Are BFFs or friends letting you down when you need them most?
Comments
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My first experience with the friends/acquaintances phenomena was when my 10 yr old daughter was dxed with a malignant brain tumour, 24 yrs ago.
To say I was surprised by the number of friends who became invisible and the acquaintances who stood up to be counted would be an understatement............I was utterly gobsmacked!
Friends to whom I could talk for hours in a supermarket or on the phone, would melt around corners in the mall if they saw me coming...........and I saw them too, too many times to be mistaken as I pushed my bald, brain damaged daughter along in her wheelchair. I consoled myself with the knowledge that I didn't have time any more to stand around chatting nonsense. Those who wanted to chat only wanted to know how badly 'damaged' DH was to pass on at the next gossip fest.
The very few people, some were neighbours I had only nodded to in passing, whose actions spoke much louder than words became best friends of ours and we showed our appreciation after the worst of the trauma was over with suitable gifts of acknowledgement for those I call "Kellie's Angels."
Much the same thing happened in a different town eight years later with my dx. So, I could say I have learnt not to rely on people too much, then I get a nice surprise if they turn into my 'Angels.'
Sheila.
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I'm glad you bumped this topic. It's a hard one, but one that we need to address and readdress when it happens to us. I think almost every Friday afternoon at least a little about this loss. Friday afternoons were marked down for best friend time - the time when my old best friend (far away for many years, but close as a phone call) and I used to talk on the phone every week. I admit I miss it and her. It was a hard thing, stepping back to rethink this, for me. But she said she couldn't deal with my cancer, and, for me, I had no choice. I am starting to see myself on the other side (not there yet but every day a little closer hopefully) but I still believe friends don't leave friends in trouble and I have a hard time with it happening.
I understand that some people, who never matured as most people do, are just too needy themselves and they identify another's trouble with "attention" - that they aren't getting. That's a failure to have matured.
I also understand that some people just can't "face it" - it brings on too much fear they have.
So, I have some understanding and compassion. But it still is a loss to have to go through a hard time without a person or persons you thought would always be there for and with you through thick and thin. It's a double loss for someone going through cancer.
I'm very blessed in that I too have had people come out of the woodwork and show up for me. W.O.W. I have my good strong husband and our families and many friends. And I have the best of the best of the best friends ever in this family of survivors and bc women who are walking next to me.
And I realize that tough times sometimes wean out the true of the true and all that comes with that.
But, for whatever reason, I still wake up some days and just mourn and miss my old bff and wonder...
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Cancer forces us to put our friends through a giant sifter. Sometimes the friends who know us best end up slipping (or jumping!) through the mesh.
Cancer definitely did *not* bring me closer to some people the way going though heartache, or dealing with death, or financial hardship had in the past.
Some relationships pre-BC were obviously not as strong as I thought they were. And that really feels like a slap in the face after a cancer diagnosis...
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Have just run into my best friend??!!! of 19 years at the supermarket . Barely have seen her for 18 months. She must have had an off day and didn't manage to hide and avoid me today . She starts telling me about how she doesn't see anyone now days because of her busy career. Live in a small community and I know that she spends every weekend and more with another friend??!! . I used to be included in that group and we would do things . I just look at her and think you are lying to my face . These people were there in the beginning but not now . Just want to know when it will stop hurting.
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I find it hard to not hold a grudge against some of those who weren't there for me. A couple of them are now going through their own issues (bad car accident/knee surgery/divorce) where they need help and I find myself less than sympathetic. And funny how they have suddenly found my phone number again. I have helped them out a few times so far but find myself really resentful. I hate feeling this way.
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Hi,
When I was dx my bff was out of town. When she got back I expected she would be coming over and calling often, she did very little and I was hurt. But when I had my reconstruction 2 years later it was like she more then made up for it. She and I had at one time work together but she had left and then retired later on. She went back to my work and volunteered to help do my job for a few hours a day a few times a week to help out. She told me that initially it frightened her to find out I was sick and she didn't want to face that she might lose me, but I think she knew she had disappointed me and so tried to make up for it. I found that out with several people, they didn't know what to say or do so they just didn't. Sometimes it is just ignorance on their part, yet there were those who just seemed to fade from the scene never to reappear, which made me realize that how I perceived the relationship was obviously not the way they did and so I learned to let it go. I lost a few so call friends along the way but gained some new, better ones.
