Just asking....anyone else more jealous now?
I was just curious....I seem to be so jealous now. I use to be very secure in my marriage and never question my DH but not now. I don't know if its the AI's, the no er, the fact we have no sex life or if it's just that my self-esteem is no more. I don't doubt that he loves me, we have been through so much even before BC and he has never made me feel less of a woman due to BC. It's me and I don't know if I'm alone in this...any one else?
Comments
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Yup, been there, although I guess I'm more jealous now of women (no disrespect at all here) that didn't get it "as bad" as we did. I KNOW it could be A LOT worse, and I'm still here over 2 years to complain about things, but I do "envy" some of the lower stage women. I am insecure about my body now too with all my scars. But it is what it is right?
Sharon
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I am jealous, angry,pissed... you name it. specially women my age group... I am mad as hell and jealous too...
Bela
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I do t know about jealous. But I fell zero sexual desire-2 chemosleft I still got this port sticking out. And this foob that my dh can't look at. And one saggy boob. It's probably not as bad as I'm makin
g it sound. My boobs will have there big reveal late this year I guess.
,sometimes I feel like he's a going to crack from all the stress we are under. But he's doing much better than I expected. (We're waiting for his brothers new liver- he's at the top of the list. Then I had to add minor Sx for our 19 yr old two days after my chemotherapy done.
Sorry for rambling -
I'm more angry as hell at my doctors for not putting a needle in it when they first saw something funny. Bastards
I am jealous of people that have doctors that careenough to put a needle in it . -
Awe Fran,
I so understand you beind angry with the docs, totally. I am angry with my radiologist.. fricking mamo every year just 6 months ago and didn't see it?
Garbage , he just didn;t pay attention
Bela
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No, you are not alone. Sometimes I have such a jealousy fit (just inside myself, nobody sees it), that I cry secretly. But, I am not jealous of anybody else, but my old pre BC self. When it hits me, that NOTHING will ever be the same , I am lost. 10 years since me and DH first met, and still madly in love with each other. In fact through cancer journey we got to the top of our trust, security, bond and more. Though, we have to endure distant relationship for few months in a year, because of his business, I get every support and attention a woman would wish. We were so much into romancing, traveling, romantic surprises, involving the intimacy to the most. And I had the energy for it and loved every minute of it !!!!. He is still an adoring husband, finds me beautiful and reminds me of his love every day. BUT.....I have lost something- somewhere. I am jealous, because I am not slim as before BC and don't find myself attractive any more, I am jealous, because I have lost my breast, I am jealous, because I am not able to embrace life without fear, as much as I am trying. I have lost my old mind, body, approach, interest in looking polished, carelessness, my old self and I miss her...
Wow, never poured out these emotions before anyone.
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I feel the same. Want my old self and my old life back. Hate what this disease has done to me.
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Wow Karina you said it perfectly
".....I have lost something- somewhere. I am jealous, because I am not slim as before BC and don't find myself attractive any more, I am jealous, because I have lost my breast, I am jealous, because I am not able to embrace life without fear, as much as I am trying. I have lost my old mind, body, approach, interest in looking polished, carelessness, my old self and I miss her..."
This is exactly how I feel. I really miss my old self. I want her back and I am afraid she is gone forever.
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hrf and Karina,
I have the same feelings. I want my old self back. Fear is not leaing me.Ya , he adores me still but i know he is not wanting to think about it.
bela
ps i cry constantly secretly. no one understand
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Hi, I feel the same way. I also want my old self back. My husband still love me but sometimes things are hard. Glad that you all get it. SharonH
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Karina does say it perfecly.I feel the exact same way every day at some point. Usually after my kiddos are in bed and its just me and my husband. I know in my heart and mind that my husband loves me and he tells me every day. But that little part of me thinks "how can you??". Everything is so different now and creating a new "normal" is extremely difficult some days. To say that I am jealous or envious is sometimes an understatment. But I know you ladies all "get it" so thank you for posting.
