Hope to make you smile/Christian humor

Anonymous

Too funny!! Some days, it's just not your day!!

csp

Lol Sherry I swear that would happen to me!

Okay one more thought this was cute~

Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better on their computer. They had been going at it for what seemed like an eternity.



Finally God said, "Cool it you two, I will conduct a contest that will last 2 hours, and I will judge who does the best job.



So Satan and Jesus sat down at their keyboards and went at it.



They typed.

They moused.

They did spreadsheets.

They wrote reports.

They sent faxes.

They sent e-mails.

They sent attachments.

They downloaded.

They made cards.

They did every known job that a computer could do.



But 5 minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder clapped, the rain poured, and of course the electricity went off. Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in hell. Jesus just sighed.



The electricity flicked and then came back on.



They both restarted their computers. Satan started searching frantically and screamed, "It's gone. It's all gone. I lost everything when the power went off."



Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of the files from the past 2 hours. Satan observed this and become irate.



"Wait! He cheated! How did he do it?"



God shrugged and said, "Jesus saves."


Hugs,
Carrie

Anonymous

Well Carrie, seems we have something else in common too -- I've been known to put my foot in it and the more I try to "fix" it the worse I make it. I've always just put it down to being Sagittarius!

Liked this one too!!

csp

One-liners:

A lot of kneeling will keep you in good standing.
He who kneels before God can stand before anyone.
To be almost saved is to be totally lost.
When praying, don't give God instructions - just report for
duty.
Most people want to serve God, but only in an advisory
position.
Coincidences happen when God chooses to remain anonymous.
If God is your co-pilot - swap seats.




Did you know that:

1. Psalm 118 is the middle chapter of the entire Bible?

2. Psalm 117 is the shortest chapter in the Bible?

3. Psalm 119 is the longest chapter in the Bible?

4. The Bible has 594 chapters before Psalm 118 and 594 chapters after Psalm 118?

5. If you add up all the chapters except Psalm 118, you get a total of 1188 chapters.

6. 1188 or Psalm 118:8 is the middle verse of the entire Bible? Should the central verse not have an important message? "It is better to take refuge in the Lord than to trust in man." Psalm 118:8



A 7-year old boy proudly tells his father: "I finally know what the Bible means!" Surprised the father replied: "What do you mean, you "know" what the Bible means? What does it mean?" "That's easy, dad.......It stands for Basic Instructions Before Leaving Earth."


Hugs,
Carrie

csp

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl
Whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed
In white?" "Because white is the color of happiness,
And today is the happiest day of her life." The
Child thought about this for a moment, then said,

"So why is the groom wearing black?"


A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was
Running as fast as she could, trying not to be late
For Bible class. As she ran she prayed, "Dear Lord,
Please don't let me be late! Dear Lord, please don't
Let me be late!" While she was running and praying,
She tripped on a curb and fell -- getting her clothes
Dirty and tearing her dress. She got up, brushed
Herself off, and started running again. As she ran
She once again began to pray, "Dear Lord, please
Don't let me be late . . . But please don't shove me either!"



God loves everyone, but probably prefers "fruits of the spirit" over "religious nuts!"


Hugs,
Carrie

sahalie

Quote:

---

I've always just put it down to being Sagittarius!

---

Sherry,

I'm Sagittarius too!

csp

http://upchucky.com/flash-fun/butt-prints.html

Hugs,
Carrie

csp

Minister: Do you know what's in the Bible?
Little Girl: Yes. I think I know everything that's in it.
Minister: You do? Tell me.
Little Girl: OK. There's a picture of my brother's girlfriend, a ticket from the dry cleaners, one of my curls, and a Pizza Hut coupon.
(Mark Brown, "Comedy Comes Clean")


A young girl once confessed to her priest that she thought she was guilty of the sin of pride. She said, "When I look in the mirror, I think I am beautiful." The priest said, "That's not a sin, that's a mistake."
(Rev. James Whitcomb Brougher, Sr.)