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I am so glad I found this thread! I also had the same experiences as you all-- the "cancer groupies", the best friend who all of a sudden can't manage more than a text message, the folks you barely knew who sent cards or mail of support.
I find myself having a hard time letting go of my anger at those people who just didn't seem to have time. I'm not expecting much, but a phone call or email while I had chemo would have been nice. Sometimes I think I should just tell them, but not sure this "scorched earth policy" would exactly work (wouldn't have anybody left to talk to!)
Anybody else able to forgive and forget?
Mary
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I also lost my same bbf many years ago when I miscarried twins. She "couldn't take that" either. More than a decade later, I was overjoyed to welcome her back into my life after she just left during that earlier crisis. I guess, now, I understand that she will leave me if I am in any trouble she can't take. Wow. Sometimes you love who you love. But sometimes it is the wrong person, a person incapable of loving you through the thin. Sometimes -when we are so blessed- it is the right person, capable of being one who loves you through it all. We will learn from them all, and yet, these can be hard, hard things to reason out in the heart.
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Mary- I found I could forgive (though maybe not forget) if two things happened. (1) They acknowledged they had screwed up and (2) they didn't keep doing the same thing over and over again and apologizing. I found I'm a "3 strikes you're out" kind of person. If they've done the same thing 3 times they get thrown under the bus. So far I've only tossed 2 under there so I think most people don't mean to be hurtful. I think they're just clueless or just lacking in the ability to deal with hard issues. Others are just in the relationship for what you can do for them. I think BC makes it clearer to see who is who.
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My own sister has ditched me, she got jealous that my parents were so worried and rest of the family cared for me. She was always their favorite but now that I have cancer they pay more attention to me and she is so upset. She actually sent a text saying god will take care of me and he know what every one deserves.
And I am Indian origin (from India) and community is acting like I am contageous !! lol . Lady I used to walk with every day( my mom's age) is not calling back.
Bela
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I don't even HAVE to read through this thread. Just knowing that others have filled six pages about what I experienced from my oldest friend makes me feel a little better about it happening to me also. I don't know why it goes down this way sometimes.
I did mention my disappointment to my friend. She appologized. I forgave her. A year later, I helped her through her own B/C journey. I could only check on her by phone because we are in two different states, but I think I shared some good info. & support along the way. I treated her the way I had wished she would have treated me. When she finally finished up with her recon., she thanked me for my help and concern.
I always say, if the friend is just acting totally bad and weird about your Dx, but you love everything else about them, then don't ditch the friend. If it is the final straw in a long line of bad behavior, then it might be time to end the friendship and move on.
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Oh look what I found...a BCO article that has great guidelines. Why you could even email them to your friends and family...
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Wow. After three months, just received a very, very abusive, accusatory e-mail from my former bff justifying her abandonment of me during cancer as due to my faulty and too needy life. Wow.
I had cancer and was scared and vulnerable and ill and she was NOT going to comfort me.
I realize she is immature in this selfish and incomprehensible missive, and I ache for her in such a small mindset, and realize, this friend, who I met in the 5th grade, never grew up. Abandonment issues surround her and so when someone else is needing, she flips out because her need cannot take a backseat or even an equal seat with another. This pattern has always been evident in her. It is not her fault either. She was abandoned by both her parents and has never gotten over it. I held her together all through childhood. And, this sorry behavior in the face of another's needing comfort has shown up with not just me, but anyone who has ever been ill or broken around her. I just always thought I was big enough and well enough to be strong enough to get past that part of her make-up. I also thought -and in fact this friendship made me fiercely loyal about this too- that I was not the kind of person ever to be a fair weather friend. I'd have your back in a squall too! You could take that to the bank.