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Jenny this is so much of how we have felt about ourselves and our own sexuality. The whole impact of what BC and treatment does to our body and our mind is huge. It all hit me this week in how I felt about myself and feeling so undesirable on Valentine's Day. What makes me feel even worse is that DH is always attentive to me and loving, and I always feel in my mind that I'm just not like that person before BC. I look at my scars, the extra 30 lbs, the lack of desire, and I think to myself, I don't deserve for him to be romantic in any way. I really hate how I feel about myself. It even became more so when I had the knee surgery and was walking around with a cane. How sexy can that be to a man
Barb
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Thanks everyone, I do feel better knowing I'm not alone. I am jealous of my old life and others at lower stages or other carefree women with no worries. It use to be way worse but I feel that getting better with time. My DH works all the time, he has a second job due to me being out of work from all this BC crap. Anyway, I find myself being so jealous and thinking bad thoughts when he is away and this has never been an issue for us. He doesn't deserve me acting this way & I wasn't sure if I was the only one dealing with it. I know my self-esteem is low, I don't feel sexy at all so I guess that's where all this is coming from. He has never given me a reason to think these thoughts or act like a crazy woman. He even said to me, "if I would have come home from Iraq burned or legless would you have loved me any less?" Of course, I said no, he said, "so why would you think I would you just because of BC." Thanks again, for being there and making me fell normal. Well said, Karina...you nailed it.
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Jenny, I love your honesty, it's hard to put into words, the scense of loss. I lost my breast, my ovaries, my hair, I had really long blond hair. I hate my hair now, it's so slow growing. I have l;ost my sex drive and somedays, I feel I have lost my mind!!! I am jealous of women in lower stages, I am ashamed to admit that, but I still even now can not wrap my brain around how late my cancer had progressed. 11 months prior to having a clear mammo, damn right I am angry!!!! I don't know how my dh really feels deep down inside. We have been married for 22 years, He always tells me I am beautiful, but I know this has taken a toll on us. However, at the end of the day ladie's, we have each other to relate to and like you said jenny, it does feel good to not feel alone. I get so upset when I read everyones feelings, I cry for us all...... Stay strong sister's, you are the most beautiful women I will ever encounter, I am honored to be in the club nobody wants to join. I feel we have all been to war, we are now home putting the pieces of our life back together. Some pieces are misssing, but we are still here and our hearts can still love, we can hug our children and DH.
We are HERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I pray good will come out of this long hard journey for all of us......
Love to all....
Great post jenny
Steph
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Yeah, totally get it.
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I'm with you ladies. My self-image is about zero. When I went to see my PS a couple weeks ago and he asked if I was happy with my implant, I just said "No. It's fine. But it's just not a real breast."
Even with an understanding and attentive DH, I get jealous of women walking around with healthy, beautiful breasts. And like you all said, jealous of the healthy confident woman I was before BC. I so appreciate your openness and honesty. This is a road we never thought we would have to walk, and each new phase seems to have more and more challenges. When do we get a break?!?!?!?
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Maxine,
"when do we get a break" I have asked my self that so many times. One day I asked my friend who has been cancer free for almost 11 years now. Her dx, stage 3 11pos nodes big tumor!!
She said to me, this fear part, and the loss part, and the jealousy part. She said, it never really completely goes away, However it gets different. The longer we grow away from our dx, the more our feelings of jealousy and loss get easier. They don't ever go away for good, but they can be reminders of how damn strong we are!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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I was never jealous before cancer, but had only been together four months when I found the lump. It wasn't until my BMX that I got jealous. He likes to watch porn and I never cared until after that surgery. Now I prefer that he watch it when I am asleep. I also notice that I am more jealous like with bartenders at the little bar we go to once in awhile and I have insecurities that he will find someone else. I know it wouldn't happen. It is just something messing my thinking up.
