So how did your husband or SO react?

jem - I am sorry you are not feeling supported, especially when you are in the beginning, which is the worst!  Men are fixers, and when they can't fix it they feel helpless.  Men can also be the biggest babies!  They don't know how to handle the fear of losing us.  At first my DH was very supportive and involved.  He didn't research but would listen to me when I wanted to explain something.  He has been great during the surgeries (I have had 6 so far) because there were concrete things that needed to be done.  He strruggled with chemo - it scared him.  I noticed that he stopped coming in to talk to the doc before the infusion, he stayed in the waiting room.  During the infusion he would watch a movie on his ipad.  At first I was bothered but then I realized that he is scared, and I have to let him deal with it in his own way.  This is a military combat aircraft man - not easily rattled!  He was there if I needed him, but he needed to detach from the process a little.  You most likely can't change your DH's reactions, but you may find that he evolves as you progress through this.  I know that it is hard right now when it SHOULD be all about you!  Sending you a hug!

Me developing BC hit Hubby real hard as the only time I've ever been 'sick' (other than colds) was my 2 C-sections - so in his mind there is never supposed to be anything 'wrong' with me. Also and what really was so scary to him goes back to when he was 9. Christmas Day afternoon his Mom was taken out of the house via ambulance. She died Jan 14 of Cervical Cancer. He never saw her again and his Dad never told him anything - he actually learned she had died when he got to school and his teacher told him she was so sorry his Mom had died.



He only went to 1 Dr. Appt with me and just sat there stareing at his feet until the Dr told him to go wait in the waiting room. He went to that one because of what the guys at work told him he had to do - WRONG. I'm a strong old broad, an USAF 'brat', a WAC, and a 20 yr USN wife - I can handle whatever I need to and am comfortable doing it. As I see, it he shows me support by letting me be me and handle all that I can but I always know that he is in the background and will step up IF I need or want help. For me, Chemo would have been horrible if he or Son had been sitting there watching the poison drip into me - they knew it but and both made arrangements wth their jobs to have their cells on (both companies did not allow private cells on while working) when I had Chemo and Rads in case the Center needed to call.



I drove myself to all appt., chemo and rads. I was taken for my port implant and rad. mod. mast.. In the last approx. 6 weeks he has driven me to appt. Because I developed cataracts and didn't feel comfortable driving in busy town traffic - the takes me and goes to get a soda pop or coffee and waits outside for me to come out. (Second cataract surgery is next Wed. so I'll be back driving myself real soon.)



When I wasn't feeling up to doing 'things', he and Son took over. Basically, Son took over the horses care and Hubby the house and meals.



My point is - we are all different in all ways. What is 'right' for one is potentially 'wrong' for someone else. Do not measure anything by what someone else says is 'right'. What is support to one is not necessarily support to everyone. Look for the positive - not the negative.

When I told my husband I was Stage IV, he said, "Well, babe, we all gotta die sometime."  

I cracked up, really.  

He is a male and not a talker and I don't think women should look to men as if they were girls.  They are practical and unemotional on the outside, as a rule.  Inside, they can be torn up, especially when something isn't fixable, but they don't often show it.

But, despite the fact that we don't talk like girlfriends,  my husband has taken up the slack. He drives my son to places I can't anymore, he cooks even when he works from 8:00 to 6:00, he does housecleaning, grocery shops, etc.  He has quietly been supportive and that's all I need.  If I need to "talk" about having cancer I do it on these boards, since these girls are the only ones who can understand it anyway.  (Or, I blog it).  

He leaves me alone to handle it my way.  He went to my first chemo because we weren't sure if I could drive after, and when it turned out to be a non-event, he didn't go to any others.  After two years there, I find it's my quiet time and I don't want him at "my place."  

When I got a major infection and spent time in the hospital, he was there and when I got out, unable to walk or eat and do anything, he stayed home and did it all.  But I told him one week and then he goes back to work and that's what he did.  It gave me incentive to be able to walk by then and that's what I did.  He doesn't fuss over me, which I would hate.  I'm very independant.  