I guess this is healthy for me, not having such a damaged person in my life. But I was too young to know that when I met her, and she was my best friend and I didn't jump ship when I did understand. Almost everyone I have in my life now, chosen as an adult more consciously, is a full range friend and they are healthier. I am very lucky for this and rich and grateful for the love and the connections we share.
The funny thing is I never left my old friend because of her vulnerabilities. But if I have ever been vulnerable, she is up in smoke.
In a very heart-breaking way, sometimes, whether we want it or not, we get to clean house.
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truebff- I had a similar experience with my (former) bff. I also got the Dear Jane letter from her that was very defensive and basically threw everything back on me. (How dare I expect her to be there for me as I was going through BC when she had her own issues!) (Her issues were empty nest syndrome.) In reading your post, though, I've come to realize the toxic relationships I held onto, and struggled so hard to maintain, were the ones I had childhood history with. I never realized the connection before. They had fulfilled a need at one time, but had ceased to do so long ago, yet I still clung to them. Your post has made me see them in a new light and now it doesn't hurt so much to have let them go. Thank you.
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Kate, that sounds so sad for you to be treated that way. It really can be hard when you love a person and their dysfunction comes between your friendship. It is often true too, that abusive people don't show up as abusive until their position as "front and central" is challenged by, often unforeseen, circumstances or events (Abusive husbands, as a classic example, often don't show up in marriages until their wives are pregnant -the worst time for her to realize this!) that to the dysfunctional person threaten their position of attention.
Understanding it and even having compassion for it doesn't make it hurt any less when you lose someone you love and expected or hoped to be there for you. It is unexpected and shocking as well as heartbreaking. But hopefully, for those of us who have lost friends, others, sometimes those we never expected, have come out to love us and they are GOLDEN!
Most of the sisters here and everywhere, who have been through cancer, have a sisterhood of care and connection and support that is amongst the strongest and clearest and most caring and we can continue to pass that caring on and on and on.
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truebff- It's so true about the women on here. It never ceases to amaze me the amount of care and support I got on here from total strangers. It's an incredible sisterhood. And I think the contrast between that and those dysfunctional relationships really made me take notice for the first time in my life. It was hard to let them go but when I see how healthier I am emotionally now it takes a lot of the sting out. And gives me the energy to cultivate those "golden" ones you spoke of.
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Amen Katie, my best friend I really believe did not know what to say, but I don t consider that an excuse. I met and made a new friend in the RO waiting room. We found out we are both rabid crafters. She offers to go with me for my mammograms. Or just meet up afterwards to celebrate with beverages. My BFF promised she would walk on my school team in Oct. When iasked her why she didn t show up her excuse was she had to clean her house. Some friends fall by the wayside and you make some dam good new ones. My hair stylist has refused to take any money for my last 3 haircuts . This really touched me because I know how hard she works. My former friend emailed me last week to tell me she'd had a really bad cold for 3 weeks. I wanted to email her and say I just had the &$)@ scared out of me because I had a breast biopsy last week.
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Someone should write a book on the lame a$$ excuses some of our "friends" have used for not being there when it counted. lol! A cold and cleaning your house would have to be in the top 10. Glad you made a new friend in the waiting room, libraylil!
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Hi all-
It's been helpful for me to read the posts on this topic, though I really wish such things didn't happen. I have been frustrated with the response of my friends throughout dealing with BC. I had the mastectomy in 8/11. In the last 3 weeks I have had 2 punch biopsies, a suction biopsy where they took 12 samples, my port failed, port removed, and finished chemo. While I am glad to be done with chemo, that's the only thing people want to hear about. Not the fact that all those procedures so close together was very difficult. Not the fact that Taxol sde effects got worse after my last treatment. I think I have dealt well with diagnosis and treatment but those things so close together put me over an edge in terms of feeling teary and emotional. I told my friends that and got no response. No one even called to see what the results of the biopsies were. I have taken good care of people over the years and have been really disappointed in some of the responses I have gotten when I thought people would be there for me. When I was out to dinner with a group of social workers a few nights ago I said I was done with chemo and mentioned the other procedures the last 3 weeks- they made no response to that and one woman asked what I was doing for fun! Like many have said here this experience has left me reevaluating my friendships. Sometimes I feel like I have been really foolish when people I have been there for in the past are not at all supportive of me. People just seem so damnably self centered and selfish. Certainly being there for someone with breast cancer isn't as difficult as having breast canncer!!!!! I am letting my self have my feelings and feeling angry, hurt, and disappointed, and not letting that get in the way of having a positive perspective on my treatment and recovery. And I offer my support to those dealing with people who are not as supportive as hoped or needed.