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I had let time ease my worry and stress but after four short years it bit me in the ass and reminded me that breast cancer can come back anytime to anybody. It doesn't matter how early they catch it. No one knows what causes it and no one knows what triggers it to attack. All the "pink" campaigns don't seem to get us any closer to real answers. It is very depressing.
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Oh yeah Jenny, I am completely jealous. I actually get really pissy at my friends having babies.. Im only 34. I hate baby showers and want to avoid anything that has to do with kids because Im so jealous.
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Jenny, I am so with you, and Karina definitely said it most eloquently. I am tired of being me, and I also feel like DH deserves better than the negative stuff that comes out of my mouth. Sometimes I just keep talking, and should shut up and not let my darkest thoughts have words - it just doesn't help him at all and makes him worry all the more.
I am also so very angry with all the docs - I had a "normal" breast exam 3 months prior to my finding the first mass and also had a "normal" mammogram. Then recurrence 6 months after going through chemo. Not fair. Jealous of others (like my own dear mother) who did the surgery & chemo and got on with their lives without longterm SEs.
I am so tired of pain that was NOT supposed to be the end result of chemo and surgery. It was supposed to be all OK - they said we were "going for a cure" and all I am left with is an angry bitter jealous woman in pain who wants so much to just "be the old me" for a short time, to let my DH and family know how much I love them. Truly, I went through all this for them, and it makes me sad to think it may have been for nothing.
OK, so that's where I am at this moment. One thing I know is that things will change within the next hour or next 24 hours, and I don't want to "wallow" in this type of thinking. But I needed to chime in - to acknowledge to others that these feelings must be more common than we thought, and to thank you all for sharing and allowing me to share these very difficult feelings. Now that we have acknowledged them, what's the next step toward healing? I keep hearing that will happen..... not holding my breath, but still hoping that healing will bring some peace and maybe just a little joy again.... and maybe I wouldn't be so jealous if I had a little more belief that things will get better sooner rather than later.
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Ladies I can't thank you enough for your responses. I am so insecure with my body now, I'm trying to act like it doesn't bother me but I guess it does deep down. I still don't wear my pros though, what is up with that. I do notice men look at me sometimes (I have hair now so I look normal) and in my mind I'm thinking, "oh boy if you only knew...I'm damaged goods son"
This DH jealousy is new for me so I'm learning how to deal with it along with a thousand other things BC has caused. I'm trying to roll with the punches but it gets hard somedays to keep taking them. I say to my DH all the time after I have a "moment", I use to not be this way or that way remember, which he of course already knows this, who am I trying to reassure him or me I feel recon won't help and I know how I am, I won't be happy with it. I'll look at the scars and hate it so why go through it all and it won't help bring back the sex drive. My heart breaks for us all and what we have to deal with each day. I couldn't think of a better group of ladies to go through this with, thank you again for being here when I need it. It's a kin-ship many don't understand and lets hope they never have to. -
Jenny, I started out with many scars on my body from previous surgeries as a child (I had congenital defects, ended up with many surgeries to repair them) so already had a problem with body image. The only part of my body that was not scarred or deformed or had FULL and NORMAL sensation was my right chest, breast, and arm. That has been taken away, and my body image has certainly not improved.
What I have noticed, though, is that it has been 5 months since BMX and the scars are turning into wide ones that are quite ugly, just like all my others. The pain is finally beginning to improve where the incisions, drains, and post-op infected seromas were. I was able to finally look at my body in the mirror within the last 2 months, have been actually touching my scars to massage them with vitamin E lotion (I get the cocoa butter with vitamin E - it smells like chocolate and makes me happy! - of course, some won't want to run around smelling like a Hershey's bar). Touching and massaging and caring for my "warrior wounds" has helped a little in beginning to accept them for what they are: Warrior Wounds.
For myself, no reconstruction. I know myself well enough to know that it would only make things worse as far as scars and reminders, and it would take so many more procedures and doctor visits and I am opting out of pretty much anything else that involves surgery!
