God Bless,
Cherie

csp · April 2006

Catholic Dictionary

Time to brush up even if you're not Catholic! You never know when, or by whom, you might be tested!

AMEN: The only part of a prayer that everyone knows.

BULLETIN: Your receipt for attending Mass.

CHOIR: A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the Parish to
lip-sync.

HOLY WATER: A liquid whose chemical formula is H2OLY.

HYMN: A song of praise usually sung in a key three octaves higher than that of the congregation's range.

INCENSE: Holy Smoke!

JESUITS: An order of priests known for their ability to find colleges with good basketball teams.

JONAH: The original "Jaws" story.

JUSTICE: When kids have kids of their own.

KYRIE ELEISON: The only Greek words that most Catholics can recognize besides gyros and baklava

MAGI: The most famous trio to attend a baby shower.

MANGER: Where Mary gave birth to Jesus because Joseph wasn't covered by an HMO. The Bible's way of showing us that holiday travel has always been rough.

PEW: A medieval torture device still found in Catholic churches.

PROCESSION: The ceremonial formation at the beginning of Mass consisting of altar servers, the celebrant, and late parishioners looking for seats.

RECESSIONAL: The ceremonial procession at the conclusion of Mass led by parishioners trying to beat the crowd to the parking lot.

RECESSIONAL HYMN: The last song at Mass often sung a little more quietly, since most of the people have already left.

RELICS: People who have been going to Mass for so long, they actually know when to sit, kneel, and stand.

TEN COMMANDMENTS: The most important Top Ten list not given by David Letterman.

USHERS: The only people in the parish who don't know the seating capacity of a pew.

Hugs,
Carrie

csp · April 2006

The End Is Near
A priest and a pastor from the local churches are standing by the side of the road, pounding a sign into the ground that reads: "The End Is Near! Turn Yourself Around Now -- Before It's Too Late!"

As a car sped past them, the driver yelled, "Leave us alone, you religious nuts!" From the curve they heard screeching tires and a big splash.

The pastor turns to the priest and asks, "Do you think the sign should just say 'Bridge Out'?"

hugs,
Carrie

csp · May 2006

Who is the Real Virgin?
A ten-year-old, under the tutelage of her grandmother, was becoming quite knowledgeable about the Bible. Then one day she floored her grandmother by asking, "Which virgin was the mother of Jesus? The virgin Mary or the King James Virgin?"

Carrie

Boop · May 2006

Long Hair

A young boy had just gotten his driver's permit and inquired of his father,
an evangelist, if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said, "
I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up from a C to a B
average, study your Bible a little, get your hair cut and we'll talk about
the car."

Well, the boy thought about that for a moment, and decided that he'd settle
for the offer, and they agreed on it. After about six weeks they went into
the study, where his father said, "Son, I've been real proud.

You brought your grades up, and I've observed that you have been studying
your Bible, and participating a lot more in the Bible study groups. But, I'm
real
disappointed, since you haven't gotten your hair cut."

The young man paused a moment, and then said, "You know, Dad, I've been
thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that
Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair
and there's even a strong argument that Jesus had long hair."

To this his father replied, "Did you also notice that they all walked
everywhere they went?"

Hugs and God Bless,
Cherie

csp · May 2006

Cherie I liked that one, I can relate having raised 4 children!
lol

This is a compilation of actual Church Bulletins and Service
bloopers:

Our next song is "Angels We Have Heard Get High".
*
Don't let worry kill you--let the church help.
*
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church
and community.
*
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we
have a nursery downstairs.
*
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. at the First
Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the
side entrance.
*
Jean will be leading a weight-management series Wednesday
nights. She's used the program herself and has been
growing like crazy!
*
The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the
birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs.
Julius Belzer.
*
This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and
North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at
both ends.
*
Tuesday at 4:00 p.m. there will be an ice cream social.
All ladies giving milk will please come early.
*
This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come
forward and lay an egg on the altar.
*
The service will close with Little Drops of Water. One of
the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the
congregation will join in.
*
Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray
the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do
something on the carpet should come forward and do so.
*
The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every
kind. They can be seen in the church basement Saturday.

Thursday night--Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
*
Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the
addition of several new members and to the deterioration
of some older ones.
*
The senior choir invites any member of the congregation
who enjoys sinning to join the choir.
*
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be
"What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
*
During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare
privilege of hearing a good sermon when A. B. Doe
supplied our pulpit.
*
The Rev. Adams spoke briefly, much to the delight of his audience.
*
The church is glad to have with us today as our guest
minister the Rev. Shirley Green, who has Mrs. Green with
him. After the service we request that all remain in the
sanctuary for the Hanging of the Greens.
*
The eighth graders will be presenting Shakespeare's
Hamlet" in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The
congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
*
The 1991 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.
*
Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.
*
Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan in
preparing for the girth of their first child.
*
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items
to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple
children.

hugs,
Carrie

csp · May 2006

THE SAINTS SING THE HITS!

Noah: "Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head"
Adam and Eve: "Strangers in Paradise"
Lazarus: "The Second Time Around"
Esther: "I Feel Pretty"
Job: "I've Got a Right to Sing the Blues"
Moses: "The Wanderer"
Jezebel: "The Lady is a Tramp"
Samson: "Hair"
Salome: "I Could Have Danced All Night"
Daniel: "The Lion Sleeps Tonight"
Joshua: "Good Vibrations"
Peter: "I'm Sorry"
Esau: "Born To Be Wild"
Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego: "Great Balls of Fire!"
The Three Kings: "When You Wish Upon a Star"
Jonah: "Got a Whale of a Tale"
Elijah: "Up, Up, and Away"
Methuselah: "Stayin' Alive"
Nebuchadnezzar: "Crazy"

Boop · May 2006

Lying is a Sin

Aminister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help I want you all to read Mark 17."

The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many read Mark 17.

Every hand went up.

The minister smiled and said, "Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will now procedd with my sermon on the sin of lying."

Hugs and God Bless,
Cherie

Boop · May 2006

Poor Attendance

Preacher; "How come I never see you in church anymore, Morris?"

Morris; "There are too many hypocrites there, Reverend."

Preacher; "Don't worry Morris, there's always room for one more."

Hugs and God Bless,
Cherie

Anonymous · June 2006

Don't Be Late

*A priest was being honoured at his retirement dinner after 25 years in
the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation
was chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the
dinner. He was delayed, so the priest decided to say his own few words
while they waited.*

*"I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I
heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very
first person to enter my confessional told me he had stolen a television
set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of
it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer,
had an affair with his boss' wife, taken illegal drugs and he had given
VD to his sister. I was appalled. But as the days went on I knew that
my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine
parish full of good and loving people."*

*Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of
apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation
and gave his talk. "I'll never forget the first day our parish priest
arrived," said the politician. "In fact, I had the honor of being the
first one to go to him in confession."*

* *

*Moral: DON'T EVER BE LATE*

beachcottage · June 2006

mey the fleas of a thousand camels infest

the crotch of the person who screws up

your day, and may their arms be too short

to scratch

AMEN

sounds like
a prayer Sophia
from Golden Girls
would come up~~~lol

xoxo
Patti

csp · June 2006

lol Patti that reminds me of Johnny Carson!
I can't remember the name of the charater???

Second Try
The insurance salesman, trying to start up a conversation with another fella said, "Who is the ugly lady over there?"

The second man said, "Why, that's my wife!"

Trying to get out of an embarrassing situation, the salesman said, "No, not her, the other one!"

The second man said, "That's my daughter!"

hugs,
Carrie

Hope to make you smile/Christian humor

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