Haven't felt this fear in quite some time

Sunny, a few things you said really hit home for me:

"My onc wanted me to get an MRI, but I couldn't bear the anxiety of "knowing" so put it off until March '11."  I think that's where I've been the past few years where cancer is concerned.  My feelings are that if it has metastasized, it's incurable anyway, so why would I want to know if 2008 if I can be ignorant and happy in meantime before symptoms surface (in this case 2012). 

And this: "worried that my luck has run out and that I haven't appreciated my "second chance" enough."  <-- Yup, I think this ALOT.

Also, Coolbreeze: "Well, I think if your nodule was watched for an entire year and it didn't change, that that should free you from worry.  Cancer doesn't usually sit around for an entire year doing nothing."  This is why I didn't feel the second year of scanning necessary, but my doctor surely saw that differently.

You know where my anxiety is really coming from?  I'm worried about my family...my husband, who has undiagnosed cardiac problems himself; my mom who's elderly and also has health problems and is also having a hard time accepting my brothers health issues, so I'd hate to put more on her plate; and my daughter, who's an adult (26) but who is emotionally fragile and I know she couldn't handle me having bad news. 

I feel I've prepared myself the best I can that bad news could eventually come someday for me, but I'm not sure my family has.

It's really great to have all of you to say this out loud to. 

Got the report (reluctantly given to me by my husband who picked up my studies for me) and here's the scoop based on the report:

1. In the right middle lobe, there is a new 1.9 x 1.3 cm poorly marginated nodular density.  PET/CT is recommended for further evaluation.

(I'm assuming "poorly marginated" isn't a good thing.  Nothing written about calcifications on the report, which I know could be an indicator).

2. Stable subcentimeter nodular opacity in the right middle lobe

(in '08 it was 4 mm; in '09 in was 6 mm; and now it 7 mm, but I supposed it's considered "stable" because there's been such little growth over this long a time).

Mentally, I'm a bit stunned.  But my thinking is, and always have been, "it is what it is, and all the worrying and crying can't change it"....so, I must find my way through this.  Like I said in an earlier post, my biggest fear is telling the rest of my family.  But my husband and I both agree to wait until at least I see the doctor tomorrow before I even mention anything to my daughter, who has NO clue that anything is wrong whatsoever.  My mom, on the other hand, is waiting on pins and needles for the results of my Ct scan....I haven't told her I've gotten them already. 

Thank you kodapants and Veda.

Got some of the gorey details of the procedure today from the radiology nurse who called to tell me everything I needed to know for THE day.  Doesn't sound pretty.  Higher chance of a collapsed lung because of where it is located.

The doctors' nurse called me too, scheduling me for my...um, results (or in other words, my fate) is all set for the following friday (the 16th). 

Yeah, I'm getting really scared now.  I know I wouldn't be human if I wasn't, but dammit, I really had put this all behind me.  10 years....you're just never, ever safe.

I'm really needing this forum right now - gives me a place to say things out loud, instead of just listening to the noise in my brain.  So thanks for those who have stopped by, even for those of you reading who don't post, I know you're there, I do the same often   And for those who are offering their good vibes and hugs, just know it is very much appreciated.

Writing has always been therapeutic for me.  Not always so good at verbalizing my thoughts, but have always been able to put it in black and white quite easily.

I've also have never been silent about my cancer.  I want people to know, because I am the face of younger breast cancer (having been first diagnosed at 39 y/o) and I believe we all have something to teach about this wretched disease, maybe even moreso now, should I recurr after a Stage 1 diagnosis, negative nodes, and being 10 years out. 

This may not even be breast cancer, the thorasic surgeon said it could be lung cancer (I'm not a smoker either).

And, it may not be anything of significance, but I just told my husband last night just how small my hope has become that this is indeed, nothing.  He said, "I know you're quickly losing hope, but I still have at least 50% hope left that you're going to be ok".

Filled my boss in, needed him to know why I'm scheduling off so much.  He shared a story about his mother, who is now 87 and is a 24 year survivor of breast cancer, along with another cancer she had gotten 15 years ago.  Always good hearing stuff like that.

Update on my ongoing saga:

Went in today for the CT guided lung biopsy.  I was told ahead of time that this lesion is in a difficult area, near the diaphram and a fissure, and that it was going to be tricky.  I wasn't to move even a millimeter.  I did everything right, but once they punctured the lung, human response is to react, and even though I didn't move a muscle, apparently, my lung lost enough air and the needle no longer lined up. 

The could not continue.  I layed there in tears.  Now my answer will be delayed even longer.

I was in the hospital from 7:30 a.m. until 3:30 p.m., with no biopsy to show for it, a minor collapse lung, which was improving when I was discharged, but more pain when I breathe, as if I didn't already have enough of that.

The only good thing I can say about today was the care I received was just remarkable.  From the nurse who gave me an ativan and held my hand throughout, the CT doctor who explained everything in very clear terms, assuring me it wasn't my fault, the recovery nurses, and even my future son-in-law, who is the xray tech there who came into work early so he could take my films and see to it I was expedited throughout the day.

I also saw my thorasic surgeon, who reassured me that we WILL get to the bottom of this, and what he's suggesting now is to go for a wedge resection of that area of the lung (VATS) and he said they would then test the sample right then and there and get a diagnosis.  IF it's lung cancer, they will go on to remove the rest of that lobe at that time (won't need another procedure).  If it's something else, then we'll also know that then.

Both the thorasic surgeon and the CT doctor said to me (separately) in similar words, that they still can't say for sure that this is cancer.  They said there's a 50% chance it is not a malignancy, but could be something of inflammatory nature.  But because it's definately metabolically active, it cannot be ignored.

I also had the courage to take a glance at my PET results, and I'm glad i did, aside from the "hypermetabolic nodule", it says "NO FINDINGS TO SUGGEST METASTATIC DISEASE"....the best words in my world!

Something new it did pick up though, I had "symmetric thyroid uptake, which may be related to thyroiditis".  But one thing at a time.

So, I meet with my surgeon this Friday and we'll get another surgery set up he said maybe late next week, or early the following week.  Ugh, just want some answers!!!