I wouldn't say he lives in denial but he's just not talkative.  I've done the necessary paperwork to put him in charge when I get too sick and have told him a few things that I really want, but other than that, it's just sort of there and we don't talk.

I hope that you find the support you need.  I'm sorry your husband lives in denial, but maybe he's just so scared he doesn't know what to say.  Maybe the comment about men getting breast cancer wasn't his way of thinking about himself, but his way of trying to understand the disease.  

If you need him to go with you to appointments, than tell him. Men are usually good at doing what we say but not good at coming up with it on their own.   In case he forgets a date, make him program it in his phone.  

He may never be able to give you the support you think you need but if he can take the burdon off in some ways, than maybe that's good enough? 

As a 6 year survivor I realize in retrospect I couldn't have made it through without my support group and the unconditional love of family and friends.  My bc support group understood what I was going through and I gained such strength from them.  My ex~husband didn't know how to be there for me and after 12 surgeries and chemo, we grew apart, he found emotional support from another woman. I was married to a man who was very superficial and was no longer attracted to me. I'll never forget the appointment that my Mom went to with me and I discovered I was losing my breast after 3 lumpectomies.  I cried with the knowledge I was losing my marriage as well, the doc told me, " a strong marriage will grow stronger, but if there were issues before ...."  A good man will love his woman through it , regardless.  It's not all about them anymore and that's difficult for many men to handle.  I do have 3 awesome grown sons who did love me through it and went to my chemo treatments with me and my surgeries.  I believe they will always be there for the angels in their lives and love them more through their war wounds as we would stand by our man....  God Bless you ,  Missy in San Diego

kicks - hello from a 28 year Air Force wife!  We are some tough broads aren't we?

jem - this early part is really hard but you will feel better with a plan in place, and probably calmer yourself.  coolbreeze makes a great point that often men are good at doing what is requested, not so good at figuring out on their own what you might need or want!

My DH has been quietly supportive though talking about it is not something he can do. He's come with me to all surgeries, chemos, rads txs, and all onc appts. He slept in a chair next to my hospital bed the night after my mx, he's done all sorts of stuff  in the house  when I can't - in other words, sounds all warm and fuzzy but he does it in a matter-of-fact way that is him. He won't talk about emotions, etc, and I realize that he just can't so I don't force it. I have my friends here and others IRL for that - like OG56, "got by with a little help from my friends".

When I was first dx I wanted him to read the stuff I was about BC but he wouldn't. At first I was upset about that, especially after he was reading about DVTs online after an old man he was helping to care for was dx with that. Then I realized - it was his way of protecting himself, it was his way of dealing with it. So since I've realized that I tell him any info he needs, or else the onc explains things, so he knows what he needs to know.

What's interesting now is that I have bone mets and he's not  treating me like I'm terribly sick or in precarious health. What seems to be in his head is "The onc called it a chronic condition so by golly that's what it is and don't tell me different!" For me, this is perfect since he treats me normally but takes over doing what I can't since my main SE now is lack of stamina/tiredness. When we've heard about others with organ mets I can tell from his reaction that he's relating to it as if I don't have the same disease as these other women. It's his form of denial and it helps us to have a life that's more or less normal.

Jemije, best of luck with your treatments. It sounds to me like you realize your DH is doing what he can in his own way. It's not someone else's way, but he's not someone else.

Leah

I see thread's frequently with different people letting us down, whether it be sisters, husbands, mother's, friends.  Some people just don't know how to be supportive.  I would bet he's in a little shock himself and maybe hasn't had a chance to get outside himself.  I would not be afraid to tell him what you need.  I bet he's just floundering and he'll come through.  If not, find those you can rely on and use them.  

In general, maybe men are afraid to talk about breast cancer and leave it to the women.  When I was leaving the hospital, the nurse mentioned how lucky I was to have a supportive husband because a lot of husbands disappear.  I was stunned that she said "a lot" and not "some". So apparently this is not uncommon.  