Some people say, "I go to church, so I am a Christian." But that's like saying if you go to McDonald's you are a Quarter Pounder
(Adam Christing)



* This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
hugs,
Carrie

csp

This was written by an 8 year old from Chula Vista, CA, for his third grade homework assignment, which was to explain God.

Explain God

One of God's main jobs is making people. He makes them to replace the ones that die, so there will be enough people to take care of things on earth.

He doesn't make grown-ups, just babies. I think because they are smaller and easier to make. That way He doesn't have to take up His valuable time teaching them to talk and walk. He can just leave that to mothers and fathers.

God's second most important job is listening to prayers. An awful lot of this goes on, since some people, like preachers and things, pray at times beside bedtime. God doesn't have time to listen to the radio or TV because of this. Because He hears everything, there must be a terrible lot of noise in His ears, unless He has thought of a way to turn it off.

God sees everything and hears everything and is everywhere, which keeps Him pretty busy. So you shouldn't go wasting His time by going over your mom and dad's head asking for something they said you couldn't have.

Atheists are people who don't believe in God. I don't think there are any in Chula Vista. At least there aren't any who come to our church.

Jesus is God's Son. He used to do all the hard work like walking on water and performing miracles and trying to teach the people who didn't want to learn about God. They finally got tired of Him preaching to them and they crucified Him. But He was good and kind, like His Father and He told His Father that they didn't know what they were doing and to forgive them and God said O.K. His Dad (God) appreciated everything that He had done and all His hard work on earth so He told Him He didn't have to go out on the road anymore. He could stay in heaven. So He did. And now He helps His Dad out by listening to prayers and seeing things which are important for God to take care of and which ones He can take care of Himself without having to bother God. Like a secretary, only more important.

You can pray anytime you want and they are sure to help you because they got it worked out so one of them is on duty all the time. You should always go to church on Sunday because it makes God happy, and if there's anybody you want to make happy, it's God. Don't skip church to do something you think will be more fun like going to the beach. This is wrong. And besides the sun doesn't come out at the beach until noon anyway. If you don't believe in God, besides being an atheist, you will be very lonely, because your parents can't go everywhere with you, like to camp, but God can. It is good to know He's around you when you're scared in the dark or when you can't swim and you get thrown into real deep water by big kids.

But... you shouldn't just always think of what God can do for you. I figure God put me here and He can take me back anytime He pleases. And..That's why I believe in God.

Danny

csp

"There will be a meeting of the Board immediately after the service," announced the pastor. After the close of the service, the group gathered at the back of the auditorium for the announced meeting. But there was a stranger in their midst. He was a visitor who had never attended their church before. "My friend," asked the pastor, did you understand that this is a meeting of the Board?" "Yes," said the
visitor, "and after that sermon, I'm about as bored as you can get!"


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Minister: Do you know what's in the Bible?
Little Girl: Yes. I think I know everything that's in it.
Minister: You do? Tell me.
Little Girl: OK. There's a picture of my brother's girlfriend, a ticket from the dry cleaners, one of my curls, and a Pizza Hut coupon.
(Mark Brown, "Comedy Comes Clean")


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


The First Parent - by Bill Cosby


Whenever your kids are out of control, you can take comfort from the
thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to his kids.

After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the
first thing God said to them was: "Don't" "Don't what?" Adam asked.
"Don't eat the forbidden fruit," said God.

"Forbidden fruit? Really? Where is it?" Adam and Eve asked jumping
up and down excitedly." "It's over there," said God, wondering why he
hadn't stopped after making the elephants.

A few minutes later God saw the kids having an apple break and he was
very angry. "Didn't I tell you not to eat that fruit?" The First Parent asked.
"Uh huh," Adam replied.
"Then why did you do it?" God asked exasperatedly.
"I dunno, " Adam answered.