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Some people just dont get it. My fiance has tried to move in to "help". He changed out my oven with his rental house oven. The oven on this one wont go above 350. Guess his renter likes to cook. Then he switched out my bed. I had a full and he got a queen something is wrong with it,everytime you move it sounds like bubble wrap crackling. Glad I am sleeping in the recliner. Then he got me a walker, trying to make some kind of god awful soup for me by boiling broccoli for hrs and the final cherry on top? He friggin bought me orthopedic shoes!!!!!!! I told him to return those shoes,they operated on my effin breast for effin breast cancer,nothing wrong with the effin legs. We had a big fight and he says I dont appreciate him. Yep I dont,cause he accidentally hit me in the chest with the heat control plastic knob on the elec warmer blanket the day I came home from the hospital. I am fit to call my son and ask him to stomp his ass but DS is in Paris trying to do pre-med to cure this god awful disease someday. My friends? They did ok,showed up at the hospital,called,texted,sent flowers. Its nice but money would have been better spent ordering 1 day of housekeeping and bringing over a few frozen meals. So yep,I sound ungrateful,you gotta something to say about that? Nahh....I didnt think so!
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Layla,
You MADE my night!!!!! laughed and laughed and laughed! You ROCK, sister!
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I think one of the coolest things I have heard was.....a BC survivor told me that while she was undergoing treatments etc she looked outside and her neighbor was planting flowers in her yard.
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Libra-------how very nice about the flowers. ahhhmmmmmmmmmm,,,,,,,
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what if it is family?
My family- aka the same sperm and egg club- abandoned me and did nothing. Now that I am out of treatment, I am suppose to be "well", and "back to the regular stuff" which translates into take the sh$t that we are going to shovel on to you.
I have a wonderful husband and kids. And, I have friends. But there is someone inside of me who thinks that being treated like this is okay and even expected. How do you move past that
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Pebee - I'm right with you! My in-laws and one SIL have not even asked a singe question since I was diagnosed in August even though I did call and tell them bout the diagnosis - And I've seen them about four or five times since then! Nothing about being bald, how I was feeling, need help. No visit to the hospital (which is only 7 miles from their house) even though I was there a total of five days on the fourth surgery (the BMX) , no flowers, no cards, no texts, and nothing on FB even though my MIL is on there constantly. They have no idea about my actual diagnosis, my treatment, or my prognosis. They only live 30 miles away, are retired, and do absolutely nothing but go to lunch once a week with the SIL. I heard last week from my other SIL (who is great) that the bad SIL and in-laws want to surprise me with a visit this Wed afternoon. WTH? Why now? I just had my last Taxol tx today and next week will continue with just Herceptin. They're going to come up here and expect me to make them dinner or pay to take them out to dinner. Plus, I work from home and Wednesday afternoons are busy for me. I DO NOT want them here but don't know how to get out of it! The rest of my in-laws and my family have been wonderful. There are long-standing issues with my in-laws wanting us around when we can do something for them but disappear if it is ever time to pay a bill, watch our kids do something, etc. If it was just a good friend, I would let the relationship go but how do you that when it's famiy? After 24 years of this crap, I am so tired. I don't want to see them, I don't want them in my house. I don't want to start a huge family war but I'm tired of being used and not being able to count on them for anything if we need something. UGH!!! No matter what I do, I'm screwed. They come, they'll take advantage, not care about what's going on with us at all. If I speak up, they tell everyone behind my back what a b*tch I am and how I've ruined the SIL's life because anything that possibly goes wrong in her life is always somehow blamed on me even though I only see her and talk to her a few times a year at family gatherings. I wish I was just being paranoid but unfortunately I'm not. They're all nuts!!!