I have a therapist who has been working with me on the body image. She has gently tried to get me to look at myself in a full mirror, head to toe, without clothes on. I have been very resistant, but have been doing it about once a week, and it actually DOES get easier each time. DH is a photographer, and he has managed to capture the "beautiful" me even after all this surgery, and it brings tears to my eyes when I realize that indeed, I AM beautiful, even without the breasts, even with the pain in my arm. When I see his photos of me, I try to think about having beautiful thoughts and actions to match those portaits.
I don't know that any of us will every get completely past this, but we CAN support each other to do little bits each day to bring us back out of the dark jealousy and anger, and back into some beauty in our lives. Jenny, don't look at your surgery sites today - take a look at your face, your hands, your heart, and love YOURSELF for just a moment because of the beauty that is there.
And as far as the sex drive - uhhh.... sex drive???? What's that????? I seem to remember something like that in a previous life before BC.... wonder if that will ever come back, too. I think there are some other discussion threads on this.
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i saw this thread, and just HAD to post.. i've become incredibly jealous!!!
my dh bday was this week, and everyone of his coworkers gave him some card about "boobs" of course, most of them know i had bc; but i always wear foobs when they see me, and don't know they;re gone.. they can, tell, my hair didn't come back in the front.. there's no missing that!!!
he works at a college, and sees "young, nublie" things everday.. i burn when i hear " hi Murray" from one of them when we;re out..
its about my jealousy that inhabits me!!!....thanks for your thread. its nice to know im not alone, def.. he's the MOST faithful, loving man alive, and still thinks im beautiful.. i say "where," exactly?
i dont bother him about it, cause i know its me, but i still hate the green with envy.. 3jays
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Thanks, warrior wounds...I like that Linda and never thought of it that way. Our thoughts really do effect how we feel, if we think of things different then our attitude will be different also.
Thanks 3jays....I do the same thing and I hate it. I need to stop, it's only making my life worse and going to cause bigger problems.
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I'm adding this to my favorites!! Just found ya ... I'm a little behind!
Sex drive ... thinking....thinking...nope, doesn't ring a bell. I think the chemo fog is hiding it...here sex drive sex drive sex drive ... youhooooo!!! Over heeeeeerrrreeeee ... Damn thing doesn't listen any better than I do
Seriously though ... I feel pretty worthless ... insignificant ... damaged ... outside of my house. People stare and judge and "kick me 'cause I'm down". Jealous? Maybe. Sad? For sure. Angry? Oh there are times ... But my values and principles are the same ... my love for the people (and my baby) in my life is HUGEMONGOUS! Sometimes it helps me to wrap myself around that.
My DH seems to understand ... a lot. I've had these thoughts of..."Would I get angry if he hooked up with someone else? How could I blame him? Would he still stay with me and love me?" Then I slap myself across my own face and remember who I am and WHO I AM! Yeah, I'd Laurena Bobbitt in a second!!!
Oh my ... guess I'm still in there! Whew.
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Hey girls, this thread has got me thinkin, How can we get our MO-JO back?????
Who wants to make the first suggestion, I would but, I can't think of one!!!!
Anyone want to start, it could be fun!! Or very, very, sad...........lol!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Steph
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Well...............that one commercial that everyone has "their hair thrown back" seems very interesting....yet very unrealistic at the same time....ya know...the hair thing...
I'm a cuddler....I like to cuddle....I'd like to know how to do that again ...
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OMG...just saw a POLE DANCING commerical on TV....That outta do somethin' for MoJo.
Too bad the commercial made me tired....HAHAHAHAA
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Love the pole dancing Idea, i'm tired thinking about it!!! I don't think I would make it around, might fall off, ohhh that would be ugly!!!!!!!!!!!!!! How about these commercials, you know the k-y ones, can they really be that good?????? Good Idea's though fuzzy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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