God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their
own. Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed.

But there is a reassurance in this story. If you have persistently and
lovingly tried to give your children wisdom and they haven't taken it,
don't be so hard on yourself. If God had trouble handling his
children, what makes you think it should be a piece of cake for you?

csp

Stop bleeding while shaving. Dab on some ChapStick if you nick yourself.

Prevent car battery corrosion. Smear ChapStick on clean car battery terminals.

Lubricate a zipper. Rub ChapStick along the teeth of the zipper to make it zip smoothly.

Moisturize skin. Rubbing ChapStick on your face protects the skin from windburn while snow skiing.

Remove a ring stuck on a finger. Coat finger with ChapStick and slide the ring off.

Lubricate nails and screws. Nails and screws rubbed with ChapStick will go into wood more easily.

Groom a mustache or eyebrows. A little ChapStick will keep the ends of a mustache waxed together and keep bushy eyebrow hairs in place.

Shine leather shoes. In a pinch, rub ChapStick over the leather and buff with a dry, clean cloth.

Lubricate furniture drawers and windows. Rub ChapStick on the casters of drawers and windows so they slide open and shut easily.

Prevent hair coloring from dying your skin. Rub ChapStick along your hairline before coloring your hair.

csp

A Selection of Prayers

*Lord, help me to relax about insignificant details, beginning tomorrow at 11:41.23 a.m. EST

*God, help me to consider people's feelings, even if most of them are hypersensitive and wrong.

*God, help me to take responsibility for my own actions, even though they're usually not my fault.

*God, help me to try not to run everything; but if You need some help, just ask.

*Lord, help me to be more laid back and help me do it exactly right.

*Lord, help me to stand up for my rights [if you don't mind my asking].

*God, help me to take things more seriously, especially parties and dancing.

*God, give me more patience, right now.

*Lord, help me not to be a perfectionist [did I spell that correctly?].

*God, help me to finish everything I sta

*God, help me to keep my mind on one th - look, a bird - ing at a time.

*God, help me to do only what I can and trust you for the rest. But it would help if you put that in writing.

*Lord, keep me open to the ideas of others, wrong though they may be.

*Lord, help me to be less independent, but let me do it my way.

*Lord, help me to follow established procedures today; on second thought, I'll settle for a few minutes.

*Lord, help me to slow down andnottorushthroughwhatIdo.

*Lord, thanks for helping me not be a bigot like all those other people....

*God, I am happy to report that I did this great work all for you. I know you could not do it yourself.

*O God, please please let me win this lottery: I promise to pay you 10%. cross my heart and hope to die.

*Dear God, help me get revenge on these people because they really have hurt me. By the way, thank you for forgiving me my sins.

*Lord, I dedicate my life to you, so long you do not touch my bank account and do not mess about with my golf schedule, and my choice of office secretary.

-Submitted by CJ

csp

Relatively

Einstein climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God.

Looking up, he asks the Lord... "God, what does a million years mean to you?"

The Lord replies, "A minute."

Einstein asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?"

The Lord replies, "A penny."

Einstein asks, "Can I have a penny?"

The Lord replies, "In a minute."



here's another one...

Afriad Of The Dark

A little boy was afraid of the dark. One night his mother told him to go out to the back porch and bring her the broom.
The little boy turned to his mother and said, "Mama, I don't want to go out there. It's dark."

The mother smiled reassuringly at her son. "You don't have to be afraid of the dark," she explained. "Jesus is out there. He'll look after you and protect you."

The little boy looked at his mother real hard and asked, "Are you sure he's out there?"

"Yes, I'm sure. He is everywhere, and he is always ready to help you when you need him," she said.

The little boy thought about that for a minute and then went to the back door and cracked it a little. Peering out into the darkness, he called, "Jesus? If you're out there, would you please hand me the broom?"

PuppyFive

Sure made me Smile!!!!!! Thank You!!!! Puppy