Okay....I'm done venting. Thank you for listening. I'm so worried about their possible visit. I asked my husband to call and ask them not to come but so far he hasn't done it and I doubt he will. I'm just praying they change their mind and don't come. If anyone has ideas for me and Pebee, PLEASE pass them on!!!
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Julie,
You have to tell them:
NO. NOT NOW. I AM AND HAVE BEEN SICK. IF YOU WANT TO HELP ME, HELP ME. BUT I HAVE BEEN AND AM TOO SICK TO DO ANYTHING ELSE.
Period. period. periodl. no explainations. no excuses.It just is what it is.
Please do this for yourself. WE SISTERS will help you thruogh the rest of it. You have come to the right place. No, we are not your family, but we do understand. Now, take your stand: No abuse. Ever.
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Dear Julie,
I absolutely agree with truebff. You have to make a stand and tell them that they can not come.
And your DH needs to back you up 150%. He needs to take care of you FIRST and not let his family stress you out any more than they have. Grrrrr!
Your predicament brought back memeories (and not such good ones) when I was going through chemo. My in-laws were told to not visit while I was going through treatment.. They are not the healthiest people and I didn't want to catch anything from them, especially with my bottomed out white blood count. They agreed to honor my wish. A few weeks went by and I got a call that they were at the local Walmart shopping and want to drop by later on.
My DH immediately stepped up to the plate and told his Dad and Mom that he would meet them for lunch and conversation, but in no uncertain terms, were they going to visit with me. Did I mention how much I love that guy of mine?!
This is what needs to happen for you. Your DH needs to take a stand for you RIGHT NOW.
And if he still refuses to, then you need make the call and tell them exactly what truebff said.
Meanwhile, sending lots of (((hugs))) your way,
Ann
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Truebff and Ann - Thank you so very much for your support and advice!!! Right now we're expecting bad weather with ice, snow, sleet, and freezing rain for tomorrow so I'm praying for bad roads! I tried to talk to my husband about calling them tonight and didn't have any luck. I'm going to try again in the morning. However, if the roads are too bad and he can't make it to work, he might be stuck here in the afternoon when they come after the roads clear up - Which would be too funny because he doesn't want to see them either! But, if the weather is okay and I hear they are coming, I think I'm going to just tell them I'm not feeling well, it's a bad day, and hope they listen. Ann - The last time we saw them was Christmas Eve. We almost didn't go but decided we should so we could see our nieces and nephews. They knew I shouldn't be around anyone sick but my FIL was coughing, gagging, and sneezing all over everything. It's amazing I didn't get sick from him. Someone was definitely watching over me that day!! I'm so glad your DH stood up for you! It's something my DH has struggled with - He had gotten really good about it but is really slacking off on this one. My mom said I should tell them to kiss my a** and to stay away from me tomorrow and every day after that. Ugghhh....I really hope I can avoid all this tomorrow - Worrying about them is something I should not be wasting my energy on. Thanks so much for listening to me!! It's a huge help to know I have support here and somebody else "gets it"! (((HUGS)))
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Julie,
If they are surprising you, then don't be there! Take the afternoon off for your own mental sanity! Go shopping for something special for yourself! You're not going to get any work done if they come anyway.
Of if they do come and surprise you, give them a tiny bit of time but tell them that since they did not call ahead you don't have time for a visit. Ask them to call next time and give them a list of things you need them to do for you! Do not make them dinner and do not take them out. Tell them you already have dinner plans with friends. Again, sorry but they tried to surprise you and who really likes surprises?
Really, I would just not be there. They have avoided you for months. Say you have a business luncheon or some other appointment. It's about you right now and you need to do this for yourself.
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Good news!! My "good" SIL gave me a heads-up and the nasty SIL is sick so they aren't coming today!!!! Maybe next week or the week after but I've got a break for now and next time I think I'll just tell them (if I have any warning) that I have a doctor's appointment. So thankful for all the support I've found here!!! Thank you Goodie, Truebff, and Ann - Huge hugs to all of you!!!
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