I'm waiting for my biopsy results after yesterday, and while I don't yet have an official diagnosis I have a pretty good idea of what is coming.

Aside from my own emotions about this, my biggest concern is my hubby.  He has been dealing with his own series of health issues - i.e., diabetes, neuropathy, foot drop and muscle deterioration on his leg, and high blood pressure, and he is very resentful of having to use a cane.  (He was a competitive gymnast back in the day, very athletic, and never saw himself having limited mobility).  He is a trained practitioner in acupuncture, chinese medicine and other alternative health practices, which is great stuff, but also in his case, really underscores his deep mistrust of traditional western medicine.  And like someone else posted, it seems like nobody else but him can have a crisis sometimes - it always has to be about him, which has made me reluctant to share.

Likewise, it is naturally hard for me too to ask for anything and I've been the one with the full-time job, and I make sure the bills get paid.  I'm OK with that.  I've also kept worries to myself for the most part for a long time because I've felt like I didn't want to add to his problems.  I know I have to work on that, especially now, and I am.  Hubby and I have actually had some good talks overall since this started but it sure isn't easy.

He practically begged me not to consider chemo if it comes to that - and while I don't know yet, my philosophy is - you do what it takes to get better and make the best decisions you can for yourself.  In my case, I won't say no to that but I'll also take what treatments he'll offer and I asked him to respect that.  I  think he did take that to heart.

He seems worried more than anything about me losing my breast.  Well, while I don't know exactly what surgery will be recommended, I'm not really dwelling on that in particular yet because I'd rather lose that - than my life!  

I'm used to being strong for everyone else.  My sons, ages 22 and 19, are so awesome.  They are both in college and have their own lives, but they're being here for me and each other (for now they're both living at home).  I've had to ask them to be patient with their dad too.  

I know we really can't question why these things happen, but my sense is:  I needed a lesson in courage and to depend on my family for help.  I think this will also be a lesson to my hubby, to find his own strength.  

Your words of support and wisdom mean so much - this sticky situation isn't exactly the kind of thing I can ask the docs about, and hubby is not a believer in counseling.  

Hugs to all!

jemije5559 Men are not as strong as you think. They really are the weaker sex IMO when it comes to emotional stuff. The fact that your husband is saying "Can men get it" or avoiding going to appointments with you (avoiding bad news) might mean he is scared too.

I know initially my husband kept saying to me "we don't know if it's cancer yet until the biopsy." Well when your nipple had bloody discharge, was told no pappiloma and your BS starts to talk about how breast cancer is very treatable I knew I was screwed but DH still wanted to be in denial. 

As we all know the key to a good relationship is communication. You might need to let your husband know how is behavior is effecting you or let him know you need him right now to behave in certain ways (like come to you with your appointments). Of course don't do this when your angry. Your husband may have no idea that his behavior is effecting your this way.

Thank Adey on the IL thread for the betty white image. She's the one who emailed to me. So glad things are better. The fact that he has stopped saying hurtful things is most important. 

If you want your man to cook get him a grill

Hi all, so as I had suspected the biopsy did show cancer. I'm waiting now for the appointment with the surgeon. Based on the biopsy and MRI results I doubt that lumpectomy will be an option, although I won' t know for sure until after the appt on Tuesday. Hubby says he"s afraid I'll make a decision I'll regret i.e. mx, and only wants to talk about the negative risks and long term effects. I have tried to keep it "grown up" and tell him all I want is his love and support. This is why he's not going with me Tues; I'm takkng a friend instead. I feel a little bad but I can fill him all in later and I won't be a nervous wreck wondering what will come out of his mouth. I just told him I was okay to go by myself.



Now that I've had a week to sort of get used to the idea that I hsve cancer, some of my other deep fears are surfacing. Mostly, that hubby is so dependent on me and that will have to change at least for awhile. I have my sons and friends who have offered help and mean it, but I have always been a private person and this will be hard. Just wish tues was over so I could make plans.



Btw is it true thst sugar feeds cancer?



Sorry for rambling and thanks for listening! Hugs to all.